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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that if you see an older child (7) having what appears to be a full scale temper tantrum

178 replies

Sparklysilversequins · 01/11/2013 00:33

Screaming and hitting her mother in the supermarket it would be common sense to assume that child may have SN and not stop and stare, shake your head or mutter?

No aggression here, but is that what you would assume?

Big meltdown in Tesco with dd today. She has autism. It's Halloween, too many sweets, excited, change of routine as not in school this week, so many contributory factors.

I HAD to get our shopping, we'd run out of everything, it had to be done so I couldn't leave. She got quite distressed, very quickly. I managed to calm her in the end by letting her walk round glued to me with her head inside my coat, all good.

But the looks! The head shakes, people openly staring at us as we walked up the aisle, not even pretending to look elsewhere. In the end I must have said "she has autism, no need to stare" about 10 times!

If you see this, please assume that's what's going on and not stare at us. It's so hard to deal with anyway. Thanks Smile.

OP posts:
eggsandwich · 01/11/2013 18:24

I think when you have a child with special needs and you see any child having a meltdown we just treat it as normal behaviour because for us as parents of these special children it's normality for us, anything can cause an horrendous meltdown whether it's in a private or public place but at home you don't have lots of eyes some sympathetic and some not staring at you while we are trying to deal with the situation, I myself have learnt to ignore the looks and just focus on the well being of my child, no one can ever understand what goes on in our day to day life's with these children but one thing I know for sure it's taught me not to judge people.

kay1975 · 01/11/2013 18:42

To be honest I wdnt even look! I'd just think it was a tired, over excited a child and thank god it wasn't me! It's so rude when people stare and judge without knowing the background.

BurlyShassey · 01/11/2013 18:57

yep mine to. in act we at a hospital appointment today and DC hates being prodded and poked and was having meltdown. I had to keep saying 'sorry. autism'.
makes you want to make tshirt with 'autism. please don't judge'. or something.

and as a mum to a sn child I can tell the difference between an sn meltown and a spoilt brat tantrum!

MidniteScribbler · 01/11/2013 20:28

Outnumbered, the thing with autism meltdowns is that there is nothing you can do to stop them, and in most cases, intervention is counter productive and will escalate the situation. The best thing is to get anyone that vould be hurt out of the way and try and provide space for the person. In the case of the store I was in, we had to restrain him, he was physically hurting himself and was a danger to others, but once we got him out of the store, it was step back and let him work through it. But normally adding extra stimulation to an already overstimulated person is only going to make it worse.If you see a parent/carer doing 'nothing' it's probably because they are well aware of what their child needs at the time.

Halloweenjunkie · 01/11/2013 20:43

I witnessed this in Boots not so long ago. Boy of probably 8/9 having a major meltdown. Absolutely controllable crying, hitting parents etc. My immediate thought was autism-type SN and I felt very sorry for the parents because a lot of people were staring. It was clearly more than just a temper tantrum. I just hoped that they managed to calm the poor boy down as he was clearly upset.

MissBetseyTrotwood · 01/11/2013 20:50

SN or no SN, ASD or NT, a headshake brings nothing to any parenting situation.

So what if it's an NT child is having a spoilt brat tantrum? Surely if that's the case the parent is doing the right thing by NOT giving them what they want.

People can be absolute twunts sometimes. They should have ignored or offered help OP. There but for the grace of God go all of us.

Good on you OP for keeping on around the shop; I'm still working on my rhino skin!

SunshineMMum · 03/11/2013 20:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

stillenacht · 03/11/2013 21:12

SunshineMMum yup it is exhausting but now I like to embarrass the starers. Its more fun that wayWinkGrin

SunshineMMum · 03/11/2013 21:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hwjm1945 · 03/11/2013 21:49

I have my kids and would not expect public tantrum at age seven,so . If I do see this sort of thing I assume may have additional needs,issues and also none of my business so I avoid looking,one of mine has a significant facial deformity so I know what the staring is like

hwjm1945 · 03/11/2013 21:50

I said my kids,meant to type NT kids

Heartbrokenmum73 · 03/11/2013 21:53

My middle child (son, aged almost 9) still has almighty meltdowns and he doesn't care where we are or who sees it (doesn't do it at school in front of his friends though). They are lessening out now though. He has no SN, he's just very highly strung and the slightest little thing can turn him into Mr Hyde.

I've had the judgy faces and tuts from people with all three of my dc at one time or another and it pisses me off, but I just stare back now. Some people forget what children are like (or have never had any).

Wrt to other people's children doing it, I don't judge because I know what it's like. Depending on whether I think the parent will appreciate it, I'll offer a sympathetic smile or a shrug (especially if I can see others judging) and maybe speak to them and offer a few words of 'they all do it, don't they' or 'mine do the same thing'.

How hard can it be to just empathise a little?

YouTheCat · 03/11/2013 21:55

Boots is bloody awful for causing meltdowns. I think it's the lighting. Ds had one every single time up until he was 4 when I just stopped going in there at all.

BlackeyedSusan · 03/11/2013 23:20

yep, I would probably appear to be staring... in reality though, i would be ignoring the mini meltdown going on under one arrm, wwhilst staring into the middle distance...

oh the joys of the supermarket with an asd child!

Bazoo23 · 15/11/2013 21:11

What does NT stand for please?

Overthehillmum · 15/11/2013 21:21

My husband does the shaking of his head about this, I get quite annoyed at him, he didn't have kids and came into my life when my kids were older and more contained, I have been that parent with the screaming child! I look away and feel immensely sorry for both parents and child, and nag the hell out of my judgy pants better half !!

hazeyjane · 15/11/2013 21:22

Neuro Typical - ie - no special needs or disabilities.

Dubjackeen · 15/11/2013 21:27

No way would I stare or judge. I always feel sorry for older kids when I see them upset, cos I think it is harder on them-if that makes any sense. A small child might get upset more easily, but then probably get over their upset more easily.
I would gladly help, if I could, but a stranger on the scene is probably the last thing a parent needs or wants.

ChoosandChipsandSealingWax · 15/11/2013 21:49

I am having to get thicker skinned of course, but what really upset me to begin with (DS2 diagnosed aged 3 about 18 months ago) was that I naively assumed that saying "he has autism" and apologising would get sympathy, when actually lots if the time (particularly from older generation/PFB mums) I get a "then why did you bring him here?" reaction Sad

I'm with you OP - staring/tuts just make it so much worse.

confusedabouted · 15/11/2013 21:51

I have a 6 yr old who has some really bad tantrums,i didnt think this was odd?although thinking about it my other son who is only a year younger never has them,i just assumed it was different personalities,should i be worried?

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 15/11/2013 22:00

I wouldn't necessarily think 'SN' if I saw a child having a meltdown or tantrum in public. I would just think 'Parent and child having a really rough time - is ther anything I could do to help?' - even if it was just a sympathetic comment or asking if I could help in some way.

I don't think you need to consider whether a child might have special needs or not, as long as you have a bit of empathy, and remember that being nasty or judgemental will never help a parent going through a problem like this! but a bit of kindness might make all the difference.

DziezkoDisco · 15/11/2013 22:02

The one and only time I have ever forgiven this gawping was watching about an 5 year old boy. He was waiting outside asda with his dad, literally gawping open mouthed at a distance of the bloke putting away the trollies who had down syndrome.

I was getting more and more pissed off that his dad was letting him so openly gawp, even though the bloke hadnt clocked him at all.

Just as I was about to burst from indignation, the mum and the lads brother who was either a twin or very similar age appeared, he too had downs. He gave his brother a big cuddle and they walked into asda with the first brother looking back over his shoulder at the man.

ChoosandChipsandSealingWax · 15/11/2013 22:07

Love that story disco!

OTheHugeManatee · 15/11/2013 22:19

My younger brother would scream and shout and hit my mother aged 7. He has no SN. He was just an aggressive little fuck and my mother didn't know how to control him.

I try not to judge people with their kids in the supermarket though. If they're noisy I just make an effort to be somewhere else.

zatyaballerina · 15/11/2013 22:27

I did go over to a car recently to make sure a screaming older child wasn't being kidnapped, she was being bundled into the car and I had to be sure. I don't know if she had any sn but she looked about nine or ten.

When I see a tantruming child, I think 'thank fuck it's not mine this time', I find everybody looks, perhaps it's a natural instinct to make sure the child is ok. If I saw a seven year old doing it, I'd be grateful it's not my one screaming and hope she's not still doing it in a few years time. You'd have my sympathies, public meltdowns are mortifying and extremely distressing, it must be much more so in your position because you also have to deal with a judgmental public who are expecting your child to behave in an age appropriate, nt manner.