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Original poster

Text, wife not impressed??

272 replies

SheldonsLeftFlipFlop · 01/12/2013 20:41

I have an acquaintance / mate who I know via work. We've been on nights out in small groups and enjoy a laugh and joke.

A while back, we were talking about tattoos and I mentioned one that I was planning on my ankle. He said he really likes feminine ankle and foot tattoos. I'd said I wasn't 100% on getting it there and he kind of tried to talk me into it.

Anyway, I had said tattoo but at the bottom of my leg, slightly brushing my ankle. I sent him a picture of it with a jokey line and thought no more of it. I then got a reply ages later saying his wife wasn't impressed. I genuinely had no idea what he was on about, so just replied sorry?? He then text me this afternoon saying his wife had calmed down, but she thought it was inappropriate.

I honestly would never have thought I was crossing any boundaries by sending what I did. And we do text from time to time. But generally quite run of the mill stuff really. I'm a little bit annoyed that a picture of my ankle is being interpreted as anything untoward too.

He'll ring me tomorrow, so would I be unreasonable to say that I don't really want any part in his relationship issues, and nor am I comfortable with our friendship being treated by him as a secret (which I'm now assuming has been the case)?

OP posts:
squoosh · 02/12/2013 13:45

So people only do a job effectively if they refuse to engage in a friendly manner with their colleagues? Right-ho.

Chattymummyhere · 02/12/2013 13:47

Engage with anyone you want in your own time, but I think when your being paid to do a job it's the job you should be doing not making friends... Which is why I believe work colleges are just that of people where not wasting time chatting about crap these threads wouldn't even come up on mn as they wouldn't be texting each other

squoosh · 02/12/2013 13:49

Goodness me. Luckily for you with your charming ways I'm sure people engaging you in chit chat isn't a problem you often need to deal with.

MammaTJ · 02/12/2013 13:53

I wouldn't have a problem if any of the women DP works with sent him a text with a picture of a new tattoo, I really wouldn't. But, I know most of them. He does not have FB, so I am friends with them on FB and they use that to keep in touch with his/us. I often show him pictures of their tattoos that they have posted on FB.

I wouldn't have an issue with it, but that is not to say I think his DW is wrong to. We do not know the history, and while your relationship is purely that of friendship, she may suspect her DH of other intentions.

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot · 02/12/2013 13:55

Chatty, if your job is to be part of a team, working together and its vital to the job, then how can you work in a team of people you dont deem important enough to even be civil with, trust is key, if you dont wanna even be civil, then you certainly wont trust them.

MammaTJ · 02/12/2013 13:55

how many people stay friends with ex colleges?

I do, for one. Some of my closest friend are ex colleagues.

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot · 02/12/2013 13:57

My best friend has many friends from every job she has, shes a friendly person, her boyfriend is friends with his old work mates, even though he lives 600 miles away.

Chattymummyhere · 02/12/2013 14:02

Be civil talk about the job, discuss the job and the work needed for the job.

But you don't need to talk about tattoo's, pets, curry, football to work as a team of people who are all wanting the end result of a job that's done well how the boss wants it and on time.

The amount of fuck ups I've seen because half way though a work based chat some totally unrelated crap creeps in, important parts of messages/work go missing and it's left for someone else to pick up peieces of it.

If bob spends his time focusing on work and making sure the work done, bob will be finished on time and be the one the boss more then likely gives a pay rise too.

If dan does the work but it takes longer because his busy talking about last nights match, dan is going to be the one out of the two who would be pulled up about time management and if he can meet the standards with job requires of him

squoosh · 02/12/2013 14:04

If Jim is without people skills he won't be popular with management or peers.

Chattymummyhere · 02/12/2013 14:07

Having people skills is totally different from wasting company time, you could be the best sales rep going and get all the deals don't mean you have to want to talk to your college about their cat

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot · 02/12/2013 14:07

If Jim is not popular or respected, how can he be expected to lead a work force.

Being friendly and approachable, it goes a long way, instead of being stand offish.

whatever5 · 02/12/2013 14:09

I personally wouldn't mind if a work colleague sent DH a picture of a tattoo on their ankle. DH and I work in similar jobs though and that kind of thing would be considered acceptable. It may not be the kind of thing you do in the environment your colleague's wife works in though. She may also have reason to be suspicious of him.

I wouldn't apologise or discuss the text with him as his relationship is not your problem. I would just tell him that you can't see why it was an issue but you won't send him any texts in future.

flippinada · 02/12/2013 14:19

Sheldon I'm sure you didn't intend anything untoward by this but I suspect this man has more than friendly intentions iyswim, so I would give him a wide(r) berth and keep things on more of a professional level.

His wife's reaction is neither here nor there really - why is he trying to make it an issue? The cynical side of me thinks he is wanting to draw you in to a situation where he has you sympathising over how unreasonable his wife is, not like you who is so much fun and so on.

As for the side issue of colleagues making friends - why not?

SatisfiedOtter · 02/12/2013 14:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SatisfiedOtter · 02/12/2013 14:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bleedingheart · 02/12/2013 14:32

No problem with texting colleagues.

The text seems a little intimate though, with the message that would be hard for him to explain without sounding like you are flirting.

I'd distance myself if I were you.

bleedingheart · 02/12/2013 14:35

I also don't think people who wouldn't like it are jealous or insecure.It's about respect and if you think someone is creating intimacy or flirting with your partner, you can feel disrespected.

MaidOfStars · 02/12/2013 14:36

It really doesn't matter whether the OP was unreasonable to send the photo, whether the wife was unreasonable to object or whether the guy is making an unreasonably big issue of it. For what it's worth though, I think neither the OP nor the wife is particular unreasonable.

Which leaves him, flirting with a work colleague (usually harmless), engaging in photo texting, bringing his wife into it, phoning you about it all....it's a bit fucking dramatic.

OP needs to disengage herself. And also, it won't have escaped anyone's attention that the wife is very likely to see any text she sends to the guy. Him phoning you would appear to be an incredibly poor decision on his part, so he's either stupid, reckless or doing it under duress (with her present).

Honestly, I would shoulder the blame (unfairly or not) and text (remember it is to both of them!) to say 'Sorry, I didn't think how awkward sending that photo might look. I definitely didn't mean to cross any colleague-mate boundaries. Please pass on my apologies to your wife.

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot · 02/12/2013 14:37

But OP has sent the picture to others, so what the wife might see as flirting, OP may think just sending a picture, her DH didnt have an issue with it, OP wasnt to know is DW would have an issue, shes obviously not privvy to marital issues, and nor tries to me.

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot · 02/12/2013 14:41

The blame here is obviously the colleague, he couldnt tell his wife the reason for the message, as that does sound like hes flirting with OP, whether or not OP noticed or saw it as flirting, OP and DW arent being unreasonable, colleague has made it seem more than it is.

flippinada · 02/12/2013 14:50

Yep - I reckon colleague is stirring the pot for reasons of his own. Could be he's after more that friendship, or maybe he just likes creating dramas. Who knows. Probably best left to his own devices.

RigglinRoundTheChristmasTree · 02/12/2013 15:09

It has nothing to do with people skills, I am renown for awesome communication and people skills blows own trumpet BUT I do not and will not engage with anything on a personal level other than social niceties.

Completely aside, but I have witnessed more disciplinary action due to personal info or unwork related comments/actions to do it myself.

As chatty says, work is for work. If you make friends along the way, or feel you can share in the office then there's a bonus. Not everyone shares that view though.

Madmammy83 · 02/12/2013 16:30

Sorry, but "I win :P" - what did you mean by that? It's your body, did he feel like he had a legitimate say in where you got the tattoo? Also, you haven't said what he replied to it initially?

I think you like the attention and so does he. "Banter" over text almost destroyed my relationship a few years ago, until we had a long chat and then-partner admitted he found it flattering that a woman was giving him attention.

At best, you've both overstepped the mark.
At worst, you've sent a foot fetishist his own particular breed of aphrodisiac.

Either way, tread carefully and knock the "matey" texts and banter (I HATE that word btw) on the head. For all you know, the wife could be sick and tired of hearing about you, but I suspect if she actually did go mad, then he's being unnecessarily secretive which means he considers your friendship worthy of deceit.

Original poster
SheldonsLeftFlipFlop · 02/12/2013 18:23

Sorry been too busy to reply before now. Just to address some of the points made:

I certainly don't see our friendship as anything more. I don't flirt with him and am not interested in anything further. I've never noticed him flirting with me either.

I work in a very sociable, relaxed sort of environment. People work long shifts, and if there was no personality about the place then productivity would drop massively.

I don't work at the same site as him, so tend to see him once a month or so.

I'm very comfortable in male company, partly because I've always worked with men, and partly because I don't distinguish between male and female with regards how I am with people.

He did not persuade me to get my tattoo. I already had it drawn up and had decided to have it on my ankle. He suggested my foot instead, which I laughed off. He insisted I'd change my mind once I thought about it, hence the text.

We spoke today but I avoided any personal conversation and kept it to an update on our project. This is quite strange for me as I'm generally a very sociable person, so would probably be enough to tell him I don't want to know etc without the need for a drama inducing chat.

Yes you could see quite clearly that it was the bottom of my leg as my shoes were visable.

I'm friends with loads of people from work. I find that aside from the fact that I like the people I'm friends with, and we socialise outside of work etc, I find it conducive to not be stand offish with people I work with, especially as we all rely on each other.

OP posts:
Madmammy83 · 02/12/2013 19:29

If it was someone you saw every day I could understand the jokey friendship but you only see him once a month?!

I know you've done nothing wrong here, you don't see it as a problem - but the issue is that this man is married, his wife clearly has a problem with your friendship, so out of respect for the man, his marriage, and his wife, keep the contact strictly business from now on.