to be furious at DH for getting home at 6:40am this morning?

[polythenespam]

I feel so annoyed with DH, I'm wondering whether I need some perspective.

He went out last night with people from work & finally rolled in, extremely drunk, at 6:40am. He has never come home that late before - we didn't discuss what time he planned to stay out until, but based on previously I thought it would be around 2am. He doesn't go out very often - this isn't a weekly occurence or anything like that.

We have a 2yo and so any notion of a family day has been written off now as he sleeps - and I'm left looking after DD all day. I have had very little sleep - probably around 2 hours - as I lay awake most of the night worrying about him.

To put my anxiety into context, last year DH suffered a serious head injury that could have killed him (not due to drinking I should add) & since then I suffer a lot of anxiety over his safety, whereabouts etc. Last night I rang him at 5:30 and asked him to come home; yet it was still over an hour until he did. He is also diabetic so I have good reason to worry if he is binge drinking as could trigger a hypo.

So, AIBU to be furious at him? I just feel that this isn't how you behave in a marriage with a young DC, rolling home in the actual morning. My dad never did this to my mum and I'm sure DH's dad never did either. It feels horribly disrespectful to me.

Or, do I just need to suck it up and deal with my anxieties?

Your anxieties are legitimate, in that there is a real risk, its more about getting techniques for dealing with them. However, your DH isn't a child and he has to take responsibility for himself - which is why I think he needs some counselling too.

Its probably, utterly frustrating for you that he did this, but you can't control him or force him to be sensible. He has to want to look after himself, I know one type 1 diabetic who is a very heavy drinker / alcoholic and its almost like watching someone commit slow suicide and there isn't anything her family can do as she is an adult.

I would qualify all of the above with the following caveat that if you DH's brain injury has affected his judgment / ability to assess risk then you may have to be more interventionist.

Do you know, even without the health issues I'd be wondering where the hell he was until 6:40 am. Is it just me? You only have to go onto the relationships board here to see that that would be a warning flag. Not saying the op's dh is cheating but why would he not even contact her and cause her all that worry? It's pretty selfish.

I'm glad he's remorseful op and I'm not saying I'd be ltb or anything but I'd be pretty damn upset for a while. And I don't think that makes me some kind of killjoy, it's just disrespectful.

OP, people are dramatising/revisiting a lot of their own ishoos here through your dilemma. I hope you can take a lot of it with a pinch of salt.

Most people have no idea about the dangers of heavy drinking and diabetes. They won't listen even if you tell them. Look at the stats re the number of young drinkers who die because of alcohol induced hypos every year. Lots of alcholol and diabetes can be a deadly combination. If all adults can 'manage it', then none of them would ever die because of it. Guess what. They do.

Ditto brain injury.

Also be wary of any MN forum debate on drinking, tbh. There's a lot of heavy drinkers here who throw guilt tantrums if you talk about sensible or healthy drinking. They get very defensive over any idea that someone's drinking needs to be 'controlled'.

i do think there are also man-pleasers who have no choice but to let their husband behave however he damn well chooses (without taking into account their needs or feelings or life). They often feel like it's the only deal on the table. They will be viciously judgemental of women who do not accept that deal.

I think it's hugely insightful that when you mentioned your dp had said unpleasant things to you, and then cried afterwards, you were accused of 'making' him cry. Rather than think he was tired, hungover, emotional, regretful etc etc (god knows where his blood sugar level was after that night out) - they've decided you're a manipulative bitch. Interesting interpretation.

Like I say - other people's ishoos.

I've only just seen this thread and on my limited knowledge of diabetes type I I know that drinking alcohol at all is really really bad let alone out all night drinking.

I hope that you and your dh can work together on him not being so irresponsible again. I do wonder if he is still struggling to come to terms with what happened regarding his brain damage and the implications of that? Perhaps you would benefit from a few sessions with a counsellor together when you can discuss those painful painful "what if?" discussions?

I don't have any of the issues you refer to Jeans and I stand by my original post - it's a 1- off & Christmas - yes he has serious health issues, but the Op is not his mum & so I still think the Op IBU.

I think you have a lot of disagreement on here because your title states you're angry because he was out till 6:20 and that you need to set curfew, but have now changed that to you're actually angry because he's diabetic and got really drunk.

As I said earlier my DSis is type 1, she had been since she was 12 and I was 7, 39 years ago. I really do know a lot about it. My DSis has no children, works very hard and plays hard too. She had a very active and energetic social life, most weekends she is partying till 4/5am, she can control the drink and her sugar levels, she is an award winning and leading chemical scientist, she knows her body and the control of it, literally inside out. The staying out and partying isn't the issue. The attitude of your dh to his condition is.

What was he drinking, certain drinks are 'less worse' than others, was he monitoring himself during the night, this can be done quickly I'm the loos for instance, had he prepared his body for the night ahead?

I'm concerned about his snip about he's not bothered he's a diabetic, it may seem like it was just a snidey hungover comment but it could be more, does he feel stifled by the condition or your anxiety about it, I think you need to talk and not just you telling him why you feel anxious and having him agree you have a point. If you're trying to mother him it could lead to worse problems.

Just read through that and I make DSis sound like a raging alcoholic who performs chemical experiments in order to drink more and more, lmao!

She likes her social life, in order to continue for as long as possible she monitors and controls her intake. If that sometimes means a sharp end to the night then that's what happens, she lives to party another day, lol

Hmmm, jeansthatfit, you seem to think that women who respect their dh as autonomous responsible individuals capable of making decisions about their health and nights out, who can be trusted to come home without being checked on every hour have "ishoos".

I certainly did feel it gave me a lot of insight into the situation when the op said her dh "cried".

Try reversing the gender roles here and ask yourself what you would be saying.

Treating a partner with trust and respect is not a one way street and as far as I know does not mean you have "ishoos".

I would feel horribly suffocated if my partner was this anxious on my behalf.

As you had contact with him, you knew where he was and he hadn't turned his phone of then, yes, I think it's ok as a one off Christmas thing.

No, wilting.

I think it's great when men are autonomous, responsible individuals capable of making their own decisions about their health and nights out. Women, too.

Going on a bender unannounced with a couple of potentially serious health issues and then coming home so late and hungover that an individual can't play a part in family life and assumes their partner will just take over isn't that. It's selfish entitled behaviour.

I do wonder (I mentioned this before) if it is partly to do with how much people have going on in their lives. I guess if you have few obligations or plans, then if your partner behaves like this, it has less impact on your life. Less to take into account/rearrange etc.

I'd have no problem with my (healthy) partner staying out all night drinking. even if it meant he had to spend the next day sleeping it off. But damn right I'd expect him to at least have the grace to let me know in advance, and preferably to check it was ok with me. Would I just decide to go out on the piss all night without telling him? No. Because I respect him, and understand that he is not there simply to slot in unquestioningly around my behaviour.

I don't have any of the issues you refer to Jeans and I stand by my original post - it's a 1- off & Christmas - yes he has serious health issues, but the Op is not his mum & so I still think the Op IBU.

No, she's his wife. They have a family together and he has responsibilities which don't get bypassed because it's Christmas. Have you read the posts which outline what can happen? What, in fact, stand a good chance of happening if he drinks himself insensible?

And that's worth it, because it's Christmas?

Is it buggery.

I don't think you are being at all unreasonable. Your husband has serious health issues with his diabetes and his history with the head injury (if I understood you correctly, it was caused by him going into a hypo???). These two combined mean that he should not drink excessively, yet he ignored his consultant's advice and did just that.

He was very irresponsible. It isn't as if you have never had any cause to worry about things because as you say, he almost died about a year ago.

You can't force him to act on the medical advice, but you can impress upon him how his behaviour impacts not just on him, but on you and your child too, as you will have to pick up the pieces if he becomes ill again through his own stupidity.

To be honest, OP, I'm more shocked at the amount of "you're not his mum/let him have his fun" type comments than what your dh actually did! Both ignorant and naive and demonstrates a complete lack of consideration for your individual situation. Seems there are far too many people on MN that feel the need to advertise themselves as a great example of a forward-thinking, and laid back "progressive" spouse while simulataneously having a poke at your (quite reasonable, given the health issues) complaint. Hilarious and depressing at the same time.

Anyway, glad you sorted it out.

I think regardless of your DHs illness, if you care about someone you would want them to know you are safe if you are coming home a lot later than expected, this is the next day so is technically staying out over night without letting your OH know. DH and I are very laid back in what we do with regards to staying out/going out but neither of us would want the other to be worried about our safety, it is very selfish.

Well jeansthatfit, I guess people organise their lives differently. If either of us is going out, nothing is expected of the other the next day unless there is something going on. If there is something going on, there is a discussion about how that will be managed in conjunction with the person going out still getting out. If not, it is left to the person going out and they are expected whenever they turn up.

I don't expect to be told of a bender beforehand on the assumption that no one actually knows its going to be a bender in advance.

But that is just our house. It's not regarded as selfish entitled behaviour, its regarded as part of the outing for whoever is out. We find it a reasonable way of organising ourselves.

OP I haven't read the whole thread so apologies if this has been said but it sounds like he is in denial about his conditions and would benefit from diabetes counselling. Do you think he is in denial?

Do either of you have diabetes and a head injury then, Wilting?

Yanbu

To be upset & cross. It was very foolish for him to be soo late home.

Yabu

To wake him up, for what? He's rough and now he's rough awake and obv feeling like crap.
I suspect you woke him and then started to tell him how upset you are...probably why he lost it .

I hope you are both feeling better and that next time he's more careful & thoughtful

No you are not unreasonable. He worried the hell out of you and that was inconsiderate. But it sounds like he has a lot on his plate. A serious head injury. Diabetes. A young child. Maybe a tough job too. It sounds like a bit of a cry for help to me. Maybe he is feeling under a huge amount of pressure. A lot of men do at this family time of year. There may be some unresolved issues here that even he is not conscious of. It might be good to let gran or a friend take care of the little one for an hour or so while you two do something or go somewhere you feel comfortable and can chat. Don't let this thing fester.

OP I fully agree with jean and her anaysus of poster's reactions.

There are a lot of people on here who recoil at the word 'curfew' as they feel like they are treated as teenagers again and they can do what they bloody want to do.
The thing is you are right. When you are part of a family, your actions have an impact on other people and if you value your family you will take that into account.
That means also taking into account that as a dad there might be risks you shouldn't take anymore.

Fwiw if the implied agreement was for him to be back at 2.00am I would have been very worried about him coming back at 6.30am. And I wouldn't have slept either.
I would also have thought it was disrespectful to act like this.
And this wo talking about the health issues he has that make that sort if behaviour a real no go.

wilting your assumed agreement though us different from the one the IP gas with her husband.
Your agreement us that you will come back when you will. It could be 11.00pm or 2.00am or even 6.00am so the other partner will never get worried about you but being there at 3.00am.
The OP's expectation is that her DH would be back at 2.00am which he didn't. No wonder she was worried!
And angry, angry at the fact he didn't keep to his unspoken word, angry that he put himself in danger, angry that he scared her so much seen his health history.

I am not sure how you tell the OP she is wrong about that.

wilting, I may have misread your sentence - "If either of us is going out, nothing is expected of the other the next day unless something is going on."

If not - okay, then that is one big difference between our households. I wouldn't assume as the norm that my partner going out meant that they would be incapable/sleeping it off for the whole of the next day, and would automatically just be 'given the day off.' And I'd never insist I was treated like that.

I do rely on my partner to take family life and domestic tasks over singlehanded, and cancel/make whatever arrangements are necessary if I get ill and am bedridden, or very poorly. As I do when he is ill. But routinely, for the sake of a hangover.... no.

Maybe I misread the sentence, I do have some doubt!

No, that is how it would potentially work in our house although neither of us has ever actually taken a whole day!

Would definitely take the morning after a big night out however, and if one of us was stilll a bit "poorly", the other would probably take the kids off to the park on their own for a bit too...

Wouldn't happen all the time, we only get out occasionally... I don't really think of it as a day off somehow, you're still there...

If we go out together, we take it in turns to go back to bed sometimes!