To be really angry with the school and be considering not sending my DCs in for the last 2 days?

[littlewhitehamster]

I have 2 DC, DS who is 8 and in year 3 and DD who is 5 and in year 1.

A new boy started the school about 2 weeks after half term and is in my DDs class. 3 weeks ago my DD said that this boy was 'not being nice to her' when I asked what was going on she said that for the last couple of days he had been saying to her she was his girlfriend and she must play with him and not play with any other boys, apparently DD said she told him she didn't want to be his girlfriend and she just played with her friends as normal resulting in this boy pulling on her hair.

I sent a not in the next day via the office for the class teacher (not very easy to grab a word in the morning) expressing my concern and asked if she could possibly keep an eye out for anything and have a word with the boy in question if needed. At the end of the day when I sent the note in the teacher spoke to me and said that she had not seen anything but assured me she would keep an eye out, she also told my DD to speak to her if anything happened.

Everything was quiet until about 10-12 days ago when again DD told me she was starting to have the same sort of problems with this boy, she had told the class teacher and he had stopped bothering her in class but started bothering her at break and lunch times, insisting she was his girlfriend, lifting her skirt up, kissing her on the cheek. I saw the teacher and the head they assured that staff on playground duty would be made aware and that the boy would be spoken to.

A few days pass with no problem and then yesterday the boy tried to kiss my DD again, she ran away from him and told the playground staff, he left her alone until the whistle was blown, while running to line up DD said he caught her and held her in a hug so she couldn't get away so her could kiss her. I didn't find out until this last night so went and saw the head this morning, was assured that closer observation would be made and the boys mum would be spoken to (not that she strikes me as the kind who would give a shit).

Tonight my DD came out of class and looked upset I asked if she was OK and she started to cry and saying something about this boy at lunch but I couldn't understand through the crying. I said we would find her brother and speak to the teacher/head. My DS came out of his class looking equally upset and when I asked what was wrong her cried too saying he has to stay in at lunch tomorrow.

It turns out that at lunch today this boy was again holding on to my DD and kissing her, when she got away she told the playground staff and was told to try and stay away from him, she tried to stay out of his way but he started to chase her and she again told the playground staff who asked her to point him out and they said go and play we will speak to him (not sure if they did of didn't speak to him). He then chased and caught her with his arms around her and kissed her on the check and then still holding her tried to kiss her lips, at this point my DS saw, ran over and pushed the boy- he fell and grazed his hand. DS took DD to play with him for the few remaining minutes of lunch.

The boy must have informed the playground staff as he now has to miss 15 mins of lunch tomorrow, sit in the class room and write a sorry letter to the boy in question. I told his teacher he would most certainly not be writing a sorry letter to this boy and went to the head, who was busy but will see me in the morning.

I am so angry at the schools failure to deal with this situation and punishing my DS for stopping that the staff should have stopped. I don't want to send my DC in for the last 2 days of term, especially if my DS is going to have to write a sorry letter and this other boy gets away with no punishment for distressing my DD over several weeks.

I have spoken with the head about this before and nothing appears to have been done.. who can I go to to make it stop??

If this is kiss chase, then what the hell is actual harassment?!

Of course it's not a game. A game is fun.

I'm furious that the school have minimised this. When I was five, a boy pulled my pants down in the playground. I plucked up the courage to tell DM, who did nothing. This attitude of "it's just playing" led me to keep quiet about abuse I later went through. Decades later, it scars me.

It's not a bloody game.

magic

Everyone has said that the boy has seen things that he shouldn't and that he needs help too.

However his problems do not undo the fact that the poor girl is traumatised. Let the head and the parents deal with the boy and op will fight for her children. And no, "a word" is not fucking good enough in this instance. Not at all!!

Please write down dates that you / your dd reported this behaviour - including the time the head was "too busy" to see you. (Am wondering exactly what was more important!)

Then go into the school and ask the head what your ds should have done. I'm guessing the answer will be "tell an adult". At which point you can bring out your list and say " here is a list of 17 times we have told an adult about dd being harassed. Would you say that this has been effective in preventing further harassment? In which case - what effective options did my ds have to prevent the harassment of his sister?"

Google "reasonable force to prevent assault uk". If your dd and ds were adults then your ds appears to be within the law (in my completely non expert opinion.)

This is dreadful! I'm the school are being so rubbish.

Agree with candy that they are failing in their duty of care to both your DD and the other boy.

gileswithachsinsaw totally agree and good posts.

Your DS should not be punished at all. He was defending his sister, who was being assaulted. I believe that (at any age) it's ok to use reasonable physical force to stop a physical assault. As others have said, it would have taken time to find an adult and there was no guarantee they'd deal with it appropriately anyway- based on past performance.

If he had pushed the child afterwards because he was angry, that would be entirely different and should (imo) be punished. The lesson I'd want to teach is- intervene where necessary to defend yourself/someone else, but once the assault has finished, let the appropriate authorities deal with it.

when we can't possibly know the whole story nor the motivations behind this "harassment".

You are so wrong to approach this topic in this way.

The school can (and should) tackle the obvious problem of a 5 year old behaving this way - but not in a way that minimises the abuse to the other child.

The other child deserves not to be subject to harassment, to be protected from it, no matter what.

She is also only 5 years old.

Magic the school is not dealing with it properly, it seems as though the boy has issues that need addressing, what are the school doing to help this boy. Yes it is harassment, whether it's a 5 year od, or 15 year old. The boy is doing this regularly, and targeting secufically op dd.

Wow so many replies.

Firstly this is definitely not kiss chase, this is not a game by a group of children, this is only 2 children one of whom has made it clear they do not like the actions of the other. Kiss chase does not involve telling someone that your are their girlfriend, you are not allowed to play with other boys and the pulling hair should you refuse.

One mum who I am friendly with (my DS and her DS are friends) text me to see if we were ok as her DS had told her what had happened as DS took DD to play with them both after the incident. She has a DD in reception where there is also a DD of this family... I know this is hearsay but apparently the reception DD of this family called another child a fucking minger when she had a coldsore .

They apparently moved to this side of town due to overcrowding of their council/HA house hence starting a new school at that time. there is also an aprox 3yo and a young toddler aprox 18months and mum is pregnant.
Apparently the man enjoys a drink and has smelt of beer when he has been to collect children a few times.

This mum is on holiday for xmas now and said she will watch my DC while I speak to the head or come with me. I have taken her up on her offer to watch the DC as I need to speak alone with the head first.

Sorry to everyone who has experienced things similar to this in the past themselves or have had problems with stopping bullying with their DC. It sometimes feels like even though I have reported the problems no one is really taking it seriously... until the one causing the problems got hurt. Why is that so often the way??

Your op makes me feel really uneasy as it reminds me of what my dd has been through his year. Very very similar except she is 7yo, another boy in her year harassed her constantly, tried to kiss her etc, would sit on her and pin her down. I spoke to teacher - nothing much happened.

Then it escalated to him backing her into a corner, threatening her with a stick and telling her to pull her trousers down

I obv went in and demanded to speak to the head and at this point things seemed to happen. The boy was dealt with, I think ss were involved, he was not allowed in the same section of playground as my dd and my dd was supported.

It was extremely traumatic for us both and reading your op frightens me as it sounds so similar. If things aren't sorted out now - it will escalate.

Your son has done nothing wrong and I would be proud of him. One of my brothers did something similar for me when we were kids

magicbiscuits?
magictroll, more like

"One mum who I am friendly with (my DS and her DS are friends) text me to see if we were ok as her DS had told her what had happened as DS took DD to play with them both after the incident. She has a DD in reception where there is also a DD of this family... I know this is hearsay but apparently the reception DD of this family called another child a fucking minger when she had a coldsore shock.

They apparently moved to this side of town due to overcrowding of their council/HA house hence starting a new school at that time. there is also an aprox 3yo and a young toddler aprox 18months and mum is pregnant.
Apparently the man enjoys a drink and has smelt of beer when he has been to collect children a few times."

Relevance?!?!

BTW, the first paragraph is almost unreadable due to your liberal use of DD and DS.

Posting this kind of poisonous gossip on such a public forum does you absolutely no favours by the way.

HMOD - slightly harsh but understand your point.

Its easy to stereotype but your concern needs to be your dd. Leave the school to deal with the family.

You are of course right hmod the mother should be able to keep her emotion about the rest of the family out of the equation however I think being only human it would be very difficult.

I did say that what I had written was hearsay, I apply that to all of that.
People had said why had the boy started a new school at that point in the year plus if it had been noted the father could possibly have a problem with drink then maybe some form of additional support is being provided which may make it appear nothing is being done but something could be being investigated.

Dear x,

I'm sorry if I hurt you when you attacked my sister. Pushing and grabbing are wrong.

I should have got a teacher to tell you off for your bad behaviour instead. I won't push you again as I know that you won't attack my sister again.

HMOD Generally I agree with you but none of us are at our best when our children have been hurt. If she was going round his house and spraypainting their front door then that would be disproportionate. A bit of a bitch on the Internet....... Not so bad.

Unfortunately it seems this type of issue is so common that it is highly unlikely to be identifiable.

to be honest I don't know why you were in the playground the next day to knock this little shits head off - I certainly would have been. your DS deserves a medal for sticking up for is sister. tell your dd if he comes near her again she has to kick him in the bollocks and to only stop when hes crying.

I would phone the police and report the sexual harassment - then I would write to the local papers about the incident and drum up a bit of support then I would write to the governers of the school then put it in on the schools facebook page asking why they haven't dealt with it then I would speak to head once shes had all the other shit ive caused to deal with - take it lying down? not fucking likely.

im dreading my DD going to school and anything like this happening - I would end up in jail because I would just see red and not care about red tape and what you should/shouldn't do - children should be safe at school end of!

HMOD= I understand your point but assume OP was posting more info in repky to poster upthread who pondered why the boy had left his old school and suggesting asking around.

I would suggest if pushed your ds write something more along the lines of "I'm sorry your hand was hurt when I removed you from my sister." Hopefully after meeting with the Head it will become a none issue.

HMOD - Op is likely to be very upset at the treatment of her dd by both the boy and the school.

In these situations it is only human to try to find reasons why someone is acting as they are.

SatisfiedOtter - are you the poster previously known as GentleOtter? If so, I think you're wonderful Whether you are or no, I'm so sorry that happened to you. Various similar things happened to me (and many of my friends) at school. I watch my 5yr old dd like a hawk to ensure nothing like this ever happens to her.

Yanbu for being angry, I feel angry on you behalf.

However, I would not keep your dc away from school a they haven't done anything wrong. I think they would be 'punished' (as in their routine would be disrupted) if they 'had to' stay at home rather than going to class, learning and playing with their friends.

However, not a king's army could keep me from having serious words with the ht first thing tomorrow and definitely before the xmas break. you dont want this hanging over you unresolved during the holidays.

I second that writing a letter dating and describing all the incidents is required. Send it to the ht, governors, and ofsted as someone already advised upthread.

Not sure if this has been mentioned but I wonder why the boy started at your dc's school midterm. Did he get expelled from another school for the same behaviour?

I agree with other posters who have questioned what this boy is witnessing/experiencing to make him behave in such a way. It does seem mad to talk about a 5 year old sexually harrassing another child BUT this is what it is albeit not normal behaviour.

My sister teaches 5 year olds and has had several cases over the years where a 5 year old sexually harrasses another child. When they have looked into the reasons behind it everytime it has been because the child has been abused/has watched porn at home. The school really should be investigating this for the sake of all the children involved.

peggyundercrackers

Shame on you - your post made me feel sick.

The child is not "a little shit."
He is 5 years old.
FIVE.
She cannot "kick him in the bollocks" because he hasn't got any.
You know why?
Because he is five fucking years old and may well be a victim of sexual abuse himself.