Husband going to pub on Christmas Day

[lettucelamp]

I need some advice, because I can't stop turning something over in my head. This is my first time posting so please be gentle with me and it's a bit long winded!

My husband and I are hosting Christmas Day dinner at our house for the first time this year. I was really looking forward to it; it will be my inlaws coming but generally I get along with his parents very well, it's a bit up and down with his siblings but I'm not really worried, potentially just his sister coming as well, and my immediate family won't be there as they're going away for Christmas.

It was a bit of a Christmas tradition for my husband to go to the pub on Christmas day just before lunch was ready with his Dad, Grandad and brothers but his Grandad passed away a few years ago now, and we haven't had Christmas dinner with as a couple with his parents before (my mums last year, he insisted we have it on our own the previous two years, not living together prior to that).

Anyway so the other day he informed me that he was planning on going for a drink this Christmas day, just before lunch with his Dad (and undoubtedly any of his siblings that end up coming) and me and his Mum would have to stay behind with the dinner!

AIBU to be a bit upset about this?

I feel like it's a) completely sexist b) completely unfair that I'll be left to finish the cooking on my own and c) not right to divide the family group on Christmas day!

He said it in front of his Mum, and I acted a bit put out but in a kind of joking way, his Mum said she wouldn't mind stopping so I could go with them but I feel like that's not the point.

Had a big argument about it when we got home, and I feel torn. Part of me feels like it is only half an hour and he's normally a very good husband, doesn't go out often, and doesn't really ask for much but on the other hand I think it's sexist and exclusionary. Tried to work out a compromise but he won't go after lunch, won't go before lunch is starting to be cooked. Said he won't go as I'd "spoiled it now" and I ended up backing down/grovelling to him a bit! But I feel like the idea of being left cooking the dinner has spoilt Christmas Day a bit for me now - was really looking forward to it, now I'm dreading it a bit.

I can't decide if I'm being overly dramatic or if I'm right to not like the idea, and I want to get some perspective. What do you think - AIBU?

No its not that difficult for the little wifey to crack on with dinner while the menfolk get shitfaced-did I time travel to mn of the 1950's btw?

Yanbu - it IS sexist! All the men fuck off to enjoy a wee, relaxing Christmas tipple, while the womenfolk stay home and slave over the dinner? Naaaahhhh.
It's a crap tradition.

YANBU OP. I am with you and clam, men buggering off to the pub and leaving the laydees to do the work is sexist bollocks. Some posters on here are weird.

Yanbu, it's the way it's been done and the sulkiness afterwards when you pulled him up on it that's irritating more than the 'men off to pub' thing itself isn't it?!

Gosh, just go along too.

I don't get women sometimes.

I'm another one who does both. Everybody piles in to start the dinner, everybody goes to the pub, everybody comes back & finishes the cooking, everybody eats :)

The 'traditionalists' among you might like a reminder that, in the bad old days when the wimmin did all the cooking & washing up - the pub belonged to them on Boxing Day! They spent the whole day getting legless together, while the men had to mind the children & sort out dinner.

I think you should all go to the pub and put the bird in the oven on your return or while you're out

Why am I put in mind of that Asda advert last year, that MN got all furious and judgey about? The one that seemed to think that mums ran themselves ragged doing everything for Christmas while their selfish and hapless families sat around doing sod all or nipping off to the pub.
"This isn't the 1950s," was the collective MN cry. What happened to all that?

A) it won't be half an hour

B) the OP hasn't been invited, but been told she has to stay at home. How rude! I would be seething.

either all go to the pub and sort dinner together when you get back, or go together after dinner, and "allow" him to go and tell them that they will be doing the dishes while you and your MIL sit down with a bottle of wine.

YABU.

DH probably just wants a little one-to-one time with his dad. Both you and DH can share the cooking in the morning, then you take care of the things whilst DH and dad have their pint for a half hour or so. After lunch the men can clear up whilst you relax. Nothing sexist about that- just division of labour.

It's a Christmas tradition with his dad. Let him go I really wouldn't have a problem with that or start a new one. Bung dinner in and all go!!

or allow him, not and.

And all those saying "it's only half an hour" are SO missing the point.

Well, it isn't difficult and they can do the dishes. Dishes aren't difficult either. Christmas dinner is one of the few meals it's actually worth cooking because you usually get loads of thanks. It's the day in day out dishing up that's a pain.

Anyway, you can see it through a feminist prism if you want, but I don't think I'd care much.

Right, so you have two choices, either a) bird in the oven and all go, or b) refuse to cook the dinner, his family, he can host. If he can do it and still spare the half a hour to go out, fine, but no, you won't be his skivvy in the kitchen while the men go out having fun. And no, you won't tolerate him making his mum do the work for him to host his family so he can go out.

Or you can do c) go wherever your parents are and leave them to it. Refuse to host again until he is prepared to accept it's your christmas day too, it's not your job to make it a great day for everyone else. It's as much his job to make sure you have a nice christmas.

Perhaps the op doesn't want to sit and talk about wimmin's stuff with the mil and would far rather join the blokes down the pub-just a thought?

As for that ASDA mum, she was a tedious control freak.

So, divisive and sexist practices are now being dressed up as Christmas traditions, are they?

The attitudes on this thread are unbelievable!

But the OP can go. MIL has offered to stay and do the lunch.
I wouldn't mind if they were only half an hour to an hour. And for what it's worth if I ever cook Christmas dinner I can't stop DH interfering with the cooking. So it ends up being shared or him doing it.
Christmas Day is a supposed to be a Happy day.

Is he a northerner by any chance? You can't go to the pub you'll be branded a pudding burner ho ho ho!

What's with the wine/sherry suggestions? You need fizz at the very least. Later in the festive break you'll be dreaming of a peaceful hour with a glass in your hand

Unless you are also being left with toddlers, YABU I think.

"Tell him the 50's called and want their sexism back!"

I'm surprised at the the YABUS I assumed most would think this was a bit outdated!

Half an hour's fine but it's the whole timing of it and the sense of it being a tradition to "leave the women folk to the kitchen and dinner will be ready when we get back" that I don't like...

I don't think I'd like it either YANBU

In all seriousness, does anyone ever go the pub for half an hour? I don't think so. It'll be an hour and half at least. Either you all go or no-one goes. Or the men do all the washing up afterwards. And that means dryin up too and not leaving anything helpfully 'to soak'
YANBU

Mil offered to hold the fort so the op could go-her dh didn't invite her and expected her to stay home with no fuss-its hardly the same.

This is one of the reasons I am refusing to have the inlaws for xmas this year. Dh is furious but I would be left to do everything while he sits and gets pissed with his dad-not bloody happening!