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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be negative about choosing single parenthood?

216 replies

Dixy30 · 15/12/2013 21:47

Hello

Think I am here.

Saw a good friend today who has another friend I know pretty well for about 10yr but am not an independent friend of and lives elsewhere.

Anyway this friend is 30 brought up by single mum & has hada douche boyfriend who already has other kids for a few years.

He always said u get pregnant, i end it and u never see me again.

So friend is now pregnant (was an accident not sure of details)& he is true to his word and gone. She is saying this may be last chance at parenthood (she is 30) and will live with her mum who will help.

I would never say this to the actual woman but I was very negative when I heard this. About the man too. This person is going to have such a tough time doing it alone I just feel so sorry for her eg will get virtually no maternity leave, is totally reliable on her mum etc.

What would other people do? I don't think I would have been able to have a relationship with this man from day 1 given his attitude.

Hmm
OP posts:
Mumoftwoyoungkids · 15/12/2013 21:54

Why won't she get any maternity leave? Are you not in the Uk?

But anyway - agree he doesn't sound like a prize catch! Did she not want kids originally? Or was she hoping to change his mind?

MidniteScribbler · 15/12/2013 21:54

I don't agree with getting pregnant to a random who will have no part in the child's life, but I'm a single parent by choice and my son was conceived by ID release donor. Quite frankly, I don't care what people think about his method of conception. He's here, he's the best thing I've done in my life. It's hard work, but it's absolutely worth it.

PollyIndia · 15/12/2013 21:58

I got pregnant by an ex - contraception failure. He didn't want to be involved so I have done it on my own. It has been wonderful - some hard times, but having a baby is hard work whatever your set up. My baby is now 14 months so I am past the sleepless nights etc and I get to go out a few times a week and have a social life. I also only had 2 months off but was lucky enough to be able to go back to work for 2 days a week for 6 months before upping it to 3.
No point saying she shouldn't have got involved with him. She did and is now pregnant, so she has to deal with where she is. Is she financially independent? I am, and that has helped. My ex doesn't contribute but i Wouldn't want him to if he wasn't going to be an active part of my son's life.

WaffilyVersatile · 15/12/2013 22:01

What is important is that a child feels safe and loved. It doesn't matter who makes that happen or how many people it takes..

She is 30, she is right.. this could be her last chance. She will make it work I am sure and anyway how is this less wise than 2 people having a baby without the clarity she seems to have?

Original poster
Dixy30 · 15/12/2013 22:02

She is in uk.

Has an average pay job but in London so doesn't go far.

Thanks for opinions just wondered what others would have thought /said. Mutual friend is childless and agreed with my feelings of sadness for friend doing all the relentless stuff mainly alone etc. But apparently she never expected a man to be involved given her own childhood. Dad won't be on birth cert or involved at all.

OP posts:
brettgirl2 · 15/12/2013 22:03

To say it is her last chance of parenthood at 30 is a touch melodramatic. That said if she wants to keep the baby then I'm sure she'll be a great mum. Agree the bloke doesn't sound much of a catch but its a bit late to debate that now?

FudgefaceMcZ · 15/12/2013 22:03

Yes, YABU. Also it's a bit bizarre to be against getting pregnant naturally with someone you don't know well but not against getting pregnant with someone you don't know at all via insemination ffs. The end effect is the same, only the mechanics are different.

Original poster
Dixy30 · 15/12/2013 22:05

I also just wondered whether people would likewise agree that at 30 could
Be one of last chances.

Most other people I know early 30s these days seems to think the deadline is by 40 and a lot aren't planning on starting trying until 35 - bit risky!!

OP posts:
RedLondonBus · 15/12/2013 22:05

I'm a lone parent op

And it's fine.... Honestly yab so so so U!!

LRDtheFeministDragon · 15/12/2013 22:05

You never know the inside of someone else's relationship.

Maybe she was happy with the idea that he didn't want a child and she did. If he's happy too, seems fair enough. Or maybe she didn't believe he'd actually leave and is making the best of it.

Does it matter? Plenty of people who chose single parenthood a damn sight more actively than that do a great job.

MamaPingu · 15/12/2013 22:05

Personally I don't find being a single parent to one child that difficult (multiple children will be significantly harder), I find it a lot easier than when DP was around.
So good for her I think Smile

I love being a mum and everyone should get that opportunity to be a parent if they wish to because it's wonderful.
There's no need for her to regret this IMO or feel she should have an abortion. If she's the right type of person she'll thrive as a single mum as I have

Starshaker · 15/12/2013 22:06

I fell pregnant and the father wasnt interested. I had a 4 year old at the time and it turned out i was pregnant with twins. I kept them, it was my choice, i was judged like hell but i have 3 beautiful children now who are happy, healthy and most importantly, loved.

If im honest the twins have had less disappointment and upheaval than my oldest has.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 15/12/2013 22:07

Cross post.

You also don't know, I would imagine, why she thinks 30 might be her last chance. There's no point canvassing us to see if we agree.

If she's someone who's had a string of miscarriages, who has been told by her doctor she might not conceive, etc. etc., then it could well be it's the last chance for her. Or it could simply be she feels emotionally that this is the time.

Focussing on that just seems odd to me - as if you think you ought to be able to reason her out of having a baby she obviously wants.

MamaPingu · 15/12/2013 22:08

I also don't find any part of being a mum "relentless" it's all a pleasure and there's nothing more satisfying than caring for my son and getting into bed knowing he's warm, fed, changed and happy!
I hope she enjoys it just as much as I do Smile

MidniteScribbler · 15/12/2013 22:09

Actually it's not Fudgeface. My DS was conceived by ID release donor. At 18, he can access his records and make contact with his donor should he choose to. We've also met his half sibling that was conceived by the same donor. That child's mother has made contact with the donor and he is willing to be contacted before the children turn 18 if they have questions.

Deliberately conceiving via a one night stand or with a man that is ot interested in having any part in their lives is a different matter. The child will grow up with questions and will have to deal with the fact that the parent wants no part of their lives. That parent may flit in and out of their life, there may be custody issues, and arguments.

Original poster
Dixy30 · 15/12/2013 22:09

Thanks for feedback think I am BU.

Think I was surprised someone would set out being ok with single parenthood while already in a relationship? Any other types of donor situation are always clear of no man from the start so it's never an option.

OP posts:
TheBigJessie · 15/12/2013 22:27

I'm glad she's feeling positive about the pregnancy and I wish her and her child a happy life from the bottom of my heart.

Sure, I doubt I'd have dated such a douchebag in the first place, but it's not like she's got a time machine to go back ten years and find someone nicer, is it? So not much point being negative about that.

And she could well be right about this being her last chance for a baby. Fertility is a lottery. Bother for those who want a baby and those who don't. If she wanted children all along, she has got a winning ticket right now. If she chose to terminate (which I'm getting the impression you think she should) she could get another winning ticket, another two tickets. Maybe three. Or maybe none. There are women who have remained highly fertile through their thirties. There are also those who didn't.

Besides, I believe every abortion should be either a wanted abortion or a medically necessary one. I can't abide this trend for some people to see abortion as women's duty to save men from parental responsibility.

EmmelineGoulden · 15/12/2013 22:36

I grew up in a one parent family and would never choose it myself. You don't get the support you would in a stable two parent family with two good parents who love you and each other. My mother was brilliant and worked her socks off for us, but at the end of the day my dad just wasn't there for us and that's half a parenting team MIA. A single parent can't make up for that completely. There are many good reasons why families end up with one parent, but I don't think it is a wise choice to make when you don't have to. It doesn't set children up with the best foundation.

But we all make mistakes. Your friend didn't intend to get pregnant. By choose you mean that she does not intend to have an abortion. And I don't think that's a choice you should try to apply any kind of pressure around. Obviously your friend is pregnant now, so it's too late to go on about it. There's nothing really to say, only support to offer.

FreudiansSlipper · 15/12/2013 22:58

Is she choosing single parenthood or is he walking away from his responsibilities

ds is a very happy content child. I have been on my own from day 1 he may grow up angry with both his dad and me or he may grow up being ok with us not being together. At the moment it works ok, I want better for ds from his dad but they have a good relationship and ds is happy who knows. I work with plenty of people who have had a perfect upbringing and they are not happy but can not understand why

most do the best they can that is all you can do and it can and often does work out fine but there are no guarantees in any situation, humans are complex and having a happy loving home is not always enough

Ninasaurus · 15/12/2013 23:06

She is not really a typical single parent if she is living with her dm who will support them both.

I understand her feelings about being 30 and it being her last chance for dc.

AskBasilAboutCranberrySauce · 15/12/2013 23:17

Yes YABU.

The research shows that if you take income out of the equation, the children of single parents have exactly the same outcomes as those of coupled parents.

The thing that makes it more likely that the children of single parents won't do as well as those of coupled parents, is poverty. And if the single parent in question has a degree, even poverty doesn't impact on the outcomes.

So your friend's child has exactly the same chances of success or failure in life, than that of the child of the same socio-economic status with coupled parents. If your friend is poverty stricken, her kid has a statistical probability of negative outcomes - but s/he'd have that with a father in house. If your friend is rich, her kid has a statistical probability of good outcomes; again, the same as if his/her father lived with him/ her.

Given that the father in this case is a stinker, chances are that this child has a better probability of good outcomes, than if his/ her father lived with them role-modelling crap behaviour.

Original poster
Dixy30 · 16/12/2013 09:17

What interesting research.

I think the Crux of my particular issue (not that it matters that much) is my friend doing everything alone .. Child illness, she might get a terrible sleeper, health problems etc.. Obviously is such a gamble .

But then again often partners / husbands don't do 50% and have other issues so know who's what is best

OP posts:
EmmelineGoulden · 16/12/2013 09:23

AskBasil the OP's firend isn't choosing between single parenthood and parenthood with a loser father. He's already gone. The only choice the OP's friend has within the context of "choosing" to be a single parent is whether or not to keep the child. If she keeps the child she is statistically more likely to live in poverty than if she had a child within a happy partnership or if she didnt have children at all.

Yellowcake · 16/12/2013 09:32

A good friend of mine adopted as a single person. When I had my son and was finding things terribly hard, despite my DH sharing all duties, I expressed my baffled admiration that she had managed alone, with a Chinese baby just handed to her in a hotel lobby. She shrugged and said that she had entered into it clear-headedly, because it was her only chance of having a child, and that there was no resentment etc, because she had always known she would be solo parenting.

Damnautocorrect · 16/12/2013 09:42

I understand her feelings at 30, she's probably of the mindset that baby is a baby already (I know when I fell I felt like that) and if she wants one one day than why not this one?
It sounds like her mum was a great role model and did a great job. I'm sure her mums gone through the true hardship. But baby will have two supporting loving adults in its life, what's to feel sad about?