To be really angry with the school and be considering not sending my DCs in for the last 2 days?

[littlewhitehamster]

I have 2 DC, DS who is 8 and in year 3 and DD who is 5 and in year 1.

A new boy started the school about 2 weeks after half term and is in my DDs class. 3 weeks ago my DD said that this boy was 'not being nice to her' when I asked what was going on she said that for the last couple of days he had been saying to her she was his girlfriend and she must play with him and not play with any other boys, apparently DD said she told him she didn't want to be his girlfriend and she just played with her friends as normal resulting in this boy pulling on her hair.

I sent a not in the next day via the office for the class teacher (not very easy to grab a word in the morning) expressing my concern and asked if she could possibly keep an eye out for anything and have a word with the boy in question if needed. At the end of the day when I sent the note in the teacher spoke to me and said that she had not seen anything but assured me she would keep an eye out, she also told my DD to speak to her if anything happened.

Everything was quiet until about 10-12 days ago when again DD told me she was starting to have the same sort of problems with this boy, she had told the class teacher and he had stopped bothering her in class but started bothering her at break and lunch times, insisting she was his girlfriend, lifting her skirt up, kissing her on the cheek. I saw the teacher and the head they assured that staff on playground duty would be made aware and that the boy would be spoken to.

A few days pass with no problem and then yesterday the boy tried to kiss my DD again, she ran away from him and told the playground staff, he left her alone until the whistle was blown, while running to line up DD said he caught her and held her in a hug so she couldn't get away so her could kiss her. I didn't find out until this last night so went and saw the head this morning, was assured that closer observation would be made and the boys mum would be spoken to (not that she strikes me as the kind who would give a shit).

Tonight my DD came out of class and looked upset I asked if she was OK and she started to cry and saying something about this boy at lunch but I couldn't understand through the crying. I said we would find her brother and speak to the teacher/head. My DS came out of his class looking equally upset and when I asked what was wrong her cried too saying he has to stay in at lunch tomorrow.

It turns out that at lunch today this boy was again holding on to my DD and kissing her, when she got away she told the playground staff and was told to try and stay away from him, she tried to stay out of his way but he started to chase her and she again told the playground staff who asked her to point him out and they said go and play we will speak to him (not sure if they did of didn't speak to him). He then chased and caught her with his arms around her and kissed her on the check and then still holding her tried to kiss her lips, at this point my DS saw, ran over and pushed the boy- he fell and grazed his hand. DS took DD to play with him for the few remaining minutes of lunch.

The boy must have informed the playground staff as he now has to miss 15 mins of lunch tomorrow, sit in the class room and write a sorry letter to the boy in question. I told his teacher he would most certainly not be writing a sorry letter to this boy and went to the head, who was busy but will see me in the morning.

I am so angry at the schools failure to deal with this situation and punishing my DS for stopping that the staff should have stopped. I don't want to send my DC in for the last 2 days of term, especially if my DS is going to have to write a sorry letter and this other boy gets away with no punishment for distressing my DD over several weeks.

I have spoken with the head about this before and nothing appears to have been done.. who can I go to to make it stop??

Well done. I think you got it spot on. I shall be interested to see what the various agencies do.

Well done OP, the head sounds weak and I think contacting the governors and other agencies is the right way to go.

well done. It does sound as if for some reason they are reluctant to get involved with this family. Are there other siblings in the school? I agree re all the agencies you should be contacting, esp Ofsted as it does sound as if this school are failing in terms of safeguarding, something which can land them into special measures instantly if this is seen to be the case (I am a former CoG at a primary).

Now unfortunately there is a protocol in terms of complaints against the school which start at the head, then to the governors, and then, strangely, to the secretary of state. the LEA rarely get involved against complaints against the school in terms of your own circumstances... so what you need to do in terms of your dd is to write to the chair of governors detailing your complaint against the school, but when you contact Ofsted/the child protection officer at the council you need to make it clear that your concern is for the child who is modelling the sexualised behaviors iyswim.

wow the head sounds spineless. Whatever happened to safeguarding , both your dd and the other child. Write to the governor named as responsible for safeguarding as well as contact LA and Ofsted.

What has come across clearly in your post is that the Head Teacher is out of his depth. The outside agencies that you have determined to contact will only help the situation although I suspect some might already be involved. I think you were excellent and I hope that they can offer a more sustainable solution than 'we will continue not keeping an eye on your daughter as we have already being doing'.

Well done. It sounds like you handled that meeting very well.

Now you need to email the head with a summary of your conversation, similar to your post in detail, ending with what he has agreed and what you expect to happen next. Give time limits. If he doesn't respond to refute what is in you email it becomes an admissible record of the conversation in any future proceedings.

Contact the EWO and send them a copy of the email. Also ask that they intervene on behalf of your DD as her welfare is compromised in school.

As I assume the HT is responsible for child protection in his school, might I suggest he updates his training?

He cannot afford to be out of his depth. He needs to speak to outside agencies who will be able to support him with the boy's parents if necessary.

But he must act.

If I was you OP, I would write a follow up letter to the head, copied to whomsoever you think is relevant, summarising your discussion, any action points agreed and your current position as to the school's response.

This will provide a record which is important as well as help you to remember events for any future discussions and will prevent the school "misinterpreting" the meeting.

Good luck. Seems the head just wants to take the line of least resistance. It is so much easier to fob off you and your lovely DD than face down the challenging parents.

X post with Goldmandra - great minds think alike.

Well done op also if sending things in post please use special delivery this way it is tracked amd signed for all the way where as old recorded (signed for) is only tracked when it has reached to the delivery office

The school should be damn ashamed. They are failing your children and that boy. He needs supervision and help. I really hope he's not acting out anything he sees at home.

Great start OP but that head sounds like an idiot. Second the PPs saying write it all down.

Do not let this drop - just because another family is challenging, your kids have to put up and shut up?! I don't think so... Definitely get some assistance. Does your house insurance provide legal cover? Could you get a solicitor to come to the next meeting with you? Obviously, it should absolutely not have to come to this, but why should your daughter miss out on schooling as a result?

It looks like the ht is not doing his job and I would be quite concerned. Based on my experience with a failing nursery, I think I would be looking around for alternative schools.

The 5yr old boy seems to have a troubled background. Sadly, you can get these kind of families at any school; however if the ht is not able to safeguard appropriately (safeguard your dd, ds and the boy) then I don't trust him to run the school.

Disgraceful that he only started thinking about how to handle this once you threatened to get outside agencies involved. I wouldn't trust him and would look for alternative schools. Are you happy with the school apart from this issue?

Yy to get ss, govs and ofsted involved. Yu are handling this very well but I am so sorry you and your family have the hanging over yourselves. X

I'd like to offer my story here:

My DD was sexually assaulted when in Y1 (she was 6) by two boys in her class while getting changed for PE - and I mean seriously assaulted. I'm not going to give details because it's fucking unpleasant. So I have been the Mother in this instance, I know exactly how it feels.

One of the boys already had form for pinning girls against the wall, lifting skirts, pulling down underwear, etc. The other boy was badly behaved prior to the incident with DD.

At no point did I want either boy punched in the face or kicked in the bollocks. I didn't want anything physical to happen to these boys. Because they were six. Who would wish that on a small child? Yes, DD was assaulted and it was horrible, but I feel very strongly, as I did then (she's 12 now) that the fault lay entirely with the school and the parents (in no particular order). I wanted their parents involved and apologies made. I wanted the boys to understand about personal space and bodies belonging to individuals, etc.

The HT dealt with things fantastically well. The boys were talked to at an appropriate level. Parents were called in, but obviously I don't know what was said to them because of confidentiality.

The boy with the prior worrying sexualised behaviour left the school when he was 7 - after continuing with the behaviour. He'd be 12 now and I wonder how he's getting on. I worry for him because if his parents left that kind of behaviour unchecked and put it down to 'childish behaviour', he will have continued and possibly progressed to worse.

I also have two sons, one of whom is 5. The thought of an adult wanting to punch him in the face turns my stomach. Adults condoning violence towards small children (who may be exhibiting sexualised behaviour, but certainly don't know it is sexualised) are much, much worse than the child in question.

Shame on whoever it was that wanted to punch a child in the face or have them kicked in the bollocks. I would call the police on a parent like that in a shot if they threatened that towards my son, regardless of what he'd done.

I don't think anyone is saying he shouldn't be dealt with because of his age. I think several of us have said that the manner of dealing with him (support/supervision rather than vitriole and blame) should reflect his age.

And yes, if there are bigger issues around the family, then outside agencies should be involved.

heartbrokenmummy how bloody dreadful. I do hope your dd is ok now, must have been dreadful.

I think the vast majority of posters completely agree with you in that the school should act to protect and promote the best interests of ALL the children involved as that is their duty of care.

My dd was bullied by a new child- the parents were called in, the child had to write mine a letter, he was on report every breaktime and lost golden time if he transgressed, they even created a little signal that my dd could use if she wanted to report him but not to look like she was telling tales and the teachers checked in with her daily. It was taken very seriously indeed. The handling of it was exemplary and he hasn't reoffended and seems quite a nice boy (once I stopped disliking him for hurting my child).

Sometimes children can be disturbed by a sudden move (mid-term) and/or have ongoing issues, either way, there is plenty the school can do to make sure this doesn't repeat- it's very important for a new child that the boundaries of acceptable behaviour are drawn out and followed through at the new school, especially if they have moved because he/they have issues as is sometimes the case.

Well done!

I agree with following up the meeting with your notes recording the incidents including yesterday, any agreements, the lack of a plan to safeguard your daughter resulting in her returning home today, your instructions regarding your son (i.e. the head is well aware of your instruction before anyone asks the child to write a sorry letter ) and a time limit on next steps- on day 1 of the next term you expect a proper plan to be in place.

Unfortunately it does sound like contacting the EWO, child protection, social work etc are best done by you to ensure they get the info the need.

I hope your son returns home having had a nice day and no request to write a letter.

OP, I think you have handled this brilliantly, and you are giving both your children an excellent message about not only how to deal with bullies, but about females' rights to say no to males.

I have a couple of friends who DDs have had similar experiences, and the schools and parents have tried to pass it off as being fucking cute, and the boy having a crush, etc. It's even been suggested that the girls try to be nicer and friendlier to the boys doing this to them! We live in a society where women are made to feel responsible for men's emotions and needs, and where dodgy behaviour is minimised and victim-blamed away as romance or her not being recpetive, etc., etc., and it's incidences like this where such bullshit attitudes start. You start off not taking girls being treated like this seriously, making them feel like they've made the boy act like this, make them feel like they're bad to not want it or complain, try to suggest that they change their behaviour or even accept it to make it all better, and you create potential future abuse victims with terrible self-esteem and sense of personal rights and boundaries.

Oxford I could echo your post word for word - except in my case it is my 5 year old son who is on the receiving end of unwanted physical affection (plus a bit of violence when he doesn't comply) from a girl in his class. They're 5 too.

My school are better at dealing with it than the OP's but it has certainly been suggested to him that she's 'just being nice' (up until she slapped him, hard) and her mum certainly thinks it's 'cute'. I still doubt that if ds1 (age 8, same age as the op's son) had pushed her over in the playground you'd be lauding his anti-bullying stance.

It's a horrible situation, for the Op, her daughter and her son. But all involved (OP excepted) are children, not symbols of the fight against male repression.

Fair point, Barbarian - it's a terrible message for both sexes to receive as children, that their rights don't matter and they should just placate someone making them miserable, especially in a 'romantic' context.

Btw, I didn't say anywhere that I think her son's actions were right. That's your projection. I have a son too, I certainly don't think it's one rule for boys, another for girls.

You have handled this brilliantly.

The HT sounds utterly spineless and because he/she is clearly afraid of the other family thought it would be do much easier to make your family comply. He/she doesn't sound up to the job, frankly.

I think BarbarianMum if I am understanding correctly, that you are saying that the behaviour of a child does not reflect in the adult version of male repression that we are farmiliar with. I suppose my thinking would be that the bahaviour of the child will reflect in the man/woman they become unless someone challenges it and that would be a concern for me. That then would feed into the male repression that was raised before but not only that the actions of the school (or complete inaction) tell the girl that the behaviour is acceptable and so will feed into who she becomes as well, thankfully her mother is on the ball and that won't happen here.