To think that if you see an older child (7) having what appears to be a full scale temper tantrum

[Sparklysilversequins]

Screaming and hitting her mother in the supermarket it would be common sense to assume that child may have SN and not stop and stare, shake your head or mutter?

No aggression here, but is that what you would assume?

Big meltdown in Tesco with dd today. She has autism. It's Halloween, too many sweets, excited, change of routine as not in school this week, so many contributory factors.

I HAD to get our shopping, we'd run out of everything, it had to be done so I couldn't leave. She got quite distressed, very quickly. I managed to calm her in the end by letting her walk round glued to me with her head inside my coat, all good.

But the looks! The head shakes, people openly staring at us as we walked up the aisle, not even pretending to look elsewhere. In the end I must have said "she has autism, no need to stare" about 10 times!

If you see this, please assume that's what's going on and not stare at us. It's so hard to deal with anyway. Thanks .

There's a world of difference between a child having a tantrum and a child having a meltdown.

Tbh the only child I've ever seen in full meltdown when out is my own. He had a doozy in John Lewis once. He was about 9 and wanted to go back down the same escalator we'd gone up. It ended with me being battered. A lovely female security guard came to help. She stopped the up escalator so ds could walk down it and he was right as rain. She even gave ds some jelly beans as a distraction.

Saintly, I always found it was the complete lack of sentience during a meltdown, combined with extraordinary strength that made the difference between a meltdown and a tantrum.
I wouldn't assume SN if I saw a tantrum, unless there were other indicators. But the fact that she hid under your coat and walked round the supermarket like that would have made me think SN, reducing triggers, seeking a safe space where there were none.

Have some

I must admit I wouldn't think SN but I also wouldn't be judging. I would walk past without staring and assume its a kid thing. I have had the staring thing when my two have thrown a wobbly on many occasions and it does add a lot of stress to an already stressful situation.

saucyjack - I'm not really sure if it looks different or not but I would disagree with you saying it isn't different. I don't have masses of SN experience but did one work placement in a special school where one autistic boy fell to floor with his hands over his ears shouting 'the colours are too loud' over and over. That intruiged me and I looked it up and found that autistic people experience senses in a completely different way to us. Touch, smell etc can be literally painful, sights can be noisy etc. From what I can remember about having tantrums as a child my emotions were out of control but my senses weren't. Not the same I don't think.

Happy to be corrected though; no expert!

DS withdraws now but I remember some meltdowns in the past and all the tutting and staring, it's horrible.

SaucyJack I'm sorry but you are so wrong. A tantrum is a fraction of a meltdown.

Midnightscribbler that poor mum.

Yeah when you explain you get looked at like you are an alien!

It's those little things you just wouldn't think would be a trigger, molding. It had never occurred to me that ds might have a problem with the escalators. I should have taken the lift but he had indicated he was desperate for the loo (with his PECS so major achievement there) and it was the nearest one. I had even been feeling smug that we'd just managed to get through foot measuring in Clarks without an incident.

Tbh the 'Congratulations' booming out in F and B's makes me want to get violent too.

It is bloody hard.

Ihad a friend who as a child used to have the most enormous tantrums over the tiniest things. she would lash out at her parents, throwing anything in reach and lie on the floor screaming. I also work with children with Austism. I wouldnt assume the child had sn but I would think it a strong possibility. I wouldn't judge but just offer a sympathetic smile.

how awful people are so judgemental and rude at times

i would not necessarily assume it is down to a child having sn but would feel sympathy for both parent and child. my friend is going through a very nasty separation (dh left and very little contact) her ds (8) is so angry and hurt he is prone to tantrums too as he just does not know how to deal with his feelings :(

Please could someone tell me what reaction you would like or would find helpful? I've dithered near a child having a meltdown before because I wanted to ask if I could help but worried about coming across as patronising or smug iyswim?

Yes! My 8 year old has ADHD and ASD and will meltdown in public. The looks! I was just saying at a group last week 'Wouldn't you assume a child that age (8) had issue, rather than that they were a brat having a tantrum?' Yes, some kids are just spoilt and tantrum when they don't get what they want - at any age - but wouldn't you give said child and carer the benefit of the doubt anyway?

In my opinion, LadyFlumpalot, I wouldn't want you to get involved. However, if I was also with my younger DC, I would love you to talk to her (not about what's going on) and try to distract her in some way briefly, as these meltdowns are really hard on her

I suppose if you're going to say anything, you could ask if they need any help? If someone has other children with them they might just need them watching or something whilst they deal with the child having the meltdown.

But if you don't feel able to offer help, then just not staring and tutting would be good.

Asking 'Can I help' even if the answer is no, not really is kind IMO. It shows that you are being supportive rather than judgy.
But if the answer is no, then move away rather than hover and twitter.

stillenacht, it was just horrible for her. When it was all over she cried for quite some time and just unloaded completely on me. Obviously the stupid comment was the straw that broke the camel's back. It was a very dangerous situation for all concerned due to the type of store it was in, and the woman should just have left the area as quickly as possible without saying anything.

xpost, Youthecat.

I've seen SN teenagers having full meltdowns and I certainly wouldn't tut or stare. My ds doesn't have special needs, and has only ever had one full tantrum melt down in the supermarket - at age 6! The looks we got were awful, so I feel your pain.

Ok, thank you, I shall remember that.

Left DS in the car at the supermarket once, a couple of years ago. He was about 15.
Came back to find him with a woman in tears, a child in meltdown and a trolley, and my first thought was 'ohshitohshitohshit'
But he'd spotted her trying to manage the trolley and the child and failing, gone to help and when she'd said 'We're fine, he's autistic' in a very defensive tone, he'd not registered it and said ' I know, I'm an Aspie, I know what meltdowns are like, I'll push the trolley and you manage him.
He also packed everything neatly and silently into her boot.
The tears were because he helped, and he trotted back oblivious to our car.
She took a bit longer to recover. People in the supermarket had made her feel awful.