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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to tell my 17 year old dd she can't go out.......

222 replies

Santababy40 · 22/12/2013 20:33

Hi all,

I'm a regular on MN but not been on here before. I've name changed also.
My 17 year old dd wants to go to a rave in London on New Years Eve! We live 4 hours from London. The friends she wants to go with are newish friends that I don't know, one of the boys is driving up and there are 2 others going with him and my dd also wanted to go in the car with them.
I have said no she can't go.

Am I being unreasonable??

OP posts:

Original poster

Santababy40 · 22/12/2013 22:51

I am pleased she asked me because I used to lie to my parents to get out!!
By the time she knows where the venue is they would already be on their way to London so it wouldn't be possible to pre arrange anything.
I shall talk to her tomorrow and see if I can make her understand my worries.

OP posts:

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 22/12/2013 22:52

Monster if she needs her mother to do all that for her rather than thinking of it herself, then she isn't mature enough to go IMO.

maddening the chances of there being any hotel accommodation that isn't either ££££ or a very dodgy dive at this short notice for NYE is extremely slim. And I would say again - if the DD wants to do it then she should be the one to organise these things. If she won't/can't then she isn't grown up enough to do.

Someone said about Uni. That is a completely different set up IME and not at all similar to heading a four hour drive away from home with people you don't know very well.

AmberLeaf · 22/12/2013 22:54

No uni is being in that position every day/night of the week!

NoComet · 22/12/2013 23:00

Uni is very different, you aren't 4 hours away from your bed relying on people you scarcely know for transport.

The city I went to had night buses and proper taxis. If you were in the student union the older students doing security would have found a cab number for some one in trouble.

They would also throw you out if you caused trouble.

My flat mate paid is huge phone bill(American CD) doing security on night club nights.

Caitlin17 · 22/12/2013 23:00

She's old enough to leave home and get married. She's old enough to drive a car. She's old enough to join the army. All without your permission. Are you going to lock her in her room?

usualsuspect · 22/12/2013 23:04

If they at uni you don't know what they are up to.

NoComet · 22/12/2013 23:04

American GF,

usualsuspect · 22/12/2013 23:05

Or would you expect them to check in with you every night?

usualsuspect · 22/12/2013 23:07

I would be more concerned if they couldn't sort their own lives out by the time they went to uni.

lindsay82 · 22/12/2013 23:08

As what she's asking to do is illegal I'd say no. I'm not sure it's appropriate for a parent to allow their child to do something illegal even though we probably all did it ourselves.
When I was 17 no meant no.

Thants · 22/12/2013 23:08

Yanbu. If it's a rave it's probably illegal. Unless she just means a club night. She is underage and with strangers.
Suggest she has friends over?

Lovecat · 22/12/2013 23:09

Monstermunchie, what planet are you on? "17 is far too old to be naive to these things?"

At what age do you think the OP's daughter should have encountered drugs, raves, scumbags etc? Seriously??

I don't think the OP has done her a disservice or treated her like she's much younger at all, I think she's been entirely age appropriate.

FWIW I had astonishingly strict parents and didn't even enter a pub til I was 17 (and only then to have a coke!), but it didn't make me some naive airhead who couldn't cope with "these things".

You can know about drugs/drink/scumbags without having to experience them, and I find your assumption that the OP has kept her DD in cotton wool and she won't be able to cope with the big bad world out there quite offensive.

YANBU OP. The car journey would be the thing that would worry me the most, the next would be that she's at great risk of being left outside the club alone by these 'friends' on NYE if she hasn't got ID. London on NYE is chaotic to say the least, I wouldn't want her to go either.

Tikkamasala · 22/12/2013 23:24

I don't have teens but my parents would have definitely said no this for me when I was 17! They told me I wasn't allowed to go to festivals at that age too (though I bought tickets with my own money from my job and went anyway) At the time I thought my parents were unreasonable but now I can understand more where they were coming from with these things. I think you sound sensible OP, allowing some things eg festivals and not being too strict, but agree with you I would have some concerns about this one, mainly re not having ID and what will she do if she can't get in and is just stranded in a random part of London, miles from home. I would be strongly discouraging but trying not to get in an argument about it.

MonsterMunchMe · 22/12/2013 23:41

lovecat I never said that the OP wrapped her DD in Cotton wool?

And I'm living on a planet where 17 is nearly an adult and IMO opinion you should start to let go before they go to uni totally clueless.

Knowing about drugs and raves and actually experiencing saying no to drugs and keeping your wits about you at a rave are two very very very different things.

And no one mentioned OP's DD being an airhead, I have no idea why you are offended. Calm down.

IThinkThat · 22/12/2013 23:44

Is it for over 18's ??

I have kids around this age and I would let them go to festivals but would not want them to go to this. It's huge! and will have a very different feel to it than normal festivals. I wouldn't like the unknown aspect to it.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 22/12/2013 23:51

Amber no it is not. When you are at Uni you have a home, you are with friends who live if not in the same building as you then close by - and if the shit hits the fan then you can always go to the union/student services or whatever to get some help. Totally different to setting off for an unknown location with people you hardly know and 4 hours away from your own safe space.

Monster there is a fucking huge difference between starting to let them go so that they aren't clueless at university, and what the OP's DD is proposing here.

BrianTheMole · 23/12/2013 00:02

I have a 17 year old DD.
no fucking way.
HTH.

How would you stop her then if she decided she was going? Short of locking her up, you can't.

usualsuspect · 23/12/2013 00:03

When they are at uni do you think they stay in all the time?

Never get in someone's car they don't know very well? They are surrounded by people they don't know.
Never go to raves in other cities?

The difference is,you don't know about it.

SouthernComforts · 23/12/2013 00:14

The lack of ID is the main issue here. She won't get in.
If the location hasn't been announced then they could be in a hotel/b%b miles away. The friends will leave her if she doesn't get in.

Stupid idea.

I'm 21 btw and moved out/had dd at 17.

lookatmybutt · 23/12/2013 00:18

If she can't get in without ID (or any of the others can't) they'll all be out on their ear. It looks like it may be an organised rave masquerading as an old skool one, so I think her chances of getting in are slim to none. You can't get into any clubs in London when you're under 18 unless it's a very dodgy place. I don't even think the Backbeat did and they used to deal hard drugs over the bar (I never went there myself, I might add).

Have any of her 'friends' ever been to a rave in London before? Or London alone? Or a rave? Where the hell are they going to park? They don't even know where it is yet, for starters.

If they can't get in they'll be walking the streets of London all night. They won't be able to get in anywhere else because it will all be packed and booked, and take it from me that will be very very boring.

BrianTheMole · 23/12/2013 00:24

The lack of ID is the main issue here. She won't get in.

Most youngsters equip themselves with borrowed or pre made id. Its not hard to get or expensive

MerryFuckingChristmas · 23/12/2013 00:31

When I was 16 I did X, Y, Z

When my kids were teenagers I did X, Y, Z

So what ?

I hate these threads where it is implied if you are not handing your teenagers their complete freedom to get into all sorts of pickles as soon as they demand it, you are denying them a life. This reminds me of the "you are a crap parent because your 14 yo isn't travelling the length of the country on public transport and mine is" thread

I would, and have done, stop my 17 yo from doing something I didn't think was in her best interests

Those saying "how would you stop her" it was pretty easy actually

it's a word with two letters, and a very effective one it is too

goingmadinthecountry · 23/12/2013 00:47

Depends on your dd. would have had no issues with dd2 going at that age. Ds however is 17 and a bit less together.

It's hard - am now on my 3rd 17 y o. No right answers!)

BrianTheMole · 23/12/2013 00:52

it's a word with two letters, and a very effective one it is too

Yep. Okey dokey. Hope that works out for you then.

Springcleanish · 23/12/2013 00:52

YANBU, whilst living under your roof, your rules. I would say "no" if she was 18 too, as I think it's important theat children know the parental POV, even if they then choose to ignore it.

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