Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Husband going to pub on Christmas Day

608 replies

lettucelamp · 11/12/2013 21:04

I need some advice, because I can't stop turning something over in my head. This is my first time posting so please be gentle with me Grin and it's a bit long winded!

My husband and I are hosting Christmas Day dinner at our house for the first time this year. I was really looking forward to it; it will be my inlaws coming but generally I get along with his parents very well, it's a bit up and down with his siblings but I'm not really worried, potentially just his sister coming as well, and my immediate family won't be there as they're going away for Christmas.

It was a bit of a Christmas tradition for my husband to go to the pub on Christmas day just before lunch was ready with his Dad, Grandad and brothers but his Grandad passed away a few years ago now, and we haven't had Christmas dinner with as a couple with his parents before (my mums last year, he insisted we have it on our own the previous two years, not living together prior to that).

Anyway so the other day he informed me that he was planning on going for a drink this Christmas day, just before lunch with his Dad (and undoubtedly any of his siblings that end up coming) and me and his Mum would have to stay behind with the dinner!

AIBU to be a bit upset about this?

I feel like it's a) completely sexist b) completely unfair that I'll be left to finish the cooking on my own and c) not right to divide the family group on Christmas day!

He said it in front of his Mum, and I acted a bit put out but in a kind of joking way, his Mum said she wouldn't mind stopping so I could go with them but I feel like that's not the point.

Had a big argument about it when we got home, and I feel torn. Part of me feels like it is only half an hour and he's normally a very good husband, doesn't go out often, and doesn't really ask for much but on the other hand I think it's sexist and exclusionary. Tried to work out a compromise but he won't go after lunch, won't go before lunch is starting to be cooked. Said he won't go as I'd "spoiled it now" and I ended up backing down/grovelling to him a bit! But I feel like the idea of being left cooking the dinner has spoilt Christmas Day a bit for me now - was really looking forward to it, now I'm dreading it a bit.

I can't decide if I'm being overly dramatic or if I'm right to not like the idea, and I want to get some perspective. What do you think - AIBU?

OP posts:
RedLondonBus · 11/12/2013 21:07

Dreading it? You are being dramatic!

nkf · 11/12/2013 21:08

It's only half an hour. Make other people do the dishes.

Quejica · 11/12/2013 21:10

Put the dinner on and go too. Then all of you finish it when you get back.
That's what we do.

Binkyridesagain · 11/12/2013 21:10

Everybody goes to the pub for half an hour whilst the things that go in the oven are cooking, come back and put the veg on, approx. 30 mins later every one eats dinner.

Finney2 · 11/12/2013 21:10

Crikey. YABU. It's just half an hour.

Can you not compromise and ask him to do the dishes and clean the kitchen afterwards?

AhoyMcCoy · 11/12/2013 21:11

Used to be that way in my house until a few years ago. Now we ALL go to the pub! Turkey is cooked overnight, then everything else goes in the oven before we leave for pub. Veg is cut and prepared in water on the hob, and goes on when we get in at about 4pm.

Sure, the food probably isn't as amazing as if I'd spent hours slaving over it, but hell, we're all drunk, no-one cares!! Grin

deadduck · 11/12/2013 21:11

Overly dramatic and AIBU. If it's a bit of a tradition, let them get on with it, it's only an hour. When I read your title, I thought he'd be buggering off all night or something. He can do the dishes after Grin

WilsonFrickett · 11/12/2013 21:11

It is their tradition. Now, I agree it's a sexist tradition, but it's their tradition none the less. I honestly wouldn't sweat this one and I am usually very keen to stamp down hard on anything that takes me away from the pub!

FredFredGeorge · 11/12/2013 21:12

YABU - you can easily manage the dinner that you can all go along to if you want, and it's a tradition that they can continue in memory of their granddad / father.

If you're not invited under any circumstances, or if it's for a long time, or if you are genuinely expected to do everything at home then YWNBU, but it doesn't really sound like that.

deadduck · 11/12/2013 21:12

YABU, sorry Blush

WilsonFrickett · 11/12/2013 21:12

Well there's your answer - why didn't I think of that? Sling the bird in the oven and all go!

firefly78 · 11/12/2013 21:12

Let him go. My husband used to do this with his Dad and this year will be our first Xmas without his Dad.

clam · 11/12/2013 21:12

I agree with you - it's sexist and excluding you. Why the bloody hell should everyone else jolly off don the pub leaving you at home like Cinderella? So, if you said, "Oh! Trip to the pub. Great idea. Let's all go," he'd presumably say, "oh, but lettuce, you need to stay home and get our lunch ready."
In what CENTURY is he living? Shock

BitOutOfPractice · 11/12/2013 21:13

YABU - it's his family tradition, it's only half an hour, and he is typically lovey.

Really, you need to unclench!

Bowlersarm · 11/12/2013 21:14

I can see why your annoyed OP.

I would go to the pub, and come back early to start/finish Christmas dinner.

ShatnersBassoon · 11/12/2013 21:14

It seems fine to me. Sometimes men like being together without their partners. A swift pint with his dad sounds very nice.

Trills · 11/12/2013 21:14

My family's Christmas tradition involved everyone going to the pub, during the period when things that needed to be in the oven for a long time were IN the oven, and things that needed a short amount of attention didn't need it quite yet.

clam · 11/12/2013 21:15

Bollocks to "let him go, it's a tradition." He's married now, and this "tradition" means disrespecting his wife and treating her like a second-class citizen.
For the record, my dh does all the cooking, always, in our house. I would not DREAM of buggering off out of the house with all the guests leaving him to it. It'd be a horrible thing to do.

Bowlersarm · 11/12/2013 21:15

Oh, YANBU.

misskatamari · 11/12/2013 21:15

When reading your op I thought you were going to say he wanted to bugger off for ages - if it's only half an hour surely that's no big deal. It's a family tradition for him, yes it might be a bit "sexist" but I think it's more just that's what he's always done with his family - he's not trying to exclude you purposefully and keep you chained to the kitchen. It really doesn't seem like something to make a fuss over. I imagine you're doing a roast anyway so get him to help with all the prep the day before or that morning and by the time he's at the pub there won't be much to do anyway. You and mil can have a glass of Buck's Fizz and keep an eye on the oven then all have a lovely lunch when the men folk return. I agree with them washing up tho Wink

dementedma · 11/12/2013 21:15

Genuinely surprised at all the folks off to the pub on Christmas day.
Are all the pub goers child free?

clam · 11/12/2013 21:16

"Sometimes men like being together without their partners."
Fine, but NOT on Christmas Day when there's a shit-load of work to be done to get lunch ready.

Bogeyface · 11/12/2013 21:16

Dreading it? You are being dramatic!

Why?! Cooking Xmas lunch can be a massive undertaking when you know that there is a pair of hands you can rely on. When that pair of hands is removed and you are left with a helper who you have never cooked with before, it could be awful. I would dread it too and I've cooked Xmas dinner for 14 every year for the last 12 years!

I feel like it's a) completely sexist b) completely unfair that I'll be left to finish the cooking on my own and c) not right to divide the family group on Christmas day!

A) yes, totally right. The men fucking off the pub while the little ladies stay at home with a small glass of sherry between them and do all the hard work is fucking archaic! Tell him the 50's called and want their sexism back!

B) Also right. Why does he get to fuck off and leave you to it? In our family everyone gets involved, I do pigs in blankets and stuffing, Dsis and BIL do gammon and roast spuds, DParents do veg. We all do our bit of peeling, stuffing, scraping, rolling, cooking. We all enjoy it far more as no one person is left sitting at the table, barely eating and looking like a chewed rag.

C) I am torn on this as we are close family, so half of the family buggering off for a couple of hours on Xmas day wouldnt bother us in that respect. But, taken in conjunction with a) & b), would just be another resentful nail in the coffin of Xmas day!

YANBU and he is acting like a child with "NO! I wont go! You've spoilt it now, I will just stay here and do NOTHING!!"

Arse.

clam · 11/12/2013 21:16

Just reading all the recent posts. What is the MATTER with you all? Have I wandered into the 1950s by mistake?

BohemianGirl · 11/12/2013 21:17

Do get a grip. He is spending half and hour with his father in his Grandfathers memory.

Christmas Lunch Drinky was the only time my late FIL ever set foot in a pub.

Blokes CAN do bloke things you know. If you want to go to the pub, you go or half an hour with MIL after they come back.

Swipe left for the next trending thread