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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband going to pub on Christmas Day

608 replies

lettucelamp · 11/12/2013 21:04

I need some advice, because I can't stop turning something over in my head. This is my first time posting so please be gentle with me Grin and it's a bit long winded!

My husband and I are hosting Christmas Day dinner at our house for the first time this year. I was really looking forward to it; it will be my inlaws coming but generally I get along with his parents very well, it's a bit up and down with his siblings but I'm not really worried, potentially just his sister coming as well, and my immediate family won't be there as they're going away for Christmas.

It was a bit of a Christmas tradition for my husband to go to the pub on Christmas day just before lunch was ready with his Dad, Grandad and brothers but his Grandad passed away a few years ago now, and we haven't had Christmas dinner with as a couple with his parents before (my mums last year, he insisted we have it on our own the previous two years, not living together prior to that).

Anyway so the other day he informed me that he was planning on going for a drink this Christmas day, just before lunch with his Dad (and undoubtedly any of his siblings that end up coming) and me and his Mum would have to stay behind with the dinner!

AIBU to be a bit upset about this?

I feel like it's a) completely sexist b) completely unfair that I'll be left to finish the cooking on my own and c) not right to divide the family group on Christmas day!

He said it in front of his Mum, and I acted a bit put out but in a kind of joking way, his Mum said she wouldn't mind stopping so I could go with them but I feel like that's not the point.

Had a big argument about it when we got home, and I feel torn. Part of me feels like it is only half an hour and he's normally a very good husband, doesn't go out often, and doesn't really ask for much but on the other hand I think it's sexist and exclusionary. Tried to work out a compromise but he won't go after lunch, won't go before lunch is starting to be cooked. Said he won't go as I'd "spoiled it now" and I ended up backing down/grovelling to him a bit! But I feel like the idea of being left cooking the dinner has spoilt Christmas Day a bit for me now - was really looking forward to it, now I'm dreading it a bit.

I can't decide if I'm being overly dramatic or if I'm right to not like the idea, and I want to get some perspective. What do you think - AIBU?

OP posts:
Tabliope · 12/12/2013 21:16

fgs Mistress, have you not read the lettuce's comments? - she has compromised. She made suggestions for a compromise yet you're saying here again there has to be some compromise and at some stage compromise will come into it. SHE'S ALREADY TRIED TO COMPROMISE - HE DIDN'T WANT TO COMPROMISE! Why should she keep trying to compromise when he's not bothering to compromise?

All I get from your last post is 'cave in woman to keep your man sweet'. This is not the 1950s. To repeat - she has compromised. Now it's his turn to compromise. Bloody hell, how many more times do we have to say it? It's like you're not reading people's posts - or if you are you don't get it.

Tabliope · 12/12/2013 21:18

Oh now you say in your second comment the compromise has to be more on his part - maybe you have got it. What more can lettuce do? She's shown she's prepared to compromise but he isn't. The ball is in his court. No one is saying realistically ltb but she has a right to say she's not happy about it and expect him to listen to her and respond fairly, maturely, and with consideration. That's all shes asking.

ExitPursuedByAChristmasGrinch · 12/12/2013 21:21

I think everyone needs to calm down

5HundredUsernamesLater · 12/12/2013 21:24

Your right CLAM i haven't read all the thread as I started my post and then come back to it later and finished it but I still would say much the same.
If I wanted to go to the pub I would go regardless of wether he wanted me to or not and if I didn't want to go I would stay at home. If he can do as he likes then so would I.
And you really don't have to be so rude.

ZeViteVitchofCwismas · 12/12/2013 21:38

I just couldn't stand in the kitchen peeling a spud and feeling like a drudge whilst Dh and family were out at a pub with lots of buzz and banter going on.

I just would not do it.

ZeViteVitchofCwismas · 12/12/2013 21:38

I agree with Basil she has summed it up the problem is, as she says, its in his un cousniousness.

squeakytoy · 12/12/2013 21:45

what a lot of projection by so many people...

he has not said she cant go

"Had a big argument about it when we got home, and I feel torn. Part of me feels like it is only half an hour and he's normally a very good husband, doesn't go out often, and doesn't really ask for much but on the other hand I think it's sexist and exclusionary. Tried to work out a compromise but he won't go after lunch, won't go before lunch is starting to be cooked. Said he won't go as I'd "spoiled it now""

My guess is that the big argument pissed him off to the point that he couldnt be bothered to try and discuss it rationally..

clam · 12/12/2013 21:58

squeakytoy
This: Anyway so the other day he informed me that he was planning on going for a drink this Christmas day, just before lunch with his Dad (and undoubtedly any of his siblings that end up coming) and me and his Mum would have to stay behind with the dinner!

Sounds to me quite like he has said she can't go.

Bowlersarm · 12/12/2013 22:04

squeakytoy - how have you missed the part me told her he would have to stay at home with his mum to prepare the dinner?

He has told her she can't go.

mistermakersgloopyglue · 12/12/2013 22:06

Yeah I bet while people on this thread have been frothing and crying 'ltb' and ranting about what a selfish arsehole he must be, him and the op have probably calmed down, sorted it and forgotten about it Grin maybe

Tabliope · 12/12/2013 22:09

I pointed this out to squeakytoy hours ago Confused - i.e. the same quote as clam has just put in. I give up. I hope they have sorted it by now.

PleaseJustLeaveYourBrotherAlon · 12/12/2013 22:12

It was when I suggested some modifications i.e. leaving the turkey in the oven and all going - preparing veg before and then just cooking it when we got back, or all going after dinner that he got a bit of a strop on and said I'd spoiled it and I don't really get why doing it like that would be a problem.

In what way does the above mean she is allowed to go? squeaky?

cjel · 12/12/2013 22:14

Clam -that post still only says stay behind 'with' the dinner. Not 'do' the dinner

caramelwaffle · 12/12/2013 22:17

Why would two adults need to stay behind with the dinner? It doesn't require babysitting.

Turn off all electrical equipment and gas, and all go for a drink.

Or buy in some nice drinks and all have it in-house.

fluffyraggies · 12/12/2013 22:20

In her 2nd post Op says ''it is just being assumed that I'm going to stay at home and cook the dinner. It was when I suggested some modifications ... or all going after dinner that he got a bit of a strop on and said I'd spoiled it''

I'd find it hurtful to feel my DH just didn't want me at the pub :(

Op's modifications would have had no detrimental effect on his dinner, they just would have meant she could go along. But no - he got a stop on.

Tabliope · 12/12/2013 22:21

cjel - what exactly does stay behind "with" the dinner mean if not "do" the dinner? What else could it mean?

legoplayingmumsunite · 12/12/2013 22:22

I didn't even know pubs were open on Christmas Day. Wow. missing the point Can't everyone just drink at home? We have enough booze in this house to sink a ship at Christmas and the bucks fizz is served at breakfast. Don't think DH or I would be able to make it to the pub by the time dinner was nearly ready, not that anyone has ever suggested such a thing.

Anyway YADNBU men shouldn't disappear off to the pub and expect food to magically appear when they return, are they expecting a stocking from Father Christmas as well? Or do you actually live in Coronation Street circa 1955?

Tabliope · 12/12/2013 22:28

and another thing cjel - how do you justify the DH saying his wife and mother have to stay home at all?! Whether it's "with" the dinner (whatever that means) or to "do" the dinner?

pianodoodle · 12/12/2013 22:52

My guess is that the big argument pissed him off to the point that he couldnt be bothered to try and discuss it rationally..

You've just made him sound like an even bigger knob now Grin

AskBasilAboutCranberrySauce · 12/12/2013 22:55

LOL.

When women get so pissed off they can't discuss something rationally, it's because they're er, irrational.

When men get so pissed off they're irrational, it's because a woman's unreasonableness made them irrational.

Grin
whatever5 · 12/12/2013 23:27

I don't really see why the OP needs to discuss or talk about this rationally. If I was in this situation I would just say that I wasn't going to stay at home and sort out the dinner while DH was in the pub and that would be that. If he still went to the pub on Christmas day I would go out too. It's not as if anyone could stop me! No way would I sit at home and finish the food like a good little 1950s wife.

YourMaNoBraBackOfMyCar · 12/12/2013 23:29

I kick dh out, make him take my brothers, the kids and anyone else. Gives me an hour to myself whilst sorting stuff out. I love it. I also have a big fat Baileys with ice.

cerealqueen · 12/12/2013 23:47

and me and his Mum would have to stay behind with the dinner! this is key, the expectation that you stay at home.

Tradition my arse, why are sexist things ok if they are tradition? The grandad issue is not relevant.

Maybe he wants to show his dad that you will be the little at home wifey?

YANBU - it is sexist. used to happen in our house too, girls helping mum cook, men down the pub and the males getting their dinner served first. Used to piss me right off.

clam · 12/12/2013 23:48

YourMa Yeah, but you kicking him out because you prefer to is a bit different from them all putting their coats on, with little or no prior discussion and saying "we're off out and you can't come (even though you'd probably like to) because you've got to get our lunch sorted." Which is effectively what's happening here.

YourMaNoBraBackOfMyCar · 12/12/2013 23:51

Yeah Clam, that is dead tight that. Op only cook for yourself. Fuck 'em.

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