DP's attitude towards dd

[lovelilies]

Background info:
I have been with dp for just over a year, we are expecting a baby in new year (yes it was quick, we both decided we wanted a family together partly due to our ages and mainly because it felt right).
So, we live together as a family with my dd (now 8) from a previous relationship.
Dd's biological father has had no contact with her for years - his choice although he pays CSA. So DP and DD have been building a relationship reasonably well, except for dP being quite strict with her. There has been a massive bust up today, because we went for a day out and joined dp at the football (he wanted us to come) and to check on one of his houses where there is work being done. I know this isn't dd's idea of a fun family day out, but I wanted us to spend time together before baby comes. As it happens it was quite fun at the football, plan was to go to dd's favourite restaurant on the way home. DP and I weren't particularly hungry after match so dp said we'll go to restaurant another time. Dd got v upset and cried saying she'd been looking forward to it all day. DP accuses her of emotional blackmail, turning on the tears when she doesn't get what she wants. Then proceeds to go on and on, saying things like I've pandered to her for 8 years, she's MY daughter and we can just do what we want from now on and he'll do his own thing.... All this in front of dd. now he's in a major sulk and won't talk to me or dd.
Is He BU? Or am I for not

When people say men are "strict" with their kids I always feel a slight revulsion.

When they say it about children who aren't even their own kids, I feel alarm.

No-one has any business being strict with someone else's kids.

In this context we all know what strict means. It means bullying.

When i read your initial post OP i went cold. I had a stepdad who was "strict" and who had a temper and my mum has spent her life walking on eggshells around him.

He got stricter OP. Stricter and nastier, more violent and by the time I left home at 18 I was deeply unhappy with a failed suicide attempt under my belt. And by god I hated him and I still hate him. I wouldn't care if he died tomorrow. In fact it would give me a huge feeling of relief and release. I would dance on his grave.

I have two step siblings and he treated them very differently - my grandparents saw the way he treated me and I felt they were the only people in my life who had my back. When they died I lost my only witnesses

There is so much more I could write. Please stop his behaviour towards your daughter and if you can't then get her away from him. The damage he can cause is lifelong.

And my 8 year old has no idea what therapy is, neither does my 10 year old.

There are so many red flags. I could cry for your dd.

Maybe your DP will realise he's being a monster - or maybe not. In latter life I have confronted my step dad. He has no remorse, thinks he was coping the best he could as a stepdad. "I was young a maybe I was only doing the best I could" ha! When I think of his cruelty I feel sick that anyone could believe what he does. When my mum wasn't around he was monstrous and really menacing on top of the beatings.

Please, please, please ask your daughter how she feels - mind you she may not tell you the truth if she doesn't think you'll back her. I only told mine half of what happened about three years ago. She still doesn't know everything. Is there a loving grandparent she could talk to?

Unless they're a teacher of course.

Whole different ball game.

But boyf? stepfather? uncle? neighbour?

Nah.

Sorry x posted with fabby

He sounds more immature than your daughter to be honest.

When this baby comes you'll have 3 children to look after with 3 stroppy tantrums.

I think you have to lay down the law or tell him where to go - you need someone to support you and behave like an adult when you have a little baby, not act like a complete idiot.

I think I'm being generous.

I doubt the OP will be back.

He will have sweet talked her round.

Her child will know exactly where she comes in the pecking order and it isn't first.

Perhaps you should have got to know him a bit better before you both decided to have a child. And yes I know it is a bit late for that now but your DD should have been your priority from the start. Whether or not you stay with him, your daughter has had a lot of disruption in the past year and that is only going to get worse when she has a sibling.

Yes helpful way too late, so not in any way constructive.