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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think these childless women should mind their fucking business

261 replies

TheCrumpetQueen · 09/11/2013 07:01

Warning - fuming.

Partner went out tonight for work, came home late, ds got up at 1am then 3am, I asked partner for help as he wouldn't stop crying.
He then turns to me and said he had been talking to some women who had said he shouldn't have to help at night as he works Hmm talk about sisterhood.
To say I was pissed off is an understatement and an argument ensued. He went and slept on the sofa.
Wibu to go and flick these women in the face along with P?

OP posts:
Backinthering · 09/11/2013 07:04

Your problem is your partner.

headoverheels · 09/11/2013 07:07

Agree with Back

Geckos48 · 09/11/2013 07:11

Need more info, how many children do you have?

When I had my first I could 'sleep when he sleeps' so husband didn't need to do much of the night stuff
With my youngest I had my eldest so we shared it because we both had to be up in the morning

We always shared the weekends equally or according to who was more tired. So if I was knackered all week he would take the baby and let me have a lie in both days.

KenDoddsDadsDog · 09/11/2013 07:12

What does it matter how many she has ?

SoupDragon · 09/11/2013 07:14

Because being on maternity leave with just one is different from having more than one.

SoupDragon · 09/11/2013 07:15

As Gecko said, if you read that far, When I had my first I could 'sleep when he sleeps' so husband didn't need to do much of the night stuff

KenDoddsDadsDog · 09/11/2013 07:15

Should DH or DP not have to help with just one ? DH will be asking for time off in lieu Grin

plum100 · 09/11/2013 07:15

Yes ywbu to do that . They do not know you . They are allowed an opinion. You were not there and did not know what was said - was it in jest - were they drunk? Your husband is being the arse.

But had he had a drink last night? I wouldnt expect my hubbu to help if he had been on a night out - i would let him have a good end to a good night - the same as he wiuld do for me .

maddening · 09/11/2013 07:16

So he is going out and moaning about you and your dc to either his friends/mutual friends/strangers? Yes - he is the problem.

superstarheartbreaker · 09/11/2013 07:17

Your partner is at fault for listening to them and er....sleeping on the sofa...the child.

Meow75 · 09/11/2013 07:18

I'm childfree and I don't agree with them.

Chances are it was a bit of a booze filled conversation and they were telling him what he wanted to hear. I agree, it's your partner that's the problem for listening to them and letting them full his head with crazy ideas.

Are most of them without children simply by virtue of their age? That might have more of a bearing on their attitudes.

Have a Brew and some Cake

AngryBeaver · 09/11/2013 07:19

Hmm, it's tricky.
I KIND of agree?
I'm pregnant with dc 4. Dh hasn't done nights since dc1.
He nearly fell asleep in the motorway once...not good!

He no longer has to drive to work (we emigrated and he gets a boat to work!) but he has a very demanding and stressful job.
If he fucks up, it's bad.

So, that's the way it is.

onetiredmummy · 09/11/2013 07:19

The women at work are not the issue, your dp who listens to them and tries to swerve his responsibilities is.

If you were at a playgroup and the mothers decided that anyone with a partner who didn't help in the night should leave them, would you take them seriously ?

I had an ex h who said exactly the same and since baby was newborn refused to do anything at night except sleep. It's really just an extension of the my life is harder than yours/ more stressful than yours / more important/more valid mindset. Which is nasty .

How is he the rest of the time, does he take on childcare equally when he's not working? Brew

Longfufu · 09/11/2013 07:20

When I was childless, my bosses wife had a baby, they also had a toddler. Boss always came in exhausted because he got up to the baby in the night, I always thought the wife should get up....

I'm now a stay at home mum with a nearly 3 yo and a 14 week old. Oh how my opinion has changed, I can't function looking after children if exhausted, like wise DH can't function at work if exhausted...so we take turns and if one seems more tired we help each other out.

Rewindtimeplease · 09/11/2013 07:21

YABU

Focus on your partner, he's the problem

TheOrchardKeeper · 09/11/2013 07:22

Being a mum is bloody hard work. If you adopted the same selfish attitude then your kids would be neglected Hmm

Longfufu · 09/11/2013 07:22

My friends husband is a pilot. I'd prefer it if he didn't get up in the night...but he does.

SoupDragon · 09/11/2013 07:23

Should DH or DP not have to help with just one ?

Not if they are working the next day and the other parent is not. With one, the parent at home can catch up on sleep.

Geckos48 · 09/11/2013 07:24

Would it be an issue for a woman to talk about childcare duties with her friends on a night out?

It's something we discuss on here all the time.

If your husband is getting up every morning to go to work and you are able to have a nap through the day with the baby, then he is NBU, if you have kids at home all day and have to care for them then YANBU

We really don't have enough information to make a call.

shoppingbagsundereyes · 09/11/2013 07:24

Of course he should help but if you are off work and he has a demanding job it's fair that you should do more of the night stuff, particularly if it's your only child and you can sleep when he sleeps in the day.
My own rule was that I would do the first 3 night time wakings and would ask for help if I was woken up a fourth time. With dd ( second child) I used to all the night times but dh would get up with ds when he woke at 5.
You need to agree in advance how much help you need too. Rows at 3am aren't likely to end well.
I would discuss it tonight and decide what seems fair to you both.

Lemonraisin · 09/11/2013 07:30

How do you know she is childless? I've made similar comments and I've got two. We both work full time, often opposing shifts and take it in turns depending on who is working. If we both are, we share.

Part of the problem here is a comment taken out of context. If, however, he was insinuating that he should have no responsibility at night he WBU.

YABU to aim your annoyance at a person you don't know and who doesn't know you.

PoppyFleur · 09/11/2013 07:32

I agree with others who have said your partner is the problem. His response was not remotely helpful. Is he usually helpful & was this just a one off moment?

KenDoddsDadsDog · 09/11/2013 07:33

3am arguments are never going to end well are they with tiredness and alcohol. Especially with bringing supposed opinions into the mix .
We didn't argue about getting up but used to have silent whispered ahem , debates about how we would settle her if she had a bad few hours.
I worked from DD being young - we just did it depending on how tired we were . I used to MN in the middle of the night !

froubylou · 09/11/2013 07:35

I have been a sahm and worked full time whilst exp did the childcare.

It is much harder to go to work imo.

As a sahm you can catch up during the day. If you have had a tough night you can have an easier day the next day. Even with a toddler.

My DP is a builder. He may be driving some distance away. He will be working at height and with plant machinery. We rely on the accuracy of his work to pay the bills.

I'm 34 weeks pregnant. Unless I am ill I will be doing all nights.

Your DH was bu to discuss the issue outside of the home. The women were bu for blowing sunshine up his arse and telling him what he wanted to hear. But you are bu to expect him to get up in the night and work the next day.

Fwiw the most difficult thing I can think of is for both to work ft as from what I have seen the mother still does most of the childcare as well as working.

Shamoy · 09/11/2013 07:36

Regardless of how many kids they've got. It's Saturday today and I'd bet a whole lot of money that they op's dh works a mon-fri job (hence being out for after works drinks on a Friday)
Of course he should get up in the night to help.
If the op is exhausted enough to ask for help from what sounds like a pretty unhelpful oh then she obviously really needs a break. It's the weekend, plenty of time for them both to catch up on sleep if they work together

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