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AIBU?

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Original poster

DP's attitude towards dd

308 replies

lovelilies · 29/12/2013 21:15

Background info:
I have been with dp for just over a year, we are expecting a baby in new year (yes it was quick, we both decided we wanted a family together partly due to our ages and mainly because it felt right).
So, we live together as a family with my dd (now 8) from a previous relationship.
Dd's biological father has had no contact with her for years - his choice although he pays CSA. So DP and DD have been building a relationship reasonably well, except for dP being quite strict with her. There has been a massive bust up today, because we went for a day out and joined dp at the football (he wanted us to come) and to check on one of his houses where there is work being done. I know this isn't dd's idea of a fun family day out, but I wanted us to spend time together before baby comes. As it happens it was quite fun at the football, plan was to go to dd's favourite restaurant on the way home. DP and I weren't particularly hungry after match so dp said we'll go to restaurant another time. Dd got v upset and cried saying she'd been looking forward to it all day. DP accuses her of emotional blackmail, turning on the tears when she doesn't get what she wants. Then proceeds to go on and on, saying things like I've pandered to her for 8 years, she's MY daughter and we can just do what we want from now on and he'll do his own thing.... All this in front of dd. Sad now he's in a major sulk and won't talk to me or dd.
Is He BU? Or am I for not

OP posts:
Original poster
lovelilies · 29/12/2013 21:28

Thank you for the replies. I probably know in my heart of hearts that he is being a twat regarding dd. He honestly doesn't see it, though, even when I've pointed it out before. Being 38 weeks pg is going against me right now, as I don't feel strong enough to either have a big showdown and tell him how I feel, or actually do something about it Sad
But I know dd relies on me to do what's best for her... I am an idiot.

OP posts:
TheBrotherHoodOfSteel · 29/12/2013 21:29

What Doll said!
Poor kid Sad

rabbitlady · 29/12/2013 21:30

sack him. seriously. she's more important. she depends on you. no-one else can be her mum.

mrsjay · 29/12/2013 21:30

If i was promised a dinner out then my husband changed his mind i would be dissaponted think how your daughter feels to be told she isnt going anywhere then hear a man she really doesn't know all that well speak badly of her to you, my mum married my step dad when i was 7 i had to hear all that shite all my life I was this that and the next thing , I know i am projecting but do not let this man do that to your child stand up for her,

YuffietheNinja · 29/12/2013 21:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GobbySadcase · 29/12/2013 21:30

You've had to point it out before?

Poor kid.

Mabelface · 29/12/2013 21:30

He's the idiot. You just now need to work out what you're going to do. I know it's shit when you're so close to giving birth, but you absolutely cannot tolerate him treating your daughter like shit.

LadyJx · 29/12/2013 21:32

Being 38 weeks pg is going against me right now, as I don't feel strong enough to either have a big showdown and tell him how I feel, or actually do something about it

Well then you are prepared to fail your daughter in order to keep the peace between you and hubby.

Awesome parenting. Well done.

SoftKittyWarmKitty · 29/12/2013 21:32

So what else has this twat of a man done before?

friday16 · 29/12/2013 21:33

Well, the pair of you sound delightful.

You promise your daughter a treat.

Then you don't feel like it.

And that's your partner's fault?

Sure, he said a lot of shit that he shouldn't say, and that's absolutely dreadful. But why did you promise your daughter a treat and then you decide that it wasn't going to happen? It sounds like the pair of you are playing happy families and your daughter gets the shitty end of the stick.

NinjaBunny · 29/12/2013 21:33

Well, if she heard him say it all then she knows exactly where she stands.

He's stated that she's YOUR child. He's saying he never wants to be a family.

Poor child. My heart breaks for her.

:(

You've only known this guy a year. Get rid. He's a bully. If he can say all of that in front of you he may well say even worse stuff to her when you're out of earshot.

Iwannalaylikethisforever · 29/12/2013 21:34

Sorry but you can't really expect an 8 year to just shrug off the cancellation. It's a bit unkind. She probably was looking forward, "it's her favourite restaurant"
However your partner sounds like he overreacted, a lot and is not doing any favours for family relationships. Your daughter needs to know with actions and words that you both value her. I'm sure you do but a new baby is massive, when she has had you to herself for 8 years.
You need to discuss parenting, discipline ect now. It's all well saying he needs to treat both children the same but you can't really complain if he is naturally a strict parent. I hope that makes sense. I have step children. Husband and I have children together , had countless rows over the children, because I am strict, I do treat them the same, whilst he makes allowances because they don't live with us, I don't like that. You can't have it both ways. Luckily he is an excellent dad to all his children, because he is consistent. Which Is also important. Hope you sort things out.

MisguidedHamwidge · 29/12/2013 21:34

I agree with ladyjx that you both behaved badly, bit just DP.

You say that you wanted to spend time together before the baby arrives so you choose to spend a day doing things that were not much fun for your DD. So, it sounds like you mean that you wanted to spend time with your DP and you went to where he was to do this, regardless of it being boring for DD. Then you cancelled the treat DD was looking forward to because you and DP didn't fancy it. Poor DD.

In a short space of time, your DD has had a strange man move into her home & now there will be a new sibling in the family. Maybe it would have been nice if you had focused on spending the day with her & having some one-to-one time, as she won't have much when the new baby comes, rather than following your twat of a DP around with no regard for your little girl's feelings.

LadyJx · 29/12/2013 21:35

What is with all the man hating posts. Sorry the mother is no better in this situation.

KickassCoalition · 29/12/2013 21:36

You could have taken her for a meal at her favourite place and sat and had a coke or something. Half hour tops?

I'm guessing it was really your DP who scuppered that one because that was just mean.

FreeAtLastAtLongLast · 29/12/2013 21:36

This is how XP started... He got drastically worse towards my 'rude, greedy, lazy' DS. I didn't wait to find out if he would be any better with a bio child of his own.

What really hurt was that DS trod on eggshells and tried anything to please him, to no avail.

The irony is that I'd never met such a rude, greedy and lazy bastard as XP. He was unemployed when he said this, unlike my DS!

He's gone, and we're ok

mrsjay · 29/12/2013 21:37

I am not man hating anybody the man sounds like a twat and i did state they both let her down most people are saying the same thing

Greenmug · 29/12/2013 21:37

MASSIVE red flag here but I have to agree with PP's who say that you both behaved unfairly to your DD. She's 8, she's a little girl and you can't just promise things and change your mind when you feel like it, it's not fair.

It sounds to me like you pander to your DP, certainly not your DD.

lunar1 · 29/12/2013 21:38

You better get strong enough to deal with it right now, it's not your dds fault you rushed into living with a stranger. I really feel sorry for her.

LadyJx · 29/12/2013 21:38

FreeAtLastAtLongLast Good on you. xx

Mabelface · 29/12/2013 21:39

I'm not a man hater, I'm a twat loather.

SoftKittyWarmKitty · 29/12/2013 21:41

The OP has an opportunity to redeem herself though, doesn't she? She can choose to stay in that relationship where her 'D'P's treatment of her DD will just get worse and worse, or she can choose to leave that relationship and ruin her DD's childhood, self esteem and memories.

So, OP, does he get another opportunity to be a shit to your DD, or do you do something about it now so it can't happen again?

Goldchilled7up · 29/12/2013 21:41

What Lunar said.

It's your duty to protect your child, poor girl Hmm

GoshAnneGorilla · 29/12/2013 21:41

I know how this will go.

We'll soon have further posts from the OP claiming that she wasn't at all moving way too fast getting pregnant within three months of starting a relationship with someone and that her DP is a fluffy bunny really and an 8 year old child somehow deserves such treatment.

I hate, hate, hate these threads. Because I read them and know that somewhere out there is a very unhappy child unfortunate enough to have an emotionally incontinent parent who's well on the way to stealing her childhood and giving her a very bad start in life.

LadyJx · 29/12/2013 21:41

mrsjay it really wasn't aimed at you. There were a couple of posts dismissing the mothers role and that I find unfair. As I said he is continuing his bad behavior which in the first instance made me think OP had made her feelings clear but with this Being 38 weeks pg is going against me right now, as I don't feel strong enough to either have a big showdown and tell him how I feel, or actually do something about it it pissed me off and actually makes me think she is worse.

I apologise to anyone I cause offence to with the man hating post, this thread has really touched a nerve with me.