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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to tell my 17 year old dd she can't go out.......

222 replies

Santababy40 · 22/12/2013 20:33

Hi all,

I'm a regular on MN but not been on here before. I've name changed also.
My 17 year old dd wants to go to a rave in London on New Years Eve! We live 4 hours from London. The friends she wants to go with are newish friends that I don't know, one of the boys is driving up and there are 2 others going with him and my dd also wanted to go in the car with them.
I have said no she can't go.

Am I being unreasonable??

OP posts:
usualsuspect · 22/12/2013 22:00

I would be concerned.I would voice my concerns about her lack of ID etc.

I would probably try and persuade her not to go.But I wouldn't say No you can't go.

Clargo55 · 22/12/2013 22:01

I agree Usual.

Skang · 22/12/2013 22:02

Are they staying somewhere afterwards? Or will the guy be driving her back in the morning whilst still off his face on whatever they have been taking?

Annunziata · 22/12/2013 22:02

I was engaged and working full time at 17, I still did as my parents told me.

usualsuspect · 22/12/2013 22:03

I never told my 17 years old what to do.

Skang · 22/12/2013 22:04

They won't cancel their plans if she doesn't get in. What will she do then?

Skang · 22/12/2013 22:04

I was

Skang · 22/12/2013 22:05

I was staying out against my parents wishes at 15 and doing stupid things. That's exactly the reason I would do everything in my power to stop my DD doing something this stupid.

Littlegiraffe · 22/12/2013 22:06

Santa, I feel like a complete hypocrite saying this (as I did my fair share of raving in my teens) but I do not think YABU.
The distance.
Peer pressure to take drugs.
The fact she doesn't know the friends all that well.
The drive home.
The 'what ifs' (lost phone, lost purse, lost friends, sickness, fear)
The probable lack of organisation and health &safety planning.

I'm sure some raves are as safe as clubs. But, if it's a badly organised/rogue one, then it's a risk. The chances of anything bad happening to her are slim, but the stakes are higher if it does. My DDs dad collapsed in a club after taking ecstasy & would have died had there not been paramedics present (it was a well known club in this area where two people had died in the months before, hence the presence of paramedics)

However, I can understand why she wants to go. It's exciting. She wants the experience. At 17, I think all you can do is be as honest with her as you can be, and share your fears. Maybe she'll come to the same conclusion eventually. Good luck OP. It's not always easy being the parent of a teenage girl!

Original poster
Santababy40 · 22/12/2013 22:08

They want to stay somewhere afterwards and then drive back the next day but none of them have very much money and it will be New Years Day so probably quite busy!

OP posts:
Ladyjaxo · 22/12/2013 22:09

There's a world of difference if you have moved out and live independently at 17 or below. At that age with my parents it came down to basic respect as I still lived under their roof. Seeing as she is a somewhat naive 17 year old , I would not let her go. And having frequented such places I can guarantee you there will be drugs and all sorts of other unsavory things and if she isn't street smart and these 'friends' are fairly new and 'unknown' (big red flag), there is as big chance she will get in trouble or be abandoned. Tabby.

Doshusallie · 22/12/2013 22:10

Nope. Not a cat's chance in hell.

Skang · 22/12/2013 22:10

Hotels in London are expensive as hell when it isn't nye.

Honestly, there is so much that could go wrong with this. Just reading your thread makes me feel on edge.

PrimalLass · 22/12/2013 22:10

At 17 I went on holiday from Scotland to London with my then boyfriend. Not sure I will be so understanding when DD is a teen. I had a huge amount of freedom.

timidviper · 22/12/2013 22:11

YANBU. I suspect the people saying you are have much younger children and will change their tune by the time they get to that point!
Mine are older and I wouldn't have wanted them to go at that age

AmberLeaf · 22/12/2013 22:11

Littlegiraffe. Shindig is a well organised promoter, they will have paramedics present.

Original poster
Santababy40 · 22/12/2013 22:11

Thanks Giraffe,

Those are the points I have made. I will talk to her again tomorrow when she's calmed down and doesn't think I'm trying to ruin her life!

OP posts:
AmberLeaf · 22/12/2013 22:12

I have teenagers, including a 17 yr old.

Noggie · 22/12/2013 22:12

I think you have every right to say no- she is living at home so you still make the rules! The driving/rave/London/ new year combo not great Hmm x

MonsterMunchMe · 22/12/2013 22:13

I moved out Into London at 16, worked full time, had very very good fake ID. I did what I wanted when I wanted, that included a lot of drugs and clubs and I'm here to tell the tale, and I grew up in a small MC surrey suburb so not exactly streetwise to begin with.

What are you gona do when she turns 18 on, say, a Friday? Tell her she can't go out on the Thursday but be powerless from the next day?!??

At least she's told you the truth. I'd uncleanch a bit to be honest, tell her she can call you whatever time if she gets into trouble then let her go!!

Lottiedoubtie · 22/12/2013 22:16

Usual she is a child.

Legally a minor.

I know all those things about her being able to live independently etc... Etc.. And yes some people do that, and yes for some it works very well.

But it isn't the situation the OPs daughter is living in. She is still at school, living at home and being financially supported. She asked her mother if it was ok to go. And she has had her answer.

If she was living independently shed have a very different life. And I should think worrying about paying rent and bills at 17 would sharpen you up and make you mature pretty quickly. But that isn't the 'ideal' most people strive for for their children. The majority remain supported by family and in the family home until they leave school.

MonsterMunchMe · 22/12/2013 22:17

Sorry posted to soon

My point is, in her life, she will have to learn to say no to drugs, look after herself, get herself out of a pickle, what clubs and raves look like, that there are some scumbags out there etc. 17 is far too old to be naive to these things IMO you are doing her a disservice my treating her like she's much younger. I assume she's going to uni soon? What will you do then? When she hasn't had any chance of learning these things when she has you to fall back on?

Preciousbane · 22/12/2013 22:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Skang · 22/12/2013 22:18

But what would the op be able to do if her DD was four hours away wandering the streets of London on her own in the early hours? Not much.

usualsuspect · 22/12/2013 22:18

I have had 3 teenagers,so you would be wrong.

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