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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be furious at DH for getting home at 6:40am this morning?

200 replies

polythenespam · 15/12/2013 09:57

I feel so annoyed with DH, I'm wondering whether I need some perspective.

He went out last night with people from work & finally rolled in, extremely drunk, at 6:40am. He has never come home that late before - we didn't discuss what time he planned to stay out until, but based on previously I thought it would be around 2am. He doesn't go out very often - this isn't a weekly occurence or anything like that.

We have a 2yo and so any notion of a family day has been written off now as he sleeps - and I'm left looking after DD all day. I have had very little sleep - probably around 2 hours - as I lay awake most of the night worrying about him.

To put my anxiety into context, last year DH suffered a serious head injury that could have killed him (not due to drinking I should add) & since then I suffer a lot of anxiety over his safety, whereabouts etc. Last night I rang him at 5:30 and asked him to come home; yet it was still over an hour until he did. He is also diabetic so I have good reason to worry if he is binge drinking as could trigger a hypo.

So, AIBU to be furious at him? I just feel that this isn't how you behave in a marriage with a young DC, rolling home in the actual morning. My dad never did this to my mum and I'm sure DH's dad never did either. It feels horribly disrespectful to me.

Or, do I just need to suck it up and deal with my anxieties?

OP posts:
BunnyLebowski · 15/12/2013 09:58

YANBU. At all.

What a prick.

My first thought would be that he was with another woman.

JockTamsonsBairns · 15/12/2013 10:00

YANBU. I wouldn't be happy with this at all. Did he give any indication of his whereabouts at 5.30 this morning?

somersethouse · 15/12/2013 10:02

2am would be reasonable, 6.40am is ridiculous. So, YANBU. It's not like you are asking that he doesn't go out and comes in at midnight or something.

6.40am! Where was he?

Preciousbane · 15/12/2013 10:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
polythenespam · 15/12/2013 10:03

Apparently he was in some all night pub, and when I spoke to him it did sound very noisy like he was in a pub.

OP posts:
CranberrySaucyJack · 15/12/2013 10:04

Would he "let" you go out on a similar night out if you wanted to?

If yes, then YABU.

Becoming a parent doesn't (and shouldn't IMO) stop you from enjoying the occasional works night out - and it is very occasional for him by the sounds of things.

He's a grown-up. You're not his mum. You don't get to decide what time his curfew is.

YouTheCat · 15/12/2013 10:04

The fact that he's diabetic and is seriously risking his health makes him sound like a twat.

BocaDeTrucha · 15/12/2013 10:06

YANBU..... I would also be furious especially if this is out of character. Everyone knows what the consequences of a night out like that are and to do it knowing what your responsibilities are the next day is totally out or order.

Did he warn you it might be that late?

whereisshe · 15/12/2013 10:08

I wouldn't be cross with the time, I'd be cross because he'd made me worry. DH knows I don't care if he stays out all night, provided: we don't have plans the next day, and he updates me re where he is so I know he's safe/alive.

I've been known to get home late too (although not nearly 7am!!) so for us it's swings and roundabouts - if it's not for you and there is a "having fun" imbalance between you that would bother me as well of I were you.

Writerwannabe83 · 15/12/2013 10:08

He was BU for not letting you know he was ok and that it made you lie awake worrying about him. Had you text him to ask where he was and he ignored it? I would be angry about this aspect!

However, I'm quite relaxed about Big Nights Out - everyone is entitled to a bit of fun now and then. However, I assume it isn't a regular thing and that of you wanted a night out with your friends he wouldn't put up any objections?

My DH goes put with his mates and comes home at 4.00am-ish (though thankfully not very drunk) and I just let it go because I know he would have no problem with me doing the same. Our situation is different though as we don't have children yet (currently pregnant) so I can understand why you're angry if it means you're left to handle your son alone all day. But like I said, if it isn't an occurrence that's happening every weekend then I'd let it go.

I like the idea of letting your son play with your pots and pans though - there is nothing wrong in teaching your husband a little lesson for making you worry about him Smile

Original poster
polythenespam · 15/12/2013 10:09

Of course he would "let" me go on a similar night out - if it were billed as a few drinks with some colleagues and he would assume I was going to be home by 1am, 2am. If I rolled in at nearly 7am I doubt he would be happy either.

There was no warning it would be that time.

OP posts:
NellysKnickers · 15/12/2013 10:10

If its just a one off, let it go DH rolled in at 8am this morning after a night out, he had to stay at his mates as he couldn't get a cab. He rang his mum to get him this morning as he knew what my response would be. Luckily dcs out until lunchtime but I will send them up to see Daddy when they get home!!

The diabetes is a worry but like I said if its a one off just let it go.

Do hide the paracetamol and let dc play with noisiest toys though Grin

Original poster
polythenespam · 15/12/2013 10:10

I text him at 3:30ish to ask where he was and he did reply, said he was still sober (ha!) and would be home soon

OP posts:
onedev · 15/12/2013 10:11

I think as a 1-off, then YABU. Yes, agree its not great but it's Christmas & if he's an otherwise good guy, then I'd let it go.

Original poster
polythenespam · 15/12/2013 10:12

I feel like next time he goes out, we are going to have to agree a "curfew", because I'm not going to lie awake all night like that again. It's not fair.

OP posts:
neunundneunzigluftballons · 15/12/2013 10:13

YANBU my DH has done this more than once over the years and I have gone ballistic. After a rip roaring row I have let him off because he is a wonderful husband and father generally so I have to consider the overall picture but it is a big red line. You husbands health concerns and history justify unleashing a near stellar riot on him. DH was out last night at a night that typically results in a crazy all nighter but much to my surprise he was home by 1:30 maybe he is growing up. As regards not being able for the family day that would not bother me if it was an incredibly rare occurrence as everyone needs downtime.

TidyDancer · 15/12/2013 10:14

A one off wouldn't bother me, if it was a regular occurrence then yes, I would be pissed off about it.

Did he tell you it would be a late one?

impatienttobemummy · 15/12/2013 10:14

Sorry I think you need a bit of perspective. It's not a common thing, he answered the phone to you, he had a late one.. So what. I'd be surprised if my DH did this but wouldn't go mad as were all allowed to let our hair down once in a blue moon which he did. If it was happening a lot fine I'd be angry but in reality he had a good night out!
Tell him you were worried of course but as another poster said your not his Mum. He's a big boy

CombineBananaFister · 15/12/2013 10:16

YANBU - I know you said he doesn't do it very often so maybe he was just too drunk to make rational decisions and he's fucked up. How cross i would be would depend on time he woke up and if he acknowledges it was a silly thing to do.

Having said that, I think you reach an age where you have responsibilties and unless you can fully function the next day and meet them then you shouldn't be drinking til the early hours. I'm all for letting your hair down but not so that it wipes out the full next day unless you have no-one depending on you.
Of course the diabetic thing is a bloody worry too, even if he is a grown man.

FiscalCliffRocksThisTown · 15/12/2013 10:17

WHY is it a foregone conclusion that he will sleep all day? and you , tired as well, looking after DC?

Wake him up around 11 and tell him you urgently need to run an errand and he needs to look after DC.

Really, this is what I would do, and have done. No passive aggressive crap, might even bring him a coffee in bed, but just say that obviously he cannot stay in bed all day.

Open curtains, get DC in bed with him for a cuddle.

He"'ll just have to woman up.

DebrisSlide · 15/12/2013 10:20

It's not simply the staying out that's the problem, is it? It's the assumption that he has no responsibilities to you our his child, either during the night or the next day. Did he ask you if you would be OK to do all of the childcare today?

Original poster
polythenespam · 15/12/2013 10:20

The problem is that at 6:40 this morning, he was still extremely drunk. If I woke him at 11 to look after our DC, would he be capable of doing so? His blood sugars also run the risk of being all over the place today, so I don't really think it would be safe for him to be left in charge of a small child. As much as I would love to just sod off for the day I really can't.

OP posts:
Writerwannabe83 · 15/12/2013 10:20

Grin At setting a Curfew Grin

I'd love to see a grown man tell his friends he has to go home now because his wife has set him a time that he has to be back by. Poor man, oh the embarrassment.....

Original poster
polythenespam · 15/12/2013 10:23

Writer I don't see why he would have to tell his friends anything. What on earth is wrong with a married man, with a young DC, calling it a night at 2am?

OP posts:
Writerwannabe83 · 15/12/2013 10:26

There's nothing wrong with it, but I don't see anything wrong in having the occasional 'Big Night' out either.

As has been said, he replied to your text....which is more than most men do when other wives are having the same issue.

You have also said he wouldn't have a problem with you doing the same.

As someone above said, having a child doesn't mean Social Lives have to stop. Everyone should still be allowed some fun and if he isn't doing it on a regular occurrence then I would just let it go.

Maybe next weekend it can be your turn to go out all night? Smile

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