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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be furious at DH for getting home at 6:40am this morning?

200 replies

polythenespam · 15/12/2013 09:57

I feel so annoyed with DH, I'm wondering whether I need some perspective.

He went out last night with people from work & finally rolled in, extremely drunk, at 6:40am. He has never come home that late before - we didn't discuss what time he planned to stay out until, but based on previously I thought it would be around 2am. He doesn't go out very often - this isn't a weekly occurence or anything like that.

We have a 2yo and so any notion of a family day has been written off now as he sleeps - and I'm left looking after DD all day. I have had very little sleep - probably around 2 hours - as I lay awake most of the night worrying about him.

To put my anxiety into context, last year DH suffered a serious head injury that could have killed him (not due to drinking I should add) & since then I suffer a lot of anxiety over his safety, whereabouts etc. Last night I rang him at 5:30 and asked him to come home; yet it was still over an hour until he did. He is also diabetic so I have good reason to worry if he is binge drinking as could trigger a hypo.

So, AIBU to be furious at him? I just feel that this isn't how you behave in a marriage with a young DC, rolling home in the actual morning. My dad never did this to my mum and I'm sure DH's dad never did either. It feels horribly disrespectful to me.

Or, do I just need to suck it up and deal with my anxieties?

OP posts:
Xmas2013MN6233 · 15/12/2013 11:11

I actually think its offensive to think an individual with a disability or an illness should be controlled by their partner because of it, they are the one living with it and to a degree being controlled by it 99 percent of the time.

Also - in the main yes parenting is a shared responsibility - but there is nothing wrong with letting your hair down every now and then, whichever one wants to do it.

I welcome DH having an occassional break and he the same for me - whatever that break involves.

maddy68 · 15/12/2013 11:20

I did something similar last week, when you are with people and pissed it's easy to lose track of time. I was at an all night venue too, 6.30 I rolled in.

JohnnyBarthes · 15/12/2013 11:21

My diabetic friend has been managing both his condition and the odd all nighter for 40 years. It's a risk he's prepared to take and one that, as an adult, he's entitled to make.

If wouldn't live with a man who set curfews.

jeansthatfit · 15/12/2013 11:21

Do people on this thread not understand the difference between 'letting your hair down' in a way which has at least been discussed and agreed with their partner -

And going on a bender that the other partner wasn't expecting, hasn't agreed to, and now has to fit round them being totally out of action while they sleep all day?

Can I help you with this? If I arrange to go away with friends on a 2 day trip, which would mean dp covering all parenting and household arrangements himself - shouldn't I let him know in advance? and give him the chance to tell me which are good times for him, and times when he's going to be so busy at work, it would be unfair? rather than just ringing from the hotel when I was there, and expecting him to suck it up?

Do we see the difference there? No one is saying I couldn't or shouldn't go away. My partner certainly isn't. But I'm not expecting to do it all on my terms and leave him no say in arrangements which affect him. Simple.

lottieandmia · 15/12/2013 11:24

YANBU - that is beyond selfish IMO.

DoesntLeftoverTurkeySoupDragOn · 15/12/2013 11:27

So, you didn't discuss what time he'd home.
He has never been home that late before.
He doesn't go out very often.

Health issues aside, I think YABU.

Ladyglamalot · 15/12/2013 11:27

No the op's dh is not entitled to take the "risk" with regards to his diabetes as he also has the op and their dc to consider-although clearly he did not.

I love nights out and letting my hair down but rolling in at that time with no regards for your dp is entitled and selfish.

Xmas2013MN6233 · 15/12/2013 11:28

jeans I get the impression that if the Dh had tried to plan something like this, he wouldnt have been given a hard time, and there in lies the difference.

And FWIW, if I was to do exactly as you described, and ring my DH from a hotel and say, I am having a great time, he would happily enable me to stay another night if at all possible - because he would be glad I was enjoying my break.

trixymalixy · 15/12/2013 11:29

Curfew?!?!! You're not his parent.

If it was every weekend then fair enough, but it's a rare night out. As long as you are able to do the same them YABU.

MintChocAddict · 15/12/2013 11:31

Hmmm
Am sitting somewhat on the fence with this one. Lying awake worrying he's fallen over, been attacked etc is horrible so I get your annoyance with that and the diabetes thing would also be a worry. However being married and having a child doesn't mean that your life should end. Going out and letting off steam is healthy IMO. DH does tend to stay out later than me, but I'm not his Mum, I'm his wife and we're both adults. Some of the posts on here are downright bizzare. The first one about suspecting he's with another woman. Xmas Hmm No, he's likely pissed as a fart and having great great fun, in a club, at a casino etc.
Good luck to all of you with your curfews and expectations that life is all about quality time with your spouse and children. Yes it's important, but so is maintaining a life outside of that too. When DH has a late one he knows he can sleep until lunchtime but pulls his weight equally in the afternoon/evening. That way it's his choice to party knowing he'll be sleep deprived the next day.
Yes it's all about respect, but the OPs DH was communicating with her. Respect works both ways and treating husbands/partners like a naughty child who requires a curfew, and to be kept on a short leash shows no respect whatsoever.

mewmeow · 15/12/2013 11:33

I think Yabu, for the same reasons as others; it's a one off and he answered his phone! I know the diabetes makes it more complicated, but he is a grown man and only he can take responsibility for his actions. It's not healthy for you to feel such a need to control his illness for him, or lay awake all night worrying. I know several diabetics and they all still drink alcohol and have done for years, probably a lot more than your dp.

I rolled in at 4:30 this morning but am still up (have been since 9) looking after my daughter with dp being away at work, so I don't see why your dp can't spend some time with you both later on. Why don't you snuggle up on the sofa and watch a film or something together?

Caitlin17 · 15/12/2013 11:35

I think you're being a bit unreasonable,especially the idea of setting a curfew. If this is a one -off I don't see this as a big deal. Sometimes work dos are just awful,sometimes they turn out well.

Xmas2013MN6233 · 15/12/2013 11:38

oh my - I missed the post about setting a curfew, I used to be really anxious after losing a parent suddenly, but that was my anxiety to learn to manage

you will lose him if you try to control him, and if it was the other way around and was trying to control you I would say the same

mummytime · 15/12/2013 11:44

Sorry but I would be furious.

But my DH would never stay out all night without informing me before hand, and booking a hotel room to recover in. And he doesn't have any health issues to add to the worry.

It is simple politeness not to cause another person unnecessary worry.

EmmaBemma · 15/12/2013 11:45

He slipped up, but you said yourself it's not something he's ever done before. It easy to lose track of time when you're drunk. I would be equally cross in your shoes but sometimes we all do things we're not proud of - I think you should cut him some slack.

JinglingRexManningDay · 15/12/2013 11:51

Op I don't think YABU with reference to his diabetes. You will have to watch him for signs he is hypo for the next 24 hours or so. His binge drinking has directly effected you now. Its not just him sleeping off a few drinks. As well as looking after a toddler,and probably getting dinner and you only got a couple of hours sleep.I think it was iincredibly selfish of him to play Russian roulette with his health.

SomethingkindaOod · 15/12/2013 11:51

I would be angry with him for making me worry in your shoes, especially given his health issues, I don't sleep particularly well if I know Adam is back late, mainly because in the night I have ears like a bat and wake up despite the fact that even when he's pissed he's fairly quiet.
However if it just a one off then I wouldn't think about a curfew or make a huge issue of it.
Me and DH have an agreement that if it looks like a long boozy do (he regularly takes clients out for dinner which can stretch into the early hours sometimes) he finds somewhere else to stay and comes home in the morning.
A curfew is wrong though and it will cause issues between you.

LtEveDallas · 15/12/2013 11:53

I don't get having to stay out all night just to have a good time once you have family responsibilities. I really don't, so that's probably colouring my view. Especially coming home in the daylight pissed as a fart.

I've lost count of the amount of all nighters I pulled when young free and single - but once DD came along the thought of having to deal with her with a hangover or no sleep quickly knocked that one the head. It would spoil the fun of the previous night for me. Plus I'd be worried that she would need me the next day (illness/accident) and I'd be incapable.

Be careful that the 'pissedness' doesn't hide a hypo or hyper though OP. We nearly lost my mum thinking she was drunk one Christmas when actually it was the diabetes - she ended up in ITU over NY.

JinglingRexManningDay · 15/12/2013 11:55

Something is your dh name Adam? You may out yourself if it is.

takingthathometomomma · 15/12/2013 11:59

YANBU. You would be being unreasonable if you had managed to get into contact with him at some point during the night and he had let you know that he'd be in a little lot later, however he didn't.

Sometimes plans change and there are still clubs that let you party like it's 1999, that's fair enough, but a phone call really isn't that hard to make.

jeansthatfit · 15/12/2013 12:02

mummysanta, my DP would be happy if I was out having a great time. That's not the issue.

He has commitments, work, other family etc in his life - as do I - and I would not expect him to drop them all, or indeed expect him to be able to, if I changed all my plans on the spur of the moment. I certainly wouldn't expect him to do it to me. It would show contempt.

If I was ill, yes. If I just wanted to stay out and get drunk, no. And vice versa.

Writerwannabe83 · 15/12/2013 12:05

I would never expect my husband to agree to be back by a certain time.
I just say "Bye sweetheart, have a good time, see you in the morning."

I do however tell him he has to sleep in the spare room so he doesn't wake me up when he gets home. As long as he agrees to that then I have no issue Grin

SomethingkindaOod · 15/12/2013 12:08

God knows who Adam is!! I really do need to turn the spellcheck off this thing though and proofread my posts though!
For some reason the iPad spellcheck turns DH into Adam if I hit the 'a' key rather than the shift..
Thanks jingling

Writerwannabe83 · 15/12/2013 12:08

Ps) I have a chronic condition which means I have to be very careful about sleep and alcohol etc but I'd be mightily pissed off if I thought my husband was trying to use it as an excuse for me to not have a social life like everyone else does, or imply I was being irresponsible because I wanted to live my life 'normally'. I've had my condition for 16 years, I know my own limits and triggers etc as I'm sure your husband knows his.

AdmiralData · 15/12/2013 12:09

'Enjoying an occasional night out' - Are you fucking real? What reasonable human being gets shitfaced and rolls home still pissed ... THE NEXT DAY especially when they have a small human being they created that they have to care for? If this thread was reversed the OP would have been slammed for being a terrible mum.

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