To think these childless women should mind their fucking business

[TheCrumpetQueen]

Warning - fuming.

Partner went out tonight for work, came home late, ds got up at 1am then 3am, I asked partner for help as he wouldn't stop crying.
He then turns to me and said he had been talking to some women who had said he shouldn't have to help at night as he works talk about sisterhood.
To say I was pissed off is an understatement and an argument ensued. He went and slept on the sofa.
Wibu to go and flick these women in the face along with P?

Did you two discuss roles/expectations and specifics of who does what
I'd expect partner who didn't work to get up every time,it's less of an imposition
We both work so share the get ups,and if one has big thing next day we agree the other can sleep

I was a childless woman for a very very long time - much longer than most I was single and 41 when I had DS so I consider myself to have the backs of childless women on bitchy threads.

It is relevant that these women are childless - you can't possibly grasp the despair of sleep deprivation until you've experienced it. MOst of us (when childless) have the empathy to understand that and just make soothing noises.

To be fair they were probably just saying what your DH wanted to hear or maybe it is genuinely what they beleive - either way its not a big problem except that its what your DH believes - which is a problem.

I'm single I managed DS completely on my own. No lie-ins, nights off, no-one to make me a cup of tea or a meal. It's hard sometimes. I thought the point of having a partner is that life is easier together than separately?

I guess he thinks that the money he provides is everything (of course its something as I would have liked that too!) but its not everything.

You should agree what hours you both "work" make sure its even (so if baby naps during the day then that isn't work time if you use it to sleep or relax but is if you use it to do housework cook etc) then divide all other time evenly between you.

Its a bit clinical but if he's going to be an arse about it then you'll have to be too. And I didnt have to clean up after an extra person or cook for him etc etc - why would you do this? WHY?

He's an adult if he were single he would be working and cleaning and cooking for himself - did he get married or buy a slave?!

10 months is a nice age. He is a little person ib his own right now.

And you do right with a cleaner if your DP won't do his bit.

I didn't mean to come across as smug or unhelpful before. I know I have clear expectations of my DP and when he is up for work I expect to do the nights. But I am lucky with my DP in that we both have clear roles and responsibilities and we are both happy with what we do.

I think problems come when one person isn't happy or decides that they are being unfairly treated.

DH did his share of weekend nights on our first and second while I did midweek but ds was bf so he did none but bf nights are so much easier and he got up with the older kids if they woke. We both work when ds was night weaned and for a while DH got up to him so he would not want boob. I think you have to just go with what works but working does not completely absolve some one from getting up with kids.

I have two children. I mostly agree with these awful childless women

I don't care how many nappy changes/feeding/cleaning etc you have to do in a day. It IS difficult at times, God knows, I've done it.

BUT it is not the same as a 'proper' job. When you just have one to look after on maternity leave, you can sleep when they sleep, chill with them on the sofa, stay in your PJs until teatime if you want. Going out every morning, driving to the office/wherever - there is no chance to relax, take a nap, read a book when bf etc.

I don't think that night feeds should be shared equally at all. Other than when df was on paternity leave, I didn't as a general rule expect him to share in nightfeeds when ds1 was born. He would share on the weekends/annual leave and we'd take it in turns to have a Sunday lie in.

Things are different when you have more than one IMO. There was a much more even share of night duties with ds2 as during the day I also had a 2 year old to care for - no chance for following your babies routine and resting when you can.

I think YABU op.

I might not expect a partner who has to get up early for work and do a job which needs concentration (which to be fair doesn't sound the case here) to get up every night or even every other night (though I did and its quite possible without dissolving into a puddle). But on a night when your partner is at the end of their tether after repeated night up and asks you for help, quoting the opinion of some colleagues in a pub seems fucking inhuman and I'd reassess my view of their character if I'm honest.

Housewife having disturbed night is in no way comparable to worker being disturbed
Housewife can have slower day,maybe stay in.the worker hasn't got that option
Inherent in the man work,woman housewife model is expectation that choldcare is woman responsibility

Going out every morning, driving to the office/wherever - there is no chance to relax, take a nap

Yes there is - HE WORKS FROM HOME!

Housewife can have slower day,maybe stay in.the worker hasn't got that option

Yes he has - HE WORKS FROM HOME!

Assumingly he's still got X amount of work to get through though Kew?

Am assuming the poor men coped with less sleep on the night they might have created said baby.

Okay so babies can be created by day too but even so.....how many blokes have a night out and then go into work with little sleep? Plenty do.....then again sorting out a nappy change is not the same as downing a pint in the company of your mates I don't suppose.

You look after ds in the day & your dp works outside the home - so the evenings & night-times are shared responsibility.

OP is NOt on maternity leave she is running a business from home.

Reading between the lines I guess DH doesn't consider her job to be a "proper job"

frankly don't chose a traditional housewife set up and then bemoan the expectations

But reading the op posts I'd say there is a malaise and this simply aggravated it
Get a cleaner if you can afford it,and plan return to work so not financially dependent

your dp works outside the home

No - HE WORKS FROM HOME

OP says he has a fairly easy job - only got her word for that of course.

But she isn;t asking him to get up every night - she was at the end of her tether, asked him to help and (paraphrasing) he said "No I earn the money, fuck off"

You think thats OK?!

Jesus - I'm glad I'm single if thats what you're expected to put up with from a live-in partner who puports to care for you

That's very assuming Jake.

Discounting our wild teenage/early 20s days before dc...neither df or I have ever had a late night out when there's work in the morning.

I had a "proper" job - I got up on my own every night it was necessary and held a job down. It really isn't impossible for a grown adult.

Of course you might not want to do it and it seems fairer for someone who has to perform for money to do less of the nights than someone who isn't.

But really - you don't expect them to do anything?

To be fair Scottish, you said you mostly shared nights.

You can't actually compare unless you have had the expectation placed on you to do it alone night after night.

Oh and people can moan if they like, everyone does.

That's not paraphrasing that's sheer embellishment and poetic licence
Where did op say he told her fuck off?oh I know...no where
If it caused a row and her to leave to stay at her mum I'd say that there are other issues

You're becoming very aggressive kew

I replied directly to the op, which was about these awful fucking childless women thinking that a SAHM should do the night feeds.

I was pointing out that I agree.

It's since been drip fed that the oh actually works from home and the op 'runs a home business'.

If they're both working equal hours then obviously it's not fair.
If the op's 'home business' consists of 3 hours a week doing avon or the like, then I wouldn't really consider that a 'proper job' for the purposes of this situation and my opinion would still be the same.

Erm the fact that they don't have children and not a fucking clue what rearing one involved on a day-to-day basis and then them telling my partner I'm 'lucky' to have help.

I think you are (deliberately) missing the point. YOU are blaming these women on the basis you think they have no fucking clue about rearing children because they are childless when clearly its YOUR OWN DP who has no fucking clue what is involved and what's more, doesn't feel it is HIS job. his actions speak louder than words.

I agree with PP who said that it was so wrong of your DP to tell you in the middle of the night when you were at the end of your tether what his colleagues thoughts. and even then you only have his word for what was said and in what context.

yes fuck off was embellishment rather than paraphrasing perhaps "no" would be paraphrasing. But tbh honest if I'd asked a partner to help in the middle of the night and they said "no" I'd hear "fuck off"

Its not actually aggression its astonishment about how little people expect of a partner.

Whether drip feed or not - it was said. You can't ignore it.

Even if I had no paid job at all and I asked my partner for help I would be well fucked off if they said no. Particularly if I didn't have a history of expecting them to get up every night or even every other night.

Scottishmummy she has a cleaner and runs a business from home. Surely, you don't expect her to have another job just to get out of the house?

Regardless of the split of work, who earns what and who does what housework, there comes a time, when are on you knees on those grim nights when the baby just won't settle and you know you have a day of the same in front of you, when it would be great if your partner stepped up to share the burden to give you a moments peace. It isn't too much to ask. It isn't going to be often.

OP you should be angry with your partner not the clueless women ( they'll get their turn if they have children). Your partner hasn't yet twigged that what he does all day outside of the home does not entitle him to switch off and do his own thing when he gets home. He is a patent too and needs to start acting like one.

It's not about how 'little I expect'

Df is my partner not a dog or the delivery man, I don't have a list of expectations for him.

When I was at home all day with one child, we split jobs on a fair basis.
I would do all of the night feeds. Df was out at work all day, I would look after ds and potter around, doing any housework that was possible depending on how ds was, how I felt etc. I would sometimes nap, sometimes not get dressed if it had been a tiring night.

When df got home at 6pm it was completely shared. Any cooking/cleaning/childcare that needed doing would be done between us. On weekends, the same. Plus night duties were shared if df didn't have work the next day.

We never had to set out a list of 'expectations'.

This has got nothing to do with the women at dp's office OP!
If you are not working then I think it is reasonable for you to get up in the night if dp is working the next day and you're not. You can catch up with your sleep in the daytime or just have an easy day and stay home in your PJs, surely?