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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel upset my friend didn't lend me any money?

217 replies

ShakeRattleNRoll · 21/11/2013 19:33

I've known him for 8 years as a neighbor and I have never asked to borrow money off him before .We have always got on and I consider him a friend .I hate asking to borrow money off anybody but needs must and he has plenty of it .I over spent today on brand new jacket for £15 which should have been £60 but I couldn't let it go and I was confident of borrowing against it . I have a direct debit which is due out tomorrow for (£12) and I've messed it up .I wish I hadn't asked now. My grandmother used to say to me the best way to lose a friend is to lend them money.I disagree with that because I always pay back my debts if I ever have them.Anyhow this supposed friend said to me I don't like lending money and refused to lend me any.AIBU to feel upset about this?

OP posts:
LovesBeingHereAgain · 22/11/2013 05:29

If I were in tge financial position I was 5 years ago and friend asked me to lend them £15 for a coat cause they were tgat skint, I would have given it to them. Now I'm skint I would probably have lent it.

paxtecum · 22/11/2013 06:28

It is very hard being skint.
It is Sod's Law that you see very useful bargains when you are skint.
It is a fact that missing one Direct Debit can spiral into massive bank charges.
It can be cheaper using a loan shark than a bank.

OP: Stop using your petrol on your neighbour.
You can't afford it.

Best wishes to you.

Thepursuitofhappiness · 22/11/2013 06:44

Hi OP,

Glad you won't have to pay the bank charges.

I do think you should use this episode positively though to review your finances. How about for next month you write a proper budget for all your expenses (it will be £15 harder next month than this as you will have to cover your overspend. For this one month note down where every pound is going. You may be surprised about where your money is going and may find easy cuts to make so you are not so close to £0.

I don't think the lesson you take away should be that your neighbour is a tight git, mean, who doesn't trust you. Some people just don't lend money to friends and finding awkward. Let it go.

firesidechat · 22/11/2013 08:13

I never ask to borrow money off friends, I never lend money to friends.

I think it is very rude and entitled to expect somebody to lend some to you. You don't know if they have been burnt lending somebody money in the past.

For me it's just a huge no. If somebody I knew was really struggling to feed or clothe their children I'd rather help them out at the time with what they needed but it would be a gift. I just don't get involved in lending. I'm not a bank and can't afford to become one.

YABVU

I agree with Salty

Beastofburden · 22/11/2013 08:53

Shyla, it used to be a regional difference. Lending and borrowing were used differently in the north of the uk and in the south. I think originally the Northrn usages came from the phrase "I'll have a lend of your coat" meaning, " I'll borrow your coat".

Divinity · 22/11/2013 09:06

I'm pleased your mum helped you out OP. This thread has reminded me of Dickens and Mr Micawber's recipe for happiness:

"Annual income twenty pounds, annual expenditure nineteen pounds, nineteen shillings and six pence, result happiness. Annual income twenty pounds, annual expenditure, twenty pounds nought and six, result misery."

And having exceeded my income the last three months in a row its a reminder I also need. Thanks OP. Wink

thegreylady · 22/11/2013 09:07

You should be able to ask a friend for a loan without embarrassment and if you are asked you should feel able to lend. We would always lend money to a friend and we have good friends who would lend large sums if asked (we never have) .
It's a matter of trust. You trust that you will be paid back. When I thought I might need to pay for a cancer treatment I was about to refuse it as it was several thousand pounds. These friends offered the money without being asked. In the end the oncologist got funding from the pct but I'll never forget the offer.

Divinity · 22/11/2013 09:13

I agree she should not feel about embarrassed to ask a friend for help but not that a person is expected to agree. It was unreasonable to call him names because he refused.

TwoStepsBeyond · 22/11/2013 09:32

thegreylady, there is a massive difference between someone offering to lend you money for cancer treatment and someone asking for money for a designer coat.

Of course if it was something serious and I HAD the money I would happily lend it, knowing I may never get it back.

However, if someone is just rubbish at budgeting, is living on the edge of their means (as I am btw) and asks to borrow money for something which is non-essential, just too much of a bargain to resist, then no, someone else should not be put in the awkward position of feeling obliged to lend them money or come across as mean by saying no.

The neighbour may have spare money exactly because when he sees a 'bargain' he decides if he actually needs it or not. Why should his careful nature be taken advantage of by someone who is not as considered in their shopping habits.

ShylaMcCall · 22/11/2013 09:48

Thanks for the explanation beastofburden. I also meant to type synonyms rather than similes Grin

Purple2012 · 22/11/2013 10:01

Yabvu to call him names for not wanting to lend you money. I have a very good friend who also bought things she couldn't afford. She ended up in a huge amount of debt. Has had an IVA hanging over her for years and still hasn't learned a lesson about not buying what she can't afford. I wouldn't lend her money. She earns more than me and then moans because I can afford holidays and she can't. The reason I can afford holidays is I budget, don't buy what u can't afford and save money every month. I also never spend more on the credit card than I have in the bank. I pay it off every month so I don't pay I interest on it.

QueenofallIsee · 22/11/2013 10:52

People like you make my face hurt 'poor me, he is mean, I have less than him blah blah blah, tigh git etc'. Not your friends fault you are skint and fed up of it. You sound horrible

PumpkinPositive · 22/11/2013 11:00

Just last week I gifted him a lovely leather wallet and a candlestick holder and I drove him into town to help with his shopping

Hope you didn't spend money (it sounds as if you don't have) on those items. Hmm

fromparistoberlin · 22/11/2013 11:02

YABVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVU

fromparistoberlin · 22/11/2013 11:03

sorry thats was a tad harsh, its crap being skint

but I would assume he did not lend as did not want embrassment of asking for money back

Aquariusgirl86 · 22/11/2013 11:19

Don't buy what you can't afford. Weird to assume someone else should and would lend you money for such an unimportant purchase! Yabu

Objection · 22/11/2013 11:43

Just last week I gifted him a lovely leather wallet and a candlestick holder

And then the following week you were highly in risk of missing a direct debit.

I'm getting the strong impression you are bad with money (and your posts are coming across as victim-y, entitled and childish - sorry, that may not be the reality but I'm afraid thats how its coming across, as someone pointed out up thread) and perhaps your neighbour of 8 years also gets this impression and therefore isn't facilitating your spend-thriftyness by lending you money for a jacket

Initially I thought if I was the bloke I would just lend you the money out of politeness but the more info we get the less inclined I would be to do so.

Objection · 22/11/2013 11:47

Oh, and the issue isn't so much you asking to borrow money but the fact that you have such a major issue with him refusing and then going on to call this so called "great friend" a variety of insults.

Its ironic that you are implying that he is the bad friend here.

Beastofburden · 22/11/2013 14:04

Shyla I noticed the simile/ synonym thing, but I knew what you meant :)

ormirian · 22/11/2013 14:09

Hmm... I leant £225 to a friend who was in dire need 18 m ago. I have so far had 100 back Hmm We are now much less well off as DH pay has gone down and I could really do with the money back. I am now even more sure that it's a crap idea to lend money to friends.....

IAmTheLordOfRedundancy · 22/11/2013 15:19

I lent £25 to someone who put a guilt trip on me to do so. This person was always asking for small things like bread, milk, teabags etc. She has avoided me ever since and no longer uees me as a convenience store. Best fucking £25 I ever spent. :o

AnnieJanuary · 22/11/2013 16:25

Are you about 11 or something?

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot · 22/11/2013 16:27

IAmTheLordOfRedundancy Until she decides she needs atm atleast, needs to get her own damn teabags.

Thatisall · 22/11/2013 17:06

You just assumed that your neighbour would give you money and bought something you couldn't afford. Now it's his fault your dd will be declined.
Are you being serious?

SoftKittyWarmKitty · 22/11/2013 20:00

Your neighbour wouldn't bail you out of the mess you'd created, so you went running to mummy? Take responsibility for yourself, rather than relying on others to do it for you.