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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be negative about choosing single parenthood?

216 replies

Dixy30 · 15/12/2013 21:47

Hello

Think I am here.

Saw a good friend today who has another friend I know pretty well for about 10yr but am not an independent friend of and lives elsewhere.

Anyway this friend is 30 brought up by single mum & has hada douche boyfriend who already has other kids for a few years.

He always said u get pregnant, i end it and u never see me again.

So friend is now pregnant (was an accident not sure of details)& he is true to his word and gone. She is saying this may be last chance at parenthood (she is 30) and will live with her mum who will help.

I would never say this to the actual woman but I was very negative when I heard this. About the man too. This person is going to have such a tough time doing it alone I just feel so sorry for her eg will get virtually no maternity leave, is totally reliable on her mum etc.

What would other people do? I don't think I would have been able to have a relationship with this man from day 1 given his attitude.

Hmm
OP posts:
stubbornstains · 16/12/2013 09:49

I'm sure the ideal way to bring DC up is as part of of a happy loving couple. But it's far better to bring a child up on your own than in an unhappy relationship with an unloving (or lazy, unhelpful, abusive, selfish) father.

FanjolinaJolie · 16/12/2013 10:02

I don't understand the 'last chance' mindset at 30.

My SIL was saying this at 28 when she got pregnant unexpectedly. Guy shot through and has never met his D aged now six. Life is a struggle but yes of course SIL is a great mum and loves her DD.

I love my girls to pieces, but I am not sure I would pursue single parenthood willingly. Rather than be focused on last chance I would try and enrich my life in another way, and hope to find a life-partner and satisfying relationship before looking to become a sole parent.

puntasticusername · 16/12/2013 10:05

I'm sorry, but I think YABU. If she is happy with her situation and all the kids involved are ok and well looked after etc, what business is it of yours or anyone else's?

WooWooOwl · 16/12/2013 10:07

As Lomb as she can afford it without claiming benefits, and as long as the child is loved and well cared for, then I don't see the problem.

I do think it's selfish to have a child just because you want one knowing that that child will then have to grow up without a dad, but it's the adult child that your friend will have to answer to on that one. It's no one else's business.

GastonIsAKnob · 16/12/2013 10:11

Im a lone parent after my ex left me for another woman while I was pregnant. It has been hard work but I have had a lot of support from friends and family. DD is just as loved and cherished as any another child so im sure your friend and her baby will be just fine.

HandragsNGladbags · 16/12/2013 10:29

Much happier to be a lone parent and happy, than in a destructive relationship surely OP?

Elfhame · 16/12/2013 10:39

She will be fine as she has a very supportive mum. An average income will be adequate, especially as she will be living at her Mum's house and won't have the high London housing costs to contend with. She sounds quite lucky in comparison to many single mums - I managed and I had it a lot harder as far as money, housing and family support go.

Mind your own business.

TheBigJessie · 16/12/2013 12:23

I think some of you are using "choice" and "choose" a bit loosely. She is already pregnant.

The choice is terminate or continue the pregnancy. I am entirely in favour of abortions being safe, legal and available, but not of them becoming compulsory for single pregnant women.

perlona · 16/12/2013 13:07

I get a bit jealous of a friend who did it alone, she has absolute power over how her child is brought up and gets to do everything her way.

The only important thing is that she is a good parent to her child, better one good parent than two bad ones or two in a very unhealthy, destructive relationship.

yabu

IneedAsockamnesty · 16/12/2013 13:14

Woowoo.

Is there any topic you don't feel the need to bring benefits into?

basgetti · 16/12/2013 13:20

Completely agree with TheBigJessie.

formerbabe · 16/12/2013 13:24

My first reaction on reading the initial post was the pregnancy was no accident, the woman in question thought the guy would change his mind if she was pregnant. She is 30 and worried her biological clock was ticking. Just my gut reaction.

Ragwort · 16/12/2013 13:27

Personally I would find it very, very hard, actually I do find being a parent very hard (and to me, it is 'relentless' although I understand other people don't always feel the way). My DH is very, very supportive and involved in our DS's life but I still find it tough and can't imagine what it would be like on your own.

But everyone is different, some people clearly feel it is the 'last chance' to have a baby at 30 Hmm - but then I easily became pregnant a lot older than that Grin. We are all different and have such different opinions on these things, it is only possible to respond from our own perspective. Someone quite close to me has had two children, without the father being involved, and she really cannot cope (one child in care, the other 'at risk') - but clearly lots of people can cope well on their own.

TheBigJessie · 16/12/2013 13:50

I once had an acquaintance who was fervently politically pro-life except in cases of medical need, rape, incest because she was convinced that women being socially coerced into abortion was part and parcel of unrestricted access, and would negatively affect a much greater number of women.

Sometimes I can see why she felt like that. We don't even have abortion on demand in this country!

www.telegraph.co.uk/women/womens-life/10497456/Abortion-laws-relic-of-the-past-or-a-big-flabby-unsatisfactory-compromise.html

If you want to be very technical about it, continuing a pregnancy is always statistically more dangerous than a early termination, of course. But that's letter of the law stuff.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/12/2013 13:55

YABU and very judgemental. Having been a single parent from birth myself I can tell you that it is an amazing experience. Yes, challenging & hard work ... but you could say that about any parenting set up. Certainly more rewarding bringing up a child solo than having to cope with some dead-weight of a bloke round your neck at the same time.

KateSpade · 16/12/2013 13:58

I chose single parenthood. & I have always said I would rather be on my own and happy than in a relationship and miserable.

It is unbelievable how my family have rallied round DD, she may not have a father, but she has so much more!

samandi · 16/12/2013 14:01

Last chance at 30! Good lord. I'm well out of the running then.

Seems daft to me but each to their own I guess. So long as she doesn't turn round and complain that he's not around! (And so long as her mum is really on board - if not it's incredibly selfish and unfair on her.)

Original poster
Dixy30 · 16/12/2013 14:07

Oh I think she will be a great mum and no benefits etc she is clever and well organised and yes 1 child is fairly manageable.

I think I was just surprised at my orang reaction being sad for her doing all the work I didn't expect to feel like that. I suppose just want everyone to have perfect experience which isn't real lifeGrin

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/12/2013 14:21

I've lost count of the number of hours I've spent listening to married and partnered friends whining their heads off about how their OH doesn't help enough around the home and/or with the baby. All they do is complain. He goes away for a couple of days and they tell me (me!) that they know what it feels like being a single parent. (Dream on Hmm)

In my house where there is no OH and everything is down to me, there is no whining, no bitterness and no resentment!!! I just get on with it and, as a result, I have a lovely life compared to these Disgruntled Wives.

TheBigJessie · 16/12/2013 14:25

Well, even if she did claim benefits, there are tax-payers, both pro-life and pro-choice, who would be Quite Happy about their taxes supporting her.

Lilka · 16/12/2013 16:16

I've chosen single parenthood and do not regret it at all

Yes it's hard

But on the other hand, there are benefits to being a single parent as well and it's certainly been the best decision I've ever made

I chose from the outset to be a single parent, so it wasn't like your friends situation but even so I'm sure she'll be fine

KateSpade · 16/12/2013 17:52

Exactly my point cogito

HedgehogsRevenge · 16/12/2013 18:10

Fgs, don't feel sorry for her. Having raised ds alone from birth I can assure you, my friends envy me. We do what we want when we want, no drunken twat of a partner rolling in drunk waking the household up, no arguments, no-one telling me I can't buy my son a doll, no-one undermining my parenting etc..
The only part I found difficult was the sleep deprivation but you only have to look at half the threads on here to see that very few men do night wakings anyway. I feel very blessed and love being a lone parent. My life is a whole lot easier than most of my married friends and that's mainly to do with the fact that I only have one child and no partner to consider.

HairyGrotter · 16/12/2013 18:26

I was a LP from conception, I chose to continue the pregnancy because I felt it was the right decision for me, and I don't regret a day of it. DD is one of the happiest, most confident children I've met, I found it tiring, but nothing too hectic, not the hardest thing I've done. I even managed to complete a college course AND read for a degree, all before she was 5.

YABU and judgemental. Let her make her choices, and you make yours

AskBasilAboutCranberrySauce · 16/12/2013 18:56

". If she keeps the child she is statistically more likely to live in poverty than if she had a child within a happy partnership or if she didnt have children at all."

Yes that's true. The patriarchy has a vested interest in ensuring that women who dare to have children without men, are punished with poverty.

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