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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband going to pub on Christmas Day

608 replies

lettucelamp · 11/12/2013 21:04

I need some advice, because I can't stop turning something over in my head. This is my first time posting so please be gentle with me Grin and it's a bit long winded!

My husband and I are hosting Christmas Day dinner at our house for the first time this year. I was really looking forward to it; it will be my inlaws coming but generally I get along with his parents very well, it's a bit up and down with his siblings but I'm not really worried, potentially just his sister coming as well, and my immediate family won't be there as they're going away for Christmas.

It was a bit of a Christmas tradition for my husband to go to the pub on Christmas day just before lunch was ready with his Dad, Grandad and brothers but his Grandad passed away a few years ago now, and we haven't had Christmas dinner with as a couple with his parents before (my mums last year, he insisted we have it on our own the previous two years, not living together prior to that).

Anyway so the other day he informed me that he was planning on going for a drink this Christmas day, just before lunch with his Dad (and undoubtedly any of his siblings that end up coming) and me and his Mum would have to stay behind with the dinner!

AIBU to be a bit upset about this?

I feel like it's a) completely sexist b) completely unfair that I'll be left to finish the cooking on my own and c) not right to divide the family group on Christmas day!

He said it in front of his Mum, and I acted a bit put out but in a kind of joking way, his Mum said she wouldn't mind stopping so I could go with them but I feel like that's not the point.

Had a big argument about it when we got home, and I feel torn. Part of me feels like it is only half an hour and he's normally a very good husband, doesn't go out often, and doesn't really ask for much but on the other hand I think it's sexist and exclusionary. Tried to work out a compromise but he won't go after lunch, won't go before lunch is starting to be cooked. Said he won't go as I'd "spoiled it now" and I ended up backing down/grovelling to him a bit! But I feel like the idea of being left cooking the dinner has spoilt Christmas Day a bit for me now - was really looking forward to it, now I'm dreading it a bit.

I can't decide if I'm being overly dramatic or if I'm right to not like the idea, and I want to get some perspective. What do you think - AIBU?

OP posts:
cees · 11/12/2013 21:47

Yanbu, I would go with them, fuck waiting at home with your apron on cooking for the men folk.

MistressDeeCee · 11/12/2013 21:48

Not everything has to be about a man vs woman full on battle. Its all very well whipping up OP to flame her husband on this basis but he is asking for 30 mins, it isnt a lot. & she's said he doesnt go out very often. Even if it were 1 hour, is this truly an argument worth having in terms of how it could impact on their Christmas? If he goes to the pub that doesnt mean OP is being left completely alone all hours, to prepare dinner. Nor does it mean he wont help out when he gets back.Also, OP can go. Her MIL has offered to hold the fort..its hardly as if MIL is going to be holding the fort for hours on end!

I think leeway could be given on both sides relationships are about compromise so Im hopeful they can now sit down and calmly sort this out between them. That seems a better option than all this 'its because she is a woman' talk..in real life, how exactly is that going to resolve anything? Of course OP can say 'no, you can't go' but that sounds a bit 'off', really. Especially as, she can actually go. Talking it out in a non-inflammatory way when things are a little calmer, is always best. Relationship is about a couple in togetherness. Theyre not enemies.

All the 'big talk' I see on various threads regarding how some speak to their DHs and tell them how and what to do..I just wonder if thats how it is in reality.

Bogeyface · 11/12/2013 21:49

mimi I disagree with you on one point. It seems that the "D"H has decided what has happened in previous years, so I rather suspect that he was the one that did the inviting. Only to fuck off out with his Dad.

Its his mum I feel sorry for. She knows the OP is pissed off and because MIL understands how OP feels she is offering to sacrifice her own time so the OP doesnt have to put up with being used as a skivvy. What does that say about the way the MIL has been used and viewed by her her husband and son? She sounds lovely, but subjugated :(

hollyisalovelyname · 11/12/2013 21:49

Just don't get the idea of going to a pub on Christmas Day.
I'll probably be flamed for saying that.
They're all shut in Ireland on Christmas Day ( i think)

TempusFuckit · 11/12/2013 21:50

YANBU. Imagine having a lovely Christmas morning, everyone's getting along wonderfully, and then suddenly you're excluded from part of the festivities on the basis you're a woman and you have work to do. That's what's happening here.

Although I wonder - will the SIL be going to the pub if she's there? The OP suggests she will. In that case, it's only wives who are excluded. Even worse really.

And yes, the worst thing is the way you were informed, not asked. A "Do you mind, it's to remember my Granddad?" would have made a lot of difference.

Bogeyface · 11/12/2013 21:50

Clam you are between me and mum (almost to the day!) so that surprises me. Were you, like she, a bit scared of the marching, bra burning feminists? Mum was, yet she is the most strident feminist I know in her expectation and self belief!

superram · 11/12/2013 21:50

I am taking the kids and my parents to the pub. Dh and inlaws staying behind to cook.

Therefore yabu.

Go with them.

Frigintinsella · 11/12/2013 21:51

YANBU my DP does this, tbf he didn't last year because he asked but we had a 4 wo and I said I'd prefer he didn't I could join him but I don't really fancy my own options, go to pub with DP and a load of old men talking about the price of a pint or sitting in with mil and her slagging off DP's dad... Again Hmm
For me as a child Christmas was all about the family time and everyone pulling together, not the men doing one while the ladies do all the work!

clam · 11/12/2013 21:53

My whole point is that I wouldn't speak to my dh in the way that some sexist apologists have suggested on here. "Get off down the pub and out from under my feet?" Really? How respectful is that?
Or expecting him for one moment to stay home alone slaving over a hot stove providing lunch for everyone while we go off out. While he's cooking (although we've all chipped in with prepping veg and so on) the rest of us will be pottering around necking champagne laying the table/clearing away wrapping paper/organising drinks and nibbles for guests and so forth.

SantaIKnowHimIKnowHim · 11/12/2013 21:53

Sorry, I'm also in the YABU camp. I was all set to say "yes, it's completely understandable that you don't want your DH at the pub at Christmas, it's a family time."
That's until I read the actual thread when you said that it was only for an hour or so before lunch when you're getting everything ready.
What harm is that going to do?
I have fond memories of going to the pub with my dad for half an hour or so on Christmas Day just before dinner was ready.
Mum stayed behind and did the dinner. It was never thought of as sexist. Somebody has to stay and do the dinner, surely?
Going to the pub was just tradition. A chance to swap present tales and compare festive jumpers and socks. Smile
Sounds like it's the same in your DH's family too.

optimusic · 11/12/2013 21:54

I don't see the problem.
But then the meat gets chucked in the oven in the morning, by the time we are ready so is the meat (not turkey) has loads of time to settle. Veg and everything ready to be cooked.. Of we all go to the pub. Come back, someone switches on the rest of the food.

ShoeWhore · 11/12/2013 21:55

OP YANBU. I can't see how it's going to be half an hour either.

I cannot bear this idea that the little women should stay at home in the kitchen while the menfolk bugger off to the pub. Either find a way for you all to go to the pub together (easier said than done while trying to pull off Christmas dinner imho) or find a different time to go (or both!).

seafoodudon · 11/12/2013 21:56

It sounds like it's a Christmas of all adults, so why not go to the pub after lunch? Everyone can help out to prepare the meal (or sit about chatting and keeping cooks company) and then whoever feels up for it can go for a drink afterwards?

lilyaldrin · 11/12/2013 21:57

Someone has to stay and do the dinner... and it just happens to be mum? Yep, definitely not sexist.

clam · 11/12/2013 21:58

bogeyface No, not scared at all. I confess to sometimes wondering at the need for such strident objection towards men, but then I suppose many women needed to. I'm lucky enough to be surrounded by men who are enlightened and pull their weight. Even my dad, who is now in his early 80s, has always done housework, shopping and clearing away/washing up after meals. If my kids want to know what's for dinner, they go straight to dh, not me.
I thought that was normal. Reading this thread, it seems not.

SantaIKnowHimIKnowHim · 11/12/2013 21:58

I cannot bear this idea that the little women should stay at home in the kitchen

Who says it's the women who HAVE to stay behind? "Women" only stay behind if they want to. Pre-cook everything beforehand and warm up on return if you want to join so badly!
Either that, or say "yes, you can go, but next year, you're cooking and I'M off to the pub." Then stick to it. Smile

MPB · 11/12/2013 21:59

How many people do you need in the kitchen to sort Christmas dinner? Does it really matter if the rest of the people are having a pint in the pub?

If I do dinner, my table is set the night before whilst the husband is at the pub veg is prepped and in saltwater ready to go. I honestly do not mind having a few moments to myself on Christmas Eve prepping and titivating the house whilst I watch the church service on TV.

OP you can go if you want to. Some people actually enjoy preparing and cooking and looking after people. So let your MIL do it.

My mum always cooked Christmas dinner. My Dad always did Boxing Day dinner. He never went to the pub, but then again his Dad was dead. Maybe he would've if he'd had the opportunity to go.

clam · 11/12/2013 21:59

Going to the pub was just tradition. A chance to swap present tales and compare festive jumpers and socks.

But only for the chosen few, eh? Not for Mum.

PenguinsDontEatStollen · 11/12/2013 22:00

I would be incredibly put out if DH did this. Getting Christmas dinner on the table is a joint responsibility if we are joint hosts.

To me it wouldn't be about him wanting 'just half an hour' or whatever to go to the pub with his dad. He is very welcome to go out with his dad, just as I am welcome to go out.

However, the assumption that either of us would swan off to the pub and expect a meal placed in front of us on our return (table laid, drinks prepared, etc, etc) is treating your family like domestic staff IMO.

As it happens, DH is way better at roasts than me, so I run around doing starters, topping up drinks, supervising small children, etc whilst he focuses on meat, roasties, gravy, etc.

Unless you are actively happy to stay behind, which you obviously aren't, YANBU. There are plenty of opportunities to all (or whoever wants to) go to pub over Christmas. And if someone needs to stay behind for childcare, you could at least agree a less inconvenient time for it.

Bogeyface · 11/12/2013 22:01

Dont dress up blatant sexism as tradition!

And no, it wont be half an hour. I almost want him to go now so the OP can report back on how long they were there, and the state they were in when they got backl!

Bowlersarm · 11/12/2013 22:01

Santa - he told her she had to stay behind. That is the whole point of our outrage. She has no choice in the matter!

clam · 11/12/2013 22:01

I honestly do not mind having a few moments to myself on Christmas Eve prepping and titivating the house whilst I watch the church service on TV.

Of course. Sounds great. YOU DON'T MIND. The op DOES MIND.

MPB · 11/12/2013 22:02

Well she should fucking go to the pub then. And put her foot down.

MIL has offered a solution.

clam · 11/12/2013 22:02

Actually, talking of which, where IS the op?

Snowbility · 11/12/2013 22:03

I would not be happy about this - why do the men get to fuck off to the pub - why can't you go too. Seriously this kind of shit used to happen when I was growing up, the men would come back late, shit faced and the dinner would be ruined.
I don't think YABU, I'd hate being left behind slaving away and your dh should know better.