To be negative about choosing single parenthood?

[Dixy30]

Hello

Think I am here.

Saw a good friend today who has another friend I know pretty well for about 10yr but am not an independent friend of and lives elsewhere.

Anyway this friend is 30 brought up by single mum & has hada douche boyfriend who already has other kids for a few years.

He always said u get pregnant, i end it and u never see me again.

So friend is now pregnant (was an accident not sure of details)& he is true to his word and gone. She is saying this may be last chance at parenthood (she is 30) and will live with her mum who will help.

I would never say this to the actual woman but I was very negative when I heard this. About the man too. This person is going to have such a tough time doing it alone I just feel so sorry for her eg will get virtually no maternity leave, is totally reliable on her mum etc.

What would other people do? I don't think I would have been able to have a relationship with this man from day 1 given his attitude.

'Statistically' means nothing. The friend here is intelligent, employed, has a parent to cover some of the child-care and will presumably get some kind of financial contribution from the father. The penniless lone parent Daily Mail stereotype exists, certainly, but it's a long, long way from universal. Some of us are doing better than OK.

I agree with Cogito. I'm involved with a number of single parent by choice groups and every single one of them is well educated with a degree (obstetrician, psychiatrist, early childhood centre manager, teacher librarian, university lecturer, social worker, lawyer and myself as a teacher doing a PhD are the members of a group I spend most time with). Only one person rents, the others all own their own homes, several have investment properties). These are not women that are struggling with putting food on the table or having a child just for the benefits. Every single person has a plan in place for funding their choices (some have spent over $20k on trying to get pregnant in the first place) and every single one is planning on returning to work. Hardly a group worth people frothing and spluttering about single parents being a drain on society.

Further, imagine how a doctor would react (especially a pro-life one!) to a woman who came in with those grounds.

"Hello doctor, I'm pregnant, and the father isn't going to be around. I really want the baby. I've always wanted children and this could be my last chance. I'm 30 and I can't be certain I'll meet another guy in time. But the internet says I should abort because I'm statistically more likely to end up in poverty if I don't terminate".

In fact, strike that. Never mind a doctor's response, what would your reponse be to a friend? I'd be getting her a cup of tea and sabotaging her wi-fi router so that she could decide what she wanted for herself!

YABU. It's her body, her child, her choice.

A close friend of mine has been a single parent from the day she took a pregnancy test and is a fantastic mother. Sure, she's stressed, but happy that she has her DD and doubt she'd change that for anything.

Who is anybody else to judge?

With childcare and employment she might not remaine a single parent. There is nothing stopping her from going into a new relationship. It's not necessarily the end of the world.

'a new relationship'

Quite a lot of us... and MidniteScribbler's group of educated/affluent single women makes me feel like I'm part of a movement - yay! .... are rejecting the traditional set-up. We're very happy with life on our terms and don't regard independence as the end of the world. Quite the opposite. A new relationship is the furthest thing from our minds.

My life is a whole lot easier than most of my married friends and that's mainly to do with the fact that I only have one child and no partner to consider.

HedgehogsRevenge - From the other points you've mentioned (drunken husbands, arguments, etc.) it also sounds like it has something to do with the fact that your married friends are married to morons. Not all men are.

I pointed out that she was statisically more likely to end up in poverty only in response to AskBasil's assertion that being worried was unreasonable because if you take income out of the equation everything is fine statistically. I was pointing out that you can't simply take income out of the equation, it is linked.

I don't think that means anyone should be telling the OP's friend to have an abortion. Pressuring someone into or out of that decision by painting a picture of doom and gloom or of rainbows and roses is a terrible idea. The OP's friend needs to make her own mind up, and it appears she has. Friens should only offer support.

No, not really. More from the numerous threads I've read on here. Only one of my friends is married to a less than helpful man. My friend who has it the toughest actually has a lovely husband, it's just that with 4 dc he has to work 12 hours a day so she's effectively parenting single handedly. The fact is relationships, even the very healthy ones are hard work and I'm not the sort of person to compromise on how my child is raised.
Very well said cogito, the whole notion that happiness and success is only achievable through having a partner is outdated and quite frankly ridiculous.

Askbasil - that research sounds fascinating. Do you have a link? (I am not being PA! Promise. Just really interested, especially in light of Tories and married ppl's tax incentives etc.)

People always say things to me like, "Oh, it must be really hard being a single parent!" To be honest, it makes me roll my eyes. Why would it be any harder? Raising kids is hard full stop. You could be happily married but end up doing everything yourself anyways if your partner works long hours/is useless. If you are both working parents and your child falls ill, you're still left with that feeling of, "Fuck! I cannot miss work today!" You could both have decent enough jobs and still find yourselves financially in the crapper some months because let's face facts, raising children costs so much money and a lot of people are feeling the pinch right now. Hell, you could end up divorced years down the line and end up raising your kids alone regardless.

There is no perfect family. We don't live in Happily Ever After land. What's "ideal" for one won't be "ideal" for the next. Can I ask why you've reacted negatively towards this OP? Surely this friend should simply be congratulated? She'll likely be tying herself up in knots (as all new parents do) with worry without needing to deal with other people's pity. Don't pity her - be happy for her! Parenthood is a wonderful thing to experience. It's not for any of us to judge her family setup. And balls to statistics. Good luck to the woman! I hope she enjoys every single moment of her little one's precious little life.

I've been a single parent from day one. Do you think I love my daughter any less because I don't have a man in my life? Does not having a partner mean I've worked less hard to ensure my daughter never needs for anything? Have I spent the last 6 years wallowing because it's just so hard and oh woe is me - I'm all alone. Hell no! I've loved and laughed and cried and worried and just enjoyed - just like everybody else. And I wouldn't change a damn minute of it. Life's messy. But guess what? It's the messy that makes it interesting and keeps pushing us all on.

Be a friend and just be there for her as friends should be.

HedgehogsRevenge - thanks for clarifying. Am a bit puzzled as to why you brought those things up if it hasn't been your experience, but apologies for assuming.

The fact is relationships, even the very healthy ones are hard work and I'm not the sort of person to compromise on how my child is raised.

They really don't have to be that hard. Mine isn't, though admittedly I don't have kids added into the equation.

Choosing single parenthood is one thing, but a couple having a kid together - surely you have to compromise and raise the child together? It is not just the woman's child.

I brought them up because a lot of people seem to believe that a child being raised by a couple is preferable or easier than single parenthood and it really isn't for a lot of people.
My point regarding compromise was that it is actually often a lot harder for women in relationships raising children due to different views on how they should be raised, having their parenting efforts undermined by their partner who may be unwilling to enforce the same boundaries that the mother herself is trying to enforce.
Often one parent is stricter than the other for example and if mummy says no then the children go running off to daddy who they know will say yes or vice versa, i did it myself as a child. Children quickly learn how to play one parent off against the other.
In my house there is one set of rules and consequences, enforced solely by me, my dc know i mean what i say, the result is a happy harmonious household. I'm sure that is achievable within a relationship but it's a lot harder as obviously adults have their own beliefs.
Then of course there are those with undomesticated partners, for a lot of women their partners are someone else to cook for, clean up after etc.. It's just not for everyone, single parenthood affords some us freedoms that are unattainable within a relationship.

I have such huge respect for single parents. The relationship my best friend has with her mom who raised her as a single parent (due to a terribly abusive ex) is just so lovely. She is such a strong and independent woman, and has become very successful. I'm in awe of her.

I also know a single lady who adopted a 1.5 yr old a couple of years ago. Again, their relationship is wonderful and they are so lucky to have 'found' each other.

Sometimes the circumstances aren't great, but the love is always there and I think that is all that matters.

I read on t'Internet the other day, "the hardest thing about being a single parent isn't that there is no other parent to share your pain - it's that there isn't one to share your joy". Poignant.

I'm just gasping with disbelief at some of the 19th century mindsets in evidence here.

YABshockinglyU. In what way shape or form does the mere fact of being in a spousal-type relationship impact upon a person's ability to parent?

Many thousands of single parents (women and men) do a wonderful job. Equally, many thousands of dual parents are inept, negligent, or abusive and totally unworthy.

Well it's also bollocks that there's no one to share your joy as well.

Lone parents have children, friends, relatives, colleagues, people they love; the idea that the only person who can share your joy is someone who lives in your house with whom you have sex, is absurd.

Who cares if you don't have a partner (or army of friends and family) to "share the joy". I get plenty of joy sitting with my son and playing with his toys, or watching him learn new things, or just watching him sleep. Whether I'm by myself or among others that feeling never changes.

YY Ruby, I reckon my closest friends are far closer to my children, than they would have been if I'd had a partner.

People don't realise the very different dynamics that being a single parent can open up in terms of relationships within and outside of the family.

I wrote a blog post about this - why there's so much pressure not to be a single mother - the big secret about how good it can be - so as it's directly relevant to this thread, I'm posting it here.

"People can't seem to get their heads around the fact that I don't want a relationship."

Totally agree with that. I have decided to stay single. My youngest has turned 16 and I am looking forward to the next phase of my life (and without periods).

I am constantly being asked if I have found anyone yet.

My DH became I'll when my youngest was 18 months, through Cancer, I was then widowed.

I honestly have not found it a struggle, I craved Motherhood, I suffered MC's after my first and thought I wouldn't be able to have any more.

I have a good relationship with my Mum and she has been of more help than most of my friends DH's have, we are a Matriarchal family, my GM had chosen To be a LP in the 30's over living with a waster.

I can't believe that anyone would consider abortion a choice (not the pregnant woman but others) based on whether the father is sticking around, or even if their earning power is decreased.

The body's of research around the outcomes of children from LP's need to be studied, as they are not as conclusive as they first appear and many are out if date and done during the Tory hate campaign against LP's and during a biased Welfare system (which we are returning to, sadly).

There are so many variables in family life, there is no one answer to any situation.

great blog, AskBasil

Dad won't be on birth cert or involved at all

Does that mean he won't have to contribute financially? Sorry, I don't know how these things work. I hope he does have to BTW as 50% of the baby is his. Will the CSA get involved?

If he's not on the birth certificate he's not technically the dad as far as the state is concerned, so there would be no obligation on him to pay maintenance.

Thanks maparole.