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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To think these childless women should mind their fucking business

261 replies

TheCrumpetQueen · 09/11/2013 07:01

Warning - fuming.

Partner went out tonight for work, came home late, ds got up at 1am then 3am, I asked partner for help as he wouldn't stop crying.
He then turns to me and said he had been talking to some women who had said he shouldn't have to help at night as he works Hmm talk about sisterhood.
To say I was pissed off is an understatement and an argument ensued. He went and slept on the sofa.
Wibu to go and flick these women in the face along with P?

OP posts:
LarkinSky · 09/11/2013 08:21

You divide the work fairly but also reasonably; ie there's no point the only person with a job in the family being so tired he or her cant do their job properly and get in trouble at work...

I feel your pain having been both SAHM and now DH & I work full time with little kids and no family on the country. It's tough. If i or DH have an important meeting the next day then the other does the night wakings...
you can't necessarily divide it 50-50 - I used to think so but have changed my mind.

Don't blame the child free women - they're just chatting about it in the same way you are on here. It comes down to a conversation about expectations and needs between you and your partner.

arethereanyleftatall · 09/11/2013 08:21

Ah, that changes things op. Hope you can have a calmer discussion with him this morning, and perhaps have a nap whilst he takes ds out.

Original poster
TheCrumpetQueen · 09/11/2013 08:27

Thing is, if I don't sleep I can't function well either. With 3 hours sleep I can be snappy and awful and feel quite depressed when I need to be a happy chirpy mum and then I feel so awful

OP posts:
Original poster
TheCrumpetQueen · 09/11/2013 08:27

I'm also premenstrual and have a toothache. Woe is fucking me :(

OP posts:
LarkinSky · 09/11/2013 08:27

Sorry I didn't realize you are working OP (running your own business?). Then that is different. You need to sit down and talk rationally (but with empathy for each other) about what you need to function and do your jobs, then share the work from there.

Ps not popular on here, but I had to push DD2 into sleeping through when I went back to work at 5 months, involving some necessary crying in her cot. I tiptoed round DD1's sleep never letting her cry but couldn't have that luxury with dd2 or DH or I would have had to quit our job. Still there's always something waking them up, sleep routine or not!

arethereanyleftatall · 09/11/2013 08:29

I have learnt on MN that babies are different. Very different. So, you can't really apply others experiences to yours. You get easy babies, hard babies, easy ooh jobs, hard ooh jobs etc. so, do what's fair for your own situation.

MadBusLady · 09/11/2013 08:31

I know this isn't the main point but you don't even know for sure that's what they said. Or how he misrepresented his case to them.

Hope he pulls his finger out Flowers

littlemslazybones · 09/11/2013 08:33

YANBU.

You only have to be on Mumsnet for a heartbeat to confirm that for some women the discourse and practice of motherhood is modelled on martyrdom. Those mothers tend to get quite pissy if you are not burdened with the same perspective.

baskingseals · 09/11/2013 08:36

Yanbu

I still resent dh for not being there for me when dc were babies.
His loss.
I now love myself more than him.

TheDoctrineOfWho · 09/11/2013 08:43

Not all babies sleep - Ds2 used to take 20 minuts to settle for a 20 minute nap, I'd barely get my eyes closed before he needed me again.

randomAXEofkindness · 09/11/2013 08:46

I'm also bemused at the ignorant assumption that the op should do all the night time care because, hypothetically, she should/could 'sleep when baby sleeps'. I'm assuming this argument doesn't apply if the working partner has a lunch break. He could - hypothetically - sleep through it, couldn't he?

TeWiSavesTheDay · 09/11/2013 08:56

Please ignore everyone saying you should do it all.

There is no point in one person doing it all and being so fucking knackered they drive into a tree, when it's possible to share. Some kind of sharing arrangement is vital for most people, if some women want to martyr themselves when they don't need to that's their own daft lookout.

TheGinLushMinion · 09/11/2013 08:57

I could never do the sleeping in the day-no matter how knackered I was, I did do the nights though. Luckily both mine slept through from relatively early so never became an issue tbh.

Have a word with him today about his arsey comment so he's aware it's out of order.

redshifter · 09/11/2013 08:58

So he is going out and moaning about you and your dc to either his friends/mutual friends/strangers? Yes - he is the problem.
But it is ok to moan about your DP on MN?

He has clearly been out moaning to other women about how you share childcare and they have been sympathising with him

Er. And what is happening on this thread?

Ffs. The double standards of some people on MN amaze me.

ringaringarosy · 09/11/2013 09:02

mine have never woken much in the night,probably because weve co slept so if they have its woken its woken both of us anyway!

I think in this situation,yabu,he had been out drinking i wouldnt expect my dh to get up in the night if he was drinking.

ringaringarosy · 09/11/2013 09:03

JUst a question,when babies are in cots,what do people do when they wake up?i hear people say "oh he was up ten times last night" what do people actually do?

notso · 09/11/2013 09:08

You can't be cross at someone for making a flippant comment on something they know nothing about. If this woman goes on to have children she will soon see the realities of being a parent.

I can see why you got annoyed with your DP it's easy to lose it when you are tired. From what you have said if your both working from home I don't see why you are not sharing everything equally. There is no need for you to be running the house on your own, doing all the childcare and working as well. He should be doing his fair share, but you both should have worked this out already. It amazes me how many couples go into parenting with no idea of who will do what then end up arguing as they both have completely different expectations.

notso · 09/11/2013 09:11

ringarosy what did you do when your babies woke in the night? I assume find out why and try and get them back to sleep the same as everyone else.

bakingaddict · 09/11/2013 09:16

Sleep deprivation is not healthy for either parent be it SAHP or working parent. To me saying that a SAHP should suck up all the sleepless nights by virtue of not having a proper job is bollocks. If somebody is chronically tired due to having to do the majority of the night feeds and the other partner leaves them to struggle on in this state of affairs for months without giving any help, well it doesn't sound like a healthy balanced relationship to me.

Cognitive disfunction due to lack of sleep is as equally dangerous to the person at home with the baby as the one going out to work

Original poster
TheCrumpetQueen · 09/11/2013 09:16

Ds was in my bed as he had woken 3 times so have up picking him up and settling him. He was rolling around and moaning then crying, nothing was settling him after a feed and painkilliers so I was just at a loss after a week of it it. Normally he is a good sleeper.

OP posts:
attheendoftheday · 09/11/2013 09:48

YADDNBU!

Dp is being a twat for a) discussing your personal life with strangers and b) not appreciating that one partner getting all the sleep is massively unfair and unreasonable.

I can't stand the idea that the working partner must have a full eight hours, while the sah partner can manage with very little. It's reflective of society's attitude that paid work is valued and caring is not. I don't buy into that shit.

Oh, and neither of my dds slept much during the day, so when are you meant to catch up on sleep, exactly? After I went back to work after dd1 (on ml with dd2 now) it was clear how much easier and less tiring a shift on a busy ward was than looking after a high demand toddler. Dp had to do more childcare at that point, he felt the same. Just because childcare is unpaid does not make it easier!

SarahBumBarer · 09/11/2013 09:53

I do not have time to nap during the day, I will run and make myself something to eat or do laundry, clean, wash up etc etc etc way to much to do to bloody nap! Plus ds sleeps for half an hour during the day

Your choice. The world does not end if the washing is not put away. If sleep was actually that important to you, you would sleep.

YANBU to think DH should help out but YABU to think it should all be on your terms/routine.

daisychain01 · 09/11/2013 09:54

Another perspective .... Have you considered that, just because someone says something, it does not necessarily follow that it is true, even when it's coming from your partner?

Just because he said "other women say x y or z" might he be saying it just to normalise it and emphasise his point. Have you got proof that he did genuinely talk to these "other women". If so, it is your partner who need to change his attitude!

And in any case who cares what those random, invisible and non-existent people think?

Original poster
TheCrumpetQueen · 09/11/2013 09:58

I care more about his disloyalty to be honest. It really upset me to think of them all bitching about me together when I do so much for him. I always take ds downstairs so he gets lie ins when it's been a rough night. I have to ask him to reciprocate and it's met with sulking downstairs.

I just feel very disrespected and unappreciated

OP posts:
Original poster
TheCrumpetQueen · 09/11/2013 09:59

This actually happened on thurs night after he had been out, he went out weds night too so gets to have fun etc. I stayed at my mothers last night as I was so upset.

Bet he got a lovely sleep and another lie in today where I was up all night again

OP posts: