To resent my DH expecting me to take ANY job

[purplepompoms]

We have 2 DCs and for the last year or so I've worked very part-time hours so that we didn't have to pay for childcare. This worked well while my youngest DD was at home but now she's started school, I would like a job that was more rewarding and more hours. I currently work in a university (non-academic role) and would like to find another job in a university that was preferably 3 or 4 days a week or full time if I really couldn't get part-time. The trouble is there are very few jobs in the sector and my DH is getting impatient with me restricting my job search and thinks I should look more widely. I understand that he has been the main breadwinner for the past 4 years and wants me to contribute more financially. However he works in a job he loves in the field of his choosing and I think he should give me the time to find something I too will enjoy doing if I'm going to be working virtually full time. My current job is OK for a part-time role but would be really unrewarding if I had to do it full-time and has little room for progression. Before having children I worked in a different area in more senior roles and earned a similar amount to my DH but there was no possibility of him going P/T and I was happy to take p/t less fulfilling roles while the children were small. Anyway, AIBU to expect him to give me up to a year to find a satisfying job?

www.indeed.co.uk/m/jobs?q=Student+Support+Officer#

Are those the types of jobs you're looking for OP? What area are you in?

You need to be quite search savvy when applying for things, get yourself on all the job sites and sign up for the newsletters that allow you to chose updates for the job role of your choice. I'm just saying because unless you're in a rural area 3 in 2 months doesn't sound like you've been finding much.

Maybe if your DH really feels the need for foreign holidays etc, which will be paid for by you doing a job you don't enjoy, you could suggest that he looks for a better paid job that he may not necessarily enjoy at the same time

Yeah because it's THAT simple and that's exactly how family life should work also making the OP more financially dependant on him which isn't good for her either. I'm quite sure earning money for the family is a two way street. Him wanting to have more help as the 'breadwinner' (hate that word) isn't him being a twat. The OP has already said he is a good husband so I think on that basis we can safely assume he isn't controlling, a bully or selfish as people have tried to imply.

The OP mentioned having to remortgage their house. With that in mind do you think it's so terrible he wants help bringing money in? To give the kids luxuries? I don't.

If you are OK financially, without holidays, are there any ways you can economise by stealth eg by shopping at cheaper grocery shops like Aldi? Seriously you can save loads. Also Ebaying stuff or using Gumtree can bring in a good haul sometimes.

If you can do this sort of thing and save enough for a few treats he may not feel so bad. Also I just would never complain about money or not having extras to front of him. Do not prompt conversations about your job hunt. Change the subject where at all possible. Make him like the life you have. This will buy you time to decide what you really want to do.

I would sit down and work out how much better off financially your household would be if you worked full time, factoring in childcare costs for before/after school and holidays. Unless you have the possibility of getting a very well paid job I would be surprised if your household income would have the boost your dh is expecting if you work full time.

Personally I would hold out for getting a job you enjoy. You've made a huge sacrifice in your career so it seems mad to me to just settle for any job now when then net rewards may not be that great.

The DH was happy enough without the needs for holidays and other nice things when the children was babies.

Yes the op must have done a hell of a lot child care, babies and toddlers are hard work.

So now the op has done the hardest years of children, she has to suck it up and take any job she doesn't like.

I would keep trying for your ideal job.

Is it just me or is there some pseudo feminist bullshit on here?

It's just you.

Don't be under any illusions that you are a real person worthy of consideration or care.

You are just there to either save money or make money and to do all the housework.

I think this is ridiculous construction of the op's family life. You decide to have children, and you both have to pay for them. Working full time when having small children is no picnic, even if your partner does the full time childcare.

I found that going into my oh-so-dreadful (clutches pearls) call centre job have me some unexpected self respect, I enjoy earning my own money again, and DP spends much more time with his children. There is a balance there.

Tonight I will sit next to another mother of three who has left her baby with her DP because she needs to work, so will be on nightshift. I will sit next to another person who will finish their nightshift and then spend the morning caring for his disabled sister, get some sleep and then work another shift. I will sit next to someone who has just finished a day's work at another job and will be starting on an evening shift, because hr husband has lost his job/

This is real life, it has NOTHING to do with women's rights etc etc you just do what you have to do.
FFS

"you just do what you have to do."

Well sure.

But the OP doesn't have to do this.

Her family isn't going without anything they need.

"Working full time when having small children is no picnic, even if your partner does the full time childcare."

I don't know, the year I was off on maternity leave providing full time childcare for 3 children while DH worked seems like a picnic to me in comparison to now when we're both working full time.

And he was very glad to be the one who got to leave the house every day while I did all the child stuff.

I think the dh is a bit deluded here tbh.
Once childcare, running extra car, work clothes, fuel costs are taken into consideration the OP may not be making any profit, it may actually be costing them for her to work.
I know some people do this for their career, but the OP was talking about earning more money not less.

Because making sacrifices for the man and children you love is such an unthinkable cruelty..not a pretty average expectation of any loving relationship.

I had after three children under 5 at one point, I'm not interested in a pissing contest TBH - but I's say that DP was pulling long hours on very little sleep between the night time antic of toddler and baby.

In terms of getting a second job - another consideration is that second jobs are taxed more highly.

TBH if nothing financially pressing, op should start making enquiries at her place of work about upping hours and getting experience. Also perhaps look at study or further training to make herself more employable in that sector.

I think if the OP is doing 12 hours a week then there is definitely scope for more than that before you need any paid childcare. Kids are in school 30 hours a week, so even with the school run, you should have scope for doubling it.

If it were a straight choice between a crappy job and a seriously useful placement/course, that would be different. But in reality, the kind of planning the OP is doing doesn't take up any time during the day.

So temp for a bit, get some cash in, then once you have a job shadow lined up, drop the temping while you do it.

Explain to your OH that it will be much easier to get a wellpaid job with a good pension from where you are; but you'll do some temp retail hours in the run up to Christmas with the spare hours when your DD is at school.

sorry to be clear- keep the permanent job but add some temping hours on top and do your networking meanwhile.

Like others have said I think you are being unreasonable to completely restrict it to a university. I wanted to work in the health and social care sector in admin whilst I trained as a nurse but there are quite a few of those jobs around, if you really need the money you do need to think more broadly

bookfairy do you mind me asking what related field you went into? Was it an advice role outside of HE or a different sort of job in a university?

strumpetron thanks for that link - those are the sort of jobs I'm looking for, although my current job pays around £25K pro-rata so I'm hoping not to have to drop pay too much to change role. I thought that by checking every HE and FE website I would pick up on everything out there, but I guess some institutions may be using agencies without putting the details on their own sites, so thanks for the suggestion.

Yeah because it's THAT simple and that's exactly how family life should work confused also making the OP more financially dependant on him which isn't good for her either.
Presumably it's as 'simple' for the OP to just find a well paid job. It's not easy at the moment for anyone to just walk out and find a job is it. At the moment I work full time and DH who was made redundant is looking for another job. If we become short of cash, then there is as much onus for me to look to improve my pay, as there is for him to get himself a job too.
I love my job, but have option to apply for another one which I know I won't like so much when my boss leaves in a couple of weeks. Better paid. I'm applying to keep the family financially sound, not for my own job satisfaction.

FWIW I didnt find it financially worthwhile to work FT for many years. I am probably in credit now, but it took a while. But it was financially neutral to do the FT job- I didn't spend more on childcare than I got in the extra hours- so it worth it, if only because it emabled me to change field.

But the first step must be to work all the hours you already have free childcare for (ie, school hours). I expect your employer values you- can't you say that you would be up for more hours?

"But in reality, the kind of planning the OP is doing doesn't take up any time during the day."

Of course it does, if you're doing it properly.

purple

If you're on 25k for few hours I wouldn't be giving up that job! Didn't realise you were on some much.

the OP did say pro-rata - so full time would be £25k - not part time..

The way you respond to this thread is in part governed by the assumptions you make about the op's salary and earning potential as well as the family's present financial situation.

I used to work for a large global company that was constantly making people redundant (it wasn't shrinking, just huge and constantly changing). I worked with HR to hire in support for employees made redundant. An employee who was university educated with 5 to 10 years work experience, was expected to need an average of 9 months to find another suitable position and we planned for that in terms of out-placement services. I am presuming this is the job level the op is at. Considering she has the added difficulty of having been out of the job market for several years, I think a year to find something is reasonable.

I also read the op's post and presumed that the family is not on the edge of financial ruin. Rather, the dh is simply impatient to have more treats and goodies. He should put his wife first and value her over material things.

The juggling of two different part time jobs while juggling children sounds a bit much to me. The idea that she can take any old job for now and it won't hurt her future job chances is mistaken. Working at something outside your field and below your previous grade will most certainly have a negative impact on your cv. Sometimes needs must. But I don't read her story as one of these cases.

YANBU as you are managing ok financially for now. If you were able to temporarily get say a few hours evening work to bring in a bit more fun money perhaps that would be a temp solution?

But I'm sure a great job will come up soon to match your experience and qualifications, it's worth waiting and it's important not to give up your permanent contract for something temporary.

missinglalaland exactly - it is the effect on my CV that I am most worried about. Apart from 2 years when 2nd DC was a baby and I stayed at home, I have continued in part-time work since having children 7 years ago so I don't have any big gaps to explain. However, mostly due to the recession and the difficulty of finding good quality part-time work I have dropped several grades over the last few years. Now the children are in school I want to change direction slightly and start moving up again. I really feel that, for example, doing a generalist admin job in another sector will harm my chances of getting back into HE. At the moment I have a number of years continuous (albeit part-time, low-level) employment in HE to prove to a potential employer that I am committed to the sector.