Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To think these childless women should mind their fucking business

261 replies

TheCrumpetQueen · 09/11/2013 07:01

Warning - fuming.

Partner went out tonight for work, came home late, ds got up at 1am then 3am, I asked partner for help as he wouldn't stop crying.
He then turns to me and said he had been talking to some women who had said he shouldn't have to help at night as he works Hmm talk about sisterhood.
To say I was pissed off is an understatement and an argument ensued. He went and slept on the sofa.
Wibu to go and flick these women in the face along with P?

OP posts:
Original poster
TheCrumpetQueen · 09/11/2013 20:17

lacking that wasn't the question, read my post again and my subsequent ones.

OP posts:
LongTailedTit · 09/11/2013 20:19

Given that I assume we're ignoring the rude person...

CrumpetQueen while I don't agree with your OP - ie YABU the person you should be annoyed at is your DP for taking the advice of randoms who have no clue about your home life, and refusing to help when you need him, no need to get all aggro with the randoms - YANBU to expect your DP to support you, and if his work/commute wouldn't be affected by a rough night then he should pitch in.

As it happens, DH and I agreed he only helps at night in extreme circs, he drives an hour to work, has a v physical job with heavy machinery and does not cope without a reasonable amount of sleep, accidents will happen. He helps at the weekends, but work nights I try my best to let him sleep.

Some of my friends DPs/DHs have desk jobs and a tube commute - they could most definitely take their turns, and they did, to suit each couple's circs.
The point is - every couple are different, there is no hard and fast 'rule' that will work, so the randoms should have kept their beaks out, and your DP should have just told them to jog on.

I did "Ha!" at the comment on the first page saying that a SAHM "can sleep when the baby sleeps" tho - yeah right! I'm sure some can, but that happened maybe once a week tops with DS.

scottishmummy · 09/11/2013 20:20

If you work too how did you end up doing everything?
do you work comparable hours to him?

Original poster
TheCrumpetQueen · 09/11/2013 20:24

I fit stuff in during his naps or when he's playing quietly, which isn't very often. Otherwise I just have to do it.

We've been talking this evening and he's asked me what I need but not in the nicest way. I just said more support when ds is teething and I've been up multiple times. He agreed and we've agreed that each will get a turn at lie-ins in the morning on the weekend.

OP posts:
ethelb · 09/11/2013 20:24

OP how do you know what these women necessarily said this and your husband hasn't made this up? How do you know that they were ALL childfree?

scottishmummy · 09/11/2013 20:27

So stop doing it all,stop running ragged.if you're working that changes the dynamic
If only one parent works then yes the one who doesn't work should get up
If you can afford nursery or cm I'd do that,and split costs proportionate to earnings

Joysmum · 09/11/2013 20:40

It's about partnership. If I needed a break, hubby sees it building and does a bit more and shows his love and appreciation a bit more. That works both ways. If he's starting to struggle I can see it so I'm extra thoughtful, spend longer in hugs and telling him how amazing he is.

What we don't don't is judge each other negatively for having a tough time or put it down thinking our life is harder than the other persons. Things go in cycles and our priority is ensuring our loved one is as happy as possible, not blaming them for when they aren't.

loveandsmiles · 09/11/2013 20:43

YABU.

I am SAHM to 5DC. The youngest is 8mths and DH has never got up in the night to them. He works long hours and is the breadwinner, I look after the children. In an ideal world he wouldn't work so hard and childcare would be shared a bit more between us........but in reality even if I am up all night I can sit down during the day, my DH can't do this.

WestieMamma · 09/11/2013 20:43

I think you have to work as a team and find what works best for you both. Sounds like the current way isn't leaving either of you happy.

I have a 6 month old DS. In our house I do all the night wakings as DH has to get up at 5.30 to work. It's hard but I get through knowing that he will still get up at that time at the weekends so I can then stay in bed all day as long as I need to.

LittleBearPad · 09/11/2013 20:46

He's out again tomorrow? After being out twice thus week?

When do you get any time OP?

He's a selfish git and needs a good dose of reality. And regardless of working (especially at home) there is no reason he can't get up in the night other than he's basically crap.

slothlike · 09/11/2013 20:56

Being a SAHP can be just as stressful as being in full-time employment - it just depends on the job and the individuals in question. I really hate it when people act as though SAHPs just sit around relaxing all day - it is like a 'job' in that, if you're doing it right, you have to do physically/emotionally demanding things in order to get the payoff, which just takes the form of a happy and healthy child rather than a fatter bank balance. And, like a job, it is even harder when sleep deprived. It just doesn't actually earn any money.

So with all that in mind, YAprobablyNBU.

FudgefaceMcZ · 09/11/2013 21:09

YANBU, and it's pretty depressing that women show so little solidarity with each other- probably the reason feminism hasn't made as much progress as many other equality movements tbh.

Salbertina · 09/11/2013 21:14

Agree, Fudge. Think it's far more telling about them than anyone else. Don't see men being so stupid as to compete with each other over this. Very divisive and keeps us in our place Hmm

whatever5 · 09/11/2013 21:23

I used to feel really inadequate when people suggested that as I was on maternity leave I should be doing all the night wakings. I have realised though that anyone who thinks that really has no idea what sleep deprivation feels like.

pianodoodle · 09/11/2013 21:23

wouldn't leave my worst enemy alone, crying, unable to cope if they asked for help with a baby. Let alone MY baby, let alone MY partner, who I theoretically love.

Late to the thread but I agree with the above!

I understand feeling cross that some women who don't know you have given their ill-informed opinion like that but definitely your husband was being the arsehole by allowing what someone else tells him to decide how you work as a family just because their opinion suited him.

Original poster
TheCrumpetQueen · 11/11/2013 09:24

LittleBear you'll be glad to hear me and my sister have booked a day trip to Paris next Saturday on a whim :) I might then stay over at hers for the night but still not sure about that as ds is very clingy for me at night

OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 11/11/2013 09:57

"We've been talking this evening and he's asked me what I need but not in the nicest way."

You need a complete renegotiation about the Housework and then Childcare (they should never be lumped together).

I did all the night times with my 3, but on a weekend I only had my youngest, when she was EBF, my DH would take my other two out, after giving me a lie in, or making breakfast etc, for example.

It is what is needed to make your home run, successfully and everyone be happy.

I agree that I don't know how anyone could see their partner be overtired or unhappy and not help to rectify the situation.

The baby years are only a small part of your lives together (my DDs my youngest is 16), it won't be forever, but it can be the most telling about how your partner feels about your needs.

Pearlsaplenty · 11/11/2013 10:08

Yanbu

He should be more considerate and shouldn't come out with unhelpful comments in the middle if the night.

Just because you are a sahm doesn't mean he doesn't have to do any night time parenting. He should help out when he can because he should care about his family.

sublimelime · 11/11/2013 10:14

I think it is a good thing that fathers are involved with their children, working or not. They need to do stuff to establish a bond and appreciate their children. Otherwise it is all too easy to become distant, spend more leisure time outside their family.

This includes fathers doing the more 'frustrating' jobs too, getting up in the night when they are small and helping with homework when they are bigger. If one parent has less understanding of their child they cannot fully appreciate what makes them tick, for example with a baby not letting them get overstimulated too near to bedtime if it means they will not sleep.

Even though my DH does loads, some extra time spent with our DC when he was made redundant was a really good thing and it showed. They just became closer, the activities my DH wanted to do as a family were tailored with the DC in mind, more.

These people from work are not part of your family, they don't understand what makes your family work. I'd try to plan some stuff that means you spend more time together as a family doing stuff you all enjoy. Focus on some nice Christmas celebrations or something like it. If your DH socialises with them a bit less and young families a bit more perhaps he'll have more realistic ideas of how things work.

gotthemoononastick · 11/11/2013 10:49

Dear Crumpet this is a very hard stage..big hugs from a granny and chin up!You will soon enjoy more as baby gets older.

Understandable that you feel betrayed that he even discussed your situation ,as it makes you feel diminished in front of them.

Bet he is feeling guilty and as mumsnetters say a real Di..

YouTheCat · 11/11/2013 12:16

I hope you finally get that lie in.

Binkybix · 11/11/2013 12:35

YANBU! I agree with everything mrsterrypratchett has said.

I've found being a SAHM really difficult and mentally tiring. DH has done all he can to support me because he loves me and his son, and I try to ensure he's in a position to cope and be happy at work.

Take care, OP. It sounds like you have a lot on your plate.

YouAreMyFavouriteWasteOfTime · 11/11/2013 14:04

OP you don't seem like a member of the sisterhood yourself. maybe focus on your relationship with your partner!

there are many ways of sharing that work but both parents need to be in agreement. if you aren't, no division of labour will work.

(I don't have to have children yet myself to know that to be true!)

oh & I think you don't think you should refer to the women as childless. the correct term is childfree as you have no idea of their circumstances.

LittleBearPad · 11/11/2013 14:09

What's the difference between childless and child free? Confused. Why is one better?

YouAreMyFavouriteWasteOfTime · 11/11/2013 14:24

do you see the difference between single and partnerless?