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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel furious with childminder in hairdresser...

215 replies

flatwhite · 11/12/2013 13:45

Having my hair cut at local salon. Sat at sink having hair washed. Little boy about 21/2 yrs sitting strapped in buggy facing me. Surrounded by a few toys(on sofa by buggy) and holding a little book and reading to self.
I assumed mum had gone to toilet (or would be back in a minute) and I started interacting with child whilst head back having hair washed.
Child smiled at me and held out book
As if he wanted to be read to.
Hair washer asked if I wNted him to beloved closer to me (obv assuming he was mine)
I Said he was not my child but remarked I good he was sitting on his own and amusing self given young age.
A lady then sat back and peeped head out from her seat where she was having hair done. She smiled and I asked if this was her son. I also said "it breaks my heart that he is not protesting to sitting on his own"
She smiled back and tolde she was his childminder "and not to speak too soon"
Then went back to getting hair done.
I felt rather sad (i admit even tearful) I am a bit of a softie given I am mum of 2 boys age 3 and 7M and still breatfeeding DS2. So poss set off my hormones.
But is it unreasonable to feel angry with this woman. If she was mum it would be bad enough - ok to bring child to salon but at least seat him so you can talk to him not so he us facing awY from you and all alone. But she is being paid to look after this child.
I haven't said anything as prob not appropriate and not fair on child to make minder cross but finding experience difficult!

OP posts:
kotinka · 11/12/2013 14:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ephiny · 11/12/2013 14:24

I could understand the OP being unhappy if it was her child, and her childminder who she was paying. Given that they were strangers, I can't see why it's any of her business at all.

I am Shock that you would actually say to the woman you thought was the mother that her child's behaviour breaks your heart. What an odd and rude comment to make.

dreamingofsun · 11/12/2013 14:27

thinking about this a little more.......i think its about balance. if this was the most interactive she was with the child all day then clearly its not on. However, if following a short period at the hairdressers they read together, played at the park and did loads of other activities then fine. I was happy with my CM going to doctors/shopping etc as I knew she was also fab at doing lots of other interactive/child focussed things as well

Original poster
flatwhite · 11/12/2013 14:30

People berating me that I have no right to judge and none if my business etc.
I never actively responded to this.
Just felt sad for child and trying to make sense of this.
No need to be so aggressive

OP posts:
Original poster
flatwhite · 11/12/2013 14:30

I made comment to childm

OP posts:
poopadoop · 11/12/2013 14:31

YABU for saying to her "it breaks my heart that he is not protesting to sitting on his own". Why should a child protest? Some children don't mind, and ime it is a good thing for children to have to amuse themselves sometimes, it helps them develop concentration and self-managing skills.

Theodorous · 11/12/2013 14:33

If you had said the heartbroken line to me I would have had to stifle a giggle. Are you quite ok? A rather peculiar heartbreak.

poopadoop · 11/12/2013 14:34

And YABVVVU to say it when you thought she was the mum. If it was the mum you'd have come across as really interfering and projecting way too much on to the situation.

MerryChristmasMollyHooper · 11/12/2013 14:36

Wouldn't annoy me in the slightest if my CM did this.

A two year old doesn't need constant interaction, the fact that the child was sitting quietly proved that he was content.

Don't worry about it.

squeakytoy · 11/12/2013 14:38

I want to know how you can interact with a child when your head is tipped back into the basin having your hair washed.. was he strapped to the ceiling???

teenagetantrums · 11/12/2013 14:38

Children need to learn to play alone, who needs a child that needs constant adult interaction, if he was happy enough its not really any of your business is it? if he had been upset and was being ignored then you would have a point. how was he for the rest of the time you were there? was he ignored? did he cry?

monicalewinski · 11/12/2013 14:38

If the toddler is happy to sit and amuse itself then fair enough.

Facing away from the minder/parent? Probably because it's more interesting looking around the room and interacting with others is keeping it amused and quiet.

Childminder taking mindee to hairdresser? Wouldn't be impressed myself, but you don't know the circumstances re the childcare - maybe the parent's are totally ok with it; childminders are all about the fact that it's 'normal family life' tbh, shopping etc.

I don't understand why your heart broke due to a perfectly contented toddler amusing itself and interacting with people though Confused.

SaucyJack · 11/12/2013 14:38

There are still starving kids in Africa if you want a better target for your schmaltz OP.

candycoatedwaterdrops · 11/12/2013 14:38

Commenting to child is so passive aggressive.

MerryChristmasMollyHooper · 11/12/2013 14:40

Good point squeakytoy :o

monicalewinski · 11/12/2013 14:42

squeakytoy Grin

GoodbyeRubyTuesday · 11/12/2013 14:47

I don't really understand. You said yourself he was amusing himself and not protesting to sitting on his own. He had toys and a book. I've had babies/toddlers wave at me/smile/hold out toys etc. over their parent's shoulder or while parent is interacting with them so I don't think the fact he interacted with you demonstrates that he was lonely. Children just like making friends and seeing different faces! I'm sure if you hadn't interacted with him he would have carried on amusing himself with his toys.

It might be that if he could see her he would constantly be shouting for attention whereas if he couldn't see her he would be happy on his own. I've looked after a couple of babies like that.

I don't have a childminder or my own children so I'm really not sure about childminder going to the hairdressers. Personally I don't think it would bother me. Did you see them leave? If not, the little boy may have had his hair cut after her appointment.

Also did you really tell her it broke your heart before you'd even ascertained if he was her son? If someone told me my (perfectly acceptable) treatment of my child broke their heart I'd be quite Angry to be honest!

exhaustedandannoyed · 11/12/2013 14:55

Well the child not protesting could mean he is happy occupying himself for a bit which is fine but it could also mean he is so used to being neglected that he has just given up protesting which is clearly not ok. I would think this is why it made op sad.

pictish · 11/12/2013 15:00

It's the insinuation of the statement ""it breaks my heart that he is not protesting to sitting on his own".

It says "well he's obviously used to being ignored" doesn't it?

Unbelievably meddlesome and inappropriate, given that your knowledge on the subject of this child's care is zero.

I used to have a neighbour who had plenty of similar sayings to impart to me, when ds1 was a baby...when I was out the garden, out she would come and tell me he shouldn't be on the ground, needed a hat, and that I should be chatting to him while hanging out the washing, and all sorts of other things that were none of her business whatsoever.
She was total pain in the arse, and I don't miss her at all.

Original poster
flatwhite · 11/12/2013 15:03

I made comment to CM in most well meaning way possible. I was praising child for being so good.
I do think it is quite heartening when little children can be put out of sight and out of mind- even if they seem ok with this. But child was clearly reaching out to be played with so not sure how happy he really was.
I'm sure CM will be ok following my comment.

OP posts:
pictish · 11/12/2013 15:06

"It breaks my heart" - that is not praise!

Do not become my old neighbour.

Gileswithachainsaw · 11/12/2013 15:07

But why flat

There's hundreds of people on her that say they can't out their babies/toddlers down for a second. If that is true can the opposite not also be true? That there are plenty of children who don't need to be inches from an adult at all time and that can quite happily sit with a toy for half an hour without it being neglect.

And kids interact all the time with me, shall I assume tey are starved of affection too?

monicalewinski · 11/12/2013 15:08

Exhausted, I see what you're saying; if he was strapped in a buggy with no toys, no book, nothing at all, and didn't even try to interact with another person then maybe I would think "that's a bit odd, he seems a bit used to it", but the fact that he interacted with the OP in an appropriate way for a child of that age whilst having a range of things to amuse himself with means the thought honestly would not have crossed my mind tbh.

Ephiny · 11/12/2013 15:08

I thought you said it was you that started interacting with the child, and that he was reading to himself until that point, not reaching out to be played with? Confused.

I'm also not sure that 'heartening' means what you think it means.

I'm sure the CM will survive, yes! But that doesn't mean your comment wasn't weird and rude.

monicalewinski · 11/12/2013 15:09

Sorry xpost flat, the fact that he reached out to interact is good, surely?