Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be furious at DH for getting home at 6:40am this morning?

200 replies

polythenespam · 15/12/2013 09:57

I feel so annoyed with DH, I'm wondering whether I need some perspective.

He went out last night with people from work & finally rolled in, extremely drunk, at 6:40am. He has never come home that late before - we didn't discuss what time he planned to stay out until, but based on previously I thought it would be around 2am. He doesn't go out very often - this isn't a weekly occurence or anything like that.

We have a 2yo and so any notion of a family day has been written off now as he sleeps - and I'm left looking after DD all day. I have had very little sleep - probably around 2 hours - as I lay awake most of the night worrying about him.

To put my anxiety into context, last year DH suffered a serious head injury that could have killed him (not due to drinking I should add) & since then I suffer a lot of anxiety over his safety, whereabouts etc. Last night I rang him at 5:30 and asked him to come home; yet it was still over an hour until he did. He is also diabetic so I have good reason to worry if he is binge drinking as could trigger a hypo.

So, AIBU to be furious at him? I just feel that this isn't how you behave in a marriage with a young DC, rolling home in the actual morning. My dad never did this to my mum and I'm sure DH's dad never did either. It feels horribly disrespectful to me.

Or, do I just need to suck it up and deal with my anxieties?

OP posts:
maleview70 · 15/12/2013 10:28

A curfew wouldn't work with me that's for sure.

I love how when blokes misbehave a bit suddenly you want them to be like their dad or your dad.

Let it go. It's a one off. Just remind him that letting you know might be a good idea next time.

As for...."my first thought are he was with another women"

Why on earth would you think that? Pubs are open until 6am nowadays.

Xmas2013MN6233 · 15/12/2013 10:28

we are not our partners parents, argh.

Chewbecca · 15/12/2013 10:29

YABU

It is not a regular occurrence, it's Christmas.

Try not to spoil today with your cross-ness, be pleased he's had a great night, ask him to tell you funny stories.

eurochick · 15/12/2013 10:30

For me, it is really the diabetes that makes his behaviour unreasonable. I suspect some of the posters saying the OP is being unreasonable have never seen someone have a hypo. The alcohol could have made him really seriously ill, so I understand why the OP was so worried.

wannabedomesticgoddess · 15/12/2013 10:30

I think YABU. It was a one off. You had a reply at 3.30 so you knew he was ok.

He's a grown man, he knows he is diabetic, he knows he has had a head injury. Its his decision to drink to excess.

If this was every week I would say you had a point, but it was one time. He is a parent and he has responsibilities, but surely he can have one weekend off?

Xmas2013MN6233 · 15/12/2013 10:35

managing his diabetes is for him though, having a head injury is horrible for everyone, but also for him - he has to live with the consequences

I shake my head in despair at these sorts of threads

diddl · 15/12/2013 10:42

I don't think that YABU.

Sure, people deserve a night out.

But such that they can't function for much of the next day & expect their partner to do it all?

No way!

Ninasaurus · 15/12/2013 10:42

Yanbu

That is so disrespectful to not call you and to leave you worrying. He needs to make it up to you this afternoon and take dc out for a few hours so you can have a break and do something nice for yourself.

Yabu about his diabetes.

mollypup · 15/12/2013 10:42

I think 'he's a prick' is completely unreasonable! It's Christmas! Some people are so unnecessarily uptight about every. little. thing.

Yes he got in late but so what? It's happened now, be in a bit of a mood then move on!

mollypup · 15/12/2013 10:45

ninasaurus he did speak to her, at 5:30am.

jeansthatfit · 15/12/2013 10:46

It's not as simple as 'setting a curfew'. It's about agreeing reasonable behaviour. Asking that the father of your child and your partner comes home at a suitable time and in a fit state to do his share of the parenting isn't unreasonable, at all. Unless you're a doormat living in the 1950s.

The OP's partner has clearly done neither, under his own steam. The OP is quite reasonable in asking that he gets his act together, and initiating a conversation about what is a sensible time to get in on a night like that.

I think what tends to happen btw is that people get pissed and carried away on work do's. They tend to ignore 'curfews' - or, to call it a less silly name, times they have agreed they should come home. They also tend to egg each other on, which is a bit daft and adolescent.

The argument btw that it's totally fine for a parent to stay out all night and come in too pissed and hungover to do their share of parenting as long as the other partner does the same is ridiculous. Tit for tat bad behaviour goes nowhere.

jeansthatfit · 15/12/2013 10:51

Agreeing in advance that you, or your partner, is going to have a massive night out, so that the next day is a total write off, and Parent B is going to be doing it all themselves, is fine. Nothing wrong with letting your hair down - an all night bender around xmas time isn't that remarkable. Parent B can plan accordingly - it can all be accommodated.

Doing it out of the blue, when it's not what you've agreed, and leaving your partner with no choice but to pick up the peices is not fine. It is selfish, irresponsible and entitled behaviour.

I think everyone can tell the difference, surely.

ThedementedPenguin · 15/12/2013 10:51

YABVU.

I really don't get why nights out on here are such a big deal. If it was every weekend then yes he would be VU. However, give the man a chance to have some fun with his friends.

It is not his fault you are unable to sleep, maybe you should speak to someone about that.

Arrange for a bit of free time next weekend then all fair, right?

CranberrySaucyJack · 15/12/2013 10:53

But such that they can't function for much of the next day & expect their partner to do it all?

All of what?! Looking after their own kid for the morning? Wooo bloody hooo. I would hate to be the kind of person that thought spending time with my children on my own was A Big Deal.

Obviously it's different if one partner was doing it all the time, or if one partner didn't let the other one out on their own without out them.

But is one night off at Christmas really something to begrudge that much? Really? Really really? You're not joined at the hip. You are both still individuals who can and should occasionally enjoy spending time with other people.

FredFredGeorge · 15/12/2013 10:54

I actually know a lot of men who say they have a curfew and their wives/gf's etc. are demanding they return home at X. Most of them don't really have one, they just use that as an excuse rather than saying "I'm off, you're dull, I want to be watching Strictly."

Your anxieties aren't a reasonable reason for him to never go out, or to change his plans and enjoy a longer night out, nor is having a 2 year old. YABU.

GirlWithTheDirtyShirt · 15/12/2013 10:56

I don't think the 6:40am is the problem, it's the lack of communication. I am furious if DH doesn't set my expectations (and edit them if necessary) about when to expect him home. I don't actually give a flying fuck when he comes in after a night out, i do care if he's late as I worry.

jeansthatfit · 15/12/2013 10:58

No on has said looking after children on their own was a 'Big Deal'. What a strangely aggressive post.

Parenting means both parents pulling their weight, and treating the other parent with respect. Had the dad discussed in advance a big night out, and both parents agreed that the mum wouldn't expect the father to be pulling his weight on that particular day after - no problem.

Just dumping the consequences of a pissed night out on a partner? Selfish, irresponsible, entitled behaviour. A parent not pulling their weight but expecting their partner to pick up the pieces.

CombineBananaFister · 15/12/2013 11:00

I just don't see why people have to get so stupidly drunk to have a good time? Fine if you want to stay out until 6am but surely you don't have to drink for all of it, and I don't think that is being uptight, it's our ridiculous binge-drinking culture that makes it seem that way.

As for him being a grown man and making his own decisions, that would be ok if they don't have a direct impact on someoneelse, it's not that simple.
'oh, he's a grown man, he should manage his diabetes, you shouldn't worry about it'. Really? you don't worry about someones health who you care about and they make a bad choice which could make them very ill? Surely that's all part of being in a relationship. Be an individual but your decisions do affect each other.

I wouldn't stay mad but I would expect him to be up and functioning - don't do the crime if you can't do the time and all that.

diddl · 15/12/2013 11:03

"I would hate to be the kind of person that thought spending time with my children on my own was A Big Deal."

Hmm-yeah, because that's what having your partner in a fit state to help at the weekend means!

And what does their needing to spend most of the day in bed/not able to function say about what they think of time with the kids?

Writerwannabe83 · 15/12/2013 11:04

Why is everyone assuming he isn't going to get out of bed today???

Ladyglamalot · 15/12/2013 11:05

I suggest some of the more dense posters on here who are saying its no big deal should go and educate themselves about heavy drinking and diabetesHmm

I have seen 2 friends end up very poorly due to drinking and their diabetes-its bloody dangerous and completely irresponsible of the op's dh and who is going to be left to pick up the pieces if he becomes ill?-oh yes of course-the op!

Yanbu-I would be telling him in no uncertain terms when he finally rises that this behaviour is not acceptable.

specialsubject · 15/12/2013 11:06

binge drinking is the sign of a dick anyway. Binge drinking as a diabetic is a Darwin award waiting to happen.

tell him if he is going to do this again, he needs proper life insurance as it is quite possibly going to kill him. Oh, and BTW he is also expected to do some child care so his swilling days are over.

jeansthatfit · 15/12/2013 11:06

That's weird - I've noticed men before on work nights out claiming they have a 'curfew' from 'the wife' when they have nothing of the kind, but just want to go home because they've had enough. Seriously - one work colleague's wife, a few years ago, got tedious bit of banter in the office about 'hubby being under the thumb' when what she'd actually said was 'stay out as long as you like, just don't wake the whole house up when you come in.' She was furious about it - when she asked her dh why he had told 'the boys' that his wife wanted him home by x o'clock, he got really defensive - apparently he'd been tired and had a headache and just didn't want to keep going!

Why don't they just have the balls to say they want to go?

tanukiton · 15/12/2013 11:08

UM you are Yanbu and yabu. The diabetes and drinking, that is tricky. He knows that it is stupid and maybe can get away with one or two but all night? Really?
'The symptoms of too much alcohol and hypoglycemia can be similar – sleepiness, dizziness, and disorientation. You do not want anyone to confuse hypoglycemia for drunkenness, because they might not give you the proper assistance and treatment. The best way to get the help you need if you are hypoglycemic is to always wear an I.D. that says "I have diabetes."' and now you have to be on your guard for the next 24 hours, great !

LtEveDallas · 15/12/2013 11:10

I'd be pissed off too OP, and would worry that he was dead in a ditch somewhere - especially given the history.

He won't be capable at 11am, but might be this afternoon. I'd suggest giving him a kick at 2pm and going for a couple of hours kip yourself.

There's no point in being pissed off or angry with him though, drunks don't 'get it'. Just wake him up and say it's his turn, matter-of-factly, then try to catch up yourself.