To be negative about choosing single parenthood?

[Dixy30]

Hello

Think I am here.

Saw a good friend today who has another friend I know pretty well for about 10yr but am not an independent friend of and lives elsewhere.

Anyway this friend is 30 brought up by single mum & has hada douche boyfriend who already has other kids for a few years.

He always said u get pregnant, i end it and u never see me again.

So friend is now pregnant (was an accident not sure of details)& he is true to his word and gone. She is saying this may be last chance at parenthood (she is 30) and will live with her mum who will help.

I would never say this to the actual woman but I was very negative when I heard this. About the man too. This person is going to have such a tough time doing it alone I just feel so sorry for her eg will get virtually no maternity leave, is totally reliable on her mum etc.

What would other people do? I don't think I would have been able to have a relationship with this man from day 1 given his attitude.

We're not in North America, we're in the UK - completely different situation

In what ways is it 'completely' different. The UK is comparative to America in many ways.

You're inferring that any family setup that doesn't include a Dad is therefore abnormal.

It is Last I knew, sperm was required to create children.

Men actually experience a hormonal shift similar to women during pregnancy and postnatally which fine-tunes their fathering skills. Trufax. It's NORMAL.

I'm a single parent (not by choice) and my children are quite happy, thanks.

Hope you know, we're discussing single parenthood by choice on this thread. I am in no way saying single mothers who have been left by a man are bad parents.

But if we're just discussing parents who are single by choice (and actually, not everyone is discussing just that) then why are making statements such as:

Data shows that married bio mum and dad is the best setup for a child.

So many parents on this thread (and this site) have acknowledged that regardless of what data says, married biological parents is patently not always the best setup for a child.

Data is not conclusive - there will always be arguments for and against. You can't just say 'well, data says, therefore I'm right and your setup is wrong and you are being a bad Mum'. If someone is going to be a shit Dad (and some men are shit Dad's, just as some women are shit Mums, regardless of hormones) from the off, why shouldn't a woman decide to do it alone?

Who on earth are you to criticize someone else's setup? How does it affect you?

Or do you just like shit-stirring on threads because I've noticed you do that a lot?

Because being a single parent by choice means you have viewed fathers as worthless and dispensable from the start - which is a very selfish (and highly presumptive) POV.

^We're not in North America, we're in the UK - completely different situation

In what ways is it 'completely' different. The UK is comparative to America in many ways^.

That is a quite ridiculous statement to make. With regards to social issues, North America is as far away from the UK as is Ethiopia ... no benefits structure, no medical cover for the poor, abysmally poor education for the poor, ditto housing, gang culture rife, riddled with religious extremists with all sorts of bonkers beliefs ... [I could go on and on]

^You're inferring that any family setup that doesn't include a Dad is therefore abnormal.

It is hmm Last I knew, sperm was required to create children. ^

To create children, yes, but not to raise them. Our modern concept of the nuclear family is actually very recent in historical terms; pretty much a Victorian construct, in fact.

You are making very sweeping assertions with no apparent factual back-up.

But some fathers are 'worthless and dispensable'. Someone may be fine to have a relationship with, but be a shit Dad.

Why should a woman either a) have an abortion or b) bring up a child with a shit Dad, who actually brings stress/abuse to the relationship, rather than make the decision to raise the child alone, just because people like you think everyone 'needs' a man in their dc's life, and it has to be their biological father?

No Dad is better than a shit one, surely?

Where's your factual back-up for your sweeping assumptions maparole?

Here's a BRITISH study to back up my 'most fathers aren't twats' statement:

According to a 2007 Equal Opportunities Commission study, "mothers recorded an average of 2 hours 32 minutes per day looking after their own children, compared with 2 hours 16 minutes by fathers" Source

Here's some more on the importance of fathers:

"Toddlers with involved fathers go on to start school with higher levels of academic readiness. They are more patient and can handle the stresses and frustrations associated with schooling more readily than children with less involved fathers".Source

"Children who are brought up with their fathers are more likely to have good physical and emotional health, to achieve academically, and to avoid drugs, violence, and delinquency" Source

A BRITISH Government report has declared:

"Fathers play an extremely important role in their children’s lives and a plethora of research indicates that father involvement is significantly related to positive child outcomes. A father’s interest in a child’s schooling is strongly linked to educational outcomes for the child. Fathers who devote time to their sons are giving them a greater chance to grow up as confident adults. Boys who feel that their fathers devote time, especially to talk to them about their worries, school work and social lives, almost all emerge as motivated and optimistic men. Father involvement in children’s education at age 7 predicts higher educational attainment by age 20 in both boys and girls" <a class="break-all" href="http://webarchive.nationalarchives.gov.uk/20130401151715/www.education.gov.uk/publications/eOrderingDownload/DCSF-Parental_Involvement.pdf" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Source

More:

"Fathers have a larger influence on their children’s self-esteem at school age than do mothers" Source

"Adolescents of both sexes from fatherless families engage in greater and earlier sexual activity" Source

"Children of lone parents are twice as likely to have mental health problems" Source

"Children of lone parents are twice as likely to smoke, drink heavily or take drugs" Source

Low father involvement with adolescents is associated with emotional over-control, depression, anxiety and low self-esteem Source

"Women have better relationships with partners and a greater sense of mental and physical well-being at the age of 33 if they had a good relationship with their father at 16" Source

Let me know if you need any more. I've got shitloads.

Your turn.

Good points of single parenting - no resentment. You know there's no one else to do it so you get on and do it yourself, and u

Sorry, posted too soon.
You don't get the resentment of the other person not pulling their weight with night feeds/housework.
You also don't have to answer to anyone regarding your parenting, so if the baby's crying at 3 am and you bring them into bed to sleep you don't have someone moaning at u

Gosh, wombles. Anyone would think you were an MRA someone with an agenda

Yes, good fathers can, I'm sure, add a lot to a child's life. In the same way that any positive adult influence is a good thing. I don't think anyone is debating that are they?

Gah! Bloody iPhone. You don't have someone moaning at you about it. Your rod, your back so to speak.
Bad points are obvious to all, it's bloody relentless hard work, you are ill, the bottles still need washing the baby still needs feeding and there's no one else to do it. Likewise if you have been up all night u

My god i

Aaar

Iph

Sor

Where's your factual back-up for your sweeping assumptions maparole?

I haven't made any sweeping assumptions, though, have I? I have merely demonstrated using facts that the 2 statements you made are unfounded in fact.

... and actually, I really don't give a stuff whether some people choose to be single parents, dual parents or live together with 20 others in a free-sex commune, because it is none of my business

Yes, good fathers can, I'm sure, add a lot to a child's life. In the same way that any positive adult influence is a good thing. I don't think anyone is debating that are they?

Children (quite understandably) reach a point where they want to know about their genetic heritage and wonder where their father is. Some here are arguing that denying a child a father from the very start is great 'cause there's no resentment when he wont wash his socks'. What about your kid's resentment at being denied a chance to have a father?? "The children of lone parents are twice as likely to have mental health problems than the children of married couples" (www.telegraph.co.uk/comment/personal-view/3574150/Children-pay-the-price-when-their-parents-dont-marry.html Source).

because it is none of my business

ODFOD. The way we bring up our children has a MASSIVE impact on society. Don't make me have to pull up all the stats on that.

Ruby1080 Do you have any useful contribution to the debate or are you clutching at straws with insults?

You're not actually debating Wombles. You're just hurling insults

Not read the whole thread. Wasn't going to post, but saw womble's claims and started looking at the links.

Infant mortality is substantially higher for children of lone or cohabiting parents than for those of married parents

babies born outside marriage are more likely to have low birth weights, to suffer childhood accidents, and to be at much higher risk of child abuse

The children of lone parents are twice as likely to have mental health problems than the children of married couples.

Barring other factors that has to be a bunch of fetid dingo's kidneys.

For a start the difference between a married couple and a couple living as married is a scrap of paper.

If a child doesn't know his parents are not legally married does he still have a greater chance of having an accident? How does that work exactly.

What happens if a couple get married half way through the pregnancy? Does the baby come out small or does it hear church bells and start putting on weight.

Can a registry office wedding solve the problem or must the fetus actually hear church bells? I ask because that lot sounds like something dreamt up by some catholic pressure group.

As for the 'baby needs a father' thing. I am a man so ought to be biased that way, but to me what it needs is as many involved and caring parents/grandparents/aunts/uncles as are available.

Having a father around (or a mother to be fair) who doesn't care or help is no use at all and often a negative factor.

If the baby is loved then I don't care if the parenting is done by a man, a woman, a man & a woman, two women or two men.