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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband going to pub on Christmas Day

608 replies

lettucelamp · 11/12/2013 21:04

I need some advice, because I can't stop turning something over in my head. This is my first time posting so please be gentle with me and it's a bit long winded!

My husband and I are hosting Christmas Day dinner at our house for the first time this year. I was really looking forward to it; it will be my inlaws coming but generally I get along with his parents very well, it's a bit up and down with his siblings but I'm not really worried, potentially just his sister coming as well, and my immediate family won't be there as they're going away for Christmas.

It was a bit of a Christmas tradition for my husband to go to the pub on Christmas day just before lunch was ready with his Dad, Grandad and brothers but his Grandad passed away a few years ago now, and we haven't had Christmas dinner with as a couple with his parents before (my mums last year, he insisted we have it on our own the previous two years, not living together prior to that).

Anyway so the other day he informed me that he was planning on going for a drink this Christmas day, just before lunch with his Dad (and undoubtedly any of his siblings that end up coming) and me and his Mum would have to stay behind with the dinner!

AIBU to be a bit upset about this?

I feel like it's a) completely sexist b) completely unfair that I'll be left to finish the cooking on my own and c) not right to divide the family group on Christmas day!

He said it in front of his Mum, and I acted a bit put out but in a kind of joking way, his Mum said she wouldn't mind stopping so I could go with them but I feel like that's not the point.

Had a big argument about it when we got home, and I feel torn. Part of me feels like it is only half an hour and he's normally a very good husband, doesn't go out often, and doesn't really ask for much but on the other hand I think it's sexist and exclusionary. Tried to work out a compromise but he won't go after lunch, won't go before lunch is starting to be cooked. Said he won't go as I'd "spoiled it now" and I ended up backing down/grovelling to him a bit! But I feel like the idea of being left cooking the dinner has spoilt Christmas Day a bit for me now - was really looking forward to it, now I'm dreading it a bit.

I can't decide if I'm being overly dramatic or if I'm right to not like the idea, and I want to get some perspective. What do you think - AIBU?

OP posts:

MPB · 11/12/2013 22:03

She's at the pub.

SantaIKnowHimIKnowHim · 11/12/2013 22:04

But only for the chosen few, eh? Not for Mum.

Since when does it have to be up to mum to cook the Christmas dinner?! Whoever is cooking the Christmas dinner surely shouldn't mind if the others go to the pub for half an hour or so.
Do you ALL need to be there, five or however many people stirring things in pots, lifting lids, sniffing courses and generally getting in the way? No.
Doesn't harm for a little bit to just get out of the way.
Christ, when I cook, I WANT people out of my hair.

perfectstorm · 11/12/2013 22:04

Can I have a tradition where I have all the fun and someone else does all the work and when they protest they're firmly told to get a grip, please?

My H is going to the pub on Xmas day as well - to get his mum, dad and stepmum and our DS out from under my feet while I cook with my mum. That's a favour to heavily-pregnant me as much as a treat for him, so no problem. Swanning off for no good reason while the women do the donkey work of Xmas lunch is, IMO, taking the piss. If OP's H wants to go for a pint with his dad why can't they go in the afternoon, when there's not a shitload of work to do? This is leaving the women to slave while the men lounge. No thanks.

YANBU.

Bowlersarm · 11/12/2013 22:04

MPB

clam · 11/12/2013 22:04

Do we know if the OP actually wants to go to the pub? Or would just rather half the guests didn't bugger off out?

SantaIKnowHimIKnowHim · 11/12/2013 22:05

the men would come back late, shit faced and the dinner would be ruined.

Sorry, but that says a lot about the type of men you used to be around then.
Went to the pub for an hour or so before lunch but that NEVER happened here. Was always back in time for lunch.

Finola1step · 11/12/2013 22:05

It's a drink in the pub. I think you should go too. Finish the veg when you get back etc.

My dad and my grandads used to do this every year when I was a child. My dad stopped after his own father died.

My dad sadly passed away in April. So this is our first Christmas without him. You have no idea how much I wish I could pop to the pub for a drink with my dad.

It's one drink. On Christmas Day. Please remember that your parents and your in laws will not be around forever.

clam · 11/12/2013 22:06

Well, you said it, Santa!
"Mum stayed behind and did the dinner. It was never thought of as sexist. Somebody has to stay and do the dinner, surely?"

SantaIKnowHimIKnowHim · 11/12/2013 22:07

Oh, and just to add, I'm not cooking Christmas lunch. I never do. DH does it all. I now feel the urge to sod off to the pub for an hour or so beforehand just because I CAN although in reality I probably won't [grin--

perfectstorm · 11/12/2013 22:07

the assumption that either of us would swan off to the pub and expect a meal placed in front of us on our return (table laid, drinks prepared, etc, etc) is treating your family like domestic staff IMO.

Yes, this.

FlatAsSantasSacks · 11/12/2013 22:08

OP chuck the roasters in and pop off for a quick drink too.

We do this every year and we have kids, it's part tradition my dad used to do it, and we've carried it on.

Our local village pub welcomes children and they love riding their new bike down / pushing new buggy staying for a lemonade before coming home. The pub has a free bar too!

clam · 11/12/2013 22:08

I bet it's not just "one drink."

SabrinaMulhollandJjones · 11/12/2013 22:09

Yanbu. "Traditions" which are sexist and involve the men jollying off to the pub while the women stay home and finish the cooking are not on. It's archaic ffs.

Would never happen in our house - my dh would never dream of swanning off and leaving me/his mother to slave over a hot stove.

SantaIKnowHimIKnowHim · 11/12/2013 22:09

finola Sorry to hear that. What you say though is so true. Do the traditions now while you still can, before they just become fond memories.

cosikitty · 11/12/2013 22:10

YANBU!

This tradition used to be common in many families in the PAST, doesn't mean we should continue it. All go to the pub or nobody go. How would the DH feel if you asked him to stay behind and cook dinner while you pop out with your MIL for a quick drink?

Bowlersarm · 11/12/2013 22:10

The pub has a free bar too Where exactly are you Flat?

bbcessex · 11/12/2013 22:10

assuming it's okay to go to the pub and leave you behind - wouldn't happen in my house. Sexist and taking the piss, whichever way you look at it (in my book).

More concerned about the insisting we had Christmas Dinner on our own for two years though.. what's with the insisting? Surely it's a decision for both partners to make?

thebody · 11/12/2013 22:11

^^ finola yes agree. my lovely fil died a while back, he and dh used to go fishing one Sunday every month together.

I had 2 older kids and 2 younger and sometimes it was a bit of a pain sorting it all out but I had time out too with my dm and sister. wish wish fil was here this Christmas and mil too. they were bloody great.

ffs op it's just one drink with his dad.

JewelFairies · 11/12/2013 22:11

I agree with you - it's sexist and excluding you. Why the bloody hell should everyone else jolly off don the pub leaving you at home like Cinderella? So, if you said, "Oh! Trip to the pub. Great idea. Let's all go," he'd presumably say, "oh, but lettuce, you need to stay home and get our lunch ready."
In what CENTURY is he living? shock

^^ This. Couldn't say it better myself.
Make your own tradition. You are your own family unit now. No effing off to the pub, thank you very much. All can drink and be jolly at home AND help prepare dinner.

In our family we have combined different cultures to create our own new family traditions and it's working a treat.

SantaIKnowHimIKnowHim · 11/12/2013 22:12

Would never happen in our house - my dh would never dream of swanning off and leaving me/his mother to slave over a hot stove.

Why is it always left to you and your mother to "slave over a hot stove" though?!
Because you want to do it? Or because you have to do it?
Genuinely interested. Why not get your DH to do it next year? It doesn't always have to be the little wimmins job you know.

DeckTheHallsWithBonesAndSkully · 11/12/2013 22:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

clam · 11/12/2013 22:13

What you say though is so true. Do the traditions now while you still can, before they just become fond memories.

What has this got to do with it? Traditions? Great. Appreciating your parents while they're still with us. Yup.
Treating your wife like a servant and then sulking when she queries it on the pretext of a tradition that probably never really was one? Nope.

Bogeyface · 11/12/2013 22:14

MIL has offered a solution.

The solution being that the MIL stays behind doing all the work herself. The OP doesnt want to do that because.....da da da daaaah, its unfair! The OP understands that so wont allow her MIL to take the strain in order to accomodate a selfish DH!

Tabliope · 11/12/2013 22:14

Yanbu. I'd be very pissed off with this. Completely smacks of know your place woman. Half an hour my arse. They'll be gone 3 hours, come back pissed and smelling of beer and being silly (potentially) while you seethe in the background having tried to keep everything going and timing the meal so it's not a burnt out, dry, tasteless dinner. MIL will be trying to appease you but won't tell the men off because it sounds like she knows her place after 40 years of it. Totally unreasonable.

If it is for half an hour then no reason why you can't all go and delay dinner for half an hour or stick some of the food on to cook. If then while you're in the pub your DH says you better get back and check on the roasties OP you can tell him you're having another and suggests he gets himself back home.

I've no problem with men going to the pub without women. If he'd said after dinner etc when you're all sitting down watching TV do you mind if me and dad nip to the pub for a couple, or come too if you want, you'd probably have said sure, no problem. Basic manners and consideration.

clam · 11/12/2013 22:15

Santa, you're contradicting yourself. YOU said, earlier, that in your house as a child, you'd always go to the pub with your dad leaving your mum to cook, because "someone had to do the dinner, after all?"
So where does all this "why should it be the woman" stuff come from?

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