To be really angry with the school and be considering not sending my DCs in for the last 2 days?

[littlewhitehamster]

I have 2 DC, DS who is 8 and in year 3 and DD who is 5 and in year 1.

A new boy started the school about 2 weeks after half term and is in my DDs class. 3 weeks ago my DD said that this boy was 'not being nice to her' when I asked what was going on she said that for the last couple of days he had been saying to her she was his girlfriend and she must play with him and not play with any other boys, apparently DD said she told him she didn't want to be his girlfriend and she just played with her friends as normal resulting in this boy pulling on her hair.

I sent a not in the next day via the office for the class teacher (not very easy to grab a word in the morning) expressing my concern and asked if she could possibly keep an eye out for anything and have a word with the boy in question if needed. At the end of the day when I sent the note in the teacher spoke to me and said that she had not seen anything but assured me she would keep an eye out, she also told my DD to speak to her if anything happened.

Everything was quiet until about 10-12 days ago when again DD told me she was starting to have the same sort of problems with this boy, she had told the class teacher and he had stopped bothering her in class but started bothering her at break and lunch times, insisting she was his girlfriend, lifting her skirt up, kissing her on the cheek. I saw the teacher and the head they assured that staff on playground duty would be made aware and that the boy would be spoken to.

A few days pass with no problem and then yesterday the boy tried to kiss my DD again, she ran away from him and told the playground staff, he left her alone until the whistle was blown, while running to line up DD said he caught her and held her in a hug so she couldn't get away so her could kiss her. I didn't find out until this last night so went and saw the head this morning, was assured that closer observation would be made and the boys mum would be spoken to (not that she strikes me as the kind who would give a shit).

Tonight my DD came out of class and looked upset I asked if she was OK and she started to cry and saying something about this boy at lunch but I couldn't understand through the crying. I said we would find her brother and speak to the teacher/head. My DS came out of his class looking equally upset and when I asked what was wrong her cried too saying he has to stay in at lunch tomorrow.

It turns out that at lunch today this boy was again holding on to my DD and kissing her, when she got away she told the playground staff and was told to try and stay away from him, she tried to stay out of his way but he started to chase her and she again told the playground staff who asked her to point him out and they said go and play we will speak to him (not sure if they did of didn't speak to him). He then chased and caught her with his arms around her and kissed her on the check and then still holding her tried to kiss her lips, at this point my DS saw, ran over and pushed the boy- he fell and grazed his hand. DS took DD to play with him for the few remaining minutes of lunch.

The boy must have informed the playground staff as he now has to miss 15 mins of lunch tomorrow, sit in the class room and write a sorry letter to the boy in question. I told his teacher he would most certainly not be writing a sorry letter to this boy and went to the head, who was busy but will see me in the morning.

I am so angry at the schools failure to deal with this situation and punishing my DS for stopping that the staff should have stopped. I don't want to send my DC in for the last 2 days of term, especially if my DS is going to have to write a sorry letter and this other boy gets away with no punishment for distressing my DD over several weeks.

I have spoken with the head about this before and nothing appears to have been done.. who can I go to to make it stop??

[littlewhitehamster]

Evening everyone.

It saddens me to here more stories similar and worse than this one to everyone who has shared and offered advice.

I had a call back from a woman in child protection dept and have discussed with her my concerns, she has said that she would be contacting the school re safeguarding policies and training. She has passed my details to the EWO who I am hoping will contact me to discuss the reasons for my DDs absence, I am hopeful that they may be able to also speak to the school regarding this too. She also said that yes it would be a good idea to write to the governors and Ofsted swell as a call to SS re the boy in question incase outside involvement is needed/ requires re assessing. She has given me permission to mention her name to the people I contact so she can be contacted if needed.

I called SS, I told them who I was however requested this was kept from the family. I explained my concerns about the boys behaviour and what was happening with my daughter and the school. Also said that I am also concerned for the 2 younger siblings and the baby yet to be born if something untoward is happening at home. Woman at SS said that the consider cases for investigation based on the information they may already have in conjunction with any new information and said that they will decide on the course of action to be taken however I will not be told of the result. Understandable. She has my number if they need anything else.

I have written a letter (which covers 3 pages!) detailing everything from start until now. I have sent this by email to the HT, the Governor responsible for safeguarding, Child protection lady at council, SS and Ofsted. I have written on the top of the letter who will be receiving so people know who to contact because it appears some agencies have a hard time linking things together! If i get to speak to an EWO I will get their email address so I can send it to them too.

I have closed the letter saying that I am eagerly awaiting meeting with HT on the first morning of term to look at their written plan of how the school will be ensuring my DD is not the subject of unwanted and inappropriate sexualised behaviour.

The poster who asked if I had thought longer term. No I haven't. I am reluctant to change schools as I have had no concerns other than this and outside of this problem both my DD and DS are very happy there. I am hopeful that the involvement of other outside agencies will help the HT see he is a twat and resolve the situation by ensuring adequate safeguarding policies are in place and followed. He was only appointed last September and I never had any reason before to see him and he seemed ok.

I am self employed and work a large amount of time at home so if needs must DD will be able to stay at home and complete work from school at home, as January is rather a quiet month for me. Not ideal i know but hopefully the school will get on top of thing quickly now.

Thanks for everyone who helped me order my thoughts, I would not have thought to contact the number of outsiders that I have with out the suggestions and would not have thought to ask for a written plan of what they intend to do- which I think is a great idea. Hopefully the contacting of outside agencies will help sort out this situation quickly for all children affected.

Had a nice Christmas lunch out with DD today, she has been mostly ok, got a bit quiet when we had to go and pick up DS, she still does not want to go in to school. I am hoping the holidays will be a good break for her. DS lost some of his play time, the message got across that he was not to write a letter to the boy- he sharpened colouring pencils for 10 mins!! He had a good day and is fine.

[MissMarplesBloomers]

Well done OP, gobsmacked at the HT's lack of spine!

Hope you get some response to your letters. to you all.

[Gileswithachainsaw]

Well done op

And good for your Ds for not writing the letter. And for being very grown up and accepting loosing break which was also very unfair! He's a credit to you!!

[BarbarianMum]

I'm not very good at the philosophical stuff.

What I'm trying to say is that I think that the behavior of 5 year olds should be judged as the behaviour of 5 year olds, not viewed through the prism of adult experience. I do agree that if children (both genders) are not taught to respect their boundaries and those of others then that leads to bigger and more insidious problems as they get older (and yes women tend to come off worse).

I would be a lot less sympathetic to this boy if he were 10. If he were more than 10 I'd suggest the OP involve the police.

I have no sympathy towards the Head, or the attitude of staff who tell the OP's daughter to avoid him.

Actually have quite a lot of sympathy towards the OP's son. I wouldn't mind the letter writing if he included a clear explanation of why he intervened and why the other boy was also in the wrong. I once punched a girl who hurt my little brother and I can now see why this wasn't the best thing I could have done in the circumstances and why the school couldn't overlook her black eye (my apology at the time was dragged out of me, I can tell you).

[Tapiocapearl]

Well done you!!!

[Timeforabiscuit]

I hope you and your family can have a lovely Christmas, you have done absolutely everything you can - the head should get some pointers now on what he should actually be doing and put some proper interventions in place.

[asmallandnoisymonkey]

So glad to read your updates. It sounds like you have everything in hand in a most spectacular way and I am really pleased to hear it!

I hope everything gets sorted out to your satisfaction, just keep on writing letters until it gets dealt with. In my experience the child protection people are very much wanting to do a good job for all concerned (at least my FiL does) and should prove a good person to have involved.

I hope you all have a really lovely Christmas!

[TwerkywithalltheTwimmings]

Glad to hear it hamster
Best of luck and hope it all works out in the end.
Happy peaceful Christmas to you all

[TwerkywithalltheTwimmings]

heartbrokenmum that is just awful - I am so glad that at least in your case the HT responded effectively.
I have a DD of almost 6 (yr1) and I don't even want to imagine anything like that happening to her. Your poor baby
You sound like a very reasonable and kind person though - to be concerned for the child perpetrators - I agree with you, but I must admit it made me skin crawl to read they were only 6...tragic.
I hope your DD has managed to put this behind her and happy Christmas to you and your family

[poppy1973]

Hi, just been reading this thread.

The HT sounds like a real drip, obviously afraid to make a stand against the other family involved. Unfortunately some HT's like to bury their heads in the sand and pretend nothing is happening in their school rather than deal with the issues.

Apart from what you have done, you should also email the Chair of Governors as well with the information - they need to be included as they can also tell the HT what they should be doing.

The schools knows what is happening and the HT rightly should be dealing with the boy and the boys family. It is making your daughter uncomfortable and unhappy.

The child involved should be taken out of the situation i.e. if this is happening at break/lunch times then the child should be removed to a different area of the playground. If this happened in my partners school then the child would be sent to the HT office to be spoken to, if it continued to happen then the parents of the child would be invited into a meeting with the HT. If this didn't resolve the situation then the HT would have to decide what they should do with the situation.

Hope things get sorted soon for you and your daughter.

My eldest child would have done exactly the same if this had happened to their little sister too.

[AnyBagsofOxfordFuckers]

Great stuff, OP, I hope things resolve for your DD as soon as poss, and I also hope the little boy gets some attention, as I feel that his behaviour must stem from some sort of issue at home.

Barbarian, I wasn't holding the boy up to adult standards, or saying that he behaviour mirrored adult male bad behaviour, I was talking about how things like this being handled badly by adults when people are children is what can lead them to have problems with boundaries and how people treat them when they become adults.

[poppy1973]

My eldest child would have done exactly the same if this had happened to their little sister too.

Hope your son didn't get into too much trouble pushing the boy back. Was he made to write the 'sorry letter' ? or was the punishment of just staying in enough.

Big brothers will often look after their younger siblings in school, and if this other boy was harras
sing your daughter, I don't blame the older brother for looking after his sister !! It is such a shame that the school didn't do anything !!!

[NorthernLebkuchen]

Bravo OP - a very sensible and comprehensive response from you that seeks to protect and help ALL the kids involved. You've done well.

[DoubleLifeIsALifeOfSorts]

I know the most wonderful lady who I am proud to call a friend, and she gave me some truly practical advice:

When you meet someone who's only wish is to take the course of least resistance, don't get upset about it, just apply the right amount of pressure to ensure your way is not that course.

It really helped me to stop engaging in trying to reason with some people, or get people to do 'the right thing', as it never seemed to work anyway. I see it as trying to change the course of a huge and fast flowing river, it's about making your way the easiest way for the water to flow. Cynical, maybe a little, but very helpful!

and it seems like you are doing exactly that, letting your dd get terrorised and a boy stay unprotected in a lotentially sbusive situation... Well you are making thathens less easy course of action. Well done.

[pigletmania]

Good op, your spot on! I hope you get te results tat you need, unfortunately not everyone I as with it as you!

[GingerbreadGillian]

OP I hope this works out for your DD, I would be so furious with the school in your situation that I doubt I would handle it as well as you have.

You should be so proud of your son, well done to him for looking after your DD. I know that pushing and shoving is the wrong, but in some circumstances the wrong thing is the right thing. He saw his sister being hurt and acted.

When I was in infant school I was bullied and the teachers did nothing, my parents complained and wrote letters and met with the head but they still did nothing. One day my brother saw me being hit and pushed, crying in the infants playground. He saw the dinner ladies doing nothing to stop it so he hopped over the fence dividing the infants from the juniors yards and walloped my bully. I love my big brother

[Defnotsupergirl]

In my reception year in 1980 I had a boy that would continually bother me like this, holding me down trying to kiss me and trying to touch me, stroking my hair, telling me I looked like an angel and stopping other children from playing with me. Yes, he was only 5 too but I was a very small 5 year old so he could hang on to me just about as much as he wanted. I complained to Mum who complained to the school. Back then the school treated it as a bit of a joke I think, or something cute.
Even now I can only tolerate my DH hugging me, get claustrophobic if anyone enters my space even with the best of intentions. I panic if I'm in a situation where people are all around me and used to have bad dreams about being held down until I was a teenager. I suppose most people would consider me standoffish because I back away if someone comes too close.
Give your DS a pat on the back OP, it isn't nice being held captive like that and feeling powerless while someone gets off on your discomfort no matter what age you and they are. He saw his DS in need and went to help her, just point out that first port of call is to check if there is an adult to sort it out if not, then his DS is being attacked and it warrants immediate action.
Give the school hell for not protecting your DD properly. These things can be far reaching.

[ToffeeOwnsTheSausage]

OP Perfecting parenting in action here.

To those of you minimising what is happening to the OP's daughter you clearly have been very fortunate in your life never to have been assaulted as a child or had any experience of knowing someone who has. Things like that stay with you forever.

The OP's daughter has been assaulted. The fact it is by a 5 year old does not make it any better.

The 5 year old boy is clearly not being parented sufficiently.

The head teacher is a twat and a spineless one at that who is clearly intimidated by the parents.

1 in 20 people will be sexually assaulted as a child or young teen/adult. That is far too high and people need to fight against all the shit going on in the world which allows a person to assault another without caring or knowing it is wrong. Teenagers are assaulting small children, it is all too horrific for words.

[PointyChristmasFairyWand]

Perfectly put, toffee.

[hackneybird]

When I was in junior school some boys into class held me gown and tried to pull down my knickers. I was horrified and upset and ran to tell the teacher. He said I'd been egging them on.

I was only about 9. What did I know about 'egging boys on?'. They were just boys in my class that I played 'It' with in the playground sometimes. I never mentioned it again or to anyone else, but I've never forgotten it.

That teacher is the Headmaster at the school now.

[hackneybird]

'boys in my class'.

[NadiaWadia]

That's awful, hackney. Did you tell your parents?

[Pimpf]

Well done op, don't let them sweep it under the carpet. As has been said before, they were quite happy to quickly punish your son, but not the other boy, who is the real problem here.

They could very easily have put a stop to this weeks ago but chose to ignore it.

[GrumpyRedhead]

Just wanted to add my voice to the choir of people saying well done, OP!

If I had been in your position, I would've gone into that meeting with the HT, got so angry I cried, then forgot 90% of what I had wanted to say! So well done :)