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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Text, wife not impressed??

272 replies

SheldonsLeftFlipFlop · 01/12/2013 20:41

I have an acquaintance / mate who I know via work. We've been on nights out in small groups and enjoy a laugh and joke.

A while back, we were talking about tattoos and I mentioned one that I was planning on my ankle. He said he really likes feminine ankle and foot tattoos. I'd said I wasn't 100% on getting it there and he kind of tried to talk me into it.

Anyway, I had said tattoo but at the bottom of my leg, slightly brushing my ankle. I sent him a picture of it with a jokey line and thought no more of it. I then got a reply ages later saying his wife wasn't impressed. I genuinely had no idea what he was on about, so just replied sorry?? He then text me this afternoon saying his wife had calmed down, but she thought it was inappropriate.

I honestly would never have thought I was crossing any boundaries by sending what I did. And we do text from time to time. But generally quite run of the mill stuff really. I'm a little bit annoyed that a picture of my ankle is being interpreted as anything untoward too.

He'll ring me tomorrow, so would I be unreasonable to say that I don't really want any part in his relationship issues, and nor am I comfortable with our friendship being treated by him as a secret (which I'm now assuming has been the case)?

OP posts:

Topaz25 · 05/12/2013 10:04

Pagwatch, I didn't say "He must have a foot fetish." at all. Just a possible explanation of why he tried to talk OP into a tattoo in that area and his wife took an apparently innocent photo so badly. The truth is none of us knows what it's about except the people in the relationship, we're all just guessing.

DeckTheHallsWithBonesAndSkully · 05/12/2013 11:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YouTheCat · 05/12/2013 11:53

I can't believe anyone thinks having a gander at their partner's texts is okay. It is an intrusion of privacy.

Deck, I have 2 on my chest and one on my arm - I am past saving.

Original poster

SheldonsLeftFlipFlop · 05/12/2013 12:10

Erm I never said I don't want to know about his relationship, I said I don't want to be part of any drama. And I stand by that as I don't want to be caught up in some drama that I have no control over!!

The pride I feel is very much symbolic of the pride I feel when I think of how DH has handled everything over the last year. For me it is a reminder of his incredible strength.

As for looking at DH's phone, I wouldn't dream of it. And I'd be furious if he looked at mine! If somebody wants to speak with either of us, they will contact us via our own phones. Just because we're in a relationship with each other doesn't mean we're an extension of each other. I value my privacy very highly and afford other people the same. To me it is totally disrespectful to deny your partner any sort of privacy!

And yes clearly I'm a cheap harlot beyond redemption as I have 3 in total and another being planned.

OP posts:

YouTheCat · 05/12/2013 12:22

What are you planning next, Sheldon?

I'm not sure what I want for my next one.

DeckTheHallsWithBonesAndSkully · 05/12/2013 12:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

clickers123 · 05/12/2013 12:51

Maybe just show him it next time!

Millenniumbug1 · 05/12/2013 12:55

It seems to me that your harmless text has been seen by his wife, out of context, & either blown up out of all proportion or used as the excuse she's needed to begin a dialogue with him about a whole raft of other issues.
In his shoes, wouldn't you just have said, "Oh yeah, Sheldon & her DH have had one hell of a year, this is their favourite song. We all said she should have it done on her foot but she's had it done on her ankle & sent us all a photo - lucky us!"
Just watch your back & keep it strictly business from now on. Sounds like you've had enough to cope with this year, you don't need someone dumping their bag of cr*p on your doorstep too.

(I hope you were always chaperoned, reaches for the smelling salts!)

StealthPolarBear · 05/12/2013 13:02

Maybe the wife is upset because she knows she has reason to be

Original poster

SheldonsLeftFlipFlop · 05/12/2013 13:03

I'm having a quote but kind of implemented into a dream sequence, on the side of my pelvic area. Bit hard to explain really! But it's a concept of reflection.

I'm very fortunate in that one of my best friends is a tattoo artist!

OP posts:

Beastofburden · 05/12/2013 13:12

Well I may be in the minority, but if I was that possessive and irrational, I think my DH would run for the hills. What is wrong with work friendships? Why can't they involve females being fond of your DH and having a joke? Not everything is about sex and betrayal. Friendships can matter a lot to people.

Some women feel the need to own their man completely in every area.

FluffyJumper · 05/12/2013 13:15

I always find it irritating on threads like this when if you say you're fine with your DH having friends then people say you're just trying to be cool. Er... no. Just happy for him to have friends and don't assume he wants to shag randoms or friends.

StealthPolarBear · 05/12/2013 13:22

beast, what I'm suggesting is that she may be being rationally possessive. Nothing to do with OP, but maybe she has reasons to not trust him

rootypig · 05/12/2013 13:39

OP you are a fucking saint of remaining so equable in the face of this thread.

Sounds like a case of crossed wires, but you did nothing wrong if you meant nothing by it.

And you've already gone this route but lest said, soonest mended.

LeBearPolar · 05/12/2013 13:40

Some women feel the need to own their man completely in every area.

Yes - this. The fact that according to some (and there do seem to be a lot on MN), women and men really can't be friends because it is scientifically impossible for them not to be shagging drives me up the wall.

TheAwfulDaughter · 05/12/2013 14:13

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

rootypig · 05/12/2013 14:26

Awful approximately none of what you said is the OP's responsibility. If anything, the OP acknowledges there maybe such issues and is saying AIBU for not wanting to be any part of them.

Unless of course you think a woman who knows nothing about him or his relationship is more responsible for it than he is. Oh, wait.

wouldbemedic · 05/12/2013 15:02

What an interesting row. But a bit exhausting. I'm sure the OP has long got bored and wandered off.

There's no consensus here at all - there never is in these threads because exclusivity within a marriage seems to be defined pretty much between the two people in it. Consequently I don't think it's possible to extrapolate anything about the relationship based on the wife's response.

If the OP genuinely wanted advice, I hope it's helped her to see that for many women, this text would have been a bit much, rightly or wrongly. So she'd be a fool to risk it again, with anyone, because it's a headache waiting to happen.

Personally, I think it's good form to err on the side of formality in a friendship with someone else's man.

YouTheCat · 05/12/2013 15:18

Are they property?

normalishdude · 05/12/2013 15:25

Inappropriate to send it. IMO

Original poster

SheldonsLeftFlipFlop · 05/12/2013 15:49

Hmmm but why would the fact that they're "someone else's man" even be relevant when I become friends with someone?? If it helps, I'm bisexual, so presumably by that logic I shouldn't be friends with anybody at all as obviously I'll want them all and be unable to control myself??

If he were to have said to me that it was a bit raw because of past issues then I'd think no more of it and apologise profusely for any upset

And no it isn't strange at all to talk to my friends when their respective partners aren't present. In fact I can't say I've ever thought to check whether they were there or not really, unless they happen to mention that they're with someone or on their own or whatever.

For the record I have a lot of male friends, and haven't encountered anything like this before

OP posts:

FluffyJumper · 05/12/2013 16:10

Yes, the 'wife wasn't impressed' presumably meant she wasn't impressed with you i.e. that you had done something wrong. Not the case here I think. Those who are saying it was inappropriate presumably work in much more straight laced environments.

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