AIBU to tell my 17 year old dd she can't go out.......

[Santababy40]

Hi all,

I'm a regular on MN but not been on here before. I've name changed also.
My 17 year old dd wants to go to a rave in London on New Years Eve! We live 4 hours from London. The friends she wants to go with are newish friends that I don't know, one of the boys is driving up and there are 2 others going with him and my dd also wanted to go in the car with them.
I have said no she can't go.

Am I being unreasonable??

DD is 17 in just over a week. She wouldn't be going either!!

London is 4 - 6 hours (220 ish miles) away from where we live. We are originally from outside London, but daughter too young to know/remember anywhere around there (other than a couple of school trips).

I definitely do not think you are being unreasonable. Even with people she knows well, I wouldn't happy - not that far,not yet.

I patented just fine thanks.

So stick your wow.

Or parented*

What I do think is unreasonalbe is people who thinks her parents shuldn't have a say cause she is the mighty age of 17.

Not really. Technically of course the parent should have a say. But it depends if the 17 yr old is going to listen. Short of locking them in their room, you can't actually ground them. Although my parents tried that, I just climbed out of the window.

The raves are illegal, that's why the venue doesn't get released any earlier. I certainly wouldn't be allowing my DCs to go, what they do when they are older and independent is up to them!

Shindig? wow. I'd go if I had a sitter!

that is a well established promoter.

it would just be the method of travel that would concern me.

Santa, agree with the majority, YANBU, stick to your guns and say no. Whilst i financially support my children, and they are living at home, i have a say in what they do and when. The older 2 of course i wouldn't, they are at university but any 17 yo under my roof would be expected to ask permission to go to something like a rave in London on NYE (and expect the answer to be no).

They would not need a bar at a place like this, other than selling water. And a stack of "legal highs" and other chemical substances.

I don't see why you let her go to a festival but not this? Did a friend drive to the festivals? Just as likely to have been drinking/drugs/v little sleep but for 2-3 nights at a festival rather than just one!!

She could move out tomorrow and you cannot stop her. I don't see how you could stop her from going tbh. I do agree about the journey being worrying though. Could she get a train or someone trusted to give her a lift?

Santababy the Driving is my main concern too !!!

Shindig is not an illegal rave, tis an established "name' who are at Shambala and Secret Garden. It will not be all teens, there will be many grown ups at this do.
The bit I would be concerned about is the driving. Particularly the journey home, after hours and hours in the club.
Could you send her on the train?

If driving is your main concern how did she get to the festivals?

The car trip would be the deal breaker for me. I'd offer to pay for a train ticket for her and her friends if she's desperate to go. I'd also strongly encourage her to invite her friends round so I could get the measure of them and then I'd advise accordingly.

Annunziata - I disagree that you're "responsible" for 17YO DC who are still living at home when they're away from the home. I feel a responsibility to strongly advise my 17YO regarding certain things but I see this stage as practice for when they do leave home and don't have to ask to do things.

IME teens who have always had to ask permission to do things before they leave home are more likely to go wild when they leave.

However, I expect my 17YO to be considerate and let me know where she is/who she's with/when she's started her journey home etc. She often still asks if she can do things (I think out of habit or in case I make a song and dance about it and embarrass her by phoning other parents to confirm).

Where the concern is safety I try to explain about the risks and/or compromise to minimise the risks. 17YO drivers taking passengers is one of my few outright no's.

www.facebook.com/events/553166434738159/?fref=ts

If my 17 yr old was going to a rave, Id be happy with this one.

She went on the train to the festivals as she was working in the evenings and saved up her own money to pay for the festivals and travel. She's not working at the moment.
I don't think she would go if I've said no. I try very hard to be fair and let her do things as my parents were very strict and wouldn't let me do anything so I moved out when I was younger than her and went a bit crazy!!

I totally agree its not illegal, just because it's a rave doesn't mean it's not a properly organised event, it's basically a huge club set up in a one off warehouse location

www.facebook.com/events/553166434738159/?fref=ts

Ah, if she's not working is she expecting you to pay? That changes my opinion, if she can't fund it that's different and I'd say no

Oh yes - asking for you to pay for it is a completely different matter!

How much does it cost?

What would worry me is that I can't see places in London being lax about ID and at 17 she obviously won't have it. What will happen then? Would the others stay with her? I'd be worrying she'd be left on her own.

yanbu i wouldn't let her go that far to a rave or whatever I dont care how much feet stomping she did

What would worry me is that I can't see places in London being lax about ID and at 17 she obviously won't have it. What will happen then? Would the others stay with her? I'd be worrying she'd be left on her own.

is what i would worry about them leaving her on her own

She seems to think she won't need ID. I don't know the entrance fee and she said her friends would pay for her anyway.

Of course you can ground a 17 year old they are not an adult till 18.