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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband going to pub on Christmas Day

608 replies

lettucelamp · 11/12/2013 21:04

I need some advice, because I can't stop turning something over in my head. This is my first time posting so please be gentle with me and it's a bit long winded!

My husband and I are hosting Christmas Day dinner at our house for the first time this year. I was really looking forward to it; it will be my inlaws coming but generally I get along with his parents very well, it's a bit up and down with his siblings but I'm not really worried, potentially just his sister coming as well, and my immediate family won't be there as they're going away for Christmas.

It was a bit of a Christmas tradition for my husband to go to the pub on Christmas day just before lunch was ready with his Dad, Grandad and brothers but his Grandad passed away a few years ago now, and we haven't had Christmas dinner with as a couple with his parents before (my mums last year, he insisted we have it on our own the previous two years, not living together prior to that).

Anyway so the other day he informed me that he was planning on going for a drink this Christmas day, just before lunch with his Dad (and undoubtedly any of his siblings that end up coming) and me and his Mum would have to stay behind with the dinner!

AIBU to be a bit upset about this?

I feel like it's a) completely sexist b) completely unfair that I'll be left to finish the cooking on my own and c) not right to divide the family group on Christmas day!

He said it in front of his Mum, and I acted a bit put out but in a kind of joking way, his Mum said she wouldn't mind stopping so I could go with them but I feel like that's not the point.

Had a big argument about it when we got home, and I feel torn. Part of me feels like it is only half an hour and he's normally a very good husband, doesn't go out often, and doesn't really ask for much but on the other hand I think it's sexist and exclusionary. Tried to work out a compromise but he won't go after lunch, won't go before lunch is starting to be cooked. Said he won't go as I'd "spoiled it now" and I ended up backing down/grovelling to him a bit! But I feel like the idea of being left cooking the dinner has spoilt Christmas Day a bit for me now - was really looking forward to it, now I'm dreading it a bit.

I can't decide if I'm being overly dramatic or if I'm right to not like the idea, and I want to get some perspective. What do you think - AIBU?

OP posts:

someonestolemynick · 11/12/2013 21:33

My response to this would be:" Ok, you get to go to the pub with your dad befor dish up, but you do all the early morning stuff while I lie in/ you do the dishes while I go to the pub/ read a book....

It's only sexist, if you allow it to be.

ViviDeHohohoVoir · 11/12/2013 21:33

Clam has pretty much said everything I want to say.
What a load of sexist cobblers.
Who cares if it's 'only half an hour'? it won't be
It's the fact that OP is excluded from the outset, simply because she is a woman.
Just because they've 'always done it' and it's a 'tradition' is a cop out.
How about the men stay at home, cook the turkey on a barbecue as that's what men do and talk about football while the women go out?
I suppose the women ought to stay at home and cook because it's Christmas and all the shops/hairdressers/nail salons are closed so they can't do 'women' things.

lilyaldrin · 11/12/2013 21:34

No chance would I stay home and cook dinner while DP went to the pub!

Either all of you go, or he can wait til after dinner's been eaten and cleared up.

TheGhostOfPortoPast · 11/12/2013 21:34

Alternative is to make him responsible for dinner and then HE can stick the turkey in and go to the pub?

ShatnersBassoon · 11/12/2013 21:34

I bugger off out for the day with my mum every Christmas Eve. DH is never invited, I don't ask if I'm allowed, it's time for me and my mum to spend together. DH has to sort out a lot of things at home in readiness for the next day whilst I'm enjoying myself.

Not really different to op's problem, except I'm a woman deciding that the workload falls to a man for that period. Is it sexist for me to do this?

DontmindifIdo · 11/12/2013 21:34

But MPB - that's still a clear view that it's a woman's job to do the work of christmas. Men can have the fun, woman can join in only if they can fit it round their work on the day. And how crap a host would the OP and her DH be if they went out to the pub and made their guest stay at their home cooking the meal they were invited to eat? That's so rude!

The PIL are the guests, the OP and her DH are the hosts, both of them.

clam · 11/12/2013 21:34

And I'm no feminist, particularly - I have no doubt in my mind that I'm every bit as important and valuable as any man, so it's not really an issue for me.
I do, however, strongly believe in fairness. And this doesn't sound fair to me. it's one thing posters on here saying "I wouldn't mind a bit of peace and quiet," but that's not the point either. The OP has said she's not happy with the idea, therefore it's a shit suggestion on the part of her dh. And as for the martyred sulking about it afterwards!!!!

Bowlersarm · 11/12/2013 21:34

But the OP can go

No. Her DH said she can't go. me and his mum would have to stay behind with the dinner! is what she was informed by her 'D' H.

cricketballs · 11/12/2013 21:34

Christmas Day is the only time I put my foot down and say DH can not go the pub his mates give him loads but I don't give in!

TheGhostOfPortoPast · 11/12/2013 21:35

I am planning presents, nice walk on seafront, pub then home to stick all my ready prepared stuff in oven for an hour. Then wine and sleeping.

Bogeyface · 11/12/2013 21:36

The 'traditionalists' among you might like a reminder that, in the bad old days when the wimmin did all the cooking & washing up - the pub belonged to them on Boxing Day! They spent the whole day getting legless together, while the men had to mind the children & sort out dinner.

Yeah and you know what else is a Christmas tradition? The employers serving the servants, the officers serving the enlisted me so basically the "betters" serving the "underlings".

How fucking patronising! One day a year? You can fucking keep it!

BorisJohnsonsHair · 11/12/2013 21:36

I think YABU, but I can see where you're coming from. Maybe with his granddad dying it sort of means more to him to go with his dad? I would compromise somehow; either all go, or you go next time/on a different occasion?

pianodoodle · 11/12/2013 21:38

Is this a tradition in certain areas that I haven't heard of?

If the OP decides to go with them might she be confronted with a pub full of sons and dads wondering what she's doing out of her place?!

frumpet · 11/12/2013 21:38

My dad and brother have done this for years , the only difference being that my dad always cooks christmas dinner , so he goes in the half hour that the meat is resting . Suits us as a family , my mother and i dont go to the pub as it is usually rammed with people who only ever go on christmas day and their long lost relatives !

clam · 11/12/2013 21:40

or you go next time/on a different occasion

How's that going to work then? The issue here is that the OP doesn't fancy being left at home like Cinderella with her mil, copping for all the cooking while "the men" nip off out for a jolly ON CHRISTMAS DAY. Her going to the pub a fortnight later on a Wednesday, is hardly going to help.

dementedma · 11/12/2013 21:40

Wow. Dh is a fairly heavy drinker and loves beer but wouldn't dream of going to the pub on Christmas day! It's time to be home with the dcs, not off to the boozer.
However db and sil whom have no dcs enjoy their Christmas pub time so I suppose each to his/her own

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 11/12/2013 21:41

The H is being a twat for saying his wife employee has to stay home and cook.

The OP is not in the wrong at all.

clam · 11/12/2013 21:43

He's also being a twat for sulking about it and forcing her to back-track.

Bogeyface · 11/12/2013 21:43

Clam how old are you?

I only ask because I know that a lot of women younger than me say "I am not particularly feminist, but I do expect equality" which warms my heart, because it means thats what my mothers generation and to a much lesser extent mine, fought for. For equality to be the norm and not the exception.

Except at Christmas obviously, because of tradition

MimiSunshine · 11/12/2013 21:44

I wouldn't be happy either, mostly because you've both agreed to host (I assume both of you did, not just you) and you assumed this meant you would do it together.
I bet this tradition started with his mum shooing them out if the door but if you don't want to carry it on then that's fine. I doubt he gave the pub any more thought than "oh it'll be nice to do that with my dad" rather than planning to exclude you. But assumed you'd be happy with it (initially).

If I were you, I'd sit down with him and say it's not that you mind him going but you do mind being left at home to cook and you want to start your own (him and you) traditions so what does he suggest?

Realistically the options are:
No one goes
You all go
He goes while you cook and you go while he cleans up (and bloody well do, I guarrentee he'll regret it)

Bogeyface · 11/12/2013 21:45

Sorry, the sentence made no sense! I shall try again.....

I only ask because I know that a lot of women younger than me say "I am not particularly feminist, but I do expect equality" which warms my heart, because thats what my mothers generation and to a much lesser extent mine, fought for and it means we won.

ExcuseTypos · 11/12/2013 21:46

YANBU

My Dh used to do this, before we got married. I told him if he wanted to carry on that tradition (and a few more that seem to come along with a farming family) then I wouldn't be marrying him.

The problem is that I'd witnessed their 'Oh we'll just have a few down the pub before Sunday lunch' tradition. Where they were gone for an hour but came back having downed 4 pints each and completely pished.

Maybe I'm mean but after 24 years of not going to the pub in Xmas day, and instead spending time with his father, brother, grandfather, mother, wife and children, my DH seems to have survived.

We now ALL spend the hour before Xmas lunch having canapés and champagne. Much more civilised.

formerbabe · 11/12/2013 21:47

I think it's fine tbh...I remember my dad doing the same thing at Xmas. I would be quite happy to have him out of my hair so I could get on with the cooking, but I love to cook and do housewifey things so maybe I'm different.

KrabbyPatty · 11/12/2013 21:47

I'd like to say I am redressing the balance somewhat, as I can't believe how old fashioned some are on here.

I don't shop, prep or cook Christmas dinner or any meal any other time of the year.

My dh does it all as he loves it. But if I was going to the pub, he would definitely be joining me.

clam · 11/12/2013 21:47

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