to be furious at DH for getting home at 6:40am this morning?

[polythenespam]

I feel so annoyed with DH, I'm wondering whether I need some perspective.

He went out last night with people from work & finally rolled in, extremely drunk, at 6:40am. He has never come home that late before - we didn't discuss what time he planned to stay out until, but based on previously I thought it would be around 2am. He doesn't go out very often - this isn't a weekly occurence or anything like that.

We have a 2yo and so any notion of a family day has been written off now as he sleeps - and I'm left looking after DD all day. I have had very little sleep - probably around 2 hours - as I lay awake most of the night worrying about him.

To put my anxiety into context, last year DH suffered a serious head injury that could have killed him (not due to drinking I should add) & since then I suffer a lot of anxiety over his safety, whereabouts etc. Last night I rang him at 5:30 and asked him to come home; yet it was still over an hour until he did. He is also diabetic so I have good reason to worry if he is binge drinking as could trigger a hypo.

So, AIBU to be furious at him? I just feel that this isn't how you behave in a marriage with a young DC, rolling home in the actual morning. My dad never did this to my mum and I'm sure DH's dad never did either. It feels horribly disrespectful to me.

Or, do I just need to suck it up and deal with my anxieties?

Nanny Ogg I'm usually impressed by your down to be earth replies but
" an agreed curfew" between adults?

What is OP going to do if he breaks it?

OH and I are way past having small children in the house but the idea of agreeing curfews for the rare occasions one of us was out on the town when we had is just bizarre.

I didn't get a curfew off my parents when I went out so I wouldn't take one off a partner

Did those complaining about the OP having the temerity to set a curfew, miss the word 'agreed' ? As in, discussed and mutually decided upon?

And if he doesn't want a curfew like a teenager...? He hasn't agreed to it, it is currently all in the OPs head so there's nothing mutual about the idea at all.

Nanny Ogg I'm usually impressed by your down to be earth replies but "an agreed curfew" between adults?

Ta Caitlin. I just think the OP is expressing herself badly because she's so cross. I doubt she meant 'curfew' in the normal way.
Just an agreed plan between partners so that each knows what to expect and there's no worry was how I took it.
Many seem to think she would be imposing a time, but I don't think so.

An update

I got him out of bed at lunchtime. He said some horrible things to me, such as -
He doesn't give a fuck that he has diabetes
My anxieties are completely disproportionate
He stayed out so he wouldn't have to come home to me.

He has since cried (!) and apologised for being a twat. He has been useless today though, the whole day's been a write off and I've felt so tired it may as well have been me out all night drinking.

To those posters who think I am BU re his diabetes, I do wonder how they would feel had it been their DH who had a hypo, passed out & suffered a brain injury as a result, nearly died, was in hospital for a fortnight and off work for several weeks, whilst they had a young baby to look after too. Would they really be happy about them staying out all night drinking and risking it happening again

Oh poly, what a jerk. I'm sorry it came to this. Hopefully he's sobered up and is being decent now. FWIW I didn't think you were unreasonable before your explanation.

Maybe you should have that Life Insurance conversation after all.

It's awful that that happened to all of you, but it's awful for him living with it and being restricted by his health day in and day out. One slip up does not make him a terrible person.

You know you could have just left him sleep it off instead it became a total drama.

I think he'd be staying out again tonight... and tomorrow.... and the night after that... when I threw him out!

I would be furious, not because he'd stayed out 'til 6:40am (assuming this is a one-off) but because he'd left me worrying all night about his safety given his diabetes and previous head injury.

If he wants to have a once in a blue moon completely wild night with his mates, fine - presuming that you would be 'allowed' to do the same, of course. BUT it's just good manners to ensure that you know he's well and safe so you're not awake all night fretting over him, only to then spend the day looking after young children on next to no sleep while he snoozes off a hangover.

I know how you feel op-my dh did something very stupid once on a night out and got arrested-bil was also involved. I had a young baby at the time too. Now when he goes out I also worry myself sick even though it was years ago.

I hope that he realises how horrible he has been and gives you a true apology.

As usual there is some real sanctimonious shit on this thread.

It was a one off and the acting like a knobhead and saying horrible things, and then crying about it today sounds like he is suffering from the hangover from hell, which serves him right!

I can understand you're worried about the diabetes and the brain injury, it must be horrible, but he is a grown man and you cannot give him a curfew.

I'm not shocked by anything sanctimonious, quite the opposite... usually the cries of LTB are high on the page, but in this case it's the OP being slated, even when her dh said he stayed out to avoid coming home to her!?

I gave my husband a curfew . He rarely goes out and has the tendency to over do it when he does. He also gets quite argumentative when drunk and will insist im mad at him when im not - an example would be that he texts me and I don't immediately reply, he would follow that text up either two or three texts asking what was wrong within the space of two minutes! He is only ever like this when he is drunk. So, before his works party on Friday, I told him to have a great time, not to text me unless it was an emergency and that id only be mad at him if he came in at 5am and puked on the carpet. 2am is a reasonable time to expect a partner home unless they have pre-warned you it will be much later. Op, yanbu!

You don't need to give a curfew, just have the courtesy to let your partner know when you're coming home.

So, how did your day go OP?

Ah just saw the update

He was a twat for speaking to you the way he did, however I stand by my earlier post that some of the responses on here are ridiculously over the top.

I do have sympathises about OP losing sleep and worrying, but can't believe this would be a relationship breaker. He was drunk, now hungover and irritable. He possibly took risks given his history but he's human and everyone makes mistakes.
If this was a female OP who had been out late and DH was talking curfews, threatening to lock her out etc you'd all be horrified.
It's one day of the year. Some of the posters are outraged about the loss of quality time with his wife and child? Who on earth plans a nice family day following a boozy Christmas night out?? Can people not function by themselves with their children now and again without a partner by their sides? Really??
There was also a poster earlier who suggested that no-one over the age of 25 should stay out late at night. I didn't realise I was supposed to glue my slippers to my feet when I turned 26.
Jeez.

*sympathy

I'd be peeved, but no I wouldn't be as upset as you, yes I do have experience of diabetes.
You knew where he was and you knew he was ok.
I've done the same as him and I'm a reasonable wife and mother.
I'm sorry you have anxiety caused by his previous injury. I think you'd benefit from getting a CBT workbook to help rid you of your anxious thoughts.

Everyone is entitled to an opinion - I am just stating mine. I will say that having an alcoholic mother has had a huge impact on my ideas of parenting. If I wake up with so much as an inch of a hangover I feel guilty as hell on my sons behalf - he deserves better. As I say, probably just an effect of my own upbringing. Sanctimonious? Fair enough. I made the choice to have my son so I should act like an adult, not a teenager. Just my opinion.

Look, you're not his mum, it's up to him to manage his behaviour and health.

You sound utterly ur to me.

He went out, the night obviously went much better than anticipated. He's home, he's fine, he had a good time, god knows when he'll do it again, what on earth are you fussing about? If you thought 2am was "reasonable" presumably you didn't have an action packed family day planned anyway?

Have you never got carried away on a night out?

Is your life so joyless and regimented now that you can't imagine having a night out like that yourself anymore?

You made him cry? Ffs.

I don't want to be rude but get a grip.

he cried of his own accord. I didn't make him cry ffs.

my life isn't joyless. I do however have a lot of anxieties surrounding his health, as I have explained he nearly died last year. yes maybe I need a grip, silly old me having to deal with something stupid and traumatic like that.

Bit harsh wilting
OP was worried for fairly valid reasons but agree with you it's not really crime of the century. Just someone enjoying their night losing track of time.
It's some of the other posters reaction to a night out that went on a bit who need to get a grip IMO.
Hope you get a better sleep tonight OP.

you do need to get a grip, I have been through nightmare times, they have left me very anxious about certain things - not the same as you but believe me when I say equally devastating.

They are MY anxieties and I have to mange them, for myself and for the sake of my children and to allow them to lead a normal life.

I really sympathise, but you cannot treat him like a permanent invalid.

You don't have to 'deal with it', OP. Your husband has to deal with his diabetes. My brother is diabetic and, regardless of what anybody says, he will make his choices, he's an adult. If he's pushed and nagged (by my mum particularly), he gets defensive too and says he doesn't care. Of course he does and so does your husband but it sounds as if you got him up just because you could, not because he needed to be up. Did he? It sounds like it was a waste of time anyway and has just caused bad feeling with additional upset for you.

I know you were tired today and hopefully this is a one-off. It's not worth a row over just clear expectations of what happens if one of you is out later than expected. You should both be able to do that - and go home afterwards not dreading the repercussions of your misdemeanour of 'going out and staying out late'.

Your husband, presumably, is recovered from his head injury or he would be under medical supervision. Let him manage his own health because whatever you say or don't say will have no impact whatsoever.

Put today behind you and get some rest; talk tomorrow.