To think that if you see an older child (7) having what appears to be a full scale temper tantrum

[Sparklysilversequins]

Screaming and hitting her mother in the supermarket it would be common sense to assume that child may have SN and not stop and stare, shake your head or mutter?

No aggression here, but is that what you would assume?

Big meltdown in Tesco with dd today. She has autism. It's Halloween, too many sweets, excited, change of routine as not in school this week, so many contributory factors.

I HAD to get our shopping, we'd run out of everything, it had to be done so I couldn't leave. She got quite distressed, very quickly. I managed to calm her in the end by letting her walk round glued to me with her head inside my coat, all good.

But the looks! The head shakes, people openly staring at us as we walked up the aisle, not even pretending to look elsewhere. In the end I must have said "she has autism, no need to stare" about 10 times!

If you see this, please assume that's what's going on and not stare at us. It's so hard to deal with anyway. Thanks .

I would assume some sort of special circumstances, yes, and walk on by. Perhaps even try a sympathetic look of 'you're amazing,' if I thought I could manage it without looking weird. But I have stopped to offer assistance when this was happening outside (unclear whether a fit or something), but quickly left alone when made clear family were dealing with it. I wasn't judging, or staring, but just wondered if help was needed, and relieved it wasn't, if you see what I mean?

YABU to think people should assume she has special needs. I wouldn't. I've seen many many 7 year olds have tantrums or meltdowns. I'm sure some had ASD and know for sure that a couple did but I doubt it was a majority and I know several NT children who didn't grow out of tantrums till 8 or 9.

YANBU to think people shouldn't stare and tut though. It's never going to help an already embarrassing situation is it!

Thanks nocheese. Actually the nicest thing anyone said to me was a quiet "don't worry we've all been there" when one of my children was struggling (they both have ASD), they were a lot smaller then though and it probably looked more like a toddler tantrum.

I suppose you're right Manic but that's what I would assume, that there were SN involved but maybe that's because I live with it daily.

Too right it never helps to stare though. I'm usually pretty thick skinned but today being in there and kind of being in an enclosed space like that made it much harder to deal with.

I have two with Autism and have resorted to saying 'excuse me, do you know dd/ ds ?? Only you keep looking over'.

It works pretty well and is none confrontational......sad I need to tho.

Why should they assume she has special needs? My ds (6) often has massive meltdowns and doesn't have special needs. Not everyone will be looking at you to 'stare' you know, often its in sympathy.

My eldest, also has ASD, said "good job Mum" when we got outside . That helped.

How stressful for you.

awww, how sweet of your eldest sparkly! I hope the rest of your day got better.

Maybe Hippo but meltdowns due to ASD are pretty intense and often the child cannot be reached. I don't think you can compare them really.

Hippo.

A 6 yr old having a temper tantrum and a 6 yr old having an Autistic meltdown are worlds apart.

My eldest describes it as ' being like i'm on the outside of my body and everything is melting.'

These children have no awareness of danger or what they're doing during a meltdown. They are unreachable and it is horrible for all involved.

I ignore and just thank God I've got through another shop without any drama myself. Last time we went for a big shop (we had to take BOTH sprogs, no SN) dd (6) got lost and then DS had a massive screaming tantrum whilst we and two shop assistants were looking for her.

Everyone was staring at me with a screaming toddler in the pushchair and then more stares when we found dd and I told her off for wondering off instead of hugging her.
Then DS was sick in the car from crying so much.

It didnt help that my bump is due now and people were obviously thinking "she can't handle 2, how the hell will she handle 3"...so embarrassing.

So you're not alone OP!

When I see kids having tantrums, I don't stare but I will glance over and give an understanding smile to the parent who is usually looking very embarrassed and stressed. Its my way of saying "no judgement here, I understand".

I hate when others stare and make judgements.

Complete sympathy OP and it is of course disgustingly rude for strangers to obviously stare at your family in that situation.

However, I'd be nervous assuming anything seeing that situation. I certainly wouldn't make any assumptions about SN of any sort. I wouldn't like to think that society had gotten to a point where unqualified people were mentally diagnosing others based on a single scenario.

I may be extremely naive but I'd also like to think that people are looking to check whether you need help. But maybe I'm projecting how I hope I'd react if I saw this.

I hope I'd remember to consider SN if I saw a DC that age having a tantrum in public.

Many 6/7 yo DCs (DD2 included) throw spectacular ones at home, but stick to whinging and whining in public.

Unfortunately this can cause their parents to throw a tantrum instead. Yes I have yelled "fucking come here and stop being awkward" across B&Q's car park, people heard

it's not nice feeling judged and far worse when there is nothing you can do to prevent it.

I would assume either special needs or special circumstances. Some people just don't know, some people don't think girls can be autistic, some people are bad at facial expression and were probably doing sympathetic head shake wrong.

We are all in this parenting shit together. I'm always just glad when it's not DD.

I think studiously avoiding can almost be worse. I do the shug and half smile that is international parentese for "What can you do?"

As someone else said, it's difficult to know what those people are thinking. I often catch myself watching parents and children with disabilities, but I am actually lost in my own thoughts, remembering growing up with two disabled siblings and wondering how my parents managed. But at the same time - I know that a lot of people will be judging and criticising when they have no comprehension of the situation.

I agree with the judging whether the parent needs any help, I have done this, and also tried to convey a 'kids eh?' face. And yes to bring relieved that today it's someone else's turn for tantrumming kids, with the thought that one day soon it'll be my turn again!

Oh and to answer original question, yes at that age I might wonder if SN was an issue. I wouldn't stand around staring to try to ascertain this though! Once it's obvious there's nothing I can do to help, I'd be on my way.

I wouldn't think about SN or not, simply that it is none of my business. I might try and look sympathetic which in my typically british way may come across as patronising. I wish people could just be honest and smile, say one thing about how rotten tantrums are and then carry on with their dy.

I would but only because I have SN kids. Before having them I admit it wouldn't have crossed my mind.

I would know exactly what was happening because my 6 year old daughter has autism and she does that too. I also know from experience that people will always stop and stare. I used to get distressed over it but after my daughter had one almighty meltdown in the school car park with all the kids and their parents watching I just let it go over my head.
I got my shopping delivered on Monday can't stand supermarket shopping anyway.

I'm not sure if I'd think of it at that age TBH. If I saw a 10-year-old in the throes, I probably would, but at age 7 I'd probably just assume it was a child having a tantrum (stroppy DD experience ). It wouldn't make much difference. Do people really think about the cause? My instinctive reaction is much like MrsTP above - thank god it's not me (because I've been there ) - followed by complete sympathy for all involved, because, let's face it, whether you are adult or child it's a shitty experience to deal with regardless of the cause.

Life always throws up judgy people. Not a lot anyone can do about them other than ignore them. A lot of the time I think the situation can lead to people placing the wrong interpretation on what they're seeing though. When you're stressed and upset it's easy to interpret a look as condemnation when what you're seeing is compassion. It's like when someone blanks you in the street and you assume it's because you've done something wrong or they don't like you when the truth is that they were simply wrapped up in their thoughts too much to notice you.

My friend's nt 8yo is prone to tantrums in the supermarket so I wouldn't assume she had sn but I would know that its none of my fucking business and not stare!

I had the same in Sainsburys with DS2 a couple of days ago. 2 kids aged about 12 giggling and staring (and pointing!) at him, so I stood there with DS2 and stared right back at them....for aaaages. See how they like it haha!