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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be furious at DH for getting home at 6:40am this morning?

200 replies

polythenespam · 15/12/2013 09:57

I feel so annoyed with DH, I'm wondering whether I need some perspective.

He went out last night with people from work & finally rolled in, extremely drunk, at 6:40am. He has never come home that late before - we didn't discuss what time he planned to stay out until, but based on previously I thought it would be around 2am. He doesn't go out very often - this isn't a weekly occurence or anything like that.

We have a 2yo and so any notion of a family day has been written off now as he sleeps - and I'm left looking after DD all day. I have had very little sleep - probably around 2 hours - as I lay awake most of the night worrying about him.

To put my anxiety into context, last year DH suffered a serious head injury that could have killed him (not due to drinking I should add) & since then I suffer a lot of anxiety over his safety, whereabouts etc. Last night I rang him at 5:30 and asked him to come home; yet it was still over an hour until he did. He is also diabetic so I have good reason to worry if he is binge drinking as could trigger a hypo.

So, AIBU to be furious at him? I just feel that this isn't how you behave in a marriage with a young DC, rolling home in the actual morning. My dad never did this to my mum and I'm sure DH's dad never did either. It feels horribly disrespectful to me.

Or, do I just need to suck it up and deal with my anxieties?

OP posts:
AdmiralData · 15/12/2013 12:15

Fucking typos. *of not for.

takingthathometomomma · 15/12/2013 12:15

Admiral really? I must be a terrible mum in that case. Admittedly it happens about once a year, but I do happen to enjoy the occasional night out, which sometimes doesn't end until about 6.40 am! However these are always planned in advance so there will be someone to look after DD in the morning.

Xmas2013MN6233 · 15/12/2013 12:17

of course it doesnt show contempt to be enjoying yourself on a rare night out or weekend away and want to prolong it - it shows - you are having a nice time

yes if there was work and no solution or for example a family wedding, but the OP has no work and nothing planned

Contempt for enjoying yourself more than expected - thats a new one on me

I hate the thought of going out - it takes too much effort, but I often enjoy it when I get there - DH knows that and would encourage me to make the most of it - its not contemptuous, its give and take, if it was happening all the time maybe that that is a very strange use of words

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 15/12/2013 12:21

I think YANBU about worrying for his health. It's frightening when the person affected doesn't pay heed to it BUT they're an adult and hopefully this is a one off so no long-term damage done.

About the time he got home? YABU. It was a work's 'do'/night out. They can run on sometimes. I was at a work's thing last week, strictly work for me and I wasn't drinking - I didn't get home until 4am because I was circulating and then had to drive people home. My husband was expecting me at around midnight. I sent him a text to say 'see you when I see you'.

I think YABU/YANBU about the childcare today - yes, you can look after your own children by yourself, they're yours BUT you're tired because you didn't sleep so it's understandable. I like the idea posted above that give your husband till this afternoon to sleep then wake him up and let him take over looking after the children. That seems fair. There's no need for structured 'family days' as far as I'm concerned; no need to be out every single weekend or have a raft of things planned. Stuff happens

I shuddered at the post where 'rip-roaring rows' would be considered acceptable. My husband would abuse me like that only ONCE; I wouldn't tolerate it again. Why is it that some women think they have the right to do this but when men do it it's a deal-breaker? It's beyond disgusting whoever does it. Hmm

Have a gentle day, OP. :)

Caitlin17 · 15/12/2013 12:21

Admiraldata I used to work in an office where it was traditional that the annual office party would end up at one of the partner 's houses and would go on all night.

Don't be so sanctimonious. The newly created human being will be just fine. If this was happening every week, then a huge problem, but a rare one-off is by no means the big deal you're making of it.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 15/12/2013 12:30

Yes, that made me cringe too. 'Newly created human being'... some people seem to be overly concerned at the control that they can exert by dint of having a child. A one-off, for either parent, should not be unmanageable for the remaining parent.

LivelySoul · 15/12/2013 12:40

YANBU

I think it is hugely disrespectful to roll home the following day drunk when you have a wife and child. If you have someone at home I think the latest you should really go home is the length of time it takes to travel home after the pub/club closes, not head on to an all night bar.

I would absolutely wake him up (if you haven't already) and leave DC with him for a couple of hours. He may think twice next time.

Branleuse · 15/12/2013 12:43

im assuming it was a christmas party thing?

Bumpandkind · 15/12/2013 12:50

YANBU, these are the actions of a selfish man child.

However if it really was a one off and he has suitably groveled for apologies I'd let it go and salvedge what's left of your W/E by doing something nice early evening such as a walk in the dark spotting Christmas decorations.

Pollydingdonmerrilyonhigh · 15/12/2013 12:51

YANBU at all, really surprised by the attitude of some of the posters on here, he is affecting your day today & that's not on.

stickysausages · 15/12/2013 13:03

Yanbu. This isn't being late home... this is not coming home until the next day. Besides the worry, it's disrespectful. I'd love to know how he'd feel if you stayed out all night.

juniorcakeoff · 15/12/2013 13:05

I think YABU. The only problem for me would be lack of communication. On his very rare nights out I don't care where he is or what time he gets home as long as, if he's going to stay somewhere else, he lets me know. Same goes for me, I expect to go out with no constant texts/questions and a free pass for a lie in the next morning.

The one time early in our relationship (preDC) where he did stay out (at his Mums) and didn't let me know, I had been quite worried but he tried to be all casual about it. The following Friday night I went for a drink with some friends, stayed out all night and came home in the morning cool as ice. Immature but lesson learnt.

The only thing I wouldn't be happy about is his all day next day skive - unless agreed in advance, you're up at 11 love.

CranberrySaucyJack · 15/12/2013 13:21

If this thread was reversed the OP would have been slammed for being a terrible mum.

On the female-empowered Mumsnet in the 21st century? I hardly think so.

In fact, if the situation were reversed and it were the OP whose DH was threatening her with a curfew, we'd all be telling her to LTB.

Caitlin17 · 15/12/2013 13:24

Polly affecting her day and that's not on? Are you serious? A one off work event that went on longer than expected and she can't cope?

As for all the "what if you did that?"news flash as others have said, some mothers do. The world didn't end, social services weren't involved,the OHs ,as mine did, get a large collection of brownie points to spend.

CloverkissSparklecheeks · 15/12/2013 13:25

I don't understand anyone saying that this is ok. I have no problem with DH going out till any time he likes but I would object to him rolling in at 640 without so much as a text to say its going to be a really late one. I would be really worried something bad had happened.

I do it quite often (till 3 or 4am) but once it gets to midnight or 1am I let him know what's going on, same with him and if either of us forget to text we would just text to say are you ok etc.

CloverkissSparklecheeks · 15/12/2013 13:29

It was the lack of communication that was bad, not going out till 640 IMO. I ended up drinking more than I had planned last weekend so couldn't drive the DCs to their sports stuff so DH happily did it so I could sleep in. If I had not bothered to let him know I was going to be in a 4am instead of midnight ish I am not sure he would have been so obliging!

jeansthatfit · 15/12/2013 13:31

mummysanta - you're making me laugh now. Why on earth - on earth?? - would you think that someone's partner would have contempt for them enjoying themselves? How bizarre!

I think 'contempt' comes into play with entitled behaviour. The idea that someone else's life and plans should be arranged at a moment's notice, in order for the other partner to do whatever they want, whenever they want.

I admit, both myself and my DP have a lot of work on, and two pre-school children, as well as other social and family commitments. Perhaps if we had less in our lives in general, we would be more casual about how we did things, in terms of their impact on each other's lives. Certainly, if a day of shared parenting suddenly became just me having to look after children all day, because my partner was too hungover to do his share, it would mean me cancelling arrangements with friends and having to reschedule work. Not great for me or them.

I am also a feminist and have expectations of respect and shared parenting, so it wouldn't be ideal from that POV either.

WhoNickedMyName · 15/12/2013 13:39

Oh I just love the idea of giving a grown man a curfew Grin

What will you do if he breaks it... Stop his pocket money, take his x box away or will you bring out the big guns and tell him he's grounded for a fortnight?

NurseRoscoe · 15/12/2013 13:40

I think he is unreasonable for putting his health at risk, that is very irresponsible. Other than that, he shouldn't of stayed out for that long without pre warning you so you could of gotten some sleep & made plans for you and your daughter the next day, it's selfish!

Bloodyteenagers · 15/12/2013 13:41

It was a one off. Let it go.
He wasn't ignoring you. He answered/text in response to you.
Have you never been out, having such a great time and simply lost track of time? It happens. If my partner tried setting a curfew for me, I would laugh in his face.. FFS, curfews. You aren't parents to partners.

SteamWisher · 15/12/2013 13:43

YANBU.

Why does anyone feel the need to do this beyond the age of 25? Can people really not stand to miss out so they have to stay out and get drunk?

This guy has diabetes ffs and didn't tell his wife when he'd be home.

It's rude and childish.

Caitlin17 · 15/12/2013 13:50

I think he texted her around 3, if it were me I'd either be annoyed he hadn't texted me an update; alternatively I might have been equally annoyed if he had and it woke me. I think if I'd been told at 3 he was alive and well and still out the next I'd have known was when I heard him come in at 20 to 7.

As for spoiling the family day, OP hasn't given any indication there was anything special planned which was ruined. There will be plenty of other days.
As for "shared parenting" how is that affected by his being possibly not fully available today?

MummySantaHoHoHo · 15/12/2013 13:51

I consider myself to be a feminist - nothing would have to be rearranged or I or Dh would go alone worth children of this happened - I don't get it being anti feminist either as long as its a 2 way street

Caitlin17 · 15/12/2013 13:53

SteamWisher you sound a right bundle of fun. I don't drink much but staying out all night occasionally, although more likely with friends than work, is still fun and I'm twice 25.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 15/12/2013 13:57

I'm probably the only one that despises the term 'shared parenting' and all of the other buzz-phrases that seem to spring up.

When did parenting become such a mechanical thing? We're not animals doing day to day robotic tasks required for nurturing our young. If all it comes down to is breeding and stipulating who does what and when and measuring it all so earnestly then perhaps some people would do better not to bother at all?

For me, parenthood is to use a descriptive but bit of a 'twee' term a 'journey'. You undertake to do your best for your children and for your partner also, making mistakes along the way and with plenty of elastic (for both partners) and love and caring for all, as you go.

Not this... 'He did this, she did that', feeling aggrieved and keeping 'score'.

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