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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to tell my 17 year old dd she can't go out.......

222 replies

Santababy40 · 22/12/2013 20:33

Hi all,

I'm a regular on MN but not been on here before. I've name changed also.
My 17 year old dd wants to go to a rave in London on New Years Eve! We live 4 hours from London. The friends she wants to go with are newish friends that I don't know, one of the boys is driving up and there are 2 others going with him and my dd also wanted to go in the car with them.
I have said no she can't go.

Am I being unreasonable??

OP posts:
InsanityandBeyond · 23/12/2013 00:57

Nope. DD was 17 last week and there's no way in hell she'd be going (we are an hour from London) unless she'd take me or DH with her Grin.

The driving is the bit that that would be my biggest risk factor, unknown driver, could be tired, ingested something, wants to show off. Then the potential drug use would come in a close 2nd. DD has already 'done' cannabis (she told me) and she would probably take anything offered so as not to offend the offerer Grin and 3rd would be her being left alone. Some 17 year olds are not as 'street wise' as others and you know your DD best.

I will be responsible for mine and 'strongly advise' her until she leaves home of her own accord and she has a lot of growing up to do until then so I would expect her to abide by my opinion, foot stomping and door slamming notwithstanding. She normally agrees with me later Shock.

MerryFuckingChristmas · 23/12/2013 01:00

I don't understand parents who give up the idea they have any influence over their children's lives before it has even been tested

I am not talking about teenagers with problems here. I am talking about run-of-the-mill boundary pushing that happens every day in every household of the land that has teenagers. Just say no. You might be pleasantly surprised when they listen. And quite possibly they will be happy that you did (but would never admit it of course)

InsanityandBeyond · 23/12/2013 01:06

DD has said quite a few times that she was glad I didn't let her do something. She has also expressed relief when I have said No. Very odd creatures they are!

BrianTheMole · 23/12/2013 01:09

Just say no. You might be pleasantly surprised when they listen.

Yes of course its worth doing that. But just saying no doesn't always give the results that you would like.

MerryFuckingChristmas · 23/12/2013 01:27

Indeed it doesn't. But at least you don't end up feeling like a sap who doesn't dare stand up to her own kids.

BitOfFunWithSanta · 23/12/2013 01:31

I agree. You've got to give yourself some wiggle room, but if you've got a good relationship, they are likely to listen- they want your good opinion. The key is to let them come to the same conclusion by communicating your concerns effectively, and being willing to compromise.

Sunflower49 · 23/12/2013 02:21

Shindig is massive...They'll have a tonne of security officials and medics. If she would know what she is doing, and is with good people, she could have a great time.
However;

If it was me I would insist on meeting all of the friends and ask them;
What they'll do if she or any of them cannot get in due to lack of ID.This is the only age-related issue I would have. There are 17 year olds and 17 year old, as someone has already said.

Where they're going to stay-perhaps they know people in London they can stop with...Find out about those people if that's their plan.

Find out about the driving. I was a great driver at 20 (I'm probably worse now!) and I know there are plenty of good and bad drivers of all ages.

As for the issue of the rave itself, people generally go there to have a good time.Of course there are arseholes around , but MOST people are okay, I wouldn't worry too much about shindig itself, more about the ID, the travel-and the friends she's with.

even if a rave, anywhere, anytime!Is my idea of hell

Aussiemum78 · 23/12/2013 02:46

Nope.driving four hours with an inexperienced driver, who is probably going to spend 12 hours wasted on drugs, in a huge/drug affected crowd, then driving back tired/drug affected the next day...

Raves are generally 99% about music enhancing party drugs, or at least they were when I was a bit younger.

Until she's 18, it's your call. I call bs on people who say otherwise.

Twattyzombiebollocks · 23/12/2013 07:35

No, no way on this planet would my dd be going out on nye for a 4 hour drive with a driver of uncertain skill and reliability to an event where there will be drugs, with friends whom she hasn't known for long.
Even if the driver is responsible, can be trusted not to get high or drive at stupid speeds, the roads on nye are full of idiots who aren't responsible, are drunk etc.
and that's without even considering the rave itself, what would happen if it all went tits up and you are too far away to rescue her.

Joysmum · 23/12/2013 07:52

Your rules your house

I personally don't know? I honestly thought a few years back that my daughter wouldn't have anywhere close to the amount of freedom she has now at 11.

One thing I do know is that all children get different freedoms at different times so perhaps you just need to have the balls to realise that you are right to trust your own instincts on this.

NoArmaniNoPunani · 23/12/2013 08:06

I thought I had really strict parents when I was a teen but even I was allowed to go out raving at 17. It's the optimum time to do it, by the time I was mid twenties my body couldn't cope with it anymore

IndridCold · 23/12/2013 08:17

Agree it's the 4 hour drive that would worry me the most. The boy driving may be a good and responsible lad, but he is inexperienced. The weather is awful at the moment with terrible driving conditions.

Also, it is just too far away if anything goes wrong.

comingintomyown · 23/12/2013 08:20

I have a 17 yo DS and he doesn't ask my permission to do things.

At 17 nor did I ever ask my Mum

I think this would concern me because of the issues of getting into the event and getting back afterwards and I would voice those concerns and leave it at that

Me2Me2 · 23/12/2013 08:48

I thought my parents were strict too but they actually let me do loads of stuff. Except getting lifts with other 17 year olds - I remember that and they were right on that

Bowlersarm · 23/12/2013 08:51

Yanbu

I wouldn't let my 17 year old do this. Way too young.

chocoluvva · 23/12/2013 08:54

Re the issue of ID - I know plenty of underage DC use fake ID but I've increasingly heard that clubs are now accepting only passports or driving licenses, which I assume are harder to borrow or fake.

Good luck today Santababy40. It sounds like you have a good relationship with her so she'll hopefully understand your worries. Could you point out that as you're not as strict as many other parents she should take your misgivings about this seriously? Point out how this is not the same as the other raves she's been to - long car trip with passengers, London etc

Is there any chance her friends will decide not to go anyway - when they see how expensive it is? Does your DD know how expensive it would be? If she has to pay for it with her own money it might not seem so appealing.

Damnautocorrect · 23/12/2013 08:58

Yanbu staying locally to the pub or party at 17 no problem.

PuppyMonkey · 23/12/2013 08:59

Brian, I wouldn't lock my 17yo up no. I'd tell her she wasn't to go. She'd moan a lot and would do what I said.

ThreeTomatoes · 23/12/2013 09:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

malovitt · 23/12/2013 10:58

My teens are intending to go to this, OP, although we're already in London so I don't have the worry of them driving there with unknowns.

From what I've heard Shindig is big and pretty well organised by all accounts. Maybe too big for a central London location though, maybe further out?

Buses and tubes are free from 11.45 on NYE until the following morning and most places have free parking on NYD.

I don't drink so will be on standby in case of any drama. I'd be willing to be a local 'emergency' pick up/lift to station etc if she's in trouble?

honeybunny14 · 23/12/2013 11:01

Yabu a little but i can also see it from your point of veiw

LadyBeagleEyes · 23/12/2013 11:04

I hitched hike acrosss Europe at 17.
Is it just not knowing the friends that's worrying you Op? Ds is 18 but I'd be happier if I knew the mates he was going with.
I'd still let her though, it looks like an established event.

MerryFuckingChristmas · 23/12/2013 11:11

malovitt what a lovely offer Thanks

my 18yo dd went out in central manchester this week, some of her friends are 17

the 17yo's didn't get in anywhere, because the venues were asking for a back up form of ID. So their cunning plan of using someone else's was foiled.

sizeup · 23/12/2013 11:36

Even in my small town clubs/pubs only ever accept driving licence or passport. So unless she has a fake one of these I think she may struggle. Plus maybe I'm over-estimating the strictness but do you not think that security staff at some major event will have seen it all before regarding fake ID?

DoYouLikeMyBaubles · 23/12/2013 11:43

It makes me laugh though how the very day they hit 18 everything is now okay and they can do anything, It's a bit of a jump to go to, from 17 and not being allowed to being 18 and doing as they please. Which is why I thoroughly believe in letting them test the waters so to speak. Give them that bit of freedom at a younger age so when they do hit 18 it's not like WHAM I can do what I want let's go party yayyy.

sort of like easing them into it, rather that it being something massive and a shock to the system.