To be negative about choosing single parenthood?

[Dixy30]

Hello

Think I am here.

Saw a good friend today who has another friend I know pretty well for about 10yr but am not an independent friend of and lives elsewhere.

Anyway this friend is 30 brought up by single mum & has hada douche boyfriend who already has other kids for a few years.

He always said u get pregnant, i end it and u never see me again.

So friend is now pregnant (was an accident not sure of details)& he is true to his word and gone. She is saying this may be last chance at parenthood (she is 30) and will live with her mum who will help.

I would never say this to the actual woman but I was very negative when I heard this. About the man too. This person is going to have such a tough time doing it alone I just feel so sorry for her eg will get virtually no maternity leave, is totally reliable on her mum etc.

What would other people do? I don't think I would have been able to have a relationship with this man from day 1 given his attitude.

"and I know this as I had to make the decision to give a baby up for adoption "

Surely your decision wasn't based alone on your being a LP?

How would you of felt if you found out that your child went to a LP foster Carer and then a Single Adult adoptive parent?

I was happily married, then widowed. I am choosing to live as the only adult in my house (I have had one BF who my children met). I am going to stay single. I am thinking of Fostering, I have looked after a relatives baby. I am a support to many people.

I parent better than most of the two parent families that I notice in the immediate area that I live in (rough area of Liverpool).

I think (as I stated earlier on) it is fine to make choices for yourself, but there is no "in general" when it comes to families, enough to influence ending a pregnancy.

You know your circumstances, how you can parent, that is all that matters.

Some if the choices stated, such as having a high flying career, doesn't apply to everyone. Some people will never have the unlimited choices put forward on here.

That doesn't mean that, the woman is living less of a life, or that their children will, it is just different.

We seem to want women to be uber aware of every aspect of parenting, if they want to be a LP, yet we don't insist the same if men or women within relationships.

I could walk round my city easily pointing out people who shouldn't have inflicted themselves, their relationship and their lifestyles on the child that they have produced (for an unknown reason).

I see married women who again for unknown reasons have multiple children, when they seem to hate the lifestyle they have gotten themselves into.

It is nice that the resident patent has back up, that is as much needed as a child having two adults live with them whilst growing up. That support can come from a number of places, it doesn't have to be the other Bio parent.

Yes but not talking about those. Asking a question about the cases where mothers have children knowing no father around and how that impacts the child.

Or are we going to pretend that doesn't matter ?

Wallison ,
Fathers usually have little say whether a baby is born or
Not and on a different thread we could discuss this but this thread is about people choosing lone parenthood and some having donors etc.

Also quick question: Those who have chosen single parenthood.. did you grow up without a father (properly without a father) ?

Fathers usually have little say whether a baby is born

They have every say. There's the choice of condoms, vasectomy or just plain not having sex.

Presumably there are other males around who can provide male role models? I can't stand this "kids need a Dad" bleating. No, they need one or two or more primary care givers who love them and put their needs above ALL else.

It's "society" pushing the marriage and 2.4 kids agenda that tells us that kids need a Dad" and uses it to demonise single mothers and its bullshit.

Presumably did you grow up without a dad ?

Midnite once the lady is pregnant its her choice whether to abort or have it is all im saying. Right now we are talking about the mother choosing to be a single parent and the possible impact.

I grew up with a father. However, he used to hit us, belittle us, force us to do things we didn't want to do and when I was 12 he told me, in response to me saying that something wasn't fair, that life wasn't fair and by way of an example of this did I really think that he wanted to be married with kids. But, hey, I had two parents so that's all great, right?

Like I said who here has grown up without a dad (not one who worked alot or was emotionally absent) but completely without?

Wallison im sorry for your experiences must have been awful.

But that's a different situation.

Being a lone parent is NOT that hard, I am and I have two with autism as well.

It's not easy either but you just get on with it. My children are fabulous and though they see their Dad he does very little actual parenting and NONE of the tough stuff. It's all fun and games with him.

If kids are about not having a "father" around it's because someone had told them they should be. To clarify this is in situations where the father was never involved.

It's not a tragedy or a shame it's just another way of being a family.

I disagree. I think children need a father.
I definitely do not think its anything about being sad because someone told them to be. Thats ridiculous sorry.

Sparkly your not a single parent you are a single woman. Know the difference.

Your partner is still around and sees the children.

Again we are talking about women choosing to have a child without the father around at all.

Why do they need a father?

If a child grows up with his mum and supportive grandparents and uncles, and that is his "normal", why does that child need a father?

My children's father turns up and sees his children for an hour here or there twice a week. He has never had them overnight. He does no parenting, changed about five nappies in his whole life. He brought the money in and there it ended.

I AM a single parent.

The one thing that I'm sure of is that despite choosing to be a single parent and bringing my son up without a father is that he will at least be raised with an open mind and acceptance of others choices.

Unlike some people.

Tell yourself that if it makes yourselves feel better. Some one who grew up with a father yet felt it was the best decision for their child yet refuses to discuss the impact of that choice on their child has no right to take that stance with people who have experienced it and are giving their opinion.

AskBasil's post at 08.37 sums it up perfectly.

Sparkly but difference is your children have a father albeit a poor one so the situation is different to tjose without a father.
I understand your position but dont think it compares.

Your last post is really confusing lights can you clarify? Who are you addressing it to?

To midnight scriber and anyone else who serms to think I don't have an open mind just because they don't want to here what I have to say.

See, this is where you have it wrong. You think that I need to "make myself feel better". I spent years considering going down this path. I spent years trying to conceive my son. I was required to undergo counselling by law before I was able to access donor semen to make sure I had thought through my decision fully and knew what I was undertaking. I feel just fine. More than fine, I feel great. But thanks for your concern.

I don't think I'd have made the same choices (in fact I'm 100% sure I wouldn't!) but she's an adult and presumably knows what she's doing? I don't think she needs you to feel sorry for her particularly, if this is her choice.

Well it's clear that you DON'T have an open mind because you don't discuss the points made just keep repeating that children need fathers. So you are not opening your mind to other points of view or showing any willingness to consider them. The very definition of closed mindedness.

Midnight there you go its all about you. I was asking about the impact on the child.