To think these childless women should mind their fucking business

[TheCrumpetQueen]

Warning - fuming.

Partner went out tonight for work, came home late, ds got up at 1am then 3am, I asked partner for help as he wouldn't stop crying.
He then turns to me and said he had been talking to some women who had said he shouldn't have to help at night as he works talk about sisterhood.
To say I was pissed off is an understatement and an argument ensued. He went and slept on the sofa.
Wibu to go and flick these women in the face along with P?

Yes it's Saturday today but he went out for drinks last night!

If she was asking if he should do the night wakes tonight and do the early morning then yes he should.

It's been a l-o-n-g time since we had to get up with little people.

But I am still the talk of our family, as when they were young, I stayed home, DH worked full-time and he (mostly) dealt with them at night.

There are reasons for this, but it irks me to be judged.

YANBU.

The worst thing here is that your husband is using the opinions of other people in an argument against you - his wife, the person he is meant to love. It's a pretty low act.

The night thing people will have different opinions on. My dh has always done much more of the night settling once the dc have been night weaned. That's because I did all the breast feeding though.

But we are all here talking to the op about their child care arrangements! We are strangers!
Some odd double standards going on here.

People have different opinions. It's what works for your family.
I have three kids and I feel the stay at home parent should do the vast majority of the night work.
During maternity leave I did the nights. Staying at home with kids is a million times easier than working out of the house in my experience, When I went back to work we shared it 50/50.

Being alert at work is important/critical. It's bollocks that being tired and drowsy with a baby at home has the same implications. The person who works out of the home should give you a break on their days off.

Really difficult. I have one 5 m old and I do all the night stuff. My husband works a very physically demanding job and gets in some night gone midnight, only to have to get back up at 07 00. On his days or mornings off it seems only fair to let him sleep. This does not stop my sleep deprived mind feel resentful though, at least 3 times a day.

In our house i do Sunday - Thursday nights and hubby does Friday and Saturday as he doesn't have to go to work the next morning and i get a break. This works for us and is the fairest way IMO. Caring for baby is still work though and i don't think that you can necessarily always catch up on sleep in the day. Especially of your partner also expects you to do all of the chores and make dinner etc.

For me its a balancing act of everything that needs to be done, including night feeds/settling.

However, if my DH had been drinking i wouldn't allow him to see to the baby that night and id get him to do another night instead.

The issue is your partner. He has clearly been out moaning to other women about how you share childcare and they have been sympathising with him. There's your problem. Not these evil faceless childless women.

An evil faceless childless woman.

Sorry, OP, it sounds really sexist but whoever is off on leave/is acting as the SAHP should be doing the nights - the breadwinner has to get up and go to work whereas the SAHP can have a nap when the baby is sleeping.

If he wanted to do it, then great, but it's a bit mean to crack up at him for not doing it when he is working the next day!

Let's think about this logically what were they actually answering too,I would gues was he saying about how he does all of this and all of tgat and she never even gets up in the night, I'm superdad type comments.

We tried two approaches -

Me covering all nights except for Friday Saturday which my husband did.

DH doing only one wake each night if he wasn't commuting long distances.

lots of babies only have very short naps so no time to catch up on sleep in the day. my own ds only had 10-40 minute naps, it was exhausting, especially when he was waking every 90 mins through the night. I did need help in the night.

You sound oversensitive, unreasonable and quite agressive and I feel sorry for your poor husband.

Some jobs are quite easy and not really demanding, so a price of cake after a full night sleep every night.

Sleep deprivation can seriously effect mental health and is linked to depression etc.

8th place - are you the OP's DH

Of course she isn't being unreasonable!

Asides from the many other reasons stated above, sometimes slightly older children know they get away with more with the SAHP, this is why DP may get up in the night... They listen more!

Sorry I have to laugh at the 'sleep when they sleep'.

I do all the nights with a four month old while dh can't at the moment but if I wasn't breastfeeding I'd be buggered if someone told me that it was all down to me because I can sleep through the day, as I can't. I need to eat and function at some point.

Your husband is being ridiculous by coming to you and saying "I shouldn't have to do this because I work". I'm sure when he sobers up you can have a normal discussion.

It is a tough one tbh. I kind of agree with what others have said regarding whether it's your first DC though.

First DC was very colicky and would scream all through the night, it was one of the hardest things I've ever gone through. I was so exhausted I started to hallucinate and passed out in the bath once . But I did get chance to nap when he napped during the day and have lazy days at home in pjs, let the housework slide a bit and a pattern we got into at one point was him up all night until about 5 a.m and then we'd sleep until 2 p.m . I had the luxury of being able to do that whereas DH had to run off to work. But my DH works shifts so if he had an early shift I wouldn't expect him to help out, if it was a later shift or he was off though we'd take it in turns.

With DC2&3 though not a hope in hell of me doing it all. We both had to be up early regardless and it wasn't a case of being able to sit around watching films all day in my pjs with a toddler too. So even if he had an early shift he'd be helping out. I've never let him lie in after a night out either, he did it to himself so I have zero sympathy. I'm mean though .

You sound a bit like you've made it in to some kind of competition. Whose turn us it etc.
Me and DH are a team. And I like him. So if he's been out drinking, is hope he enjoyed his evening and let him sleep. He would do likewise.
However, there's not enough info in your op. So, if it's a one off, you only have one child, and you are a sahp, then yabu.
But if he's always doing this and you have more than one child, yanbu.

Excuse me! You both work during the day! I don't know what your DH does but unless he's a coal miner or or a refusw collector it's unlikely he works as hard as you do. I almost collapsed from relief when I went back to work, felt positively cosseted with all the offers of help and coffee. Can just imagine all the work harpies feeling "sorry" for him that he actually has to get up and look after his own child.

My DH didn't help out at night when our dc's were under a year old, no matter how many times they woke up. Mainly because I am a sahm and he has to have enough sleep to drive to work without falling asleep at the wheel.
He didn't need the permission of his work colleagues to have an input in our marriage and family life.

Ok to clear a few things up as I didnt have much time to write my post.

My partner works from home, no commute and a pretty easy job.

I do all the nights, he will fetch the bottle sometimes or go and plug the dummy back in if he hears ds first on odd occasions but I do the brunt, always have especially as I ebf for 7 months, during which time he did nothing

Ds is teething very badly so has been sleeping about 4 hours a night and I was at the end of my tether last night and begged p for help when I felt I was going to lose it. He ignored then came out with that.

My problem is with my partner, I am just angry and annoyed that these women were pandering to him. Also he told me one of them said 'I am lucky to have help' wtf? So I'm lucky my partner helps looks after his son .

Thanks for your replies, someone up thread nailed it saying that 3am fights with sleep deprivation and drinking involved is never going to end well.

I just really needed him and he wasnt there for me

You both work during the day!

And yet, assuming there is only one child, only one of them has a chance to nap during the day.

Thank you Marylou quite surprised at the replies that I should do all the child rearing as I'm a sahm on leave.

Looking after a teething baby who is clingy and doesn't sleep while trying to run a house and my business from home is a damn sight harder than sitting infront of a laptop making calls.

I do not have time to nap during the day, I will run and make myself something to eat or do laundry, clean, wash up etc etc etc way to much to do to bloody nap! Plus ds sleeps for half an hour during the day!