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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think these childless women should mind their fucking business

261 replies

TheCrumpetQueen · 09/11/2013 07:01

Warning - fuming.

Partner went out tonight for work, came home late, ds got up at 1am then 3am, I asked partner for help as he wouldn't stop crying.
He then turns to me and said he had been talking to some women who had said he shouldn't have to help at night as he works Hmm talk about sisterhood.
To say I was pissed off is an understatement and an argument ensued. He went and slept on the sofa.
Wibu to go and flick these women in the face along with P?

OP posts:
MarlenaGru · 09/11/2013 10:58

frouby I really hope for you that DC2 is not a refluxy baby who cries every single minute from 7pm until 7am. It is possible for a baby to never sleep. And it is possible for them not to be seriously ill too.

I was clearly a terrible mother to DC1. I got at most 2 hours sleep in a row for 9 months. We even tried a sleep clinic. Dh had to help. I was horribly depressed and miserable. I could barely stay awake standing up. And DC1 only slept when held upright or in a car, pram etc. how do you push a pram whilst sleeping?

MarlenaGru · 09/11/2013 11:02

Sorry op YANBU. Parenting should be the responsibility of both parents.

saulaboutme · 09/11/2013 11:11

Wow, yanbu! Lets see if they don't want their ohs to help when they have their kids!

He's been telling them this as why did the conversation go that way? Tell him to fuck himself, and pass it on to them too!

redshifter · 09/11/2013 11:21

I stayed at my mothers last night as I was so upset.Bet he got a lovely sleep and another lie in today where I was up all night again

Why didn't you leave DC with him? He might have realised how hard it is then.

Better still, next time he has a week off work, you stay at your mothers for a week without DC.

Botanicbaby · 09/11/2013 11:25

I agree with brianwont, OP, why direct all the vitriol and blame at 'childless' women?

the problem is with your DP. Having children is a lifestyle choice you have both made, responsibility lies with both of you.

The two of you need to have a serious discussion about your relationship and how to support each other as parents. Preferably not at 3am when one of you has been out drinking.

You say you feel disrespected and unappreciated, presumably by your DP. I don't blame you for feeling that way. But I don't think you should be blaming these other women, whether they are child-free or not is neither here or there. Unless you are implying that they don't 'understand' how parenting should work because the aren't parents themselves? Hmm

Your OP shows that this isn't necessarily exclusive to non-parents in that case.

Stravy · 09/11/2013 11:38

The chances of some women randomly saying that he shouldn't have to get up at night without him having initiating a 'my wife doesn't understand me/is a nag/doesn't appreciate that I'm more important than her' conversation are pretty slim.

Beastofburden · 09/11/2013 11:50

FWIW I did everything before 6am and DH did 6 to 8 am every day before leaving for work, so even on the worst days I got 2 hours guaranteed.

I had to get up as I had 3DC aged 4 and under so there was school and so forth. But if I was a zombie, nobody could sack me for it Grin. Whereas he did need to be on top of things a work.

Now everyone is grown up DH still does 6am starts and I still get my lie in till 7 and later on weekends.....

froubylou · 09/11/2013 11:53

Well my life with DD for the first couple of years wasn't easy and I never said it was. I didn't just have DD to look after I also worked 30 hours a week, ran a house with my 2 teenage dsis in and supported and helped my 17 yo dsis with her new baby. Who was more difficult than my dd.

I just said you can manage. And babies like us do need to sleep. It's as essential to them as feeding.

The OP needs to sit down with her DP and discuss things if she is feeling so resentful and angry to the point of spending a night away. My advice was to not let that resentment spoil the time she has with the baby.

Maybe this little boy I'm carrying now will be different to my DD. Maybe he won't. But I can only give advice and offer opinions on what I know.

But wishing a difficult time on a pregnant woman is hardly in the spirit of a parenting forum is it? So thanks for that.

TheDoctrineOfWho · 09/11/2013 11:58

Who wished a difficult time on you, frouby?

diddl · 09/11/2013 12:03

Did they actually say it or just agree when he said it?

TBH, if a bloke said that to me I might just make agreeing noises as I cba to debate it with them.

Original poster
TheCrumpetQueen · 09/11/2013 12:06

It is not aimed at ALL childless women Hmm read the title again.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheCrumpetQueen · 09/11/2013 12:08

Frouby, when my p went away for a week I found it easier to be honest as I didnt have to clean up after an extra person or cook for him etc etc

OP posts:
redshifter · 09/11/2013 12:17

I think your DH is crossing a line with these women - it is not the same as you being on here talking about it with other women
Why isn't it the same? Why is it ok to discuss this on here but not ok to discuss it when having a chat with a friend?

It is basically a "my wife does not understand me" conversation

How do you know this? Were you there? I have fallen asleep while at work and while socialising with friends. I usually apologise and explain I was up all night with DC. Sometimes people have replied that the SAHP should be doing this. I disagreed with them, but it would really annoy me if people assumed I was wrong in "discussing" why I was tired. Most parents I know "discuss" this regularly. And to assume I was telling everyone that my DP "does not understand me" would be wrong.

The chances of some women randomly saying that he shouldn't have to get up at night without him having initiating a 'my wife doesn't understand me/is a nag/doesn't appreciate that I'm more important than her' conversation are pretty slim.

I disagree, from my experience.

You may be right about OP's DH, but why always assume the worst?

Botanicbaby · 09/11/2013 12:22

ok so its not aimed at ALL childless women but why is it aimed at these particular ones and wtf has the fact they don't happen to have children got to do with it? Hmm

your problem is with your DP, NOT them. direct your anger at him instead.

FWIW you only have HIS version of what was discussed. Sounds v.convenient for him that he's telling you what these CHILDLESS women think with regards to whether HE helps out at night or not. Surprise, surprise its in favour of HIM doing SFA.

notso · 09/11/2013 12:22

Oh frouby nobody wished you a difficult time and your first post said nothing about looking after any sisters so like you we can only comment on what we know.
Babies do need sleep of course they do, but some of them don't, won't or fight it for whatever reason.
DS2 would sleep on my arm in my bed attached to my breast but I didn't get proper sleep that way because it was uncomfortable and dangerous because DH has night terrors.
So we tried to get him to sleep in his cot or Moses basket but he didn't want to. He would nap during the day in his pram but I had DD and DS1 to get to school and clubs and help with homework as well as shopping ,cooking, cleaning to do in between the breast feeding, nappy changing etc.
It takes you an hour to clean your house, good for you. It takes me an hour to fold the laundry of 6 people longer if DS2&3 'help'.

froubylou · 09/11/2013 12:23

Then don't do it crumpetqueen!

He sounds a bit of a dick to be honest. And I think it is him causing you the stress and not the baby.

I do expect my DP to be supporting me when the baby comes. I will do the house work as the sahp but I won't be running around him picking dirty clothes off the floor and presenting him with a g & t when he walks in.

If I have had a tough day he will help get tea ready, cuddle the baby for an hour if I need a bath, take the dog out and do the bins.

You need to tell him how you are feeling. You need to be concentrating on you and the baby not sat feeling resentful that he isn't doing his bit.

If he works from home then he should be able to give you more support.

I do think the sahp should do the nights when the other has to go out to work. But not everything 24/7 whilst the other gets pissed and complains.

How old is your lo?

MollyHooper · 09/11/2013 12:39

I don't think there should be "roles" when it comes to parenting.

Why should the OP spend her days depressed and sleep deprived because she's a SAHM? Does him working mean they shouldn't look after each other?

DH understands that his job is breeze compared to spending a whole day giving a screaming teething baby your full undivided attention.

It's not like that everyday but on the days it is surely it's not too much to expect him to be understanding and do a bit extra?

I would be really hurt if he were to expect sympathy over that, thankfully he wouldn't.

scottishmummy · 09/11/2013 12:44

It's not a sisterhood issue,why would you expect women to take your side?
I think the partner who doesn't work,should attend the kids
If he tired at work that's got an impact,will be noticed.tired housewife isn't comparable to tired worker

Original poster
TheCrumpetQueen · 09/11/2013 12:46

I know P does think what he does is harder and because he's making the majority of money he shouldn't do as much night feeds etc. I just think he hates being woken up and isn't used to it, but neither was I!

Frouby - he is 10 months old. And yes you're right he causes me more stress that ds.

ok so its not aimed at ALL childless women but why is it aimed at these particular ones and wtf has the fact they don't happen to have children got to do with it?

Erm the fact that they don't have children and not a fucking clue what rearing one involved on a day-to-day basis and then them telling my partner I'm 'lucky' to have help.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheCrumpetQueen · 09/11/2013 12:47

Thanks for the support and advice, ill be going home today to a lovely clean house as I booked a cleaner in as I can't face cleaning a whole house atm.

Hopefully we will talk and settle things.

OP posts:
TheHeadlessLadyofCannock · 09/11/2013 12:48

Agree that your partner is the one who is the problem.

Your post may well not be aimed at all childless women, but you do yourself no favours by specifying that they are childless.

TheHeadlessLadyofCannock · 09/11/2013 12:50

x-posted but yours above 'they don't have children and not a fucking clue what rearing one involved on a day-to-day basis and then them telling my partner I'm 'lucky' to have help', again, does you no favours.

Childless men, and people of both genders who do have children, are all capable of expressing these sentiments too, if some of the threads I've read on here over the years are anything to go by.

WorraLiberty · 09/11/2013 12:51

I hate the phrase 'sisterhood', it's so false.

Are you saying these women should suppress their real thoughts and opinions just because they have a vagina?

Anyway unless you know exactly what your DH said to them, (for example if he laid on the woe is me) then you can't really put their replies into proper context.

ElfontheShelfIsWATCHINGYOUTOO · 09/11/2013 12:53

It shouldn't matter what other women say to your DH.

He sounds very weak.

SeaSickSal · 09/11/2013 12:56

I think there is certainly a balance to be struck. I would say at least one weekday night where he let the OP be totally in disturbed and a weekend night too.

That was what me and DH did on my mat leave, he was operating heavy machinery so couldn't be overtired but found one night in the week manageable. I found it better than sharing and both doing bits on the same night as it meant there was no getting up and trying to get back to sleep so the quality of sleep was better.

He is being a dick not even trying to think how to help you. OP the childless women comment was a bit cruel though, I went through a lot of treatment to have my son and I know that many women with infertility issues find such comments very hurtful. And not all childless women are ignorant about how difficult it is to have two small children either.

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