To think these childless women should mind their fucking business

[TheCrumpetQueen]

Warning - fuming.

Partner went out tonight for work, came home late, ds got up at 1am then 3am, I asked partner for help as he wouldn't stop crying.
He then turns to me and said he had been talking to some women who had said he shouldn't have to help at night as he works talk about sisterhood.
To say I was pissed off is an understatement and an argument ensued. He went and slept on the sofa.
Wibu to go and flick these women in the face along with P?

It really depends I think. You both need to have enough sleep to function, so if you've had a run if bad nights and your tired then of course he needs to step in. If he has an easy day the following day and you have things on then of course he should help.

There shouldn't be any hard & fast rule and he can't say you should do ALL the nights, of course if you are struggling like this he should be helping!

Talk to him today and put something in place so you both get enough sleep to function.

We have 2 and I do night wakings and DP deals with horrendous early wakings of toddler. Which means we both get enough sleep, seems fair most weeks.

the work of earning living, looking after the house and raising children should be divided equally between both adults according to the like/dislikes/skills of both/needs of the household.

he is the problem for listening to others and hearing what he wants to hear. perhaps only two said he should be able to sleep and loads said he was a twat, but he is not going to listen to the latter is he, if he is happy with the set up?!?

He's been out three nights in a row?

Even if a baby takes long naps, 60-90 minute sleeps during the day do not make up for night in, night out of broken nights.

Well that I can totally understand Crumpet (feeling disrespected etc).

I think your DH is crossing a line with these women - it is not the same as you being on here talking about it with other women. It is basically a "my wife does not understand me" conversation. It's not on.

there are no rules re who does what at night. its going to be diff for each family and you find a balance that works. i did most of it but co-slept etc and then dp would ALWAYS make sure i could lie in/have a nap when he was at home so i could catch up on sleep.

but ha ha at only having one child and so.you can nap.in day...ds1 did not sleep. midwives, hvs etc all commented from birth at how awake he was all the time. if he did sleep in the day it was 10-15mins so no i never got to sleep in the dat unless dp took over which he did but then when i am at home on my own yes its all down to me but the minute he gets in the door from.work its 50/50 we are then both on duty, he doesnt see the childcare and housework as my job. its a team effort.

YA definitely NBU!! At all.

I just don't get the 'baby never sleeps' thing personally.
Of course all babies sleep. If they didn't it wouldn't be too long before they ended up seriously ill.

I know I can get all the housework jobs done in the house (2 bed mid terrace) if I did just an hour a day. Thats laundry, dusting, hoovering, general tidy and bedding washed. Ironing is minimal due to tumble dryer. Cooking 1 evening meal can take as long or as little time as you like. It's minutes to prepare lunch. Sandwhiches/soup/jacket spud etc.

So out of my 24 hours a day I have 1 hours housework, 1 hours personal care (bathing/dressed/toilet etc) and 22 hours left to make sure me and the baby are both fed and get enough sleep.

I was a single parent for a long time. A working one at that. I managed for 2 and a half years, including b/fing whilst working full time.

I'm not superwoman. I'm a bit of a slob to be fair. My DD wasn't that easy, just a normal baby. Usual velcro days/nights. She grew teeth. Had colds and bugs. I did too.

In two and a half years I asked for help once from my sister when I had flu. She came and took DD (aged about 18 months) one lunchtime and returned her the lunchtime after to let me rest.

SAHP's have it relatively easy these days. Labour saving devices all over the home, online shopping if you can't get out, ready meals and convenience foods, microwaves, central heating instead of building fires etc etc etc. We tend to have smaller families these days and most DC are at some form of nursery by the age of 3 for at least some of the day.

It's hard to have a baby in the house. Hard to raise a family. But no one said it was easy. But it is so worth it and the baby months don't last long. Enjoy every minute is my advice. Guard jealously your routines and rituals. Savour every sleepy night time waking and every minute spent soothing your baby with cuddles whilst they still fit in your arms. My DD is 9 years old now and I miss the intimacy of her baby years. I miss the me and her against the world. I miss that I was her world for so long.

I'm 34 weeks pg and can not wait to have my baby here with me to have that intense time all over again. You really will look back and forget the tiredness. But don't look back and remember feeling a marytr and a slave and resentfull of your DP. Its too special a time to spoil.

I do most of the nights which is fine for routine feeds and the odd toddler wake (2DCs), and DH needs to be functional for work/ driving. If I'm having an awful night or both need seeing to then he gets involved. If I've had a bad run then he helps more. Most of the time I have a more relaxed morning which means I manage better than he does, but a blanket exemption for him would be unfair.

My DH largely does nights. He acknowledges that it is harder for me to have 2 kids at home than his desk job. My sleep time is about the only time I actually have away from my kids! I literally would collapse if I had to be 'on call' 24 hrs a day..

sorry op meant to say your problem.is not these women as everyone has an opinion once you have kids! its your dh who clearly is not supporting you.

would he sit down and discuss it like a reasonable person? maybe its time he had baby overnught and you go away somewhere to gave a break?

OP you could try writing down your last 2 posts and give them to him. YANBU to feel as you do.
If you had been talking to those people, they would probably have seen your perspective.
Of course he doesn't have to help. In the same way that you don't have to pair up his socks, cook his favourite dinner, and be interested in his stuff that really doesn't interest you. This is why we teach children to share.

Either that or LTB

my exMIL told my exH this

Frouby, the babies you had slept. One of mine did, one of mine didn't. People have different experiences.

I hope your next baby is also a good sleeper.

I had twins they would sleep for no longer than 30 minutes during the day and never at the same time.

I really don't think anyone can judge - all babies are different. If the OP says her child doesn't sleep during the day then that is how it is for her.

Her dh should be being a parent when he's there and doing his share.

God, us 'childless women' don't half come in for some abuse.

We don't give a shit though, cos at least we get a good night's sleep, even when we've been out late schmoozing someone else's poor underappreciated husband.

Frouby, babies differ- i'd have written your post after dc2's birth/sleep/feeding etc etc. But dc1's was brutal to us both, nothing was straightforward, both in much (undiagnosed pain), everyone downplaying it all as "normal" and telling me i should "enjoy this special time" ( like i need that added guilt on top of everything!) I only realised what they were talking about second time round!

First time, horrendous, relentless, inadequate support and tricky, tricky baby. So if OP is saying its hard for her, it really IS hard. You really cannot compare and rationalise it down to number of hours housework and online shopping. Sahms in the past had a wide network of extended family and other mums around to help, plus i believe designated mothers help provided on the nhs. And this after several nights on hospital with baby cared for in separate room overnight. Not the case now!

Comparing ourselves to anonymous strangers where we have no knowledge of what their life and experiences actually are other than what they post here and then telling them well I coped why the hell aren't you coping is just showboating IMO froubylou.

While I don't know what the OP's life is like she sounds like she needs some support from her partner and is not getting it and i'm of the opinion of BlackeyedSusan and ThedoctrineofWho

frouby you had you and 1 child to look after, and one who slept well by the sound of it. You don't understand the baby never sleeps because you haven't experienced it.
I used to be smug about tantrums because my first two children didn't have many and could be dealt with easily. Then I had DC3 and DC4 and would like some gravy with my humble-judgey pie please!

I agree with frouby on you have more time to yourself. I dont think he should have brought others in to it though.

Yep, with you Notso! I was a fucking amazing supermum to baby dc2- slept v well, rarely cried, sunny temperament, easy to feed, easy textbook homebirth! All because i'm so fab and organised

And bloody awful mum with dc1- i "failed" to birth unassisted/bf/get him to sleep/soothe him/be organized enough to leave the house at a few mins notice. Which obviously is all MY fault...

Sod that! Book yourself into a hotel for the night and get some sleep. Leave him to it for a night then he might just begin to understand.

Good idea, Hops.

I'm with notso as well on this. I was so pleased with how well I was coping with dc3, getting up twice a night and 'sleeping when he sleeps'. Until he had 2 nights not sleeping so well and it all fell apart. You can't always catch up during the day either if there are e.g hospital appointments or class assemblies to go to for the others. Wisest words I ever read on MN - 'everyone needs to sleep, not just those getting paid'.

Brian, here's your back.

You are soooo helpful.