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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be really angry with the school and be considering not sending my DCs in for the last 2 days?

258 replies

littlewhitehamster · 18/12/2013 17:15

I have 2 DC, DS who is 8 and in year 3 and DD who is 5 and in year 1.

A new boy started the school about 2 weeks after half term and is in my DDs class. 3 weeks ago my DD said that this boy was 'not being nice to her' when I asked what was going on she said that for the last couple of days he had been saying to her she was his girlfriend and she must play with him and not play with any other boys, apparently DD said she told him she didn't want to be his girlfriend and she just played with her friends as normal resulting in this boy pulling on her hair.

I sent a not in the next day via the office for the class teacher (not very easy to grab a word in the morning) expressing my concern and asked if she could possibly keep an eye out for anything and have a word with the boy in question if needed. At the end of the day when I sent the note in the teacher spoke to me and said that she had not seen anything but assured me she would keep an eye out, she also told my DD to speak to her if anything happened.

Everything was quiet until about 10-12 days ago when again DD told me she was starting to have the same sort of problems with this boy, she had told the class teacher and he had stopped bothering her in class but started bothering her at break and lunch times, insisting she was his girlfriend, lifting her skirt up, kissing her on the cheek. I saw the teacher and the head they assured that staff on playground duty would be made aware and that the boy would be spoken to.

A few days pass with no problem and then yesterday the boy tried to kiss my DD again, she ran away from him and told the playground staff, he left her alone until the whistle was blown, while running to line up DD said he caught her and held her in a hug so she couldn't get away so her could kiss her. I didn't find out until this last night so went and saw the head this morning, was assured that closer observation would be made and the boys mum would be spoken to (not that she strikes me as the kind who would give a shit).

Tonight my DD came out of class and looked upset I asked if she was OK and she started to cry and saying something about this boy at lunch but I couldn't understand through the crying. I said we would find her brother and speak to the teacher/head. My DS came out of his class looking equally upset and when I asked what was wrong her cried too saying he has to stay in at lunch tomorrow.

It turns out that at lunch today this boy was again holding on to my DD and kissing her, when she got away she told the playground staff and was told to try and stay away from him, she tried to stay out of his way but he started to chase her and she again told the playground staff who asked her to point him out and they said go and play we will speak to him (not sure if they did of didn't speak to him). He then chased and caught her with his arms around her and kissed her on the check and then still holding her tried to kiss her lips, at this point my DS saw, ran over and pushed the boy- he fell and grazed his hand. DS took DD to play with him for the few remaining minutes of lunch.

The boy must have informed the playground staff as he now has to miss 15 mins of lunch tomorrow, sit in the class room and write a sorry letter to the boy in question. I told his teacher he would most certainly not be writing a sorry letter to this boy and went to the head, who was busy but will see me in the morning.

I am so angry at the schools failure to deal with this situation and punishing my DS for stopping that the staff should have stopped. I don't want to send my DC in for the last 2 days of term, especially if my DS is going to have to write a sorry letter and this other boy gets away with no punishment for distressing my DD over several weeks.

I have spoken with the head about this before and nothing appears to have been done.. who can I go to to make it stop??

Angry Angry Angry

OP posts:
recall · 19/12/2013 01:05

YANBU, and well done to your son for pushing that boy flat on his arse !!

Hissy · 19/12/2013 07:40

Why was this boy not sat down day 1 and told that if someone says no, leave me alone, he leaves her alone?

When will someone teach a boy like this that he can't boss girls about?

And since when is a brother chastised for protecting his little sister? Doing the job the school could have got right days before?

Your school sounds like our old infant school. Ffing useless and totally fails to support those that have been intimidated by bullies.

Goldmandra · 19/12/2013 08:27

Why was this boy not sat down day 1 and told that if someone says no, leave me alone, he leaves her alone?

How do you know he wasn't?

raggedymum · 19/12/2013 08:37

Your DS should not have to write an apology letter. No matter that he shouldn't have to apologise for acting when the adults had failed to protect his sister, the other boy should definitely not receive such a letter. What would that teach him? That he can do what he wants to others and if someone tries to stop him, that person gets in trouble. Not the message to send at all.

Gileswithachainsaw · 19/12/2013 08:47

I hope op got /gets to see the HT this morning.

The dis regard for the poor girls upset is shocking. Whatever plan of action they have in place clearly isn't working and it's not enough to just support the boy they need to actively protect the dd as well.

And I hope op reminds them very firmly but politely that this apology letter is never going to happen!!

BarbarianMum · 19/12/2013 11:12

**

My ds2 (Y1) has been "harassed" by a little girl in his class since September - lots of unwanted cuddles and kisses, claiming he's her boyfriend. She slapped him across the face once when he said he wasn't.

The school are trying to address this but it is proving quite difficult (partly cause her mum thinks it sweet). We get weeks of appropriate behaviour now, and odd lapses.

I still wouldn't think it appropriate if Y3 ds1 pushed her over though (though would have more sympathy if ds2 did so whilst trying to get her off. He won't).

Yes the school should be addressing it (but maybe they are). But it is still a 5 year old we're talking about.

Original poster
littlewhitehamster · 19/12/2013 11:18

Have only skimmed over the replies, will go back and read after posting.

Am back from seeing the head. I have not sent DD in to school today, she did not want to go in anyway this plus the inability of the head to tell me exactly what would be done to safeguard my daughter against the unwanted attention she was receiving has made me to decide to not send her in today or tomorrow.

First I made it clear that my DS will not be writing a letter to this boy, he will however miss some break time. Fair enough. I said that if during this time if my DS is presented with a piece of paper to write a sorry letter I have instructed him to not do so and he will be writing 'an un sorry letter' /drawing/leaving a blank page.
I made it clear that my DS had been forced to act due to the school failing to stop the actions of this child for several weeks. My DS was in reception with my DD and mum friend sitting with them so I said he could go into class, he wanted to go in for xmas activities with his friends.

I got the impression from the head that for some reason he is reluctant to speak to the family?? when I mentioned the boy in question he did the sucking breath intake car mechanics give you when they are about to charge you a fortune and said '....they're challenging....... we have already spoken to the mother about the behaviour.....' I did say that as he obviously finds it so hard to speak to challenging parents about inappropriate behaviour that he is massively failing in his duty of care to my daughter and any other children affected and asked why my DD should have to be defended by her 8yo brother because the numerous adults are not prepared to do so.

All he could say was that he would make sure staff keep a watch for anything. This is what has been said before and did not work so asked what will be different this time? This is all they can do according to the head. This is not good enough, So I will not send DD in, She does not want to go in anyway after yesterday. This will apparently be counted as 4 sessions on unauthorised absence, I will be referred to an EWO. I said that was no problem I would look forward to their call.

I informed HT I will be contacting the local council, sending a letter to the governors detailing all incidents, reporting and outcomes and also contacting Ofsted as the handling of this is shocking.

I said that I know that you cannot give details to me about other families but I believe social services should be involved as I am concerned this behaviour is modelled from somewhere and should be investigated before it escalates for the sake of the boy, my DD and other children from the family and children who may be subjected this or worse in the future.

HT then started to try and back track and offer solutions as to what could be done to ensure this boy does not go near my daughter. I said that only the threat of contacting outside agencies has made you decide to offer support to my DD and that it is not acceptable, what if this had happened to another child who's parents didn't know who to contact for help?? the behaviour would carry on, maybe escalate and could have long term effects on the children involved.

I have requested a meeting the first morning back in the new year to discuss if they can offer something better that keeping an eye on the boy in question before I send my DD in.

Not happy at all.

Have left message with child protection officer at council, waiting for them to call back. I am considering calling SS myself as I am not 100% sure after that meeting the school will. Today I am going to write to the governors and Ofsted.

DD is constructing some kind of christmas craft at the table and we are going to go out and find somewhere that does a christmas lunch as she will miss the school one today

OP posts:
Gileswithachainsaw · 19/12/2013 11:19

Yes the school should be addressing it (but maybe they are). But it is still a 5 year old we're talking about

Yes and the dd is ONLY 5 too!!! So she has no idea if anyone's watching out for her, whether anyone's told a teacher and they are on their way. All she knows is she's being followed around and harassed by this boy. And you know what the Ds is only 8. He probably doesn't have the ability or maturity to stand there and think of a million different ways to help his sister which te boy would understand and the teachers accepted as fair, he jut saw his sister upset and went to help her. The boy fell over as a result.

TensionWheelsCoolHeels · 19/12/2013 11:20

The lack of supervision of the boy here is the main issue, and it is the school that is failing there. Using the excuse of 'there's 300kids to supervise' means they get to pretend it's too much to watch this boy. It's not. It can be done. I'm currently volunteering at a primary school and there are a couple of kids you have to keep an eye on because of their behaviour, and it's not as difficult as it's being made out to be. Taking the girls upset seriously, speaking to the boy, making it clear he is to leave her alone/stay away from her, and the keeping an eye on him to make sure he follows what he's been told. This is stuff I've been doing on a regular basis over the past few months and it's not that difficult. Unless the school is over run with too many badly behaving kids where you are stretched in far too many directions then there is no excuse to put the onus on a little girl upset by this boys actions to deal with it instead of acting on her reports.

AbiRoad · 19/12/2013 11:26

i think you handled yourself very well indeed in your discussion with the head.

DorothyBastard · 19/12/2013 11:26

How did you get on with the HT this morning Littlewhite?

DorothyBastard · 19/12/2013 11:27

Oops, x-posted

DorothyBastard · 19/12/2013 11:29

Oops, x-posted

DorothyBastard · 19/12/2013 11:29

How did you get on with the HT this morning Littlewhite?

thebody · 19/12/2013 11:30

Well done op. Spot on. The head is reluctant to tackle this obviously difficult family but that's his bloody job.

You need an action plan IN WRITING of how they intend to deal with both the boys behaviour and the safeguarding if your dd.

As you say involve the governor with responsibility for safeguarding, email the attendance officer to say why dd is not in school.

Always keep it in writing.

To be honest I would have lost confidence in this school but obviously it's a big step to move your dcs.

Well done and good luck.

Nancy66 · 19/12/2013 11:32

It sounds like the head/school are scared or intimidated by the boy's family .

SMorgauseBordOfChristmasTat · 19/12/2013 11:34

Brilliant, OP!

Noseynoonoo · 19/12/2013 11:35

Good for you OP. Inform as many outside agencies as possible. The HT is only going to do something to safeguard your daughter when someone is breathing down his neck. Some outside agencies may not act quickly so if you contact a few, at least one will be on the phone to him by the end of term.

Good for you. Hope you are having a nice day with DD.

TheBrotherHoodOfSteel · 19/12/2013 11:36

Oh your poor daughter, it must be horrendous to keep being pursued like that. I'm sorry but your son was so sweet protecting his sister like that! My brothers did the same for me and my son protects his little sister too! I would keep them off and speak to the head. They are letting you all down! Good luck op and I hope you get it sorted.

Gileswithachainsaw · 19/12/2013 11:37

Well done op

Hope your dd has a nice day today and your Ds has gone in with his head held high. He's braver than that damn HT!!

I hope you don't go back on calling the outside agencies as it sounds like it's the only way anything will get done. I hope to god his reaction didn't mean they aren't prepared to intervene with the boys family because that's just disgusting :(

harriet247 · 19/12/2013 11:40

Good for you OP- I was at primary with a boy like this and his family were infamous so barely anything was done. He went on a total spiral as a teenager and is now in prison for attempted murder of another lad. Children with behavioural problems NEED help not to be ignored or just have a naughty label slapped on them. Hopefully by helping your dd and ds uou will be in turn helping this boy to be able to behave normally as an adult.

pigletmania · 19/12/2013 11:48

Well done op your on the money. You were spot on! The Ht sounds as much use as a chocolate tea pot, it's funny how he would pull ou more stops once you mentioned other agencies and ss involvement. I would carry through and contact OFSTEADvand LEA, and would also inform ss. Good on you op!

MisguidedHamwidge · 19/12/2013 11:50

Good for you OP. I think you have taken exactly the right approach and please do not let the school act as if you are over-reacting (it doesn't sound like you will anyway!).

Well done to your DS. I tell my DS that he should avoid using violence (always report to teacher if possible) BUT that he is allowed to use reasonable force to protect himself or another child if necessary. When confronted with a bully, there isn't always time to get a teacher (especially at my DS's school where the lunchtime supervision seems to be non-existent!)

This is the legal definition of self-defence for adults, including defending another person who is at risk of harm so I think it is appropriate for a child to follow the same rules.

BadgersNadgers · 19/12/2013 11:57

Good work, OP. sounds like this is a problem family but your daughter shouldn't have to suffer because the head can't deal with them.

Have you started to make plans for after the year if the head still can't offer a suitable solution?

TheHeadlessLadyofCannock · 19/12/2013 12:51

Well done, OP. You come out of this much better than the head. I do hope it all gets resolved so your children AND the other boy are all helped and protected.