To resent my DH expecting me to take ANY job

[purplepompoms]

We have 2 DCs and for the last year or so I've worked very part-time hours so that we didn't have to pay for childcare. This worked well while my youngest DD was at home but now she's started school, I would like a job that was more rewarding and more hours. I currently work in a university (non-academic role) and would like to find another job in a university that was preferably 3 or 4 days a week or full time if I really couldn't get part-time. The trouble is there are very few jobs in the sector and my DH is getting impatient with me restricting my job search and thinks I should look more widely. I understand that he has been the main breadwinner for the past 4 years and wants me to contribute more financially. However he works in a job he loves in the field of his choosing and I think he should give me the time to find something I too will enjoy doing if I'm going to be working virtually full time. My current job is OK for a part-time role but would be really unrewarding if I had to do it full-time and has little room for progression. Before having children I worked in a different area in more senior roles and earned a similar amount to my DH but there was no possibility of him going P/T and I was happy to take p/t less fulfilling roles while the children were small. Anyway, AIBU to expect him to give me up to a year to find a satisfying job?

I agree with much of the advice on here that you should perhaps take on a second job while continuing with the university one which presumably has an excellent pension ( don't overlook that.)

It's absolutely fine to have an ideal job to aspire to, but the bottom line is, nobody is owed their ideal job in life. Working is a fact of life. If at times you need to work in an area which you perhaps don't enjoy massively then so be it.
You do seem to be slightly obsessed with the fact that your DH enjoys his work, almost as if you resent that which is weird. Be glad that he does... Because frankly he'd probably have been having to do it full time regardless.

Also, be careful not to 'rewrite history' in your head. You fall into that trap some women do, of talking as though you made some monumental sacrifice by putting your career on the back burner to be with the children. Often this is actually the mothers choice, and the reality is that if her partner turned round and offered to be a SAHP or go part time while she took on the major earning responsibility, she'd run a mile from it! Not that there is anything wrong with wanting to be at home; it's just frustrating when women choose it and then make out that its been some great hardship.

I would suggest continuing your role while increasing your hours with something else, if possible relating to the direction you want to go in. Keep aspiring to your ideal job- but don't feel entitled to take a year waiting for it to fall into your lap. The kind of role you describe is hugely popular anyway, and there is no guarantee that you'll strike lucky.

I agree with everyone who said stick at your current job and see if you can widen it. I work at a university and there is a lot of movement within the uni for admin posts with good candidates getting snapped up by other colleges and departments, plus you are very unlikely to be made redundant, more mopped up elsewhere if your job ends.

You have a permanent job- if you move to another job now, in whatever sector, the chances are it won't be permanent but you will be on probation and depending on the redundancy situation, may not be kept on. Jobs like 12 hours a week at a uni (so ok pay per hour) round school hours are like GOLD DUST and if you give this one up, you will have 100 other mums who want to work part-time in that field.

I would also sit down with your husband and work out finances. If you start working full-time hours, with a commute, for example, then you need to work out the cost of childcare and commuting. That will be £100's a month, I pay over £100 a month for a tiny bit of after-school care, if it was every day, I would find this a real struggle.

Basically, with a full professional wage, the childcare is worth it, with a not so great wage, you may be financially optimized in your current position.

I am not sure that you going full-time, out of your sector, even if you can secure a job is going to give you foreign holidays. You will have so many extra costs, plus possibly cleaner/issues with shopping.

I would sit him down with the exact figures of one of these jobs he thinks you should get and work it through. In his fantasy land, you take anything, you get holidays- I think the truth of the matter, unless you are reasonably high earner is probably quite different.

I would stay in the uni sector and apply internally for good jobs in the university/other nearby universities.

why not do some agency work whilst you are looking for your dream job - then you will be working more and still looking for your dream job and keeping your foot in the door at the uni.

TBH if I had a someone living at home working part time and looking for a dream job rather than taking two or three smaller jobs then I think I would think they were entitled and not pulling their weight, to then say that the person working has to earn more to accommodate the person working less.... which I think may make me resentful.

It really is an outrage that women aren't more grateful for the opportunity to decimate their earning power to look after their own children.

I mean, for fuck's sake, then the lazy bitches actually think they should have a chance to re-establish themselves in a job they LIKE.

The deal is - first you give up your job to skivvy after the family and make sure the early years of childrearing is easy on the man, then when that's finished, you go straight back to the first job you can find now that he won't have to cough up for childcare, and buy him some fucking luxuries.

Don't be under any illusions that you are a real person worthy of consideration or care.

You are just there to either save money or make money and to do all the housework.

Thanks for all the comments and some genuinely helpful suggestions here. In answer to some of your queries, I have applied to do voluntary work with CAB to update my advice skills but am still waiting to hear from them and may find it hard to do the voluntary work without using after school care which we would have to pay for. I don't think my uni uses volunteers in student support but I will certainly look into doing some kind of shadowing with the student support team.

I would also sit down with him and discuss how he will do 50% of the pick-ups, even just from after-school club. This is what would have to happen if you go back full-time.

Personally, I don't think you are at all unreasonable to want a year to sort out a decent interesting career job when you are not struggling that much money-wise. Surely one more year without a fancy holiday is worth setting you on the right path now. I have done this for my husband (let him earn less to get his career straight) and he has for me (supported me while studying).

If my husband gave up a job he loved to look after our children while they were small, I would be quite happy for him to continue to work part time and do childcare once they started school.

I would give him time to figure out what to do next and I would support him in doing whatever he needed to get a job he liked if he wanted to start working full time again.

But of course, he's a MAN.

So his hopes and dreams for his life actually matter.

And I agree with Joinyourplayfellows why on earth should women be consigned to getting money any old how? Fair enough if you are on the breadline and someone has to step up, not fair enough if you just need some support in the coming months to get on a career path for the next thirty years, just as your husband has done.

Universities are a great place to work in admin-roles from the perspective of being child-friendly, often allowing flexible hours, promotion opportunities in house, and to have an already permanent job is pretty good. I think he is being quite dismissive of what you have achieved and quite naive about how much you will really bring in once you stop your childcare/housekeeping role within the home.

Do you think that's how I felt about my OH when I wanted him to get a FT job after 6 years of being a SAHP. JoinYourPlayfellows?
I found it worrying and wearing that all the major financial issues were on my back, that any sudden emergency was mine for the solving and the paying.
That he'd only consider a job in his own very narrow specialisation and at a certain level.
We had children together, as a joint decision. So the food, clothing and roof over their heads was something we should both be aware of as a need.
Eventually he took several low-level jobs for a few years and waited for the chance to move into something he enjoyed a lot more. That's what an adult with dependent children should do IMO.

The work with CAB sounds spot on, and I would go for it even if it means paying for some childcare. Look on it as an investment. Often the short term pay out in childcare is well worth it in terms of what you'll gain long term

Silverapples I get what you are saying, but the OP already has a 12 hours a week job presumably spread over several days. If she moved to say 3/4 days, say 24 hours, that is likely to cost quite a bit in childcare, probably almost as much as she is earning extra. Fine, if it's for a major investment in a career, not so fine if it is for extras such as foreign holidays. I would always always take short-term pain in terms of living a more limited financial life to get my partner (or me) into a better career position- but in your situation, there's a big difference between no income and some part-time income- the OP is already in a rather boring admin job to earn money, so she's hardly sitting around refusing to work except in a very specialist field.

JoinYourPlayfellows,

I notice you are talking hypothetically. What is your real situation? Who is going to give up work when you have children and why?

Purple,

I think you need to trade off what you want with your family's needs. I think you need to agree on a point when you will widen your search and agree to compromise. It does not have to be now but maybe in 6 months or a year or something like that. No one can say that they will never work except in their chosen field. On the other hand, you will be happier and ultimately do better if you are happy at work. So, agree on a time period and, if it elapses without you finding what you want, then you have to be more flexible. Nothing stops you continuing to look once you have a less desirable job.

Whatever MN says, the only way that your relationship will survive long-term is if you talk about it calmly and rationally with your partner, look at the practicalities and that you are both honest about your feelings and expectations.
I have several SILs that don't work, or who have low level, part-time jobs. But that works for them and their partners, a mutual agreement.

Purplepompoms - how about you keep the 12-hour-a-week job, and do some temping on the side?

That keeps you in the permanent contract that you need for the mortgage, allows you to plan the rest of your working time so that you can go on looking for the perfect job, and brings in a bit more money in the short term.

Yes, it might mean that you are doing temp jobs that you don't love, but they are just temp jobs, and that might make them more bearable (and if one is truly unbearable, you just tell the temp agency you aren't going back there) - and when the perfect job does come along, you aren't tied into another job.

A pointless temp job to buy your husband a holiday would not seem a particularly good use of your time.

What kind of temping jobs are you going to get that fit around your 12 hours?

I'm currently working more than full time for 3 clients. It's really fucking stressful and I can't see how you will be able to do multiple jobs without having to pay out for childcare and massively increasing the level of stress in your household.

You HAVE work. You are bringing in money, you are in the right industry, AND you are doing all the childcare that has to be done around school.

That is a BIG contribution to family life.

The fact that you use the few extra hours now available to put yourself in a good position career-wise for the future is a GOOD use of your time.

Temping for pin money would be a waste of your time. It would take away the time you currently have for job-hunting/volunteering/training/self-improvement/networking.

SDTG, temping on the side isn't so easy to organise when you have to factor in before and after school care for two children. My youngest DC does 9-3.30 in a school nursery but she is only 3 1/2 so still quite little.

I accept that I'm getting some flack for using the word "resent" in my heading. I am and have always been very happy that my husband loves his work. The decision we took for me to spend more time at home was a joint decision but there was no question of him going part-time and keeping the job he loved so, even though he would have been an excellent SAHP, this was never an option.

silverapples I have no intention of settling for an unfulfilling part time job for the rest of my life.

Presumably the OP herself and the children would benefit from a holiday too... I don't think there was any suggestion she was expected to up her hours to buy a holiday just for her husband to go on by himself !!

Presumably the OP and the children benefit from her having free time to put herself in the best position possible careerwise and from having her available to do all the school pick ups and drop offs.

The only person who's really insisting that they need more money is her husband.

As far as I can see, the family is likely to be worse off financially in the long term if the OP uses all her time now earning money rather than planning wisely for the future.

OP if your youngest is 3 and half presumably she'll start school next sept? My advice is to just bite the bullet with childcare and accept that you have been very lucky thus far to not have to pay for any, but it is just a fact of life if you both want to have decent, fulfilling careers, and it really sounds as though that's the bottom line. You had an interesting full time career pre children and you don't want to settle for unfulfilling roles for the rest of your life which is totally understandable

Just don't let childcare be a sticking point. I know quite a few mums who resist paying out for it... Really just bite the bullet (it's a joint expense for you and DH anyway) - it will open up the opportunities for you greatly

Don't pay for childcare so you can take a job that will set you back professionally.

For the rest of your life?
Melodrama much?
Good luck, however things turn out.

I think YANBU at all to keep your current job and not compromise in your search for the right job. However, there would be no harm in widening your search a bit. There might be other jobs out there which you would find interesting?

I agree it would be totally daft to pay for childcare for a job which would actually set someone back professionally. But work or volunteering which is related to the field you're interested in- absolutely, it could be a really valuable investment.

"But work or volunteering which is related to the field you're interested in- absolutely, it could be a really valuable investment."

Yes, very much so.

Volunteering at CAB would be brilliant. It's very demanding, but it would be good experience and you would be doing something really worthwhile.

Although I guess it would be worth checking in advance with some of your contact whether that kind of advice role would be of any help when applying for the kind of position you want.

What kind of feedback have you managed to get from the unsuccessful applications?

Have you identified a useful mentor at your current job?

Maybe if your DH really feels the need for foreign holidays etc, which will be paid for by you doing a job you don't enjoy, you could suggest that he looks for a better paid job that he may not necessarily enjoy at the same time.

I work in a uni, and there does seem to be lots of internal movement amongst admin jobs, even if only to cover long maternity leaves etc which can get you experience in a better paid position.