Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be furious at DH for getting home at 6:40am this morning?

200 replies

polythenespam · 15/12/2013 09:57

I feel so annoyed with DH, I'm wondering whether I need some perspective.

He went out last night with people from work & finally rolled in, extremely drunk, at 6:40am. He has never come home that late before - we didn't discuss what time he planned to stay out until, but based on previously I thought it would be around 2am. He doesn't go out very often - this isn't a weekly occurence or anything like that.

We have a 2yo and so any notion of a family day has been written off now as he sleeps - and I'm left looking after DD all day. I have had very little sleep - probably around 2 hours - as I lay awake most of the night worrying about him.

To put my anxiety into context, last year DH suffered a serious head injury that could have killed him (not due to drinking I should add) & since then I suffer a lot of anxiety over his safety, whereabouts etc. Last night I rang him at 5:30 and asked him to come home; yet it was still over an hour until he did. He is also diabetic so I have good reason to worry if he is binge drinking as could trigger a hypo.

So, AIBU to be furious at him? I just feel that this isn't how you behave in a marriage with a young DC, rolling home in the actual morning. My dad never did this to my mum and I'm sure DH's dad never did either. It feels horribly disrespectful to me.

Or, do I just need to suck it up and deal with my anxieties?

OP posts:
MerryFuckingChristmas · 16/12/2013 00:50

I don't think you made him cry, but he cried ? Hmm

Gosh, seems like a bit of an over reaction to staying out a bit late. Is he over his brain injury ?. Emotional lability like that might suggest not, or may point to a guilty conscience. A bit odd, IMO.

Wibblypiglikesbananas · 16/12/2013 01:03

Is there a chance his initial brain injury has changed both his personality and his tolerance of alcohol? Not excusing what he did or belittling your reaction to it, but my DF suffered a brain injury in a car accident and his personality has never been the same again. Also, he continues to believe he can tolerate the amount of alcohol he used to but can't. And that's a very hard thing to come to terms with.

Have you had any support yourself re the brain injury? There's a charity called Headway which offers this.

Darkesteyes · 16/12/2013 01:07

If the OPs DH expects the "in sickness and in health" marriage vow to be adhered to by the OP then he can at least be responsible about his health. If not then surely "in sickness and in health" should be removed from marraige vows in general Society cant have it both ways.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 16/12/2013 01:15

Darkesteyes... Well "Obey" used to be in there too. I wonder if that was adhered to so vehemently.

People should be responsible about their health but if they aren't then all the cajoling and nagging in the world won't change that.

Darkesteyes · 16/12/2013 02:16

Hmmm Good old monogamy eh.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 16/12/2013 02:37

YANBU

I would find it hugely disrespectful. I wouldn't do it myself, DH wouldn't do it.

If you agree an all-nighter that is entirely different.

chrome100 · 16/12/2013 07:29

I am so shocked that anyone would even find this a problem! So he stayed out all night? Big deal. He's an adult and it's not all the time. If he's hung over, he's hung over. If ever DP or I go out, we just say "don't wait up" -how can you possibly say what time you'll be home, you don't know how much fun you'll be having or where the night will go. Why on earth this is cause to be "fuming" is beyond me.

wiltingfast · 16/12/2013 09:12

Sorry, did I miss something? He cried in conversation with you didn't he? I don't he would have been crying otherwise?

You may have legitimate concerns about his health but you should be using those to try and control him. He's as entitled to a good night out without being dragged through the mire the next day as anyone else. He's not a teenager. There was nothing special planned the next day.

So yes, I'd say you need to get a grip.

Original poster
polythenespam · 16/12/2013 12:21

I'm not trying to control him. I just want him to make sensible decisions health wise as it impacts upon the whole family.

OP posts:
AdmiralData · 16/12/2013 22:25

Polythene Don't think you're going to get an equal ratio of YANBU to YABU on this forum:(

Mim78 · 16/12/2013 22:35

I think YANBU to be a bit annoyed, in particular that he didn't warn you he might be late or at least text you to say he was OK so you didn't worry.

However, I don't think it's the end of the world - we do all make mistakes occasionally. He could do something nice for you another day to make it up to you.

Mim78 · 16/12/2013 22:37

he was also definitely a twat for speaking to you that way. Serves him right if you did make him cry for that.

however, over all I think you can forgive him for the late night if he is nice from now on.

kslatts · 16/12/2013 22:49

I agree with chrome100. If it was a regular thing and it was impacting your family life then I can understand you being a bit upset, but as a once off I don't really see why it's a problem.

That is assuming he wouldn't mind if you did the same.

Mattissy · 16/12/2013 23:04

FGS he's an adult, if he stays out and gets tip roaring one night in a blue moon then so what?

My DSis is diabetic too, she's perfectly capable of looking after herself on a mad night out, good job coz she does it plenty, lol

PeriodFeatures · 16/12/2013 23:33

Unless he is going out regularly YABU. Everyone needs an occasional blowout.

I don't give two hoots if my DH does this now and again. He needs to kick back now and again and i'm sure yours does. Much better a night like that than him come home at midnight having had a crap night. I make mine a fry up and laugh at his hangover.

Health issues? Worrying for you but he is a fully grown adult.

Unless you have trust issues or he's out all the time then i dont see the problem.

Original poster
polythenespam · 16/12/2013 23:42

well fwiw he has said today that he feels ashamed for staying out all night and causing me worry. we are fine and I don't think it'll happen again.

I also think that a lot of people on this thread don't have the first idea about the implications of excessive alcohol consumption for a type 1 diabetic and brain injury survivor, given all the ffs style replies.

OP posts:
ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 16/12/2013 23:44

His anger and crying could be a sign of his blood sugars being messed up. He is a twit but if it's a one off I'd be inclined to let it go.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 16/12/2013 23:45

X Post

Darkesteyes · 16/12/2013 23:47

poly Im with you on this. If it had been you with the diabetes and out on the piss and something went badly wrong it would have been "oh how can you be so selfish You are a mum Now your DP will have to care for you.
Flip reverse it.... if something had gone badly wrong while your DP was out it would have been " Well OP hes the father of your child so you owe him"
Double standards.

PenguinsDontEatStollen · 17/12/2013 09:41

Poly- I'm glad to hear that it's sinking in for him. I feel that all the comments about letting ones hair down and controlling are missing the point that, regardless of health conditions, it is not on to cause your partner to stay up all night worrying about you. Some couples his behaviour would cause this worry, in others it would be 'normal' for a big night out. He knew full rightly which category your relationship fell into and he ought to have shown more consideration. However, it does sound like he has learned his lesson and hopefully it won't happen again.

DamnBamboo · 17/12/2013 09:44

YABU. Unless he does this regularly, I don't see the big problem. And if he had a heavy night out, why not just let him sleep it off, unless of course you already had other plans for the day, in which case he will just have to suffer through it.

It is completely unreasonable for one adult to set another adult a curfew, he's not 16.

DamnBamboo · 17/12/2013 09:46

Perhaps you need some help in managing your anxiety too, as it's not good for you to be stressed about it.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 17/12/2013 11:38

poly
I have thought about this some more and think you might benefit from some counselling or support in RL. You have been through a traumatic time with your DH's injury and understandably you feel very protective of him. However, you're protectiveness has strayed into anxiety which isn't good for you or your DH. He is a grown man and has to take responsibility for his own health and actions. Without meaning to, you run the risk of infantalising him in order to try and protect him from himself.

I am not underestimating how stressful what you have been through is, my DH used to work until the early hours and one morning I woke up to find he still wasn't home. His mobile was switched off and it was a couple of hours before I finally heard from him. He had been assaulted and his phone was off because he was in A&E. Those couple of hours of not knowing what had happened were some of the longest and most gut wrenching hours of my life.

I also wonder if your DH needs some counselling or some support from a diabetes charity, it sounds a bit like he was rebelling against the constraints of his illness. A bit "fuck it I don't care, I just want to enjoy myself".

Original poster
polythenespam · 17/12/2013 14:11

I've thought about counselling, but the problem is that I wholeheartedly believe my anxieties over this to be legitimate. (and in the cold light of day, DH agrees that they are too.) Counselling would no doubt be good but I need DH to do his bit too, or what would be the point.

His neuroconsultant said last year that he would NEVER be able to drink to excess again. It could cause seizures I believe. Re the diabetes - when he has got to the state where he is slurring and stumbling around, by his own admittance he wouldn't recognise the signs of a hypo. He could therefore end up falling into a diabetic coma and people around him would just think he were wasted. This is a very real risk.

So, it's kind of like me telling somebody that they shouldn't be anxious if their child ran into a road. I mean, the road might be empty, or the cars might swerve. But there's also a very real risk that they could be seriously injured, and of course anybody would be frightened if it happened. That's how I feel re DH getting so drunk when he shouldn't and I feel it's a legitimate worry.

OP posts:
yulebesorry · 17/12/2013 14:58

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all given his health issues and your need to get some sleep. I had the same experience with my husband ten years ago and was very worried - and only this year has in dawned on me that he was visiting a strip club. I wish I'd insisted on knowing exactly where he was that night. I never treated him like a child by insisting he should be home by a certain time but perhaps that's exactly what he needed. When he came home in the early hours a few months ago and I discovered exactly what was keeping him out late, I now feel foolish and humiliated for being so trusting. I only post this now, not add to your upset, and I hope I am wrong in your case, but I wish I'd asked mumsnet at the time and someone had enlightened me. There seems so much more at stake ten years down the line and I am very troubled by my foolishness. Perhaps you should ask him.