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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To resent my DH expecting me to take ANY job

183 replies

purplepompoms · 31/10/2013 15:59

We have 2 DCs and for the last year or so I've worked very part-time hours so that we didn't have to pay for childcare. This worked well while my youngest DD was at home but now she's started school, I would like a job that was more rewarding and more hours. I currently work in a university (non-academic role) and would like to find another job in a university that was preferably 3 or 4 days a week or full time if I really couldn't get part-time. The trouble is there are very few jobs in the sector and my DH is getting impatient with me restricting my job search and thinks I should look more widely. I understand that he has been the main breadwinner for the past 4 years and wants me to contribute more financially. However he works in a job he loves in the field of his choosing and I think he should give me the time to find something I too will enjoy doing if I'm going to be working virtually full time. My current job is OK for a part-time role but would be really unrewarding if I had to do it full-time and has little room for progression. Before having children I worked in a different area in more senior roles and earned a similar amount to my DH but there was no possibility of him going P/T and I was happy to take p/t less fulfilling roles while the children were small. Anyway, AIBU to expect him to give me up to a year to find a satisfying job?

OP posts:
Me2Me2 · 31/10/2013 16:01

Can you go back to your old sector?
YANBU to want a job you like

Original poster
purplepompoms · 31/10/2013 16:05

My old sector was local government - I don't want to go back to that. I really want to work in student support but it might take me a while and even some voluntary work before I can get a job doing that.

OP posts:
ifyourehoppyandyouknowit · 31/10/2013 16:05

Can you add up how much childcare would have cost had you been working full time over the past few years and point out exactly how much money you have been saving the family? YANBU to want to find a job that you enjoy.

Sirzy · 31/10/2013 16:07

It depends how much you need the money? If you are really struggling financially then I can see where he is coming from. If you are comfy though then i dont see why you can't wait for the right job.

hermioneweasley · 31/10/2013 16:12

As Sirzy says, it depends on the financial situation for your family at present, and over the next 12 months.

Original poster
purplepompoms · 31/10/2013 16:14

We can manage the mortgage fine on just his salary and have an OK standard of living but no foreign holidays or extras. The plan was always for me to work more hours once the kids were in school so we could have a more comfortable lifestyle and I do want to work more - but in a job I like!

OP posts:
Lilacroses · 31/10/2013 16:17

Agree with Sirzy and hermione, depends on the finances really and the sense of lack of urgency. I would get literally any job if we were desperate but if we weren't, like you I would be inclined to wait awhile and perhaps do some voluntary work and sound things out. You have been contributing alot to your family anyway though by looking after your Dcs and working part time.

cantspel · 31/10/2013 16:28

Cant you just get a job for now but carry on looking for a job in your chosen field?

Maybe your husband is fed up of just doing ok and wants you to earn so the whole family can benefit.

flipchart · 31/10/2013 16:32

I would get whatever job I could and carry on looking as some other posters have suggested.

It can be quite a burden to carry the family on one salary and not much more.

It could take a long time to find your dream job. Surely it would be better to be in work and looking rather than waiting for something to happen.

Original poster
purplepompoms · 31/10/2013 16:33

Your right cantspel, he is fed up of just doing OK and would like us to have more money. My point is that he spends his 9-5 doing something he enjoys and finds fulfilling and I think I should have more time to also get to that position.

OP posts:
SilverApples · 31/10/2013 16:35

I'm not going to be much support TBH as I was in the same position as your DH with a SAHP for 6 years. I got a bit fed up of his stiff neck and refusal to consider anything not within his narrow field of expertise, and it led to some quite heated discussions about differing expectations. It stopped being all about him when we had children IMO.
So we compromised, and he took an OK job whilst still looking for his dream job and I didn't whinge when his hobbies spread all over the house as compensation.

CoffeeTea103 · 31/10/2013 16:37

Get something for now and in the mean time look for a job you like. It may take more than a year or even less, but in the meanwhile your family will have more funds to have options other than just doing ok. Yanbu to want a job you like, but I can also see your dh has a valid point.

peggyundercrackers · 31/10/2013 16:39

YABU - you can always look for the job you really want to do even if you are working elsewhere Hmm

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 31/10/2013 16:44

Is there anything to stop you taking 'any' job, in the short term, but carrying on looking for your perfect job at the same time, purplepompoms? Because I can kind-of see your dh's point of view, as well as yours. In some ways, waiting for the perfect job to come along is a luxury, and it looks as if he doesn't think the family can afford for you to have that luxury at the moment.

I really can understand how much you would resent being in a job you didn't enjoy, knowing that he has a job he loves - but it needn't be forever, and if you widen your search, you might be able to find a job that isn't the perfect one, but that enables you to update your skills or learn new ones - which would put you in a better position to compete for the perfect job when it does come up.

I hope that you can find a compromise in the short term that you and he can both live with, and that in the longer term, that perfect job does come up for you.

Laquitar · 31/10/2013 16:46

He has a job he likes but did he spend a year looking for it while not working?
I would take a job and meanwhile keep looking for my dream job. Isnt it easier to find a better job while you are working?

Strumpetron · 31/10/2013 16:48

YABU.

I can honestly understand how you want something that you will love doing, but in the short term if you want your financial life to get better then limiting your job search isn't good. You can always look whilst your in the job, and maybe do some more learning if thats what you need to do to get your dream job (thats what I'm doing now btw)

Finding a job you like is very much a luxury these days I think, what with the job market being as it is.

Sirzy · 31/10/2013 16:49

how much time do you think is reasonable though? thats the problem and I really can see your husbands POV. Looking for another job as a stop gap doesn't mean giving up on your dream it just means making life more comfortable while you look for it.

thebody · 31/10/2013 16:50

whose going to he at the school gates at 3.15 and whose fielding the holidays.

that's the main factor to take into account.

it's not the job so much it's the hours.

that's why there are tons of TAs like me who are working well below pre children jobs( senior nurse).

it really depends on your finances.

TiredFeet · 31/10/2013 16:51

I would (and did) take any job and then keep hunting. Ideally find a job that builds up your skills and/or do some training in addition. It seems a bit self indulgent to wait for your dream job to show up once you have a family. That said, I think it is totally reasonable to aspire to a job you enjoy/find fulfilling, but sometimes you have to accept moving towards that slowly

LoofahVanDross · 31/10/2013 16:53

What TiredFeet said.

TheListingAttic · 31/10/2013 16:54

Why not temp for now (or find short- or medium-term contract work), whilst continuing to look for a more attractive role? That means you aren't committing yourself, but you can still contribute financially - it's also quite a good way to ease yourself back into doing more hours, but without having to commit yourself to a permanent role that you're sure you wouldn't want to be stuck in for long. That seems like a good compromise - you can maintain your hunt for something more fulfilling but still contribute in the meantime.

WilsonFrickett · 31/10/2013 16:56

The thing is, there are very few jobs in your sector. There are actually very few jobs in any sector so I don't think it would hurt at all for you to broaden your search. I'm not suggesting you apply for 'any' job, but that you apply for 'any job which is suitable in terms of skills, qualifications and salary.' You never know, you could end up with a fantastic job doing something you would never have thought of.

Even if you do some voluntary work meanwhile, that will signal to your DH that you are moving forward. I don't blame him for being frustrated if you're only applying for hardly any jobs. It is, unfortunately, a numbers game.

That said, I wouldn't take a job I would hate if things weren't desperate.

PiratePanda · 31/10/2013 17:00

What about temping in the university sector? My university runs its own internal temping agency, and I bet yours does too, or others near you will. It'll give you valuable experience in the sector you want to work in while filling the gap while your ideal job materialises.

MerylStrop · 31/10/2013 17:01

Can you up your hours in your current job?

YANBU to want to do something you enjoy or find rewarding, YANBU to not want to take just ANY job.

But YABwildlyU to restrict to University jobs. A year? Dunno about that. Perhaps your DP would feel happier if you had a proper plan and were amassing the skills and experience to set you on your way.

morethanpotatoprints · 31/10/2013 17:12

I'm with you OP, its not like you are struggling at all financially. Ok you don't have money for holidays but that's not the end of the world.
I think it is awful to be stuck in a job you don't like and its not easy to leave once you have got used to the extra money.
I know you say you enjoyed working part time could you not find a similar job to the one you had before.
I think when you have dc it should be up to the individual how they spend their time, not the oh.
That's just my opinion though.
I am lucky I found a dh who shares my opinion Grin
Can you see I don't work.