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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel upset my friend didn't lend me any money?

217 replies

ShakeRattleNRoll · 21/11/2013 19:33

I've known him for 8 years as a neighbor and I have never asked to borrow money off him before .We have always got on and I consider him a friend .I hate asking to borrow money off anybody but needs must and he has plenty of it .I over spent today on brand new jacket for £15 which should have been £60 but I couldn't let it go and I was confident of borrowing against it . I have a direct debit which is due out tomorrow for (£12) and I've messed it up .I wish I hadn't asked now. My grandmother used to say to me the best way to lose a friend is to lend them money.I disagree with that because I always pay back my debts if I ever have them.Anyhow this supposed friend said to me I don't like lending money and refused to lend me any.AIBU to feel upset about this?

OP posts:
BrianTheMole · 21/11/2013 20:49

Well, if you haven't got a winter coat then fair enough for you to want to buy it. Its a difficult one. Fwiw I'd lend one of my friends the money for it.

littlemisssarcastic · 21/11/2013 20:53

I don't understand this part of your OP;

I hate asking to borrow money off anybody but needs must and he has plenty of it

honeybunny14 · 21/11/2013 20:55

Yabvvu

Original poster
ShakeRattleNRoll · 21/11/2013 21:00

it doesn't mean anything little miss it' was a pointless thing to say .All i wanted to say was that he could afford it. hth

OP posts:
LifeIsBetterInFlipFlops · 21/11/2013 21:15

You put him in a dreadful position, and he is clearly dwelling on it.

The fact that he can afford it is totally beside the point.

A true friend would absolutely not lend you the money.

gamerchick · 21/11/2013 21:38

I think you're getting a bit of a kicking OP. FWIW I do understand where you're coming from. I don't borrow money but I've been the one who used to get asked and it was relentless after that. I had to put a stop to it in the end. I would never lend again to anybody.

You took a chance and it didn't pan put the way you expected it too despite knowing you'll pay it back. Even those who pay it back get irritating because they keep asking.

Chalk it up and try not to borrow unless it's desperate times.

Kandypane · 21/11/2013 21:38

I don't think it matters how many times people tell the OP she is being unreasonable. She clearly only agrees with the minority of posters saying she wasn't being unreasonable!

Honestly, I wonder why people bother to ask the question when they don't want to hear the answer!

Shonajoy · 21/11/2013 21:44

I read it as the jacket was reduced from 60 to 15, which is a good deal if you desperately needed a decent jacket. But you should have asked first. Also, with a direct debit going out if you phone your bank and are nice they might not charge you x

fluffaduck · 21/11/2013 21:51

I read the original post as the OP bought the £15 jacket as they are normally £60 which she was then going to use to borrow against it as in, take it to a cash convertors/pawn shop and get more than the £15 she originally paid.
Did I misunderstand this?

NotMeNotYouNotAnyone · 21/11/2013 21:56

Yabvu

You can't budget on the assumption of being able to borrow money from someone else!

Whether he can afford it or not is irrelevant (and how do you known for sure that he can?! Do you see his bank statements?).

It's a jacket and it's winter. But you can't afford it so you shouldn't have got it. You wait til you can afford it even if that means you can't get the one you would've liked to get. I can't believe you don't own a single jacket that could keep you warm and dry in the meantime.

I do sympathise because I got myself into major debt because I had to have things and borrowed to get them. I'm now paying it all back so ending up scrimping more than if I'd just lived within my means in the first place. I got things under control but I couldn't get credit now if I wanted it so have no choice other than to live within my means!

Don't find out the hard way, stick to spending money you actually have!

MudCity · 21/11/2013 21:57

Oh OP...what a predicament! Apologise to your neighbour for putting him in this situation. And, when funds allow, get him a bottle of wine to say sorry.

I don't lend money either. Simply because, if the other person doesn't pay it back, I remember that and feel resentful. It ruins a good friendship.

Don't be upset. Speak to your bank right now and see if you can get a temporary overdraft arrangement.

Good luck.

Objection · 21/11/2013 22:08

To be blunt, if your financial situation is such that you can only just afford a £12 direct debit then you shouldn't be going out spending on luxuries. YABU I'm afraid - I personally would have lent you the money in his shoes as it sounds like he could afford it and I'd have felt rude not doing so but I don't think that means he WBU.

sweetskull · 21/11/2013 22:14

Hi OP

I have lent money to friends/family in the past. Big sums for big bills like rent in London / holidays / presents for children.

I have borrowed from family and banks in the past too.

I believe that only one time I got slightly less money back than I lent, it was a very confusing situation and I had to chase it, but guess what, the person wasn't even a friend was a new working colleague.

I would have lent you money. You maybe sound a bit disorganised with your finances right now but I am sure you will be back on your feet. I totally get the charity shop bargain situation and I would be mad if I had to let a good bargain go to.

Don't feel bad for asking. It is a shame your friend didn't lend you money, but people borrow/lend money all the time it is not a big crime and you have done nothing wrong.

Apologise to him and never ask to him again because now you say he will say no.

TwoStepsBeyond · 21/11/2013 22:22

I lent my neighbour £50 for emergency cigarettes and coffee food etc which she said she'd pay back the following week.

Next week she paid it back as promised, but the following week asked again.

I lent it to her again, the following week she was unable to pay it back.

A couple of weeks later she asked again. I realised this was not a one-off, she was just rubbish at managing her money.

Btw she has a well paid job and a working DH, she regularly lends her own DM money but won't tell her DH this as he would be cross. I am a single mum working PT.

I have since learned to say no, but she still asks regularly. It's a horrible situation to be put in, especially as we're not that close. If it was a close friend I'd be more inclined, but even so, I would rather not be asked.

Minnieisthedevilmouse · 21/11/2013 22:28

Wonder how many of those being snippy use credit cards..... Just faceless neighbours then surely.

Op as someone else said, if this made you think then great. I think he's probably a good friend. Don't write him off yet.

Retroformica · 21/11/2013 22:30

I'm on the fence. I used to lend money to various friends/family but was taken advantage if a good number of times. I don't lend money to anyone really these days. However I would struggle to say no to a very close trustworthy friend.

Mimishimi · 21/11/2013 22:31

I'd feel really uncomfortable if a neighbour asked to borrow money from us because I'd feel it wouldn't stop there and it could create really bad feelings which we could only move away from. YANBU to buy the jacket, it was a good deal, but if you knew you had other debts to pay, it is unreasonable to expect someone else to pay for the shortfall, especially if they are not family, regardless of their own financial situation (and no one really know how much money someone else has unless they are their accountant, tax agent etc).

Joysmum · 21/11/2013 22:34

Little tip for you, spend the money you can afford and don't expect others to subsidise your excesses.

tracypenisbeaker · 21/11/2013 22:34

People should stop kicking the OP when she is clearly down. She has acknowledged she was BU and has agreed to apologise.

Hope your situation picks up OP, its not easy asking for help. I'm sure your pride is hurt and that is why you came here looking for reassurance x

UnicornsPooGlitter · 21/11/2013 22:35

Minnie, that's clearly different.

nokidshere · 21/11/2013 22:36

I think the only problem here OP was that you should have asked first.

Tbh if one if my friends was skint and needed a winter coat I would lend then the money without question if I had it. And they would do the same for me should I ever find myself in such a predicament.

fluffaduck · 21/11/2013 22:39

Noki I don't think the op needed a winter coat. The op said she bought the coat as they retail at £60 and she was going to borrow against it as in take it to a cash convertors and get more back than what she paid.

firesidechat · 21/11/2013 22:39

I'm sorry but I can't imagine any situation apart from starvation that would compel me to ask neighbours, friends or family for money. Maybe I have an excess of pride or something.

I'm quite shocked that this is considered normal.

I have given freely of time and money, but it was never asked for and there was no expectation of payback. Surely asking like this puts people in a very embarrassing and difficult position.

There are too many stories like this where relationships are permanently soured by lending money and failures to repay.

SoftKittyWarmKitty · 21/11/2013 22:44

It doesn't matter whether or not your neighbour has plenty of money. You don't, therefore you should not have spent the money. Instead, you should have explained to the charity shop that you really needed a winter jacket (if indeed you did need it), and asked them to hold it for a couple of days. Or you should have asked him before you bought the jacket so you could make a decision knowing that he wouldn't be lending you the money, rather than just assuming he would.

You sound a bit 'woe is me' tbh. Sorry if that's harsh but I think you realise that you made the wrong decision and are trying to justify or rationalise it by saying how shit your life is - your subsequent posts come across as a bit 'victimy'. Don't be a victim of your own circumstance. All situations can be turned around. Do you work? If so, could you ask for more hours? Retrain? Use your neighbour's relative wealth as something to aim for. Instead of thinking 'He's got lots of money, I want to borrow some of his', think 'He's got lots of money, I want to earn as much as him'.

Chippednailvarnish · 21/11/2013 22:45

All i wanted to say was that he could afford it.

His financial situation is none of your business, your financial situation is none of his business.

He doesn't have any obligation to lend you anything and you sound entitled to be making comments on what he can or cannot afford to do with his own money.