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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to tell my 17 year old dd she can't go out.......

222 replies

Santababy40 · 22/12/2013 20:33

Hi all,

I'm a regular on MN but not been on here before. I've name changed also.
My 17 year old dd wants to go to a rave in London on New Years Eve! We live 4 hours from London. The friends she wants to go with are newish friends that I don't know, one of the boys is driving up and there are 2 others going with him and my dd also wanted to go in the car with them.
I have said no she can't go.

Am I being unreasonable??

OP posts:
TheGonnagle · 22/12/2013 20:53

Um. I used to go to such things in my youth. I turned out fine, but in the same breath in no way would I want my dd there.
Hth but know it doesn't at all.

Elfina · 22/12/2013 20:54

YANU. Make her train it.

SantasTessTackle · 22/12/2013 20:54

OhForDucks I see what you're saying, and generally, I kind of agree.

But. It's all of the OP combined that would make me uneasy as her mother. The driving down especially, and not actually knowing where she's going.

Lottiedoubtie · 22/12/2013 20:54

You can ground her. (But that's a moot point because you are not actually asking that)

We are talking about a minor, living under your care? In your house? Financially and emotionally dependent on you?

Of course you can so no to things like this. It is in her best interests to do so.

Elfina · 22/12/2013 20:54

Eh? 'YANU'

CheckpointCharlie · 22/12/2013 20:54

Hmmmm. I was going to raves with my bf at 17 but at the time was very sensible and didn't take any drugs or anything so that part wouldn't worry me if you feel she is sensible etc.

The part that would worry me is the driving. Raving generally = some kind of drug taking! at the very least drinking and not going to sleep at all. Then driving four hours home with your dd?!?!?

I have been in cars with 17 (and older) boys and after a night out to a rave/club, especially on New Years Eve and the driving was sketchy at best.

YANBU.

CheckpointCharlie · 22/12/2013 20:56

Apologies for the terrible grammar. And of course not all 17 year olds going to a rave will be taking drugs but 99% of them will Grin

BrianTheMole · 22/12/2013 20:56

Well I don't blame you for not wanting her to go, but I don't think you can stop her if she does. I would have gone anyway if I wanted to at that age.

Original poster
Santababy40 · 22/12/2013 20:57

The name of the rave is Shindig, she says she doesn't know where it is as they release the details of the location on the day. No she is not familiar with London expect for a few trips to see the sights!

OP posts:
DalmationDots · 22/12/2013 20:57

I wouldn't let DD at that age, if it was nearer then yes. At 17 it is illegal to be out drinking (I know they all do it).
At 18 DD was off to uni, could make her own choices and do what she likes, before that she was living under my roof and not the super independent/smoking/super streetwise type. It was not going to threaten or ruin our relationship for me to say no or advise against it. If things were more rocky (like some friends experience with their DC) then I'd be more cautious before saying no and weigh it up more.
I think it depends on your DDs experiences and level of independence.

BrianTheMole · 22/12/2013 20:58

I guess you need to tell her all the things that are worrying you about it, and how much she means to you. A nice big guilt trip could work.

Annunziata · 22/12/2013 21:00

I couldn't care less if they can drive or get married at 17, they are still at home and I would still be responsible for them.

AnUnearthlyChild · 22/12/2013 21:02

Out local road safety team runs the campaign 'The biggest killer of teenage girls is teenage boys'

It certainly made me think.

AnuvvaMuvva · 22/12/2013 21:02

YANBU! Why is everyone saying "she is 17" like that's grown up?!

The long journey would be terrifying me the most.

Don't second-guess yourself.

Climbingthewalls12 · 22/12/2013 21:03

I'm in my 20s and my mum still phones to tell me to be careful on nights out. You never stop being a parent but there is a limit.

PlentyOfPubeGardens · 22/12/2013 21:03

That looks ace Grin I'd want to go if my bones weren't so creaky. I think it looks pretty organised as well even if they're not releasing the venue until the last minute.

How is she getting home though? That would be the biggest snag for me.

LaFataTurchina · 22/12/2013 21:03

YANBU - I would say no if it was my DD.

My mum would have said no if I'd suggested something like that to her at 17 (7 years ago so not a long long time ago). I would have been annoyed at her but I wouldn't have gone.

I remember going out for my 18th birthday (in December so cold) and it being fairly rubbish because it took us ages to find somewhere that would let us all in as half my friends were still 17.

usualsuspect · 22/12/2013 21:03

I wouldn't be happy about it,but I wouldn't stop her.

At 17 none of mine asked for my permission to go anywhere.

kali110 · 22/12/2013 21:04

Yanbu at all!shes not even an adult yet. Cant legally drink. I agree with telling her to find plans closer to home.

Original poster
Santababy40 · 22/12/2013 21:04

Wow so many replies!! Thank you.

It's really the driving I'm most worried about!

OP posts:
CranberrySaucyJack · 22/12/2013 21:05

I had my own flat when I was 16. I most certainly would not have appreciated asking my mother's permission to go out, so I think YABU.

CSIJanner · 22/12/2013 21:05

YANBU

- in a working construction site for 13hours.

You should say no on the glam rock outfit on middle aged men trying to relive their youth alone.

PlentyOfPubeGardens · 22/12/2013 21:06

Would it be possible for her to go by train?

harriet247 · 22/12/2013 21:06

Yanbu-if she cant get in (no id) then will the others stay with her?Probably not!seen it happw before.

DigOfTheChristmasTreeStump · 22/12/2013 21:07

What I do think is unreasonalbe is people who thinks her parents shuldn't have a say cause she is the mighty age of 17.

Wow, just wow, the 17-year-old who still lives under your roof, probably still at school, who you probably still get child benefit for, doesm't even have to ask permission to drive four hourson Hogmanay with kids you don't know?

Wow

OP stikc with what you believe in, it is called parenting.