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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Text, wife not impressed??

272 replies

SheldonsLeftFlipFlop · 01/12/2013 20:41

I have an acquaintance / mate who I know via work. We've been on nights out in small groups and enjoy a laugh and joke.

A while back, we were talking about tattoos and I mentioned one that I was planning on my ankle. He said he really likes feminine ankle and foot tattoos. I'd said I wasn't 100% on getting it there and he kind of tried to talk me into it.

Anyway, I had said tattoo but at the bottom of my leg, slightly brushing my ankle. I sent him a picture of it with a jokey line and thought no more of it. I then got a reply ages later saying his wife wasn't impressed. I genuinely had no idea what he was on about, so just replied sorry?? He then text me this afternoon saying his wife had calmed down, but she thought it was inappropriate.

I honestly would never have thought I was crossing any boundaries by sending what I did. And we do text from time to time. But generally quite run of the mill stuff really. I'm a little bit annoyed that a picture of my ankle is being interpreted as anything untoward too.

He'll ring me tomorrow, so would I be unreasonable to say that I don't really want any part in his relationship issues, and nor am I comfortable with our friendship being treated by him as a secret (which I'm now assuming has been the case)?

OP posts:

Cakecrumbsinmybra · 02/12/2013 09:53

OP, if I were you I would refrain from sending replies that other PP have suggested - it sounds a bit like he's making something out of this, for whatever reason and texting just extends the drama of it. When he calls just keep it simple - sorry, nothing untoward meant, close down the conversation and move forward in friendly way.

And don't send him any more pics of course!

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 02/12/2013 10:07

I'm not insecure, or paranoid or anything else. I just think that sharing what should be an intimate and private thing with a work colleague crosses the line.

Whatever we all think though, clearly the OP's colleague feels that she has crossed the line - hence the warning from him.

I also think that tattoos are grim and a bit trampy, especially ones done on/near the foot and ankle. Like an ankle chain. Urgh.
So I'm prepared to accept that my view on that is colouring my response.

Chattymummyhere · 02/12/2013 11:00

I'm a strong believer in work stays at work unless it is an emergency there should be no need for work outside of work hours...

You don't get teachers texting pupals, nurses ringing up patients for random chit chat, your both paid to do a job.

My dh's work colleges know I exist (one shouted hello chatty down the phone when he rang me on lunch the other day I said hello back) just as I know about them and all bar two (they where friends before they worked together) there is no need for contact outside of work. Male or female I would question the need to be so close to someone you just need to be civil with and get a job done with,.

If you need help with your job ask during work hours if you want to know about the football/tattoos use google or your friends..

I bet it hurt a bit though I have one of my foot and it hurt a lot more than my back tattoo (not a tramp stamp by the way)

Branleuse · 02/12/2013 11:13

i think just tell him what you already thought - that you have no interest in his marital problems.

Then steer clear.

For all you know, him and his wife could be foot fetishists.

You havent done anything wrong, but it sounds like theres more to this than you know, and he shouldnt have told you that his wife was annoyed, nor are you some secret friendship in the know about his wifes insecurity. She might have valid reasons, she might not. Its between them

TheVermiciousDalek · 02/12/2013 11:22

Apologies if I've missed this, but have we established what the tattoo is? If it's his name, I can understand his wife's reaction.

AngelaDaviesHair · 02/12/2013 11:23

Odd of him even to tell you his wife was annoyed: it is not your problem. If he wanted to make sure you didn't send any more pictures, he could just have said that when he next saw you. So I think your instincts are right and it would be best to say it's between them and you are staying out of it.

QueenofallIsee · 02/12/2013 12:04

This is not about the OP, what she sent/didn't sent - all you that are saying 'no big deal' and others saying 'I wouldn't like it' are basing that on your own relationships/husbands and that has no bearing on the matter at hand!

OP, don't text your colleague that you want no part of his relationship drama (paraphrasing but you know what i mean) As you rightly say, you are not privy to any deep understanding on what his wife thinks and why. In your shoes I would not risk opening the door to an overshare by him on his relationship that could make the whole thing worse. You are innocent in this but he may not be..last thing you want is to inadvertantly become the focus of problems.

ToucanBlack · 02/12/2013 12:04

I'd not be impressed.

I also think DH would be a bit if a female work colleague sent that picture. It's all a bit overly-familiar and inappropriate.

You sound a lot more invested in the friendship than he does. "My wife wasn't impressed" sounds less like she 'kicked off' and more like he thought it was odd.

You wasn't showing him your tattoo, you were showing him where you'd put it. (A place that he just happened to mention he found attractive)

I would just leave it. YABU

justtoomessy · 02/12/2013 12:07

I think although you have done nothing wrong it could be misconstrued as flirty if his wife has never met you etc.

I think he was wrong to text you and say he'll call when he could have just said something to you at work so he has made a drama out of it but then again his wife might have pressurised him to text something to you. Sounds like there is a lot more to there situation than you think.

I find it strange that some people don't think it is acceptable to text/phone work colleagues outside of working hours!?!?!? Where do you all meet your friends? Bizarre.

Thatisall · 02/12/2013 12:13

I wouldn't have an issue with this per se but if dh had never mentioned you before and then his phone lit up with a picture that at a glance would just be skin and tatoo with a :-P.....well I think I would fear the worst!

Obviously the truth is that you are very comfortable in male company but perhaps she is not, perhaps to her this amounts to flirting?

Take it on the chin. No point having it outweigh him especially if as you say, you work in a close knot team

ToucanBlack · 02/12/2013 12:22

In response to 'nobody would care if it was from a male colleague'

Can you really imagine a scenario where two male colleagues bantered about where on their bodies one of them should get a tattoo, discussed the attractiveness of different locations. Then after having the tattoo done sending a picture of said tattoo saying "I win... :)"

How can anyone say that isn't flirting??

squoosh · 02/12/2013 12:33

'You don't get teachers texting pupals, nurses ringing up patients for random chit chat, your both paid to do a job.'

Ummmmm no, but I'm sure you get teachers phoning teachers and nurses phoning nurses. I find the 'there's no need to contact colleagues outside of work hours' line very odd indeed.

fluffyraggies · 02/12/2013 12:37

''"My wife wasn't impressed" sounds less like she 'kicked off' and more like he thought it was odd.''

Toucan - i thought this at first. Then changed my mind. Now i'm on the fence

Part of me agrees it's something (a bit cowardly) that a bloke might say to 'hide behind', trying to tell a woman to back off a bit please.

But part of me can also picture a guy saying this as a down play of a bad argument he's had at home in which he behaved like a knob.

FredFredGeorge · 02/12/2013 12:39

I spend almost 30 hours a week in a room with the people I work with, why would I not want to be friendly with them?

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot · 02/12/2013 12:44

If none of us made friends from colleagues, all of us would have alot less friends than we do, is it because OP is the only female of a male dominated working group, people are suspicious of her motives of wanting to be friends with men.

All this "Im not insecure or paranoid stuff" sounds quite the opposite to me.

CloverkissSparklecheeks · 02/12/2013 13:02

I think it sounds a bit over friendly IMO especially as he persuaded you it was a good place to have the tattoo.

As you say it was all completely innocent then I would steer clear from any non work related texts with him as obviously it is going to be an issue. Some people do not really get the crossing the line thing with colleagues, you may both know it is all 100% innocent but to others it may not look that way. To me (rightly or wrongly) that is important, ie how people would perceive my friendships, not just DH but other colleagues.

I am not sure it is because people are untrusting but you onyl have to look on the relatioship boards to see how seemingly innocent texts/exchanges can turn into more.

In a perfect world you should be able to send a colleague of the opposite sex a text of your tattoo but it just isn't that simple.

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot · 02/12/2013 13:06

I think it sounds a bit over friendly IMO especially as he persuaded you it was a good place to have the tattoo.

OP, wanted one on her ankle before the conversation took place, OP said he was trying to sway her to have it on the foot instead, but she went with the ankle. Just thought i'd clear that up.

Chattymummyhere · 02/12/2013 13:13

I don't know as a friend of a teacher they only contact if must and for work events.

I wouldn't be friends with someone just because I worked with them, I would rather make friends though hobbies and interests, how many people stay friends with ex colleges?

There is a line between work and not work, and a lot of bosses believe work is purely for work not to make nice..

I really don't care that sue from accounting like fast cars and shoes, or that mark from hr likes currys and diamonds, I have no need to know this info it just wastes part of the day with inane chit chat

ormirian · 02/12/2013 13:15

I'd not like it. I used to bend over backwards to be open-minded about H's friendships with work colleagues even when they made me a tad uncomfortable. And then he had an affair with one of them. I am a little narrower in my thinking now.... thankfully so is he.

I have worked almost exclusively with men for many many years. In order to have a good working relationship I have to see myself and be seen as an honorary bloke, or at least not notably 'feminine'. It's just easier. You need to step back a little. Sorry, but in-work relationships have to be different to others.

squoosh · 02/12/2013 13:24

'I don't know as a friend of a teacher they only contact if must and for work events.'

'I wouldn't be friends with someone just because I worked with them, I would rather make friends though hobbies and interests, how many people stay friends with ex colleges?'

There are thousands of teachers in the country I'm sure plenty of them can count other teachers in their friendship group. I'm certainly not friends with everyone I work with but have kept at least one friend from every job I've had.

I think it's really weird that people don't think friendships can me made in the workplace.

thebody · 02/12/2013 13:32

he said he really likes feminine ankles and foot tattoos....he kind of talked me into it

seriously op. of course this is flirting. step away now.

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot · 02/12/2013 13:38

*A while back, we were talking about tattoos and I mentioned one that I was planning on my ankle. He said he really likes feminine ankle and foot tattoos. I'd said I wasn't 100% on getting it there and he kind of tried to talk me into it.

Anyway, I had said tattoo but at the bottom of my leg, slightly brushing my ankle.

I was already planning the tattoo for either bottom of my leg or top of my foot. He was trying to sway me towards the foot, I opted for the bottom of my leg.*

He wanted foot, she did the leg, she didnt do as he asked did she. And her DH has no problem with what she did and thought the reaction was weird, obviously her workmate has form, Op wasnt to know this, lesson learned.

symfem · 02/12/2013 13:39

It's fine

You did nothing wrong

Whatever issue is lies with the guys wife. She may be insecure (she sounds like she is mn member), but that's not your look out .

Friendship in work is just like anywhere else, it's fun, it's sharing, it's having a laugh. You don't lose the urge to socialize and communicate with others just because you are married

Chattymummyhere · 02/12/2013 13:43

Squoosh

I guess it's just one of those things most people I know don't make their colleges their friends, in all the time dh has worked including before we got together his friends where old school friends, people he shares hobbies with the only time he has had friends he works with are when they where friends before they worked together.

I believe too much time in work gets spent on talking crap about personal lives which really does not belong in the work place your there to work not have a coffee morning making buddies. Even work place bullies get their ammo from somewhere normally over hearing a personal chat or person one chats to person two who passes on the details to person three. If everyone just did their jobs work would get done quicker with less bad feeling and hostility.

I would hate to pay people to do a job and they effectively waste my money by making the job take longer from chatting about out of work things.

CloverkissSparklecheeks · 02/12/2013 13:43

I think this is what made me feel it could come across the wrong way, his wife (or him) could not have known the OP had sent it to 20 other people. The smiley comes across over friendly also.

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