Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

DP's attitude towards dd

308 replies

lovelilies · 29/12/2013 21:15

Background info:
I have been with dp for just over a year, we are expecting a baby in new year (yes it was quick, we both decided we wanted a family together partly due to our ages and mainly because it felt right).
So, we live together as a family with my dd (now 8) from a previous relationship.
Dd's biological father has had no contact with her for years - his choice although he pays CSA. So DP and DD have been building a relationship reasonably well, except for dP being quite strict with her. There has been a massive bust up today, because we went for a day out and joined dp at the football (he wanted us to come) and to check on one of his houses where there is work being done. I know this isn't dd's idea of a fun family day out, but I wanted us to spend time together before baby comes. As it happens it was quite fun at the football, plan was to go to dd's favourite restaurant on the way home. DP and I weren't particularly hungry after match so dp said we'll go to restaurant another time. Dd got v upset and cried saying she'd been looking forward to it all day. DP accuses her of emotional blackmail, turning on the tears when she doesn't get what she wants. Then proceeds to go on and on, saying things like I've pandered to her for 8 years, she's MY daughter and we can just do what we want from now on and he'll do his own thing.... All this in front of dd. Sad now he's in a major sulk and won't talk to me or dd.
Is He BU? Or am I for not

OP posts:
Solongsucker · 29/12/2013 21:55

Oh love lilies I feel very sad for your situation
I honestly do but don't ruin 3 lives but trying to appease the life of a man that doesn't deserve you, your daughter or your unborn child. Life is too short.

needaholidaynow · 29/12/2013 21:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HaroldTheGoat · 29/12/2013 21:55

Where is the money from your house sale? Who's name is it in?

Protect it.

MatryoshkaDoll · 29/12/2013 21:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MadAsFish · 29/12/2013 21:57

The reddest of red flags here. This is how it starts... Leave now, it sounds like he has no intention of being a father to this girl, seeing her as an obstacle to his 'real' family.

inkyfingers · 29/12/2013 21:57

You need to find a way of moving on with DP rather than without, otherwise you'll have another child without their father around, but ground rules vital. Can you get some counselling. If would be great if he could become the best dad/step dad to both you DC and support you as a mum as well.

ThreeWisePerpendicularVinces · 29/12/2013 21:57

My SM is vile to me - it's really affected my relationship with my DF, and it has taken me a long time to come to terms with how I've been treated.

I'm an adult, and can fight my corner - an 8 year old child can't. I had the option of going NC. If you stay with this man, she has at least another 10 years of this shit.

And then she'll make her own life, and not forgive you - I speak from experience. Is it worth it?

Chippednailvarnish · 29/12/2013 21:57

Do not buy somewhere together.

Have the baby, then start planning to leave and buy another property when you finish maternity leave.

lunar1 · 29/12/2013 21:57

How long should he get to change, this isn't an isolated incident. How much childhood has to be lost waiting for the magic change?

mrsjay · 29/12/2013 21:58

I think you need to think practical at the moment I know you are feeling emotional but do think practically what you want to happen,

Lilacroses · 29/12/2013 21:58

Such a shame to read this. Agree with everyone ypu were both very unfair to your Dd. I remember my own Dd having one of her extremely rare meltdowns in a similar situation when when she was 7. Nobody could help it, the cafe was actually closed but we all understood how she felt and were sympathetic to her. I really dp think that your Dp's outburst and subsequent lack of contrition is very concerning. In your position I would be making it crystal clear to him that he makes ammends or that is it. I really would not tolerate someone treating my Dd unkindly like that.

GobbySadcase · 29/12/2013 21:58

What's even more worrying is that now should be the honeymoon period, the best it should be.

So if this is the best it's gonna be then what lies ahead?

Joules68 · 29/12/2013 21:59

Op this is hard for you. Doubly hard being about to give birth

What do you feel about all this long term? How do your family feel about him?

MatryoshkaDoll · 29/12/2013 22:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GoshAnneGorilla · 29/12/2013 22:00

Needaholiday - you can save your apologia for child abuse. Just because your partner's happy with someone who resents his child, doesn't mean anyone else should have to tolerate it.

LadyJx · 29/12/2013 22:00

NinjaBunny

What a lovely post and OP she is right. If he has somewhere to go maybe a break would be beneficial. I know I'm being a bitch but I do feel sorry for you too, but you do need to put your DC over and above this man child. The man is a bully but you need to remember you've done it before and if you need to you can do it again if it comes to it. But a little break might do you all the world of good.

Solongsucker · 29/12/2013 22:01

I think everyone is being little dramatic, arsehole, move out, leave him..... Fgs she's pregnant and everyone , everyone argues! Sometimes horrendous things are said. OP needs serious soul searching about this man 100 % fact. It does mean there is no way forward by any means.

PolyesterBride · 29/12/2013 22:01

If you're on mat leave, you're still employed aren't you? So you could still get a mortgage. If you're walking on eggshells around him, the relationship does not look good. You need to start standing up for yourself and your DD, otherwise what are you teaching her?

mrsjay · 29/12/2013 22:02

ladyj you are not being a bitch at all

Original poster
lovelilies · 29/12/2013 22:02

I've shown this thread to him, as I'm finding it difficult to fight dd's corner. He's said he'll apologise to dd.
But it keeps happening and he always has an excuse.
Money from house sale is mine, but there's not much. I needed someone to give me a hard time and tell it Ike it is. Even though it sucks.

OP posts:
LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot · 29/12/2013 22:03

You planned to have a child with a man you'd only known 3 months, brought this man into your home with a child, and know you suddenly working out his a massive twat.

I feel sorry for this little girl.

A dad who doesnt wanna see her.
A new dad who doesnt even like her.
A mum who who panders to the man child instead of sorting her childs happiness.

Hope you have savings for her future therapy, poor little girl will need it.

LayMeDown · 29/12/2013 22:03

DP and I weren't particularly hungry after match so dp said we'll go to restaurant another time.

He just decided this unilaterally? Did you offer an opinion? Stick up for your DD when she expressed her disappointment? Or did you just allow him to go back on your agreement with her and then berate her and say nothing?

You don't seem to have considered your DD much in this new relationship. Deciding to start a family 3 monts in is far too early even with no other children involved, but is downright irresponsible when you already have a child and are bringing a new adult into her life. 3 months in she should only just be meeting him, not having to deal with a fully fledged new family in her home.

Wibblypiglikesbananas · 29/12/2013 22:05

Leave this guy and move on.

MatryoshkaDoll · 29/12/2013 22:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LadyJx · 29/12/2013 22:07

mrsjay I knew I liked you :-)

Swipe left for the next trending thread