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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Text, wife not impressed??

272 replies

SheldonsLeftFlipFlop · 01/12/2013 20:41

I have an acquaintance / mate who I know via work. We've been on nights out in small groups and enjoy a laugh and joke.

A while back, we were talking about tattoos and I mentioned one that I was planning on my ankle. He said he really likes feminine ankle and foot tattoos. I'd said I wasn't 100% on getting it there and he kind of tried to talk me into it.

Anyway, I had said tattoo but at the bottom of my leg, slightly brushing my ankle. I sent him a picture of it with a jokey line and thought no more of it. I then got a reply ages later saying his wife wasn't impressed. I genuinely had no idea what he was on about, so just replied sorry?? He then text me this afternoon saying his wife had calmed down, but she thought it was inappropriate.

I honestly would never have thought I was crossing any boundaries by sending what I did. And we do text from time to time. But generally quite run of the mill stuff really. I'm a little bit annoyed that a picture of my ankle is being interpreted as anything untoward too.

He'll ring me tomorrow, so would I be unreasonable to say that I don't really want any part in his relationship issues, and nor am I comfortable with our friendship being treated by him as a secret (which I'm now assuming has been the case)?

OP posts:
ErrorError · 02/12/2013 19:32

Flashing a bit of ankle eh... you shameless harlot! Wink YANBU, if it was on your boob however...

I suspect the wife is not just upset at the photo of a bit of your flesh, but probably the context behind it and the fact you had a private conversation discussing something personal and she was not present. Probably be careful and not text this bloke as much.

Original poster
SheldonsLeftFlipFlop · 02/12/2013 19:51

Oh believe me, all communication with him will be kept strictly to work stuff, and will try and avoid any out of hours socialising with him - I definitely do not want to be caught up in somebody's relationship issues and dramas!!!

We may not see each other every day, but have worked together on some very intense / demanding projects which have required a lot of in person and phone contact, hence where our friendship started.

OP posts:
Tambaboy · 02/12/2013 20:11

OP, regarding your question, I wouldn't actually tell him to keep you out their relationship, but to say sorry, didn't mean any offence and stop being matey with him.
If he though the text was inappropriate he should have said so. But why said the wife wasn't impressed and why he feels the need to phone you? I think the dodgy one here is him to be truthful. I trust my dh and if he received a text like that I might think it's a bit unusual but I wouldn't go mad. I think there is more to it than you know so it's better to leave them to it.

DawnOfTheDee · 02/12/2013 20:18

Wow..I think the op is getting a hard time here. I don't think op sounds attention seeking in the slightest.

Original poster
SheldonsLeftFlipFlop · 02/12/2013 20:35

And to add clarity regards the tattoo - it is a couple of bars of music from one of my favourite songs (Fearless by Pink Floyd), which is symbolic to me as it always makes me think of DH and how bloody remarkably he has dealt with everything thrown at him over the last year. Friend knows this.

OP posts:
Somersetlady · 02/12/2013 21:11

I agree with frequentflyer you can not possibly know what has happened in their relationship before and if his wife has reacted badly then it probably has more to do with his past behaviour than you or your text. Wanting to call you when his wifes not around should also set alarm bells ringing.

However for someone that you see 12 times a year I would consider the text to be inappropriate in the same possibly even odder way that i wouldn't send a picture of a new dress i had bought to a male colleague with me in it for the simple reason as he is just a colleague why would i care what he thinks

Imho Sending pictures of yourself or your body parts IS personal no matter which way you look at it......

Original poster
SheldonsLeftFlipFlop · 02/12/2013 21:50

It's kind of hard to give a proper reflection of our friendship really. Yes in the last couple of months I've seen him maybe 4 or 5 times, for a couple of days at a time. But we talk a lot over the phone, email etc too on daily basis.

But I'm not sure if he's maybe read more into friendship than was intended. As I said I'll be backing right off.

OP posts:
Chattymummyhere · 02/12/2013 22:55

Does that not make it weirder that a man your barely work with you keep in contact via phone/emails every day?

I'm not surprised if the wife if a bit on guard to be honest. If the wife had posted she would of got loads if his up to no good..

I'm really worried about dh he works with one women a couple of times a month she's the only women at his work, but even though they work so little together they are in contact every single day and she's even started sending him photos of her tattoos!! Should I be worried??

I think most on mumsnet would say yes she should be worried and that this work relationship had crossed a line

Original poster
SheldonsLeftFlipFlop · 02/12/2013 23:07

I've not explained very well have I? We work together a lot, just not so much in person! We have to speak every day, at least for now, for work.

OP posts:
MistAllChuckingFrighty · 02/12/2013 23:16

You have tried to explain, and had the opportunity, several times now. We are still confused, so I expect the wife is even more so.

Do you see where she might be coming from yet ?

gobbynorthernbird · 02/12/2013 23:35

TBH, I get the working together but not thing because I used to do it, and DH and DM both do it now. I used to be the only person in my company who lived worked in the north west, I had pretty much daily contact with colleagues and management but saw them in person infrequently.

sykadelic15 · 02/12/2013 23:37

Do you associate with the wife at all? If so, how often?

Honestly, unless you're friends with both of them, if I found out my husband was having out-of-office conversations (that I previously had no idea about) with a woman he works with and talks to every day, including involving him in tattoo discussions (not to mention how he said they were attractive in certain locations and then you got one... it would seem like you wanted to impress him) I'd be suss about HOW close they are.

I have no issue with my husband having female friends, or female work colleagues but it would seem to me that the lines would blur a fair about if they were texting often, and especially if she and I didn't often associate.

Original poster
SheldonsLeftFlipFlop · 03/12/2013 04:25

Why on earth would I automatically associate with the partner of my colleagues? To be honest, I'm capable of being friends with somebody without their wife / husband / partner being present! And assumedly then you must be friends with the partner of all your female friends too???

No, when we socialise out of work I've never ever known anybody to bring their partner. Often we'll travel, and again never with partners.

And yet again, I did not get a tattoo in the place he said he likes them!! I wanted leg, he wanted foot - I got it on my leg. If I wanted to impress somebody I wouldn't be likely to do it by getting a tattoo that is symbolic of my husband.

And yes I can now see why his wife was bothered. Although I never took issue with that at all. If anything I was mortified that she may have read more into it than was ever intended. My issue was more not wanting to be involved in any of their issues.

OP posts:
YouTheCat · 03/12/2013 07:36

OP, I think your approach is most sensible and can't believe some people are unable to grasp the situation.

I can almost picture them grabbing on to their husbands in case you try and steal them. Hmm

Somersetlady · 03/12/2013 09:26

Youthecat just because the majority of posters are able to see both sides of how the op and the "guy who lost choosing the tattoo positions" wife might be feeling does not mean they are insecure or grabbing onto their husbands!

It seemly means they are able to look at a situation from both sides and see how different parties could take the situation from their personal circumstances.

You must also have missed the OPs line about how he was going to call her tomorrow when the wife is not around

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot · 03/12/2013 09:55

and the OP kept the call to strictly work related things, so OP wasnt planning on being part of the drama.

Mattissy · 03/12/2013 10:23

The problem is him, not you or his wife. If he made her feel secure and fully explained the situation it wouldn't be like this.

I find the fact he's told you his wife is unhappy bizarre, like he's trying to play you off against each other.

The whole "tattoos are so personal" thing I find paranoid, however I also reckon the insecurity in her is his fault.

Without knowing more about their relationship I couldn't comment on it.

YouTheCat · 03/12/2013 11:49

I hadn't missed anything thanks.

My comment was in reference to those giving the OP a hard time when she has done nothing wrong. Some people seem to think all women are after their husbands.

I can see why the wife in this situation might be wary but I'd say that that says a lot about the trust in their marriage (or lack of) and not the OP's fault.

Original poster
SheldonsLeftFlipFlop · 03/12/2013 18:35

Yes I found that a bit weird too. If he'd have just not responded at all then I would never have paid it any thought.

Have been out of the office today so contact kept strictly to email, and very brief at that. I won't now see him until after Xmas, so hopefully either the weirdness will have died off or we won't really be friends by then as it's a bit awkward just now.

OP posts:
Somersetlady · 03/12/2013 18:55

Best of luck Sheldons and I hope that is can be as mature and professional as you have decided to be about the situation!

WhatsTheBuzz · 03/12/2013 20:50

I think the only people who would describe OP as 'attention-seeking' are bored people.

WhatsTheBuzz · 03/12/2013 20:51

Also, people put all kinds of crap on facebook and no- one cares.

NotYoMomma · 04/12/2013 07:47

I would totally step back and disengage completely. work stuff only. why people cant respect the wifes legitimate feelings and just back off is beyond me. im talking the dh as well.

my gut feeling is that a lot of the colleague issues on the relationship board start off this way.

Topaz25 · 04/12/2013 11:56

I could be wrong but it sounds to me like his interest in feminine ankle and foot tattoos is more of a foot fetish and his wife, knowing this, views the photo as more titillating than you intended. You didn't do anything wrong but I would cool the friendship, if only to avoid getting dragged into their drama!

Original poster
SheldonsLeftFlipFlop · 04/12/2013 17:40

Right well spoke to him today, both of us avoiding mentioning any of this which is fine by me! I've already said I'm not gonna be sending any out of work texts unless unavoidable! Chat was alright today tho, work based stuff but light hearted so not so awkward.

Honestly I'd never want to upset anyone's wife or anything, but the whole "no friends at work" and "women shouldn't be friends with married men" malarkey does get on my tits a little bit! I'm not doing anything I'd deem inappropriate in having a friendship with this guy! That said, I don't want to be part of the drama so am happy to cool right off.

OP posts: